PORN..what's really the deal?

[Rorocher]

I'm curious as to why so many women are threatened by porn. One reason, I absolutely understand is when their husbands neglect their needs in lieu of porn. When he watches porn regularly, masturbates and no longer touches me, yeah, I'd be pissed off too. That is a legitimate gripe in my opinion.

 

I'm not sure if other reasons hold any weight though. A woman who takes care of herself, body, mind and spirit will have no reason to be jealous of other women, least of all porn babes. If you're the kind of woman who constantly develops herself, her character, her intelligence, her kindness, her empathy, exercises, eats right, etc., you'll be able to hold your own among other women. It'll be utterly ridiculous for you to feel threatened by some chick who lives on having her face showered with semen by a gang of douchebags. If anything, you'll feel sorry for stripper and pornstars, I surely do and they amuse me more than anything, just like freakshows.

Sure they may be younger and their boobs perkier but since when does anyone want to be the sum of body parts alone? Give them another 10 years and let gravity do it's job. Your boobs were once perky too weren't they? so what is there to be jealous of?

 

The possibility of your SO fantasizing about pornstars while he's making love to you? really? How do we know for sure what anyone is really thinking at any given time? If my husband doesn't watch porn, does that mean he isn't fantasizing about anyone else while with me? Don't get me wrong, I do hope he's thinking about me, but what he's really thinking at that moment is irrelevant as long as he's with me and giving me his 100% while making love.

 

I'm not advocating porn, I'm just indifferent to it and I often wonder what all the fuss is about. My SO watches porn, sometimes I watch it with him, sometimes I watch it by myself when I'm feeling frisky. I'm not afraid that he's going to run off with a porn star or a stripper...like he has what it takes to score one of those.. And if by a stroke of luck he does run off with one or any other woman for that matter. You know what, it'll sting like hell but hey that is life, **** happens.

 

I think we as women need to reliquish control, let go, breathe. Porn is NOT a new phenomenon in our society, it's as old as dirt and chances are your SO has been dabbling in this since he was a teenager, if you're so deadset against it, perhaps for religious reasons, then for goodness sake, find out as soon as you meet him and make it your dealbreaker for not going further with the relationship.

 

I admit that Men also need to stop being so trigger happy, everything in moderation, including porn. Also, with the lies and hiding, it's silly. You're not little boys, own up to it and stand by it, preferably early on in the relationship. It's called putting your cards on the table and figuring out compatibility.

 

Nothing is perfect ofcourse, and certain issues do arise after you've been married but in my humble opinion, porn shouldn't be nearly as much of a big deal as we make it. Unless again, it's mingled with neglect.

[blair08]

Same kind of thread going on rants and confessions.

[brothermartin]

I couldn't agree more! There are only three reasons I watch porn:

1. when I was single.

2. when I was too tired to have sex.

and 3. when my girlfriend didn't want to have sex. Or when she wasn't around to have sex with.

[Rorocher]

oh Let me just say, when I speak of porn, I mean your garden variety basic porn.

 

If your SO is into animals, hermaphrodites or kiddie porn, then that's a whole different SCARY ballgame.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I see it pretty simply. Porn is just something to help masturbation along. No more, no less.

[Zolar]

Or a better title: Why I feel threatened by porn.

 

First, my background. I worked ten years as a career adult entertainer - did the nightclubs, parties, magazines and had a lot of pressure to do porn films from various agents. I worked coast to coast and in NW Europe. I still do occasional birthday and bachelor parties. I am not threatened by strippers or porn girls because I am one of those people.

 

The problem is that the guys who look at that stuff have problems. I know that now. I had never seen the consumer end of porn until I met my (now) ex. He was obsessed with the stuff. He was first fascinated by me, then he started getting into all kind of this stuff - weird stuff eventually. Other women who have been with porn-obsessed men will tell you that they objectify women - sex with such men is very sterile because they seem to have no humanity. Eventually, my ex became so overly sexual that I couldn't walk through the house without being attacked - yes, attacked. I suffered internal injuries from his sudden attacks. Unfortunately, real life isn't like the movies you can't just grab a woman, tear her clothes off and start ****ing her without possibly causing injury. But, that's how little humanity he had left after his obsession began taking over his mind.

