bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 How could you believe a man who is telling you that WHILE he is still married? HE was inappropriate by making promises to you while still married. HE is lying and has been lying to his wife so did it occur to you that maybe he'd lie abit to you as well? I just hope you're able to let go and heal. They both were inappropriate to involve a child and he wasn't divorced. Children get there hopes up and they trust so easily. So if you are hurt can you imagine what the two of you put your child through? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 They both were inappropriate to involve a child and he wasn't divorced. Children get there hopes up and they trust so easily. So if you are hurt can you imagine what the two of you put your child through? My daughter is 6, I was seeing him for 5 months before I let him meet her (only the once) & have never told her that he may be coming into our life, I may have been stupid in a lot of this but not that stupid, it hurt that he promised a future for her not because she knew about those things, but because I did. A week or so before he left on the 1st of July he asked how I thought my daughter would take to his being with us & I told him I would not discuss her with him until he was with me, that was one lesson I did learn from his previous let downs!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Well he should have thought about that before he made her all those promises and lied to her and made her think there was a future when there wasn't. He owes Dylan he owes her what a single man would owe her if he were making those very same promises to her. This is no different. What he has with his W is for him to figure out but what he needs to be held accountable for is the lies and misleading he did to Dylan. You would not let a single guy off and say "oh well he changed his mind so what if he lies and made promises" so why let this guy off with "oh he is in no state to make these promises" Boo-hoo! HE DID do those things and he needs to face up to that. Why is it that the OP is always advised here basically "bow your head and walk away in shame and that's that and don't expect anything because he is taken" TOUGH if he is already taken he was big enough to sleep with another woman to make love to her to plan a friggin future with her he needs to be big enough to face up to the consecuences of his actions then! NO the OP should not bow their head and just accept it. I don't agree with that! NO WAY this is totally not what I believe! yes, he made her promises... but every MM/MW having an affair will do what they need to do/say what they need to say to get what they want from their OW/OM. it is then up to the OW/OM to determine what they believe. what it basically boils down to is - they lie, lie, lie! if the OW/OM chooses to believe these lies while they know the MM/MW are married - then that is a risk that they take knowing the MM/MW is married to someone else. OP - keep up the good hard work. he will only continue to lie and hurt you if you go back for more. is that what you want for yourself and your daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Well he should have thought about that before he made her all those promises and lied to her and made her think there was a future when there wasn't. And she also should have realized this is crazy! This man is making me all sorts of promises WHILE he's still married. Yes, HE is in the wrong, but she knew from day one he was married. She knew he was capable of lying seeing as he was still married and going home to his wife. He owes Dylan he owes her what a single man would owe her if he were making those very same promises to her. This is no different. What he has with his W is for him to figure out but what he needs to be held accountable for is the lies and misleading he did to Dylan. You would not let a single guy off and say "oh well he changed his mind so what if he lies and made promises" so why let this guy off with "oh he is in no state to make these promises" Boo-hoo! HE is accountable for his actions and choices yes! But, so is she. I'm not going to argue with you, TC :cool:.. HE DID do those things and he needs to face up to that. 100% agreed! Though, she also needs to evulate her part in it and not put it ALL on him. She went in knowingly, even AFTER D-Day, this has continued. Why is it that the OP is always advised here basically "bow your head and walk away in shame and that's that and don't expect anything because he is taken" TOUGH if he is already taken he was big enough to sleep with another woman to make love to her to plan a friggin future with her he needs to be big enough to face up to the consecuences of his actions then! NO the OP should not bow their head and just accept it. I don't agree with that! NO WAY I am not saying she should do that, I am saying that this man HAS chosen to stay married and NOT leave his wife. His actions have shown this. If she wants to BE the OW, then she can continue on her affair. My train of thought though is, she doesn't want to just be the OW, she wants more. IF she wants more, she needs to end it and allow him to figure out what he wants without her in his life. Or, she can end it and heal herself so one day when she is ready, she can find love again with someone who can give ALL of himself to her, not just bits and pieces, broken promises. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Well he should have thought about that before he made her all those promises and lied to her and made her think there was a future when there wasn't. He owes Dylan he owes her what a single man would owe her if he were making those very same promises to her. This is no different. What he has with his W is for him to figure out but what he needs to be held accountable for is the lies and misleading he did to Dylan. You would not let a single guy off and say "oh well he changed his mind so what if he lies and made promises" so why let this guy off with "oh he is in no state to make these promises" Boo-hoo! HE DID do those things and he needs to face up to that. Why is it that the OP is always advised here basically "bow your head and walk away in shame and that's that and don't expect anything because he is taken" TOUGH if he is already taken he was big enough to sleep with another woman to make love to her to plan a friggin future with her he needs to be big enough to face up to the consecuences of his actions then! NO the OP should not bow their head and just accept it. I don't agree with that! NO WAY And she should have thought about this situation also. Especially involving her child. And no one wants her to walk away with her head in shame. She should walk away with diginity and self respect. It is agreed that he deserves to have gonands caught in a vice grip until he craps pretty pretzels, but it isn't up to her to make him accoutble, because then someone will want to hold her accoutable for the pain she helped inflict on his family and her child. God as the accountability under control for all of us. And I honestly don't know anyone who forces a single man to marry anyone if he changes his mind. I have never heard of such a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 And she should have thought about this situation also. Especially involving her child. And no one wants her to walk away with her head in shame. She should walk away with diginity and self respect. It is agreed that he deserves to have gonands caught in a vice grip until he craps pretty pretzels, but it isn't up to her to make him accoutble, because then someone will want to hold her accoutable for the pain she helped inflict on his family and her child. God as the accountability under control for all of us. And I honestly don't know anyone who forces a single man to marry anyone if he changes his mind. I have never heard of such a thing. Ah, Bent, always the picture of propriety! Thanks for making me laugh even though the post was meant to be serious. You always do that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry but I have to clear up this question of involving my daughter, she at no pint has ever been involved, the one time he did meet her I wasn't sure. I have 3 brothers & 2 sisters of which both have boyfriends & a lot of friends with partners, so my daugter is used to having men around, she would not have thought anything of it Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 3 hours later he rang me from an un-known number & told me they had talked & that he loved her & that we were over. Again a week later he has e-mailed me & we have met several times, he has told me he can't commit, stupidly part of me is hanging on just in case, maybe next time he'll stay!!! He says as he has done a hundred times before that he can't live without me. For the last 9 months I have felt ashamed of myself for what I am doing to another woman, but I'm into deep I love him & can't walk away. Read this afew times and ask yourself what you want to do. Make a decision and stick to it. Fact that you keep taking him back, gives him alot of power over you. He isn't being malcious, he's being selfish! Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 And she also should have realized this is crazy! This man is making me all sorts of promises WHILE he's still married. Yes, HE is in the wrong, but she knew from day one he was married. She knew he was capable of lying seeing as he was still married and going home to his wife. Of course and she is paying the consecuences of her own actions. But why does that mean she should bow her head and walk away like "oh well he lied because he is married and he doesn't owe me anything because I was only with him a year unlike his W of 26yrs" He owes her just as much as any man would owe a woman he has lied to for a year. It is up to the OP to figure how they want that handled. But to say he owes her NOTHING that is not for people to decide, he owes her what any human being owes another when they promise something and don't deliver. I don't care how many years they are together. It bothers me how people are so quick to talk a person out of what they feel is owed to them. If she feels she was wronged by him and made false promises to, and lead on then she has every right to feel that because this is EXACTLY what happend regardless of her knowing he was married. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I'm not sure I understand...what...SPECIFICALLy, does he owe her? He's clearly communicated his intent and goals... He's not leaving his marriage. She's still willing to be his OW even in light of that fact. What does he owe at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Read this afew times and ask yourself what you want to do. Make a decision and stick to it. Fact that you keep taking him back, gives him alot of power over you. He isn't being malcious, he's being selfish! I want the life that he promised me, I want to know why he has done this to me, I want to know why every day he talked about what we would do on w/ends, I want to know why he sent me a list of things to do for the 1st of July one of them being to buy wellies cuz we would go to the beach on Saturday afternoons, I want to know why he would phone me at work to go on the internet & look at properties he had seen for us, I want to know why he said he couldn't wait to see the look on my friends & parents faces when he showed up on my door, I want to know why he said he'd look after me & make me happy, I want to know why he said he'd marry me, I want to know why he told me would book a room in posh hotel on our first year together, I want to know all these things & a million more promises he made me Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Of course and she is paying the consecuences of her own actions. But why does that mean she should bow her head and walk away like "oh well he lied because he is married and he doesn't owe me anything because I was only with him a year unlike his W of 26yrs" He owes her just as much as any man would owe a woman he has lied to for a year. It is up to the OP to figure how they want that handled. I'm not saying that she should bow her head and walk away like that. I AM saying she SHOULD walk away knowing that SHE doesn't want to BE the OW and she deserves more. Enough of the pain already! Sorry TC but one year does NOT compare to 26 years! He does owe her a goodbye though. I give you that. But to say he owes her NOTHING that is not for people to decide, he owes her what any human being owes another when they promise something and don't deliver. I don't care how many years they are together. It bothers me how people are so quick to talk a person out of what they feel is owed to them. If she feels she was wronged by him and made false promises to, and lead on then she has every right to feel that because this is EXACTLY what happend regardless of her knowing he was married. Again, this falls on her, she chose to believe him while he was still very married. Even after D-Day and she knew after he told her he wasn't leaving his wife. Part of being the OW is dealing with what goes along with it, as painful as it is, it just IS. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I want to know why he has done this to me, I want to know why every day he talked about what we would do on w/ends, I want to know why he sent me a list of things to do for the 1st of July one of them being to buy wellies cuz we would go to the beach on Saturday afternoons, I want to know why he would phone me at work to go on the internet & look at properties he had seen for us, I want to know why he said he couldn't wait to see the look on my friends & parents faces when he showed up on my door, I want to know why he said he'd look after me & make me happy, I want to know why he said he'd marry me, I want to know why he told me would book a room in posh hotel on our first year together, I want to know all these things & a million more promises he made me YOU deserve to know ALL of that, you ABSOLUTELY DO Dylan and don't let ANYONE tell you otherwise. In terms of getting that, you might get it or you might not, you will figure that out in time. Or you might have to find your own closure in terms of all the why's but you have EVERY right to want all that and he DOES owe you that. It's the least he owes you for what you had with him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I want the life that he promised me, I want to know why he has done this to me, I want to know why every day he talked about what we would do on w/ends, I want to know why he sent me a list of things to do for the 1st of July one of them being to buy wellies cuz we would go to the beach on Saturday afternoons, I want to know why he would phone me at work to go on the internet & look at properties he had seen for us, I want to know why he said he couldn't wait to see the look on my friends & parents faces when he showed up on my door, I want to know why he said he'd look after me & make me happy, I want to know why he said he'd marry me, I want to know why he told me would book a room in posh hotel on our first year together, I want to know all these things & a million more promises he made me Because he wasn't thinking long term, he was thinking in the moment. And in those moments, he meant it - But, once home and reality set in, ALL that changed. Yes, he shouldn't have made promises to you while married, and yes it was so wrong of him but unfortunately you chose to believe a MM. He is selfish and putting himself first. He isn't seeing or doesn't care about hurting people, hense his wife and you! Can you see that? It is ALL about him! He made those promises and he was wrong to. Bottomline now is, you need to decide what you're going to settle for, make a decision and stick to it. Please remember that YOU come first and don't let him manipulate you and IF he makes ANYMORE promises to you, tell him to stop until he can show you inactions that he can back it up - Meaning, talking to his wife and getting a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry TC but one year does NOT compare to 26 years! He does owe her a goodbye though. I give you that. . NO one else but you is making the comparisson, there is NO comparisson as far as I am concerend and in fact it's irrelevant really. They are two distinctly different and seperate situtions. That does not take away from the fact Dylan is owed what she is owed form this man for what SHE lived with him. End of story really. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Because he wasn't thinking long term, he was thinking in the moment. And in those moments, he meant it - But, once home and reality set in, ALL that changed. Yes, he shouldn't have made promises to you while married, and yes it was so wrong of him but unfortunately you chose to believe a MM. He is selfish and putting himself first. He isn't seeing or doesn't care about hurting people, hense his wife and you! Can you see that? It is ALL about him! Sorry WWIU and I agree looking from the ourside in it would appear that way and while those are great guesses and while we can all have a go at the why's just as Dylan can, the only one who can really answer that is her MM no one can answer that but him. I know for example after talking to my ex and hearing out the reasons he did what he did a lot of it was not as it seemed from the outside it was a lot more complex than what met the eyes, I found out more things I did not see while I was with him and I could look at the situation with different eyes once removed. It is between me and him to see why things happened as they did. So really each person knows the truths to their own situation. It's easy to speculate but we don't have all the answers, the person that holds the key to the truth does. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry but I have to clear up this question of involving my daughter, she at no pint has ever been involved, the one time he did meet her I wasn't sure. I have 3 brothers & 2 sisters of which both have boyfriends & a lot of friends with partners, so my daugter is used to having men around, she would not have thought anything of it Then I apologize for making the wrong assumption. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Ah, Bent, always the picture of propriety! Thanks for making me laugh even though the post was meant to be serious. You always do that to me. Sorry the southern girl thing becomes really apparent some times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Then I apologize for making the wrong assumption. Thank you it's easy to assume things when you're just reading little bits of someones story:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry the southern girl thing becomes really apparent some times. Have to say, being part of this debate tonight I've done alot of crying, but that did make me laugh:) Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Of course and she is paying the consecuences of her own actions. But why does that mean she should bow her head and walk away like "oh well he lied because he is married and he doesn't owe me anything because I was only with him a year unlike his W of 26yrs" He owes her just as much as any man would owe a woman he has lied to for a year. It is up to the OP to figure how they want that handled. But to say he owes her NOTHING that is not for people to decide, he owes her what any human being owes another when they promise something and don't deliver. I don't care how many years they are together. It bothers me how people are so quick to talk a person out of what they feel is owed to them. If she feels she was wronged by him and made false promises to, and lead on then she has every right to feel that because this is EXACTLY what happend regardless of her knowing he was married. I imagine that is what his wife believes too. He didn't deliver fidelity to her even though he promised it in front of witnesses and God. So if he lied to his wife and isn't being held accountable, why shouldn't the liar lie to the ow and not be held accountable. but as I have said before, he will get his. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Have to say, being part of this debate tonight I've done alot of crying, but that did make me laugh:) I am glad I could oblige. I used to imagine Mr. Messy going to the emergency room with his hands super glued to his to his @ss and his weee willie winky glued to his left upper, upper thigh. It made me laugh every time I thought about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I imagine that is what his wife believes too. He didn't deliver fidelity to her even though he promised it in front of witnesses and God. So if he lied to his wife and isn't being held accountable, why shouldn't the liar lie to the ow and not be held accountable. but as I have said before, he will get his. That's for him and his W to sort out. I am posting on Dylan's situation, not his W and his'. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 That's for him and his W to sort out. I am posting on Dylan's situation, not his W and his'. My point TC is he is a bonafide liar. And you can't expect the truth from a liar. She nor his wife can hold him accountable for being a liar, only he and God can do that. He can't be made to uphold some promise made to get into her life, nor more than his wife can. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 My point TC is he is a bonafide liar. And you can't expect the truth from a liar. She nor his wife can hold him accountable for being a liar, only he and God can do that. He can't be made to uphold some promise made to get into her life, nor more than his wife can. Ok fine and my point is in my books I hold accountable people who do me wrong so I can understand others having that exact same need. And wrong, she can do something to make him take accontability, she can put her foot down and acknowledge what he is doing and show him she will NOT stand for that. Or she can burry her head in the sand much like his W is doing and continue to entertain his ways. It all depends on the message she wishes to convey. Link to post Share on other sites
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