I tried to kill myself on Saturday...

[shanny]

I wrote a post a few weeks about about someone always being better. Things really got to me this past weekend and I decided to kill myself. I took a bunch of pills and cut my wrists. It didn't work... my boyfriend called 911 and they made me throw up in the ambulance and I lived. This was not just a cry for attention. I took enough to kill myself.

 

Well I have lived...and I am grateful for that but I am very very scared about my future. I had an emergency appt with my pychiatrist yesterday and she's trying some new meds on me and I have to go to counseling. She "upgraded" my diagnosis from bipolar to borderline personality. I'm taking the steps I need to get better but it can't happen soon enough and I am so scared.

 

Right before I took the pills I was fighting with my poor, innocent victim boyfriend. I got mad at him for something so trivial and blew it out of proporsion and actually had the nerve to hit him repeatedly, throw things at him, say the most awful and hurtful things I ever had. We've been fighting a lot lately and I knew it would only take on more for him to leave me. So that's why I decided to end it. I knew he would leave me. Luckily for me... he is wonderful and is giving me one more chance. And I mean just ONE more chance. This is it for me... I can't mess up. He can't go through it anymore. He can't be loved on second and despised the next and get beat up. I can't blame him one bit.

 

This is the man I want to marry. I have been very "anti kid" my whole life and this man actually makes me want to have a baby. He brings out things in me that I didn't know existed and I truly believe we're soulmates. He's nothing short of amazing.

 

So I'm terrified. I can't control these rages that I go on. I try to talk to myself reasonably. I'm starting my new drugs today but they will take awhile to work... I can't get an appt with a counselour for two weeks. What do I do till then? How do I control this so that I don't lose my boyfriend or anyone else I love?

 

Has anyone else been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder? How did you deal with it? I'm getting all the help that I need with doctors but I need something to get me through till then... Any advice is so appreciated.

[carhill]

Yikes!

 

IMO, being able to talk about this and recognize your fear is a really positive thing. This is truly a time where having someone in your life who is truly an emotional sponge can save you. Someone who won't take anything you say or do personally and just be there for you. Do you have anyone like that?

 

My best advice is a method I developed during the dark days of caring for my psychotic mother. I took each day as itself, not part of a progression or future potential. Just lived the day. Some days were good; some days were bad. I learned to accept each day for what it was and to assign specificity to my feelings, which are normally global and comprehensive. IOW, actions or feelings on one particular day might be painful, but life overall was not a reflection of that pain. It was but one day, one component.

 

Hope it works out. We'll be here as much as is possible

[Lauriebell82]

You need counseling. You said you have doctors..well see a physiatrist IMMEDIATELY. For your own well being and safety seek professional help ASAP. There are emergency hotlines you can call. We can be supportive but suicide is something that shouldn't be dealt with on a website.

 

And yes, does sound like Borderline (I am a counselor)

[TooLittleTooLate]

That sounds terrible. I hope you get better soon.

[shanny]

Thank you all for your support. The whole system with doctors and insurace is such a mess. Hardly any therapists in my area take my insurance and are turning me away. It's so sad that I'm in such desperate need of help but people are turning me away.

 

I'm determined to find someone by the end of the day and I will try to convey how much of an emergency this is. I'm doing everything I can... I started my new drugs and I went for all my blood tests.

 

Carhill... I am definitly taking it one day at a time. Every day that I don't fight, get angry or go into a rage is an accomplishment that I'm very proud of.

 

Ms. Red... thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

 

The scary thing is that I feel ok now. I feel calm and ready to take care of this and become happy but I'm scared of my brain and scared of myself that something will set me off and I will lose my boyfriend and others who care about me. I'm really scared because my boyfriend is leaving in two weeks to go to Dallas for work. I don't deal well with him being away because I get extremely jealous. However my sister is going to stay with me and keep me busy and make sure I don't do anything to myself. See... I have so many people who care about me... It makes me sick that I'm doing this to them.

 

Well thank you all. I'll keep you posted as I make progress!

[carhill]

Oh, also, I find/have found reading and participating her at LS acts as a mirror, allowing a dispassionate reflection of myself and my behaviors/emotions in the advice I offer others. Sometimes moving outside oneself to empathize/sympathize/share with others brings new energy into one's life. I know such has for myself.

