Almost 2 years & what did i learn?

[InaPanic]

It's been a very long time since i've been on here or posted. I spilled my guts on here back when i was so racked with guilt it was eating me alive. I got a lot of good advice on here but not all of it did i follow. mainly the NO CONTACT advice.

 

Truth be told, i still had feelings for him & i still wanted that contact even if it were on a just friends basis. I was addicted to him. He'd always IM or email & i would always be week & respond. I had all kinds of excuses in my head for wanting to keep the contact...all ridiculous. and i convinced myself i was over him & that i could have him as a friend. Of course all of this was behind my husbands back. But i made excuses for that as well since none of our conversations were ever in the romantic way & they were always just online. BUT....this contact was holding me back & i didn't even realize it. Because it was keeping him fresh in my head. It was making me still feel sneaky & guilty. It was keeping up the thought in my head that maybe one day we'd get together again. None of this was obvious to me until it stopped.

 

We had a very bad year, my family..and i dont' just mean the affair. We had a lot of personal tragedy & i had a lot of health issues. After my nearly dying i came to the conclusion that i had to straighten out my life & the contact had to end. I wasn't sure if this was karma or what that was causing all this bad in such a short period but he had to be blocked off my computer & out of my life. But guess what. Too late. when i was lying in the hospital & out of it, i had apparently asked my husband 'has anyone let------ (OM) know'. i, of course didn't know i said this but it gave him reason to go home & search the computer. He found all our old emails that had been saved on aol i guess. plus he found all the current emails. This was awful. Being the type of guy he is he gave me time to start healing which took over a month & then he confronted me. It was worse than when he found out about the affair, honestly. He said he felt like i had had another affair...even tho i pointed out over & over how none of the emails were romantic at all it didn't matter. the fact i had lied to him AGAIN nearly did him in. He felt he had been working on our marriage for almost a year & i hadn't. at the time i didn't agree with that but in retrospect i now do.

So i have had NO CONTACT (finally) for almost 9 months now. And my marriage is in better shape than it's been in a long time. Sexually it is now better than it has been since we first got married! It seems cutting this poison out of my life allowed me to see clearly & not be continually held to the past and keeping with all the sneaking & guilt & memories. He did email out of the blue..i'm sure wondering what happened to me because he cant' see when i'm online now. i didn't respond. i deleted it & i can't tell you how good it felt to do the right thing! i did not tell my husband about it. Mainly because i didn't respond and because things have been going so well for us i don't want to bring up any suspicion or paranoia again from him. That was months ago.

But i just can't express enough how much you need to cut the OM/OW out of your life to seriously move forward. I flet like i was moving but i was actually in limbo i think because of my ties & connections with my ex lover. And not until he was gone did i start feeling alive again & feeling things for my husband, like feeling sexual towards him again.

It's still hard. There are still days that i think about him & think about contacting him. Then i think about my husband & how good things are right now & it stops me every time. And my hope is that over time it will only get easier & easier & soon the memory of him will fade for both of us. It took me a year & a half to learn what i had to do but i did learn & that is hopefully what matters. Sorry this is so long, i tried to keep it short

[whichwayisup]

First off, I'm glad to hear your health is better, and I hope it stays that way.

 

You have a very loving and forgiving husband, and it's nice to read that you two stuck together and things are back on track.

 

Stay cool IAP!

[ThumbingMyWay]

WWIU beat me to it...

 

 

Ditto...gald to hear you finaly got out of the affair/OM fog. Life is so much different when you can actually SEE and fell it.

 

 

and I must say....you are a VERY lucky woman to have a husband that could endure that kinda of betrayal and stick with you and make things work. Congrates to both of you for making it to the otherside.

[Darth Vader]

You are very blessed.

 

You also LIED to us as well when you said that you stopped all contact with OM, don't think we're gonna just let that BULLCRAP slide! That tells us that we can't believe everything we hear on here!

[LoyalGirl]

You should tell your husband about that "out of the blue" email, even if you deleted it...

Just my opinion...

[LoyalGirl]

Also, you said how good it felt to delete it. It would also feel good to have open communication with your husband about it.

