Am I paranoid?

[McElizabeth]

Been with the guy for 7 months. He's super attentive and seems to really want me in his life. Problem is, I don't entirely trust him so I can't really commit to him. Let me be clear, committed or not, I remain faithful to him.

 

The issues I have with trusting him all come down to his relationships with other women. Girls who communicate with him and his responses to said women. Right now I'm on high alert because he's on a work trip and the girl I'm most concerned about lives in the city he's in. I've met this woman twice (they both travel extensively for work). The first time I met her she was nice and offered a firm handshake but I felt a twinge of jealousy just because she was the only girl traveling with a bunch of guys and he seemed to really get on well with her. She gave out massages and fixed skinned knees. GAG. I remember he told me something about her saying in jest that the 2 of them should have babies together. From then on, I didn't like her nor did I trust her. However, I am of the opinion that it really doesn't matter what they do. I'm watching his behavior. I cannot control her and I'm not in a relationship with her.

 

The next time we met, she was again nice and offered a firm handshake but seemed taken aback that I had accompanied him on this particular trip. "I didn't know you were gonna have your lady with you" and her eyes just seemed really shifty.

 

Anyway, recently during a conversation with his brother where he was telling a story, he looked to me and said "hey what was that girl's name who was on the bus with us a while back"? I reminded him of her name. How could I forget? And I was a little suspicious that he "forgot" her name. I took it more as him being an idiot and trying to quell any suspicion I might have but instead calling my attention to her. Keep in mind, I haven't told him of my feelings about her at all.

 

Anyway, so he's there now and I'm freaking out. Yesterday I was fine. I was really trying just be happy in the relationship and trying to offer more of my own affection to him and this seemed to be making things better. However, I got a text from him yesterday (out of nowhere) and we had already texted earlier in the day to exchange "how are you's". Anyway it said, "How's about you? How are ya pretty girl?"

 

It just seemed out of context and inter-conversational. I replied "still good". my gut feeling was that he mis-texted. And it could have been anyone but he didn't reply. He called me about an hour later just to say Hi and almost right away said "that was just me bein' silly earlier when I said How's about you". I just said, "oh. i just figured you meant to send that to someone else". Of course he said "no. that was for you".

 

Anyway, I dropped it and haven't said anything since. As a matter of fact, I haven't responded to any emails or texts or returned any phone calls. I just don't feel right about it. And I have no one to talk to. And I'm not one of those naggy type girlfriends so I'm not going to badger him about it.

 

HELP! I'm too deep into this to see logic. Opinions are greatly appreciated.

[imagine]

Being fearful and walking on eggs is unattractive. Reign this in. Ask him cold if he has something to say concerning this woman. Watch the body language. Do not respond when he says 'What do you mean?'

 

Does he hesitate? Change the subject? Turn the questions around? If he does, he is gas-lighting. Tell him to bugger off.

My guess is that he will recognize that boundaries have been set and will begin to chase you. If he does not chase you... good riddance, you have your answer.

 

A person disrespecting you this early in your relationship is really going to mess you up when/if that relationship matures.

 

By the way, you should not have tolerated that girls remark about "having his babies". Flirting like that should have been challenged... and backed up by bf. Remember for next time!

[Grrlish]

McElizabeth:

 

Let's say that this gal is the only reason you don't trust him:

 

I would encourage you to identify 'the facts' and accept them, or move along. Some of the facts are that he travels a lot for work and it sounds as if he travels with or crosses the path of this gal on a semi-regular basis. Based on what you've written, it sounds as if you don't trust her more than you don't trust him.

 

My boyfriend works in an industry that generally employs more women than men. In addition, a fair number of his clients are women. He gets emails, texts, and phone calls from women, day and night. He is friendly and handsome and women fawn on him often. I have to trust him. Whether I trust the women he is around is irrelevant.

 

There isn't much you can do about her behavior, or anything at all, really. If she's massaging your boyfriend's knee in your presence, I would suggest making sure that the next time you see her doing it, that you keep your eyes on her face until she looks your way. Then somehow subtly convey with your eyes that you don't appreciate her actions.

 

Bottomline: If you trust him, she doesn't matter.

 

Other than the text message, you didn't really indicate why you don't trust him. You wrote:

 

"The issues I have with trusting him all come down to his relationships with other women. Girls who communicate with him and his responses to said women."

 

but you didn't give any information to go on.

 

Again, it's difficult at times when you have a boyfriend that women like. As I said above, my boyfriend is friendly and quite handsome. He is also a bit of a schmoozer and sometimes the way that he speaks to women sounds as if it borders on friendly/flirty. Nearly every woman I meet who knows him tells me how great he is. I can either be insecure about it or I can be happy that he's mine and 'off the market' and...neener-neener...they can't have him.

 

As for the text message, it probably was meant for someone else. How meaningful it was, only you can decide. Only you can decide how much you want it to affect your budding relationship.