 

Porn is like that - it's progressive. The men who get into it do not have healthy minds and the end result is dangerous to the women in their lives.

 

THAT is why I feel threatened by it.

 

If the man I'm in love with (...who manages a strip club, BTW, and has no interest in porn that I am aware of. There is none in the house because frankly he's pretty much seen it all and wants nothing to do with it. He sees how these men behave and doesn't want to be one of them.) started getting into porn, I would worry. I would think something was wrong with him. And I never want to be treated like I was treated by my ex by anyone again.

 

So, bottom line is, porn is unhealthy for the minds of men and it can lead to some very nasty treatment of the women in the lives of these men. Porno guys just don't seem to understand that what they see in the films is just acting - it's not real. Even when they tell you they understand this - clearly they don't. Because they go on to objectify the women in their lives in the worst possible ways.

 

The Voice of Experience

[soserious1]

Porn makes my life quite simple, it provides my husband with an endless stream of big breasted 22 yr olds to excite himself with. Porn serves as a constant reminder to me that I am too old, too unattractive in face and body to do anything but disgust and repulse my husband sexually.

 

My husband conceeds that I'm a good, kind person despite the fact that I'm too old to excite him sexually and he's offered to service me occasionally as long as I ask in advance... and don't ask too often, he'll put me on the household chore schedule, sex with me ranks lower than scrubbing our toilet.

 

Needless to say porn has made our lives MUCH simpler.

[redfathom]

A woman who takes care of herself, body, mind and spirit will have no reason to be jealous of other women, least of all porn babes. If you're the kind of woman who constantly develops herself, her character, her intelligence, her kindness, her empathy, exercises, eats right, etc., you'll be able to hold your own among other women.

 

So if someone doesn't want to eat filet mingon every day is it the FM's fault. I mean it still tastes the same as it always did, it's still delicious as ever. But what if the guy wanted chicken or salmon, then what? Should the filet have tried harder to be more tender and suculant?

 

Sorry comparing a pretty woman to another pretty woman is silly, they're not the same thing and most of the time it has to do with variety not the W of GF doing something wrong.

[Tyra]

I'm on the same page that you are on Rorocher. I recently posted the same thread as yours yesterday.See what some others had to say about this.

[Rorocher]

A woman who takes care of herself, body, mind and spirit will have no reason to be jealous of other women, least of all porn babes. If you're the kind of woman who constantly develops herself, her character, her intelligence, her kindness, her empathy, exercises, eats right, etc., you'll be able to hold your own among other women.

 

So if someone doesn't want to eat filet mingon every day is it the FM's fault. I mean it still tastes the same as it always did, it's still delicious as ever. But what if the guy wanted chicken or salmon, then what? Should the filet have tried harder to be more tender and suculant?

 

Sorry comparing a pretty woman to another pretty woman is silly, they're not the same thing and most of the time it has to do with variety not the W of GF doing something wrong.

 

You are missing the point. You could be the Queen of Sheba or Giselle Bunchen and your SO will still, discreetly or not, notice other women, fantasize about them or still want to sleep with them. This is ingrained in their genetic make-up, no use trying to change that. What I'm saying is that if you take better care of yourself as a person, and are satisfied with the calibre of person you are, then you wouldn't need to compare yourself to or feel threatened by the other women who happen to catch your SO's eye, be it porn babes or anyone else.

 

No one is saying that your SO looking at porn is your fault and YOU shouldn't make it your fault. There are beautiful women all over the place, there will always be someone better looking but knowing within yourself that you may not be the most beautiful person in the world, but that you do alright on your own will make you feel more secure about porn stars and how perky or flawless they SEEMINGLY are. It's a self esteem issue, if you are secure with who you are inside and out, even if it is not perfect, no porn star will threaten your sense of self.

 

You don't have to try to morph into salmon or chicken to keep your man's interest, you just remain you and be the most fabulous filet mingnon you can be.

[annieo]

Or a better title: Why I feel threatened by porn.

 

First, my background. I worked ten years as a career adult entertainer - did the nightclubs, parties, magazines and had a lot of pressure to do porn films from various agents. I worked coast to coast and in NW Europe. I still do occasional birthday and bachelor parties. I am not threatened by strippers or porn girls because I am one of those people.