[merlin2]

Of course it takes TIME, and no contact.Easier said and done, but it's like a drug, and the 'feelings' fade after a long time.Such a shame most people can't ride out the withdrawal symptoms, and keep that contact going.You are in a much better position than the OW.Funny when you think of infidelity and all the dynamics.The one who starts the affair who is married seems to get off lightly.They have two people they have hurt, and all they seem to do is moan about missing the OM/OW.Its like they have become teenagers again and bask in that endorphin rush you get as a teenager with your first love.

YOU still have a partner to go home to, to help you lick your wounds(even though they know you betrayed them in the worst possible way).Glad to hear you finally appreciate your partner, its a start.You're very lucky he took you back-or do you see him as a walkover because he didn't cut you loose?

But at least you are proof that time really does 'heal'.

[u91746]

Thanks for sharing this with us...I have felt these things and can't agree with you more. I was very surprised at how powerful that fog can be. It's been over six months now and I'm just now starting to feel as you do here. Good post.

[twice_shy]

You have a very loving and forgiving husband, and it's nice to read that you two stuck together and things are back on track.

 

Yes, a VERY forgiving husband.

 

If you ever stray in the future, or even go back to contact with this other man, then just get a divorce. There are only so many times he should have to forgive you for this.

 

So hopefully you are going to take this chance he is giving you and not spit in his face with it. Most men wouldn't put up with it.

[InaPanic]

A 'fog' is a great way to put it. That's exactly what it was like but i really didn't believe (or didn't want to believe) the contact with him could be causing it. I just thought i was still depressed or still unhappy with my life. Not until I had some time behind me away from him did I realize just what a powerful grip he still had on me. I do think once more time has passed the memory of him will then just become a fog.

 

Darth...nothing personal...but the fact I lied on here & you aren't going to let the 'bullcrap' slide really doesn't bother me. The only person I feel I need to worry about forgiving me for that one would be my husband. I can't imagine I am the first person to come on here & not be completely honest about something they aren't proud of. Actually I was completely honest about everything except that & that was one of the reasons I quit posting on here. And I would say to myself..this is it, no more contact...but then 5 or 6 weeks would go by & i'd break down & respond. As so many have said on here also...when you do that it takes you back to square one & you have to start all over again.

 

My husband is a wonderful man & I have learned. That's all you can hope for after an affair. You can't take it back, you can't make it all go away. You can only hope, whether you stay in your marriage or not, that you learned something from it. I know without a doubt if anything happens again I will lose him. I thought I had lost him after he found out we were still in contact & it scared me more than I had ever been. I'm not going to risk that ever again because I am a very lucky person who was a dumbass & didn't realize how good she had it.

 

WhichwayisUp & ThumbingMyWay...good to see you all still here I recall getting lots of support from the two of you.

[theobserver]

Tell your husband about that out of the blue email you got. Informing him of any communication from the other man is a must. What would you do if the OM sends another email one day talking about the last email he sent last month and somehow your husband saw it thinking "oh no she's at it again and it looks like for over a month"

 

You do have it it good. I would of left your ass in hospital changed the locks and be done with you. Believe me most men would of left you. Just because he has forgiven you doesn't mean he's an amazing man he's just foolish and you lucked out.

 

If it wasn't for the fact you were ill when he found out I don't believe you would be married to this day.

[Darth Vader]

Darth...nothing personal...but the fact I lied on here & you aren't going to let the 'bullcrap' slide really doesn't bother me. The only person I feel I need to worry about forgiving me for that one would be my husband. I can't imagine I am the first person to come on here & not be completely honest about something they aren't proud of. Actually I was completely honest about everything except that & that was one of the reasons I quit posting on here. And I would say to myself..this is it, no more contact...but then 5 or 6 weeks would go by & i'd break down & respond. As so many have said on here also...when you do that it takes you back to square one & you have to start all over again.

 

The funny thing about that is, you're not the only one who has to start from day 1. Your husband has had to go through all the hell and betrayal again the second time, including the images.

 

Yes, you had better tell hubby about the last e-mail attempt, the one you deleted, the person who suggested it does have a point, things have a funny way of being found out. You really are blessed though, not many people would take crap like that the first time.

