I don't know anymore

[dylanatalanta]

Dylan,

 

In one of your comments here you said you feel extreme guilt that you wrecked another womans life.

 

I don't think you did. I think married people have a responsibility to each other to see the marriage stays healthy. They both dropped the ball here.

 

He feel in love with you, because you are loveable and a good person. i believe he really wanted to leave her or he wouldn't have.

 

But they have a huge mess to clean up, however they chose to do that.

 

I hope you are more like myself and feel thankful that you at least only have your own emotions and thoughts and feelings to cope with. Imagine how it is to be on the married side of this equasion. Facing each other day to day. The tension and all those years of the good the bad and the oh so ugly to sort through and make sense of, even if it ends in divorce.

 

When a person is the OW/OM... We are adults and we know the risk we take with our hearts going in. I know I did, I took the risk anyway. Stats show it seldom goes in the favor of the OP. Somehow, it doesn's seem to stop us though. We've risked our hearts anyway. The MP risk the world blowing up in their faces and the loss of their spouse, the OP or even both.

 

Most people don't like being alone, especially during life changing events be it good or bad ones. Often times people have someone else in their life when they get a divorce or before they break up with someone. If not shortly thereafter they do. So don't beat yourself up about being there for him when you were. Don't feel guilty that you love him. I am sure he has good things about him or you wouldn't have fallen for him at all.

 

However, right now. I do think you need time alone, to heal your heart and your mind. July 1st was not so long ago. It's not even realistic to think your feelings are like a switch you can turn on and off. People don't really work like that.

 

Right now I am looking at why I would risk my heart in an affair, what made me want to do that when I had live some 45 some odd years and never had been willing to do that before?

 

He gave you hope of a future, you were not settling for crumbs here. Not from what I see. He knew you for 9 months? Felt he loved you enough to want a life with you. A better life than he had for 26 years with her. My point is you bring a lot of good qualities. It's easy to forget those things when you are beating yourself up. So I'm trying to remind you not to forget that about yourself.

 

This distance will give your perspective some much needed clarity about your own needs. That is never a bad thing.

 

If you do end up being with him, it is much healthier for all of you especially kids if the drama is not played out under your roof, but under their own.

 

Take Care of Yourself and I wish you all the best.

 

A big, big thank you to you

[Tomcat33]

Hi

 

I would think the same as you if I didn't know & just read that, he always refers to me as his right arm & honestly that is all he means.

 

 

I believe him, I think he is being honest in what he tells you, I do trust these men actually feel what they say they do. There is love involved here so no reason to not trust his words on what he feels.

 

I always trusted what mine told me in terms of what he felt for me, I know what he felt just by looking into his eyes, no lies there.

The lies are usually about how they are handling things, what is really going on in terms of their progress and what they are actually telling their W's in terms of wanting out of the marriage etc. THAT is where all the lying happens.

 

You know best what you feel when you look at this man in the eyes, but you also have his actions to prove that despite feeling all this he still doesn't have the clarity to show you 100% that he loves you and only you.

[whichwayisup]

But he won't leave his wife of 26 years...This is the bottomline. You may be his right hand, but his wife is his blood, his organs, heart, lungs...

 

You deserve better and more, unfortunately you won't get it from him. He is choosing to keep as the OW and if you're OK being second fiddle, then stay. But, I know you want more - Only way to do that is to say goodbye to him for good this time and heal yourself. Get counselling, talk to friends and family, have support - Then one day when the time right, a guy will walk into your life and take your breath away. Someone who is single, can offer you everything and ALL of him, not just bits and pieces.

[Tomcat33]

And by the way I don't adhere to this idea that you wrecked a marriage either, since the only people that have the power to that are the two people IN the marriage. But if this is what you feel, who am I to tell you what you should or should not feel.

[noforgiveness]

Why is that email hard to ignore? He actually said goodbye. He basically wished you happiness and told you to drop him a note occasionally telling him how you are doing. He said ok see ya to your break up. Take it for what it is. miss him but get on with your life. Don't lower yourself to contact him after that email. that was not one that needs a response.