 

The problem is that the guys who look at that stuff have problems. I know that now. I had never seen the consumer end of porn until I met my (now) ex. He was obsessed with the stuff. He was first fascinated by me, then he started getting into all kind of this stuff - weird stuff eventually. Other women who have been with porn-obsessed men will tell you that they objectify women - sex with such men is very sterile because they seem to have no humanity. Eventually, my ex became so overly sexual that I couldn't walk through the house without being attacked - yes, attacked. I suffered internal injuries from his sudden attacks. Unfortunately, real life isn't like the movies you can't just grab a woman, tear her clothes off and start ****ing her without possibly causing injury. But, that's how little humanity he had left after his obsession began taking over his mind.

 

Porn is like that - it's progressive. The men who get into it do not have healthy minds and the end result is dangerous to the women in their lives.

 

THAT is why I feel threatened by it.

 

If the man I'm in love with (...who manages a strip club, BTW, and has no interest in porn that I am aware of. There is none in the house because frankly he's pretty much seen it all and wants nothing to do with it. He sees how these men behave and doesn't want to be one of them.) started getting into porn, I would worry. I would think something was wrong with him. And I never want to be treated like I was treated by my ex by anyone again.

 

So, bottom line is, porn is unhealthy for the minds of men and it can lead to some very nasty treatment of the women in the lives of these men. Porno guys just don't seem to understand that what they see in the films is just acting - it's not real. Even when they tell you they understand this - clearly they don't. Because they go on to objectify the women in their lives in the worst possible ways.

 

The Voice of Experience

 

Thank you for your honest and scary personal anecdote. Definitely a worst case scenario, but not outside of the field of logical consequences. I'm glad you made it to a better place .

 

OP, I am slightly bemused by what you have said. On the one hand, you are dismissive of the women who work in porn, as their main objective is to be appetizing targets for male lust. On the other, you have repeatedly stated that you keep yourself looking/feeling/being fabulous, in body, mind and soul, so that you will be the best "filet" (if not salmon, grilled chicken) your H knows. Sound like you are objectifying yourself. I hate the meat analogy.

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into your choice of words, but you hit a nerve in me tonight, because sometimes I wonder how much men do to keep themselves tasty for us. Some do, I know, but generally?

[Mr. Lucky]

The problem is that the guys who look at that stuff have problems. I know that now. I had never seen the consumer end of porn until I met my (now) ex. He was obsessed with the stuff. He was first fascinated by me, then he started getting into all kind of this stuff - weird stuff eventually. Other women who have been with porn-obsessed men will tell you that they objectify women - sex with such men is very sterile because they seem to have no humanity. Eventually, my ex became so overly sexual that I couldn't walk through the house without being attacked - yes, attacked. I suffered internal injuries from his sudden attacks. Unfortunately, real life isn't like the movies you can't just grab a woman, tear her clothes off and start ****ing her without possibly causing injury. But, that's how little humanity he had left after his obsession began taking over his mind.

 

Porn is like that - it's progressive. The men who get into it do not have healthy minds and the end result is dangerous to the women in their lives.

Zolar, did you see where the OP posted this:

One reason, I absolutely understand is when their husbands neglect their needs in lieu of porn. When he watches porn regularly, masturbates and no longer touches me, yeah, I'd be pissed off too. That is a legitimate gripe in my opinion.

She is not talking about those relationships where porn is the central pathology. Since these porn threads are always big on analogies, we're talking about the difference between an alcoholic and someone who can enjoy a glass of wine.

 

I'm also curious about your statement that porn is "progressive". Can you be more specific?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lizzie60]

weak, insecure women are threatened by porn.. it's normal, they have a low self-esteem..

 

I used to be jealous (extremely jealous) when I was much younger.. with my first ex.. I was very thin, no breasts, I would say 'skinny'... not too appealing to a man.. so each time he would look at porn or another woman with larger breasts.. etc.. I was miserable..