[InaPanic]

theobserver, it's easy for you to say you would have left my ass in the hospital & been done with me. You haven't been put in that situation. Lucky for me he wasn't able to just turn his feelings off for me & the fact he still loves me is what allowed him to stay. You can call him foolish all day long, it does't affect me or my perception of him. I don't see him as foolish. I see him as being the wiser & stronger of the two. Unlike me, he chose to put, first of all, his kids first. Because he is strong (not foolish) he has spared my kids the pain & suffering of a divorce. Also he chose to try to save our marriage a second time, he put our marriage first all the time which was something i didn't do. I have always said it is easier to run than to stay & fight. He stayed.

 

Yes, Darth, I am blessed And i KNOW he had to start from day one again & i think it was actually harder on him than it was the first time. But what i was referring to in that quote was the 'no contact'...that once you allow contact to be made again, then it's like going back to square one in trying to enforce no contact all over again.

 

I am still undecided about the email. things are going so well for us I hate to bring up the past & make it fresh with him again. The email was idle chitchat & there was no response from me at all. I honestly don't expect to get another one, i think it's over & he's moved on & so have I. I think he'll realize that i have by the fact I didn't respond & he'll let it drop. But idk, i will think about it & i may tell him about it.

[Owl]

The content of the email doesn't matter.

 

The fact that there was one is what matters.

 

Your H will view ANY hiding of contact (regardless of content) as an additional betrayal. You had/have an agreemant...NC. That agreemant was broken (by OM). Now...whether or not it was broken BY YOU is determined by whether you hide it or not. If you hide it from him, he's going to feel that you kept it from him because you wanted to allow the contact to continue...but if you TELL him about it, then the two of you can work TOGETHER to deal with the problem.

 

See the difference?

 

It doesn't matter what was in the email.

 

Hope that makes sense to you.

[InaPanic]

it actually does make sense Owl. I guess my thinking has always been on this point that I wasn't the one that tried to make contact & I didn't respond to the attempt made so why stir things up by telling him. but i do see your point.

[MiVatoPorVida]

You should tell your husband about that "out of the blue" email, even if you deleted it...

Just my opinion. Also, you said how good it felt to delete it. It would also feel good to have open communication with your husband about it. ..

 

I agree with LoyalGirl.... besides the open communication... that will give you a Brownie Point for for regaining your trust back and make him feel so good.

[InaPanic]

Hi 2long. Good to hear from you again I hope you & your wife are able to work things out & maybe some people are able to go forward while still having contact with the OM occasionally. I really thought i could, since honestly, none of the contact we had was romantic in anyway. But if I'm being honest I have to admit that there was a part of me that perhaps hoped he might try to sweet talk me again. I would not have admitted that to myself at the time. It's amazing how much it was holding me back tho & i wonder if it is with your wife whether she realizes it or not.

 

If I tell my husband about the email now, 2 to 3 months later, how do I explain why it's 2 to 3 months later? I guess just tell him the truth that I didn't want to upset him by bringing it up since I felt there was no harm done.

[norajane]

My husband is a wonderful man & I have learned. That's all you can hope for after an affair. You can't take it back, you can't make it all go away. You can only hope, whether you stay in your marriage or not, that you learned something from it. I know without a doubt if anything happens again I will lose him. I thought I had lost him after he found out we were still in contact & it scared me more than I had ever been. I'm not going to risk that ever again because I am a very lucky person who was a dumbass & didn't realize how good she had it.

 

Is there anything we could have said to you that would have made you understand how important it was to cut off contact with OM? I'm sure we tried to explain it, but could we have said anything to really help you understand?

 

And, is there anything your husband could have done differently when he first found out about the affair that would have made you cut off contact with OM? For example, you said that you were scared you would lose your husband after he found out you were still in contact, and that made you re-evaluate. If, instead of being so forgiving and so willing to work on the marriage when he first found out about the affair, if he had given you reason to be afraid you'd lose him THEN, would you have ended the contact the first time? Or were you so sick of being married and so into the OM that you would have allowed your H to walk away at that time?