 

Shanny, you'll know who your friends really are here. Sometimes, IME, such is a surprise. I suspect you have a lot of guilt and anxiety when you present a polished, cool exterior to the public when all this interior turmoil is going on. Fear of being "found out" for the imperfect person you are. Just remember, when you look in the eyes of others, that people are all imperfect, and they might be facing exactly the same things that you are right now. You just never know, do you?

 

Take care!

[Nevermind]

Shanny,

 

I know how you feel. While I am not bipolar, the pain and hurt that can lead to a suicide attempt are not foreign to me.

 

((hugs)) You are not alone. And you, too, will come out of it.

 

Acceptance is a key word on your journey. Accept yourself, your flaws, your good sides. Both.

 

If you know that certain emotions can lead to bad actions you can focus on them too much, and increase your stress level significantly. Fear of fear itself only breeds more fear. It is a vicious circle. And you can act against it, by accepting your fear. You won't be calm, but you also won't lose control this way.

 

It is okay to be afraid. When you feel pain, or sorrow...contact somebody. But don't allow your mind to wander in moody circles.

 

Your boyfriend is leaving in 2 weeks. Try to focus on the two weeks that he is there with you now, and if you find your mind to wander...think about spending time with your sister. See? Don't focus on the boyfriend who is leaving, but the sister who is coming.

 

In general, be good to yourself. Don't hate yourself. This is the best thing you can do - for yourself and those around you.

 

((hugs))

 

It is not easy, and I am glad you're trying to get help. It's the best thing you can do. Take care.

[whichwayisup]

I know you're scared - But you know what? That's a good thing. That fear will make you work harder...Make you ask for help if you feel awful again. I hope they can move up your counsellor appointment sooner, keep calling daily and let them know if there's a cancellation, to call you immediately so they can see you.

 

If by chance you start feeling awful again, please don't be shy to call 911 or ask your bf to take you to the hospital. They WILL look after you there if you're having thoughts of suicide or self harm.

 

Shanny, you're a great person - Inside and out, so please don't compare yourself to anyone else. When you do that, you're only seeing one side of the person you're comparing yourself to. Everyone has their 'stuff', maybe some just hide it better than others. Carhill is right, noone is perfect, even if they 'look like it' trust me, they're not. Everyone has problems, issues, insecurities..

 

I hope you feel better. Please keep posting your thoughts here too. IHugs..

[Star Gazer]

Shanny,

 

Don't be afraid to reach out for more help. Keep up with your psychiatrist regularly, every minute if need be.

 

You're a strong, lovely woman. You CAN and WILL get through this.

 

Please keep us posted with your progress.

[quankanne]

shanny, two weeks is a long time to have to wait to see a doctor, but there are other resources. Check to see if any of the local hospitals have a support group. If you're a student, see what sort of counseling services they offer their students. Talk to the pastor or rabbi or minister at your church – if you don't have one, don't hesitate to ask if you can talk to one anyway, this is what they're in business for. Or simply post away here at the Shack. I've always found this a good place of strong support

 

most importantly, don't let yourself get to a point where you start feeling so bad about things that to decide to do something harmful to yourself. it might take awhile for the docs to find the right medicine combo, but they *will* find a solution, so don't despair.

 

hugs,

q

[Lauriebell82]

LB's post was ridiculously rude and demanding given the nature of the OP's post.

 

--------

 

Shanny,

 

Don't be afraid to reach out for more help. Keep up with your psychiatrist regularly, every minute if need be.

 

You're a strong, lovely woman. You CAN and WILL get through this.

 

Please keep us posted with your progress.

 

Ugh, give me a freaking break here.

 

Anyway, I apologize to Shanny I accidentally skipped a portion of your post and missed some of the information. I'm sorry!

(oh I accidently spelled psychiatrist wrong, it happens!!!)

 

Anyway, okay new post here due to me now reading the entire thing. Yes, I do agree you should keep up with your psychiatrist and seek all the help you can get. Again, now that I read the whole thing I have some other things to say:

 

A) Like I said there are emergency hotlines, you can always go to the ER if in a crisis. I have dealt with crisis situations and the best thing is to just keep talking to someone.

 

B) Please do not make blame yourself. You can get through this, and we can give you the support you need.

 

Again sorry that I skipped parts! PM me anytime if you have questions.

