housework

[trubella]

so my bf and I have been talking alot about the future, we both would like to start a family within the next 3years.

 

I guess what stood out to me, and im not sure if its just his cultural background or if its just how he thinks things should be, but ultimately he thinks it should be the womans place to take care of the house, while he works.

 

i wouldnt say his outlook on things is completely stone age because he fully supports me wanting to start my own business soon. i just dont think it should be up to me entirely to cook and clean etc.

 

i dont mind being homemaker but i also plan to work as well.

 

when i think back on how i was raised, my mother always took over with the kids, she did the cooking and cleaning- rarely did i ever see my dad lift a finger. no i take that back he atleast mowed the lawn, killed a few bugs, switched lightbulbs, but most of the chores fell onto my mothers lap.

 

but theyve been married for 34yrs now, surely marriages dont crumble over housework not being equally shared right?or am i just being naieve to think this is minor.

 

for the most part we seem to hold similar views on what we would like in the future, its just this one little snag that i cant seem to overlook.

[Rorocher]

Don't overlook, please. It is not a minor detail. If you don't agree with him. Marriage is serious and it's for life. In my opinion, no detail is too minor to discuss pre-marriage. What seems to not be a big deal now will seem like a dealbreaker after 10+ years together.

[Lizzie60]

Please please please True.. put your cards on the table BEFORE.. even 'test' him if you live together (you should before you marry him)...

 

there is absolutely NO compromises here.. you both work outside then you're BOTH responsible for the chores and the kids...

 

Don't let him win this.. it's another story if you stay at home.. but the kids are still half and half..

[redfathom]

Resentment breeds hatred...You may resent him later for not helping out around the house and much as you would like. This is one reason I don't want kids.

[Ronni_W]

surely marriages dont crumble over housework not being equally shared right?

Not that it'll be the "housework" per se, but how the subject of housework and the ultimate division of chores will reflect inherent inequalities in the relationship and differences in understanding, acceptance, values, etc.

 

My own family home was like yours -- dad did "outdoor" and maintenance stuff only, and the bbq. For some reason, women couldn't handle heaping hot cauldron of charcoal. (So, I still don't bbq...but I'm fine with that.)

 

And when I got married I suspected that my old childhood crap was gonna come up and bite my butt, and make me feel all guilty unless I did all the bloody housework...which I do not at all enjoy. Intensely do not enjoy!

 

So, I told future-hubby that we would be getting a house-cleaning service. He was dead set against (he actually *likes* doing housework ), but it was one of my few non-negotiables.

Same thing in my current live-in -- you want ME to take care of the housework, I will be calling someone in.

 

Okay well...full disclosure. I do pretty little of housework and zero cooking. I'm pretty freaking spoiled rotten . But I DO do the laundry and dishes!

[Walk]

I kind of had the same thoughts as you expressed when I married my exH. He despised chores (cooking, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc), so everything pretty much fell in my lap. Except, my exH didn't mow either.

 

Anyway... At first I was okay with it. My mom did all the chores while I was growing up while dad did the "manly" stuff. So I assumed that should be my role. But then I realized... wait a minute, I'm working 80 hour weeks running my own business while dork boy works 40. THen *I* come home to cook, do the dishes, wash laundry while my exH sat on the couch, or hung out with his friends. I grew so resentful that I finally (in a fit of rage) demanded he do half the household chores. I got a dry erase board and divided chores by alternating days. The only time chores were done was when it was "my day" to do them.

 

It never changed. I worked a few 90 hour weeks to come home to pizza boxes and garbage strewn all over the house. When I only worked 50-60 hour weeks, I was still expected to cook a fabulous meal, clean the house and be Perky for sex!!

 

Ugh. It sucked.

 

Anyway... when I first started dating my H (current) I flat out told him I was not cooking for him, and I wasn't going to be house maid to any man. My H doesn't care. He grew up in an environment where if you wanted something done, you did it yourself. And if something needed to be done, you just did it. Whether that was dishes, cooking, mowing, man work, woman work, whatever. It has to be done, so you do it.

 

That attitude works for me. That's something I can live with.

 

I don't mind doing all the chores if I'm not working, or even if we're both working but my H is exhausted that week, then I don't mind doing all the chores for a while.. but in todays society where my career is just as demanding, just as stressful, and brings in JUST as much money as my H, then I see no logical reason why I should have to do twice as much as my partner on a permenant basis.

 

Moral of story.. if you two don't come to some kind of equitable distribution of household chores then it will break your relationship in the future. You'll gradually get more and more resentful over the inequitable division of labor.

 

Starting a business involves incredibly long hours and a great deal of stress. I don't see how your bf is "supportive" of your ambitions if he's still saying he expects you to come home and clean and cook for him while you attempt to get a business off the ground. Support to me means you take on the extra chores so your SO has the time and energy to focus on what he/she needs to do. I don't believe your bf is going to magically be doing household chores because you started your own business. I see you working 70-80+ hour weeks and coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes, no clean clothes, and a bunch of pizza empty pizza boxes while your bf snores softly on the couh. (oh wait, that was my life )

[Mr. Lucky]

i wouldnt say his outlook on things is completely stone age because he fully supports me wanting to start my own business soon. i just dont think it should be up to me entirely to cook and clean etc.

 

i dont mind being homemaker but i also plan to work as well.

I think any arrangement, while discussed in advance, should be based on common sense. If one partner stays at home (and that doesn't have to be the woman, there are SAH men) while the other works full-time, then the house becomes their "job". They should cook, clean, do laundry, etc.

 

If both partners work full-time, they should split the chores evenly. Simple as that. And if you can't agree as a couple on how the housework will be handled, I don't like your chances of working through the bigger issues life and marriage will send your way !

 

Mr. Lucky

[trubella]

Starting a business involves incredibly long hours and a great deal of stress. I don't see how your bf is "supportive" of your ambitions if he's still saying he expects you to come home and clean and cook for him while you attempt to get a business off the ground. Support to me means you take on the extra chores so your SO has the time and energy to focus on what he/she needs to do. I don't believe your bf is going to magically be doing household chores because you started your own business. I see you working 70-80+ hour weeks and coming home to a sink full of dirty dishes, no clean clothes, and a bunch of pizza empty pizza boxes while your bf snores softly on the couh. (oh wait, that was my life )

 

we're not moving in together until january, but while im in the process of starting my own co. i think its pretty much a given that i wont be able to take care of the house as well as start the biz on my own for awhile, and he knows this/ Ronni i like your idea about the cleaning service, think that somethings we could look into for awhile.

[porter218]

I really think you need to see how things go when you live together. I personally feel like it is OK for a man to feel like that because I like to control everything around the house(If I put it away then I know where it is). But this is just my view, my best friend is having a serious discord in her M about this very same issue. She is more like you and feels everything in the house should be split down the middle (chore-wise) and her H does not agree at all. I have seen her have complete emotional breakdowns about this ever since they had a child together and got married. I feel really bad for her because I know that she cannot change how she feels about this, and her M is suffering. You need to make sure that you and your man come to some kind of compromise before you have a baby together. A baby will amplify how you feel about this...and yes I do know you already have a kid but this is different(you didn't live with your current man when he was a baby). It may seem like a small detail now..but just wait, you will see.

[trubella]

yeah i dont plan to have anymore kiddos until after M. living together will definitely make or break things i guess, i really want to see how this goes january. when i do come to his place he seems to be well kept, so i dont have to worry about a total slob of a person.

 

chores dont necessarily have to be split between us. im kindof like you where i do like to have some control over where things are and how things are kept in the house, i just wanna know that if i do ask for help he would help me if needed.