[InaPanic]

Thats some good questions Norajane.

 

As far as the NC a lot of you DID talk about how important that it was. I mean, it was brought up by far above anything else. Which is one reason I was ashamed to let anyone here know I was still talking to him on occasion. I do want to point out that it wasn't like we talked everyday but it was once every 4 to 6 weeks or so. Not that it matters but I just don't want you thinking it was all the time. But I think, like so many other stinky life lessons, this was one that I had to learn the hard way. Boy did I ever. I wish there was some magic words that someone could have said that would have made it all click & register. And that is one reason why I did come back on here with this post because if I can help someone else to understand then that would be a good thing.

 

I think part of the problem when I first told my husband about the affair was that I was very much NOT over the OM. And that made it hard for me to concentrate on my husband & I. I think that's probably pretty common for most in an affair but I have to say I was seriously obsessed with this guy which gags me to think about now but I was. So for awhile, honestly, I don't think I cared whether it ended or not because that's what a fog I was in. I do wonder, had he said I'm leaving, what would have happened. It's possible it could have snapped me out of it. It's also possible it could have made my obsession with OM worse.

 

I can't really say I'm glad things happened as they did because obviously the ideal thing would have been for me to have never made the stupid decisions I did that led up to the affair. But I am glad that due to the way my husband handled things, my kids, so far, have been spared seeing their parents fight, hate each other & seperate. Had he handled it differently it would not have spared them. So thanks to him they are ok.

[Owl]

Inapanic, I read your thoughts on counseling/therapy on another thread, but figured I'd discuss here in your thread, instead of TJ'ing the other. Hope you don't mind.

 

Question...when you went to therapy, what did you DO while you were there?

 

I ask, because I can understand why a lack of belief in 'psycho-babble' is well warranted. However, there is still other value in counseling, depending on the situation and participants.

 

My wife and I didn't have a "psychobabbler' for our mc...thank god. Instead, what he did was to create a 'safe haven' where we could both talk to each other about any kind of painful subject, and he could keep things "safe" by helping us both to talk AND listen without going ballistic when we didn't agree with what was being said.

 

We developed better communications skills more than anything else.

 

That was probably the number one thing that let us reconcile...that we were able to talk and listen...we had a place we could go to and have someone help who wasn't judging either of us.

 

No pscyho babble involved.

 

Make sense?

 

Would something like THAT have helped your H and you with the situation you're in now?

[InaPanic]

Yes, I think someone like that could have helped better. Our lady reminded me of some New Age malarcky that I have always had a hard time believing. It is hard when you go to counseling & you have the wrong frame of mind. We both did therefore i dont' think she stood a chance at helping either of us. My final straw was by the 3rd or 4th visit she had pinned all of my problems on my father....i mean, how? in such a short amount of time talking to me can someone figure out that is the reason I had an affair. And she wanted me to 'talk' to my dead father as if he were sitting in the empty chair. Sorry,I just couldn't do it and at that point I was done. I also didnt' agree with her decision it was my dads fault who was a cheat without a doubt. I know because my mom told me this constantly. I knew what the term womanizer meant by the age of probably 5 or 6. But my mom had a long term affair with a married man thruout my school years that all of us children knew completely about. So the fact she pinned it on my dad so quickly just made me think she's not even listening to me. So idk.

 

When I was there I talked to her very honestly. When I was alone with her I let her know I was still in contact with OM. I kept nothing from her at all.

 

I did say I think therapy CAN help some people. I am not the type of person to EVER say my way is right & your way is wrong. Period. No way. But i do believe that it is possible to move past tramatic life events without the absolute need of a therapist.

 

I actually do feel like my husband & i both are communicating so much better with each other now emotionally & sexually which was something I could never do before, sexually in particular. And I think that comes from being forced to talk about something that was so humiliating, embarressing & uncomfortable so often that now anything else is a pleasure to discuss.

[Owl]

That all makes sense...and I would have had the same response you had with your original counselor.

 

You almost NEVER get the right one on the first try. Its like buying a really really expensive pair of shoes...gotta keep looking for the ones that REALLY fit.