[shanny]

Lauriebell... I figured you didn't read the end of my post... no biggie. Thank you for your advice. It is unbelievable how little counselors want to help. I have this insurance called Magellan for mental health and no one accepts it... It doesn't matter that I tried to kill myself, I keep getting turned away. I'm determined to have an appt by tomorrow.

 

Meanwhile, I am feeling calm. I am very conscious of my emotions right now and anytime I get upset I am talking myself down. I know I can't let this happen again or I will lose my boyfriend and my parents will have me committed. I'm working really hard at this.

 

I'm not drinking and just really trying to keep under control. Thank you for all your help everyone!

[whichwayisup]

Hey Shanny, glad you posted back tonight.

 

Take it one day at a time and please, keep posting on LS. Glad you're feeling abit better today too.

[carhill]

Shanny, has your cat been keeping close? Cats know

[shanny]

Shanny, has your cat been keeping close? Cats know

 

Carhill that is amazing that you asked that... I actually have two cats. The little one pictured is Harley (he just turned 1!) and I have a long haired calico named Punkin. They have been GLUED to me. I have a very close relationship to them... they are my kids... my everything and I owe them an apology for all the screaming, yelling and throwing things that happened that horrible night. As you know I'm sure, that kinda stuff stresses the little ones out. I have been babying them and they have been babying me... by cuddling and by being downright funny... They really do know when mommy needs them... amazing.

 

Looking at them I can't believe I tried to take my own life. These little guys depend on me and make my life so full. I assume you are an animal lover too... What these little guys do is amazing!

 

Thank you so much! Writing about my little ones made me feel better!

[quankanne]

might be because you know they need you, so you're in a position to mother them with lots of love (positive emotion) at a time when other emotions seem to be topsy-turvy? And because they love you back unconditionally.

 

well, dogs do. The verdict's still out on cats

[shanny]

might be because you know they need you, so you're in a position to mother them with lots of love (positive emotion) at a time when other emotions seem to be topsy-turvy? And because they love you back unconditionally.

 

well, dogs do. The verdict's still out on cats

 

Nah... the verdict's not still out on my babies... I raised them like kids and they know when mommy need them... especially my little girl Punkin (girls are more perceptive anyway...)

 

I'm still in a really bad place where I'm kinda scared of myself but I'm taking it one day at a time. Started my new drugs today though they will take several weeks to work. I'm reading a book my psychiatrist gave me and I'm thinking constantly that there are consequences for my actions (losing my boyfriend and losing my freedom by being committed to a psych ward). Right now I feel relatively under control... but I'm scared I won't be if something sets me off. I'm trying to avoid ANYTHING that might set me off until I get more help.

 

I really appreciate everyone's help. Your kind words are really getting me through this!

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I remember when I was goign through a tough time and I could not find a therapist who was accepting new patients. On top of that, I felt that they were quite rude when talking to me. At the time I was very raw and sensitive as I am sure you are feeling right now. So DON'T GIVE UP. Keep calling. You will find someone. If you don't like them, you can find someone else.

[Lizzie60]

you're going through a rough patch right now.. but trust me.. there is hope.. take your meds religously ... see a psychiatrist or a psychologist.. if you feel comfortable with him/her...

 

Meds have probably saved my life.. I was in deep deep depression for 6 years, I wasn't diagnosed with anything, it was purely a deep depression.

 

I attempted 3 times.. 2 of which sent me in a coma... The second time, I was hospitalized in a psychiatric wing... therapy never helped me.. it's very hard to find a good therapist.. and sometimes we don't have the luxury to 'try' new ones until we find a good one... they are not always available upon request. it's quite frustrating as a matter of fact..

 

but medication are important.. good support from your friends and family is also primordial.

 

Hang in there.. there is light at the end of the tunnel... trust me on that one..

[carhill]

Carhill that is amazing that you asked that... I actually have two cats. The little one pictured is Harley (he just turned 1!) and I have a long haired calico named Punkin. They have been GLUED to me. I have a very close relationship to them... they are my kids... my everything and I owe them an apology for all the screaming, yelling and throwing things that happened that horrible night. As you know I'm sure, that kinda stuff stresses the little ones out. I have been babying them and they have been babying me... by cuddling and by being downright funny... They really do know when mommy needs them... amazing.