 

When I finally got a nice body (after I quit smoking) I became the opposite, very confident.. I knew by the way men were looking at me.. that I was desirable.. then it was over.. it actually switched.. he became the jealous one.. he couldn't stand men looking at me.. he even got into a 'fight' (not physical) with a few brother-in-law who were 'commenting' on my 'new' body.. he got sooo jealous... that it was unbearable.. I left him... (but I have to say that I was sooo out of love with him, I guess it didn't help)...

 

So.. when a woman is confident about her body, her looks, and that she enjoys porn... her man will only be 'more' appreciative.. trust me on that one..

[porter218]

 

I'm not afraid that he's going to run off with a porn star or a stripper...like he has what it takes to score one of those.. And if by a stroke of luck he does run off with one or any other woman for that matter. You know what, it'll sting like hell but hey that is life, **** happens.

 

.

Well my H has cheated with a couple strippers, and my ex cheated with a porn star. So I think for me it is a little closer to reality then most. Also I have noticed a pattern in my H. Right before and during the times he has cheated is when the porn starts to show up. He doesn't normally use it but when he does begin to look at it, he cheats within 1-2 months like clockwork. I think anyone who has been cheated on has every reason to not like their SO to watch porn. I put my cards on the table when I met him, I was very clear about not accepting porn( I told him 5 days after I met him). I had to make sure he understood this before I was willing to form any long term goals with him. I am not insecure about my looks at all, I know for a fact that I look better then most of the women in the porn. But I have also looked better then every single woman my H has cheated on me with. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think I have earned the right to have some say in my Hs porn use...given his history.

[Jennifer26]

Not all women that don't like their SO's looking at porn are weak, or insecure.

 

Now in my current situation, I am married to a sex addict who is not able to limit his porn use to 'normal' usage. Needless to say, it is a bit different. I enjoy alcohol, and I don't think it is wrong - yet some people abuse it and don't know when enough is enough. The same is true with my H and porn.

 

Although, I must say, my ex rarely looked at porn. Yet, I still did not like it. It wasn't a huge deal to me, I don't even recall if I ever brought it up. I just remember finding he'd been looking at it online and not caring for the thought. Unrealistic or not, I think some people don't want to know their SO is fantasizing about screwing other people.

 

I am not conceited, but I do think I am an attractive woman and I've been told the same by many others. And more importantly, I think I have a good sense of humor, am fairly intelligent, I'm a great cook, a very loving and caring person and I could go on. I don't mean to pat myself on the back too much. However, I just want to demonstrate some women out there don't care for porn and it has nothing to do with how they feel about themselves.

[blair08]

"weak, insecure women are threatened by porn.. it's normal, they have a low self-esteem.."

 

Really? That might be the case for SOME women but not all. Besides alot of women who are in the porn industry are insecure and suffer from low self esteem as well, its one of the reasons they enter into porn. Did I say the only reason? Nope, I said its ONE of the reasons. They get bigger boobs or plastic surgery to make them feel better, does it? Possibly. THey liked to be looked at because they like attention because they weren't getting any, any kind of attention to them would be welcomed etc, so it starts to build up their self esteem. Wonderul, they got new boobies and whetever else, they getting paid and laid, living the glamorous life, (maybe) then things change its not all they thought it was back down their self esteem goes. For various reasons. Mainly because whats going on off camera is whats not glamorous. Because infront of it is the show they put on for others.

 

Also some of these hot looking women out here that have bodies to die for that seem secure and have high self esteem, guess what, SOME of them get cheated on too (you should know), or have a hubby who has a hot wife but would rather look at porn. So its not just about them being insecure or not takign care of themselves etc.

[OpenBook]

IME, porn (in and of itself) is not the threat to women. It's all about what the man DOES with it. The real threat lies inside the man who abuses it and turns it into a weapon against the women in his life.

[JackJack]

PORN....WHATS THE REAL DEAL?

 

 

I don't think there's what you call a real deal or not with porn. I think two people should do what works best for them when it comes to that. Its good if two people can be on the same page about it, but the problem is so many are not. When that happens its best to try to work together to figure out why one loves it so much and the other doesn't.

