Currently finding it very difficult to trust my partner

[win1234]

Hi Guys,

 

I am currently finding it very difficult to trust my partner. We have been together for 1 year and are living together. I just need someone to put my head straight, because I know it is largely if not solely insecurity on my part that is casuing the lack of trust, which is making me very angry with myself.

We both have worried in the past, and both have been suspicious if one of us did not call from work, or one of us went out with friends, and would not come back on time, etc. After alot of arguing, we decided that we were both getting very stressed with the other worrying, and this only build up resentment and a stronger lack of trust. So about a week ago, we decided, we are going to start trusting each other and start believing that we love each other.

I think the point that angers me most is that I have never had any reason for me to be worried, no suscpicous calls, texts, unexplained meetings, u name it. My partner has told me plenty of times how much she loves me and my doubts and lack of trust has brought her many a time to tears. We both have shed alot of tears. I used to worry about going out with my friends, because my partner might think i am up to something, and I did the same. Deep down I know she is not the type and I know if anything were to ever split us up it would not be her having an affair, but it would be my lack of trust in her. We show are love in different ways. I prefer to show it in a more physical ( both through hugs and kisses and also sexually ) way, while my girlfriend would make me sandwhiches for lunch, or pick me up from work, this type of thing. I know it is important that I recognise that this is her way of showing love but it feels like there is something missing. She says I am the man of her dreams but it just does not feel like she treats like i really am the man of her dreams. She is in general very laid-back, and maybe I should be carefull not to doubt her love anymore.She has told she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and is happy with me, but if anything makes her unhappy its me saying that she is not really happy, or does not really love me. She says she knows that I love her, and that she trusts me fully and she accepts that I love her. How do i know she is not just saying that but is secretly unhappy and does not want me ?Is it me being paranoid ? Insecure ? Me being blind to all the things she has done for me and all the ways she has showed me love ? Maybe it is a lack of self-confidence on my part ? Or is it maybe me that is not happy with my life and is trying to shift blame on to her for my unhappiness wherever it may be ?

I love her very much and just want both of us to trust each other and be relaxed and enjoy our time together.

 

Regards,

 

Winston

[my_mother's_daughter]

Phew!! I'm surprised you could get all of this down on 'paper' with all of those thoughts that must be buzzing around in your head...

 

I know it is largely if not solely insecurity on my part that is causing the lack of trust, which is making me very angry with myself

 

I think you may have answered your own question here Winston. At the heart of your behaviour is a major insecurity; possibly that you are not 'worthy' of the woman you love, and that she could easily find better and of course she's bound to!!! etc etc...

 

Sounds to me like you love your partner very much and what's driving this behaviour is a paralysing fear that you will lose her, so you look for 'signs' that may prove you right. I find that many people have this self destructive streak whereby if there isn't a problem, they push for one and despite the knowledge that their activity/behaviour in itself will cause the one thing they fear, they do it anyway.

 

You say you have no actual foundation to mistrust your girlfriend? Then remind yourself of this each time the compulsion to feel jealous and insecure kicks in..

 

I used to worry about going out with my friends, because my partner might think i am up to something, and I did the same

 

But you do allow each other time for yourselves, right? Because if not, it would explain a lot why you're obsessing about this. You need other interests and activities to occupy your time and your mind..

 

Also, some people seem to be pre-disposed to the negative. (I believe society coins this pessimism ) In the same way that you obsess that you're not good enough and the relationship will break up, you could possibly also be obsessing about the very nature of love and relationships. There are so many broken hearts around and stories of terrible suffering (look at the Loveshack boards!!) Infidelity is oft reported in the media and has become represented almost as a 'norm' and so of course for people with a pre-disposition to mistrust, doubt and be cynical, it's just further confirmation that something bad will happen (after all it happens to everyone else, right?) WRONG. We don't hear so many of the good stories, but that doesn't mean that there are just as many out there!!! Many posters here for instance will tell you that they are in a good relationship with someone they love, trust and are committed to.

 

 

My best advice here would be to take things as you find them, if there is no foundation to your fears, then really all you're doing is making yourself miserable. Stop thinking negatively and enjoy your relationship with your lady. And take your finger off that goddarn self destruct button!!

 

xxx

[win1234]

Hi,

 

Thanks for your reply and sound advice.