 

Looking at them I can't believe I tried to take my own life. These little guys depend on me and make my life so full. I assume you are an animal lover too... What these little guys do is amazing!

 

Thank you so much! Writing about my little ones made me feel better!

I'm a wife's cats lover

 

People say I have a special relationship with animals. IMO, animals sense energy and communicate in ways we don't understand. I believe your cats imprint on you and "know" what's going on with you.

 

I've found cats to be very loyal, as well as independent. Qualities I admire in people too

 

One day at a time. Extra milk for the cat

[Lizzie60]

I'm a wife's cats lover

 

People say I have a special relationship with animals. IMO, animals sense energy and communicate in ways we don't understand. I believe your cats imprint on you and "know" what's going on with you.

 

I've found cats to be very loyal, as well as independent. Qualities I admire in people too

 

One day at a time. Extra milk for the cat

 

I also believe that.. here's a link about Oscar:

 

http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/07/25/death.cat.ap/

 

but it's also true for dogs IMO.. my best friend's dog started to behave strangely with her husband.. following him and constantly sitting in front of him.. crying .. her husband would get mad at the dog for constantly 'crying' when he sat down on the sofa.. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer not very long after that.. he died 5 months later..

[Crestfallen_KH]

I'm glad you're still with us, shanny.

 

Don't let anyone convince you those kitties don't know. I absolutely believe animals have a sixth sense. When I left my husband and took my cat Murphy with me, he was extremely affectionate, always cuddling with me on the sofa and at night.

 

He's always been a big cat, but he lost weight dramatically and I thought maybe he was sick. I took him to vet, and they couldn't find anything physically wrong with him. They later assumed he must have lost weight due to stress - stress caused by my own stress and sadness. When I stopped bawling every day, he put the weight back on and is healthy as ever again.

 

And, when my ex swung by one day to drop off some stuff, he wouldn't have ANYTHING to do with him - and this was a guy he lived with for 8 years.

 

I don't doubt Lizzie's story at all. They know, and they would have sorely missed you.

 

Keep trying to see a counselor. Keep taking your meds, and always, always reach out to someone.

 

Remember, it's not that you don't want to live, it's that you don't want to feel bad anymore. And feeling bad doesn't have to be a permanent thing.

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. I am so sorry. Glad you are still with us. You certainly have purpose.

 

I have Magellan too. Its not a health insurance though. Its more like a work/life support assistance program. BUT.....they have an 800-number that you can call 24/7 and ask for a counsellor right then and there. They WILL talk to you over the phone. I know this because this service has been a sanity saver for me.

 

Everyone that answers their phones is a licensed counsellor of some type (social worker, psychologist, therapist, crisis counsellor, etc.) So you can call them as often as you need to - FREE.

 

Call them if you need to *talk* to someone. I know how hearing another human voice is sometimes all that's needed to give new strength and encouragement to go another day.

 

You can do it.

[Ms. Red]

That's good info NID. I'm also glad Shanny is still with us. I hope she can find the help she needs/desires with the info you've provided.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Shanny, I posted this early yesterday morning & it seems to have disappeared into the twilight zone so I will re-post because I care & want to give you support as others have done:

 

 

I recently had to deal with a suicidal situation very close to me. I had to let the "person on the phone" know I couldn't wait.

 

Try calling back your professional contacts & be honest & tell them you need another urgent appointment. Some staff who answer the phones are not trained medically & just are the clerical end of the operation.

 

Never stop reaching out for help. I admire you for that! I wish you well. =^-^=

[Taramere]

I'm still in a really bad place where I'm kinda scared of myself but I'm taking it one day at a time. Started my new drugs today though they will take several weeks to work. I'm reading a book my psychiatrist gave me and I'm thinking constantly that there are consequences for my actions (losing my boyfriend and losing my freedom by being committed to a psych ward). Right now I feel relatively under control... but I'm scared I won't be if something sets me off. I'm trying to avoid ANYTHING that might set me off until I get more help.

 

It sounds as though you're doing the right things to help yourself get better, Shanny. I hope you won't spend too much time frightening yourself with worst possible scenarios and focus, instead, on doing the things that help you to feel happy and relaxed. It's great that you have pets you're devoted to. Animals have to be one of the number one ways of helping you to de-stress....and cats in particular are masters at the art of relaxation.