 

At 7 months, the two of you are just getting to know each other. Perhaps it is his way of talking to women to call them 'pretty lady' or use such phrases. I have a male friend who says 'pretty lady' or 'darlin' in his texts and emails on a regular basis, and on the phone sometimes. My boyfriend has a lilting voice that comes across as flirty,and yes, he plays it up sometimes. Often, when a business associate calls on the phone, just the way he says "Hello, Sally. How are you?" sounds flirty, I swear.

 

Bottomline: I'm not going to significantly effect the tone and cadence of his voice, or the overall way that he speaks.

 

If your boyfriend uses language like 'pretty lady' to talk to other women, can you deal with that? If he has female friends, can you deal with that?

 

You wrote that you are unable to commit all the way to him. You also wrote...and it troubled me a bit...that you are "of the opinion that it really doesn't matter what they do", in regard to them having babies together..?

 

Based on my own experience, this statement sounds like self-protection mentality. The kind that keeps walls up because you 'might' get hurt.

 

If you really don't care if they sleep together and have babies, why are you dating him? If you do care, then don't say the opposite. Be honest with yourself, either way.

 

I had a woman say the same thing to me one time about an ex-boyfriend, when he was my new boyfriend. For that move, I considered her classless. They had a long standing flirtation before I met my then-new boyfriend and it was probably a running joke. So what?

 

We're adults. (We're in our early 40s; I don't know how old you are.) None of us was born yesterday. We ALL come with baggage of some sort. I'm beginning to believe that how we deal with each other's past/baggage is a huge part of the process of figuring out if we can have something long-term together.

 

Lastly, asking questions, speaking your mind, and such is not being a naggy girlfriend - depending on how you present yourself. Know what you want to ask or say before you start speaking. Be direct, not overly emotional, definitely not whiney.

 

Asking questions helps you learn about him and his life to determine if you want to have a relationship with him. Speaking your mind, being clear about what you want and don't want in your life and your personal relationship is important.

 

If he's attentive and seems to really want you in his life, I suggest that you consider taking him at face value until he proves otherwise.

 

I would let the mis-directed text message go, or if it comes up, make a joke about him being a little more careful about who he sends messages to, and drop it. As we go forward in new relationships, we have to expect that the other person is going to make choices to support the new relationship. If they don't, we will know and we can choose to leave.

 

I wouldn't put much more thought into the female coworker.

 

I would figure out if you can accept the facts, though, as stated at the top of this post. If him traveling and being around this woman is going to drive you crazy, let him go.

[McElizabeth]

Thanks. I needed to hear some sanity. And I agree with you. If he is an otherwise superb boyfriend, take it at face value until he proves otherwise.

 

I won't pretend that dating a constant traveler hasn't been an adjustment. It has. And it's not the being away that gets to me. As stated, he's super attentive. Meaning, he keeps in touch. By any available means and always makes me feel special. I really have no doubts that this man wants to be with me. I worry I guess, that he may still be clinging to certain "single man" lifestyle habits. The times in your life when you can conduct yourself anyway you like and not always consider whether or not it's appropriate behavior when you are partnered up with someone. It solicits, or rather does not command, certain respects to your partner.

 

He does have many female friends. Can I handle that? Sure. I've confronted a few of the uncomfortable circumstances ( an ex girlfriend namely) and voiced my thoughts. In a sort of either-you're-finished-with-that-or-not tone and suggested we either move on without her or stop cold. He was on board and fixed the problem immediately. He's like that. If I voice it, he wants to and does, fix it.

 

 

To be clear, what I meant by "I don't really care what they do", the "they" referred to the other women and how they behave. What I care about is his behavior.

 

At any rate, I realize that I am walking on too many eggshells. Some that I am probably throwing down myself. Not sure why exactly.

 

Thanks for the reply. I appreciate it.

[Grrlish]

Nice. See? We CAN clear our heads!

 

I say 'We' because I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

 

He will cling to 'single man' habits here and there, and he will have to choose to let those go as things progress. Sometimes he will do this on his own. Sometimes, he may need a gentle nudge from you.

 

You sound like you're doing fine.

 

Eggshells...we do throw those down for ourselves sometimes, don't we?

 

Love, or heading in that direction, can be scary sometimes. We are often trying to protect ourselves against what might happen.

 

Eventually, we have to lay our hearts wide open, even though we don't know what will happen. It's really the only way.

 

I tried so hard to protect myself when I first started dating my now-boyfriend that I nearly ruined everything and ran him off.

 

Have there been some challenges as I learn to open up and he learns to be a partner in actively developing our relationship? Yes. Have I been hurt as our relationship continues to develop? Yes.

 

Am I madly in love with my boyfriend? Yes. Did he just last night do something that I know was a stretch for him that is a huge step as we continue down the path that we both want to be on...together? Yes!

 

 

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure.

The fearful are caught as often as the bold.

~ Helen Keller