I really dont think I have any reason to mistrust my partner, but I know I am very diligent in looking for a reason to mistrust her. Sure even sometimes I have come to the conclusion that she is pretending / faking all she does for me, and is just doing it to keep me happy, and that she is secretly planning to leave me, and would be happier without me. ( I know, SNAP OUT OF IT ) .But these worries are there and they are very emotionally draining. We have had arguments in the past over this, and it really is / was a two-way thing. It is not just me that is insecure, she was to. ( Suspicious of text messages, phone calls, being late from work - and that is being 5 minutes late from work, not 5 hours or something ). Once or twice when I expressed my doubts about her feelings for me she would drive up to my work in tears, not understanding why I dont believe her. She has told me that after a few months and alot of tears, she could not take that kind of stress anymore, and said I just have to believe her.I guess to a certain extent I already pushed her to a limit where alot of people would have said, life is to short for all this worrying. But she stayed, and is still with me. I guess the biggest proof in the pudding is that after a year she is still with me, but knowing my mind I will, and have wondered that after all that has happened, will she now start thinking it is not worth it ?

Maybe I focus to much on the negative. She shares the bills with me, she has bought me lovely presents, she has written me poems, she kept all the poems I have written for her, we are going on holidays together in september and told me she is really looking forward to going with me, we have a happy sex life, and I guess the list goes on.

If anything she has had more reason to worry than me and maybe it might somehow explain my worries. I was unfaithfull to a previous partner of mine. A christmas party fling, which ended a year and a half relationship and started a 5 month one. I left the year and a half one for this person I met at the christmas party. Maybe knowing how it can happen, is what scares me most, since I have done it myself. I know, its ironic, and If anything I really dont have a right to worry about someone being unfaithfull to me, when I myself have commited the sin which scares me most.

It is something I know I will never do to my partner now, and somehow deep down I know she will not do to me.

And I have not had any partners before who were unfaithfull to me, at least not that I knew of. Nor has my partner been in a situation where someone was unfaithfull to her.

Do we have time to ourselves ? Well, this is something we have started to work on. For a few months it was a case where we really did not see any of our friends and I spend alot of time with my partner and her mother which did frustrate me alot, because if I did not go she often thought I did not like being there, but this is changing now, because we just have to learn to trust each other. We are starting to do our own things now, and not thinking that one of is up to something. Its tricky getting the balance right, and is something I know we both have to work on everyday. But I know it will be worth it, because I love her more than anything and I am very lucky to have her.

 

Regards,

 

W

[my_mother's_daughter]

Maybe knowing how it can happen, is what scares me most, since I have done it myself

 

You hit the nail on the head. You never raised this in your initial post, but you obviously have made the connection here on your own. Often we already know the answers... Just because you made a mistake doesn't mean either a) it is common or b) it weill happen to you to punish you for your mistake. Wrong, wrong, wrong...

 

She shares the bills with me, she has bought me lovely presents, she has written me poems, she kept all the poems I have written for her, we are going on holidays together in september and told me she is really looking forward to going with me, we have a happy sex life, and I guess the list goes on

 

When the 'demons' come, force them out by concentrating on the good instead, make the above kind of like your mantra. After you force yourself to do this, after a while it becomes automatic. The difference between people who are anxious and people who are not is that they don't allow the negative to occupy such a huge part of their thoughts. Don't let negativity ruin your relationship.

 

I'm not saying bad things don't happen, but worrying about them constantly is pointless. My mum has a great saying regarding this trait to worry without foundation. I love it: "Worry is the interest you're paying on a debt you don't yet owe"

 

So it seems like you're taking the right steps, and that you really do want to work on this.

 

I love her more than anything and I am very lucky to have her

 

And there we have it!!

 

xxx

[win1234]

I know, I tend to be very introspective. As much as I can worry and think about the negatives, I am able to step out of my own persona and at least attempt to take a third-party view of the situation and of my fears and worries, and at least attempt to look at it from other angles. Is it rational ? Do I have any evidence ? Is it really that important ? Am I just being plain stupid ? I have to say I really like your mothers expression. It is very true

 

Thanks for the advice.

[my_mother's_daughter]

You're welcome. Sometimes we just need what we already know spelling out to us. Thanks for your thanks!! I like to know I may have helped in some way. As for the expression, I think it's so true, I see it so often.

 

Anyway, best of luck, I think you'll be OK...