 

Some say the women have a problem with it due to lack of self esteem or insecurity. That might be the case sometimes, but the same could be said for men who induldge in it all the time too. Maybe they are insecure and weak, and looking for an escape to not deal with real everyday life issues, and looking at something that can't look back (like porn) makes them feel better, temporaily. Same could be said for men who go to escorts and strippers. They are probably weak and insecure so they pay someone else to make them feel better. Once that monitor or TV is shut off, whatever they are not wanting to deal with in RL will still be there. I'm not alking about men who watch it on an occasion, I'm talking more along the lines of men who watch it ALOT, who would rather do that that anything and lets it take over the realtionship. Its one thing to escape into fantasy world once in awhile but quite another to feel the need to stay there.

[Rorocher]

Well my H has cheated with a couple strippers, and my ex cheated with a porn star. So I think for me it is a little closer to reality then most. Also I have noticed a pattern in my H. Right before and during the times he has cheated is when the porn starts to show up. He doesn't normally use it but when he does begin to look at it, he cheats within 1-2 months like clockwork. I think anyone who has been cheated on has every reason to not like their SO to watch porn. I put my cards on the table when I met him, I was very clear about not accepting porn( I told him 5 days after I met him). I had to make sure he understood this before I was willing to form any long term goals with him. I am not insecure about my looks at all, I know for a fact that I look better then most of the women in the porn. But I have also looked better then every single woman my H has cheated on me with. Correct me if I am wrong, but I think I have earned the right to have some say in my Hs porn use...given his history.

 

Porter, I understand where you are coming from but in your situation as in others, where the men just don't know how to draw the line (the analogy of being an alcoholic and enjoying a glass of wine once in a while). Porn is not the problem in these situations. You have on your hands, a man with a problem and trust me, it is not porn. The problem is his attitude, his mindset and his way of thinking in general. If you took porn away, it will be something else. Porn and cheating are not mutually exclusive.

 

A lot of the cases here about porn are extreme, and in a lot of them, the men get trigger happy, neglect is common and disrespect is rampant. But there are those ones, where the women go ape **** because their husbands watched porn once a month. Those are the ones I was targeting in my OP.

 

Men who don't know how to enjoy porn in moderation have personality problems that is deeply ingrained in them that goes way beyond porn.

[EnigmasMuse]

Porter, I understand where you are coming from but in your situation as in others, where the men just don't know how to draw the line (the analogy of being an alcoholic and enjoying a glass of wine once in a while). Porn is not the problem in these situations. You have on your hands, a man with a problem and trust me, it is not porn. The problem is his attitude, his mindset and his way of thinking in general. If you took porn away, it will be something else. Porn and cheating are not mutually exclusive.

 

A lot of the cases here about porn are extreme, and in a lot of them, the men get trigger happy, neglect is common and disrespect is rampant. But there are those ones, where the women go ape **** because their husbands watched porn once a month. Those are the ones I was targeting in my OP.

 

Men who don't know how to enjoy porn in moderation have personality problems that is deeply ingrained in them that goes way beyond porn.

 

 

This is very good post! I have a question for you Rorocher if that's ok. Not to go off topic but since this is about porn. Do you feel, in your opinon, some men who don't know how to enjoy porn in moderation and watch it alot etc, do you feel it possibly stems from something happening to them in childhood or at some point in their life that may have been pretty tramatic? Do you feel too that the differnt types of porn some may really perfer has something to do with something happening to them too?

[quankanne]

weak, insecure women are threatened by porn.. it's normal, they have a low self-esteem..

 

hmm ... I don't consider myself weak or insecure or possessing low self-esteem, but I do feel threatened by porn. To a small degree because it flaunts something I don't possess, but that's easily solved when I realize that their lovely bodies make them them, and me, me.

 

nope, for me, the bigger threat is seeing these women reduced to shallow, meaningless sausage wallets all for the thrill of titillating a paying customer – where's the recognition of what truly makes her special? Is it only because she deep throats for the camera? Is willing to debase herself by performing sex acts? Because she's a gorgeous piece of meat that looks good through the lens? What is society saying about women in general, then, when we support something like porn? When we follow the gossip rags about Brittney being spotted without panties, about her sucking face with Madonna, about Madonna simulating sex on stage during her concerts and in her videos? About little girls – kids who shouldn't be thinking about sexuality to the degree they do at 10 and 12 – dressing up like their "idols" and looking like little whores ready to turn tricks? Where is the beauty in that?