[GreenEyedLady]

He says as he has done a hundred times before that he can't live without me.

 

For the last 9 months I have felt ashamed of myself for what I am doing to another woman, but I'm into deep I love him & can't walk away.

 

If he can't live without you, he will do what he needs to do.

 

But if you really love him and want him for keeps, then you have to put your foot down now.

 

You've allowed him to come back to you again, and again, after he has so blatantly chose his W over you. Sorry that's unacceptable to me and it should be to you. You are not a doormat.

 

You need to choose your happiness. And you're not happy. How can you be happy with his W texting you and calling you and then changing his mind and involving her kids?

 

If he does leave, let me tell you, she's going to be a pain. She sounds like one of the BS's I know that makes it very difficult for her STBXH and his GF. So if she's like that now, she'll be like that in the future too.

 

You need to make clear expectations for your R and then follow through.

 

He'll never leave as long as you continue to let him have his cake and eat it too. Less drama that way. Especially with this W.

 

Be strong. What will be, will be. Do what you need to do. He will respect you for it.

 

GEL

[dylanatalanta]

Why is that email hard to ignore? He actually said goodbye. He basically wished you happiness and told you to drop him a note occasionally telling him how you are doing. He said ok see ya to your break up. Take it for what it is. miss him but get on with your life. Don't lower yourself to contact him after that email. that was not one that needs a response.

 

I would totally agree but then 10 mins later he e-mails & tells me I didn't own his right arm, I am his right arm, since that he has e-mailed a further 2 times!!!!! So if it's over & knowing full well how I feel about him..................why keep e-mailing???? That's what I can't understand. If HE wants it over then why not let it go?

[noforgiveness]

I would totally agree but then 10 mins later he e-mails & tells me I didn't own his right arm, I am his right arm, since that he has e-mailed a further 2 times!!!!! So if it's over & knowing full well how I feel about him..................why keep e-mailing???? That's what I can't understand. If HE wants it over then why not let it go?

 

 

because he knows he can be sweet and charming and make you feel sympathy for him and lure you back in. Ignore ignore ignore.

[dylanatalanta]

& now another e-mail 'my arm is severed but never forgotten' that would make e-mail No41 today from the man that wants to end it!!!

[noforgiveness]

& now another e-mail 'my arm is severed but never forgotten' that would make e-mail No41 today from the man that wants to end it!!!

 

block him.

[dylanatalanta]

because he knows he can be sweet and charming and make you feel sympathy for him and lure you back in. Ignore ignore ignore.

 

Have to say you girls do put a smile on my face...............thank you:)

[dylanatalanta]

block him.

 

I can't it's a works e-mail

[Owl]

Reply back and tell him that this is a work only email account, and any further personal emails will be forwarded on to HR.

[Tomcat33]

Dylan

 

you will get 500 emails from this man contradicting what he wants, he is staying in his marriage but wants to continue with you.

Be prepared for a lot more emails from him. It won't stop today or even in two months, they tend to go away and reappear.

 

But they want to know they still have you hooked it's up to you what message you want to give him.

 

I don't agree with blocking him, you are not going to rearrange your entire life to build a fort against this man :laugh: I do think you need to assert your own power to keep him away when you are ready to do that.

[dylanatalanta]

Dylan

 

you will get 500 emails from this man contradicting what he wants, he is staying in his marriage but wants to continue with you.

Be prepared for a lot more emails from him. It won't stop today or even in two months, they tend to go away and reappear.

 

But they want to know they still have you hooked it's up to you what message you want to give him.

 

I don't agree with blocking him, you are not going to rearrange your entire life to build a fort against this man :laugh: I do think you need to assert your own power to keep him away when you are ready to do that.

 

Ok well I'm trying............it's hard!! I really want to talk to him but at the same time feel very angry!!

[wildsoul]

I always trusted what mine told me in terms of what he felt for me, I know what he felt just by looking into his eyes, no lies there.