 

Lizzie, I think the "low self-esteem" factors in when people are reduced to doing those kinds of things to ensure attention, not being uncomfortable with it. Because I think women deserve to be something more than to be objectified.

[Rorocher]

This is very good post! I have a question for you Rorocher if that's ok. Not to go off topic but since this is about porn. Do you feel, in your opinon, some men who don't know how to enjoy porn in moderation and watch it alot etc, do you feel it possibly stems from something happening to them in childhood or at some point in their life that may have been pretty tramatic? Do you feel too that the differnt types of porn some may really perfer has something to do with something happening to them too?

 

Childhood traumatic experience is a possibility. Akin to some women who get raped and then turn around to become prosmiscuous. People come up with different, often bizzare ways of coping after a traumatic incident. The mind is a very complicated and fragile part of our body. Some men who were raised in uber conservative homes grow up to be porn/sex addicts because we all know that when you make something extremely taboo, the curiosity of the human mind often magnifies the pleasure you get out of it. There are other people who just have plain addictive personalities and they don't know when to say when. Porn addicts, alcoholics, shopaholics, hoarders, etc, have been proven to have something in their brain that prevents them from enjoying certain things in moderation. Think of a missing brain chip.

 

 

So I think there could be several reasons why people indulge in excessive porn use. Why is why checking up on them, fighting and yelling about it often doesn't help much, it just brings on more frustration for both parties involved. A lot of them can't help it, it's a psychological problem, not a silly habit they can just snap out of.

[PandorasBox]

weak, insecure women are threatened by porn.. it's normal, they have a low self-esteem..

 

hmm ... I don't consider myself weak or insecure or possessing low self-esteem, but I do feel threatened by porn. To a small degree because it flaunts something I don't possess, but that's easily solved when I realize that their lovely bodies make them them, and me, me.

 

nope, for me, the bigger threat is seeing these women reduced to shallow, meaningless sausage wallets all for the thrill of titillating a paying customer – where's the recognition of what truly makes her special? Is it only because she deep throats for the camera? Is willing to debase herself by performing sex acts? Because she's a gorgeous piece of meat that looks good through the lens? What is society saying about women in general, then, when we support something like porn? When we follow the gossip rags about Brittney being spotted without panties, about her sucking face with Madonna, about Madonna simulating sex on stage during her concerts and in her videos? About little girls – kids who shouldn't be thinking about sexuality to the degree they do at 10 and 12 – dressing up like their "idols" and looking like little whores ready to turn tricks? Where is the beauty in that?

 

Lizzie, I think the "low self-esteem" factors in when people are reduced to doing those kinds of things to ensure attention, not being uncomfortable with it. Because I think women deserve to be something more than to be objectified.

 

Exactly!

 

Feeling good about ones self comes from the inside. Its not about how plastic one can get. I mean, if thats what floats people's boat and makes them feel better, then go for it. You can fix the outside by covering up flaws or enhancing things etc, but if you don't fix whats on the inside then all the stuff on the outside wont matter anyway.

[PandorasBox]

"Alot of them can't help it, it is a psychological problem, not a silly habit they can just snap out of."

 

True, that is the case for some, That is why it is pointless to say women are weak, insecure, and have self esteem issues because their men watch porn. I'm not saying its not really like that for some women who husbands watch porn and watch it only sometimes, but the women who have men in their lives who have real issues with porn, its more so the men that have the problem not the women. But so many are quick to say its the woman's problem.

[Rorocher]

The whole point of the thread is that there are several reasons why women are opposed to porn, some are valid, while some just seem silly and aren't worth making an issue of.

 

Some women do have self esteem issues that makes them unable to deal with moderate porn usage.

Some women suffer neglect and disrespect a result of their husband's excessive porn usage.

Some women have an ingrained value system in place. e.g., religion that makes them oppsed to seeing women objectified in porn.

Some have other reasons that I can't think of.

 

Of these though, to me, neglect and a value system are valid reasons. Throwing a tantrum because some porn star's boobs are bigger or perkier than yours is just silly.