The lies are usually about how they are handling things, what is really going on in terms of their progress and what they are actually telling their W's in terms of wanting out of the marriage etc. THAT is where all the lying happens.

Yes, yes, yes. I know that the sincerity of his feelings have been a huge motivator for me to stick around. It feels good to have that kind of deep emotional connection. But I totally agree, where I think he's been lying is in not really stepping up and telling the wife he is thinking of divorcing.

 

He tells me how he wants to spend his life with me and makes all these plans and future talk--constantly.

 

My hunch is he's not telling her much of anything at all. He's in a holding pattern, waiting for the "green light" to happen. She seems to be in denial, but he also is more comfortable with her that way.

 

TC: Thanks for sharing your story. What happened after the year of NC. Did you ever get back with him, or were you over him at that point.

 

DA: You mention how he talked about your future home and so forth. I just want to say I understand how seductive that is. I'm a stressed out single woman (neither MM or I have kids) but I'm finding it really hard to make it on my own. I want and need a life partner. My MM knew how to read my secret wish list outloud to me, telling me everything I wanted to hear. It really hooked me. My vulnerablity is greater than usual because I'm struggling so hard as a single woman. No real answers for you, but I know for me that I need to focus on that weak spot.

[Tomcat33]

Ok well I'm trying............it's hard!! I really want to talk to him but at the same time feel very angry!!

 

 

I know it is VERY hard!!!

 

Good good anger is good. Keep on that track you should feel angry, look at this guy he tells you he loves you wants to split up and then when you proceed to do as he asks he continues to contact you to reel you in again? How selfish is that?

 

If you keep quite he will go away, no response is a loud and clear message, response is "I still have you hooked" But he might start again in a few days etc.

[dylanatalanta]

Yes, yes, yes. I know that the sincerity of his feelings have been a huge motivator for me to stick around. It feels good to have that kind of deep emotional connection. But I totally agree, where I think he's been lying is in not really stepping up and telling the wife he is thinking of divorcing.

 

He tells me how he wants to spend his life with me and makes all these plans and future talk--constantly.

 

My hunch is he's not telling her much of anything at all. He's in a holding pattern, waiting for the "green light" to happen. She seems to be in denial, but he also is more comfortable with her that way.

 

TC: Thanks for sharing your story. What happened after the year of NC. Did you ever get back with him, or were you over him at that point.

 

DA: You mention how he talked about your future home and so forth. I just want to say I understand how seductive that is. I'm a stressed out single woman (neither MM or I have kids) but I'm finding it really hard to make it on my own. I want and need a life partner. My MM knew how to read my secret wish list outloud to me, telling me everything I wanted to hear. It really hooked me. My vulnerablity is greater than usual because I'm struggling so hard as a single woman. No real answers for you, but I know for me that I need to focus on that weak spot.

 

Very seductive!! He even asked me that when we get married would my daughter take his name, that's why I believed it so much, because I cannot believe that somebody would be that cruel & I do believe he meant it but didn't have the guts to go through with it. He has always been insecure about the age gap & sometimes I wonder if his W, home, job (that was threatened over our A) etc is his comfort zone & I'm the unknown. Why are you struggling as a single woman? I think I'm with you on that one, I was ok until I met him, that's part of the reason why I'm angry, cuz he has turned it all upside down for nothing!!!!

[Tomcat33]

TC: Thanks for sharing your story. What happened after the year of NC. Did you ever get back with him, or were you over him at that point.

 

 

You're welcome. He came back into my life end of last year. We have been "friends" since Feb when he moved out at first I wouldn't see him and then we would see each other off and on, while he was finalizing his deal with his D. At the same time I was happy he came back to me and had gone through with what he promised, but after seeing him again and starting to relate to him again and talking brought back a lot of pain, a lot of reminders of how hard things were between us all the back and forth all the lies. Being able to talk to him and to have him open up to me about everything that had happened about why things happened as they did seemed to give me closure.

 

I offered him friendship this time around since I was terrified of being hurt and let down by him again and that was not good enough for him at some point, he started pressuring me for more and I had to take a step back. Right now he is out of the country on business and after giving it some real indepth thought I decided I can't get over all the hurt he put me through. He will be back here in a month or so and we will reconveine then to see what's what, but I am 99% sure I will walk away. I am dating and he does not know this nor is it his business and I feel like want to move on with my life I am thinking clearly of what I want for ME and I can think with my head again.

[dylanatalanta]

You're welcome. He came back into my life end of last year. We have been "friends" since Feb when he moved out at first I wouldn't see him and then we would see each other off and on, while he was finalizing his deal with his D. At the same time I was happy he came back to me and had gone through with what he promised, but after seeing him again and starting to relate to him again and talking brought back a lot of pain, a lot of reminders of how hard things were between us all the back and forth all the lies. Being able to talk to him and to have him open up to me about everything that had happened about why things happened as they did seemed to give me closure.

 

I offered him friendship this time around since I was terrified of being hurt and let down by him again and that was not good enough for him at some point, he started pressuring me for more and I had to take a step back. Right now he is out of the country on business and after giving it some real indepth thought I decided I can't get over all the hurt he put me through. He will be back here in a month or so and we will reconveine then to see what's what, but I am 99% sure I will walk away. I am dating and he does not know this nor is it his business and I feel like want to move on with my life I am thinking clearly of what I want for ME and I can think with my head again.

 

I want to be where you are!!! Good luck with the dating;)

[Tomcat33]

I want to be where you are!!! Good luck with the dating;)

 

 

It takes time it takes a lot of time a lot of interspection and conviction of why you are doing what you are doing, it takes seeing with your eyes not your heart. It's a road you have to travel Dylan .It also takes clarity but anyone can be here. You know your situation best, you can ask for all the advice in the world and get the best advice in the world but only you know your reality and what is BEST for you.

And this goes for anyone in the shoes of the OP.

 

I know what's best for me given what I have experienced I have the clarity now I did not have a 1.5yr ago but I have also taken a VERY active role in convicing myself it will never work with him, and PRESTO! it won't.

I am happy with my choice, it feels right to me and quite frankly I gave a RATZ what people think I made the choices for me. When people told me to stay away from him when he came back to my life I didn't, that didn't feel right to me so I went with I needed to do.

 

I am dating one guy I am excited about, we really clicked so we'll see. My heart feels finally open to falling in love again. And dating is finally good for my ego again I tried dating a year ago after I broke up and it was TORTURE I would compare and it would depress me even more. Now it is all the contrary. And lately I've had more offers than I know what to do with, Tomcat's got her mojo back that's for for sure.

 

In all honesty I think I new my ex would come back to me then so I was still even though not in actions holding on in heart. Now I've let go in heart so I can see again.

 

 

You will be there Dylan, make a path for yourself and follow it, and you WILL be there.

[SnowWhite924]

Wow! TomCat! Way to Go! You've endured a lot and now you are taking your own advice. You are a very wise woman. Have fun dating!!

[Tomcat33]

Woops "introspection"

[whichwayisup]

I would totally agree but then 10 mins later he e-mails & tells me I didn't own his right arm, I am his right arm, since that he has e-mailed a further 2 times!!!!! So if it's over & knowing full well how I feel about him..................why keep e-mailing???? That's what I can't understand. If HE wants it over then why not let it go?

 

OK, since it's a work email and you can't block him, then don't read ANY of his emails, just delete them right away.

 

He wants it over, but he wants to keep you interested, hense the cat and mouse game..He knows he's going to get reaction from you - Which means you feed his ego. Just stop. Take control back and stop reacting. Silence is the key.

[Tomcat33]

Wow! TomCat! Way to Go! You've endured a lot and now you are taking your own advice. You are a very wise woman. Have fun dating!!

 

 

Thanks ;)As I mentioned before I share what has worked for me, and would never say or think or any of that. I am a firm believer each person has to live their journey as they see fit and they have to do it THEIR way. I support that 100% and you will never see me fall back on my word here or otherwise. I support people's will to choose and I give people credit for their own powers to know what is best for them. Everyone has that power.