I don't know anymore

August 8, 2008

It's an addiction, WWIU. Dylan, chin up, gal. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I have been following your predicament though so far had not posted, but thought that I post now, to show my support. (((hug)))

Dylan, my exMM is 53 and I'm 38, there's the 15years age gap. For the past 3years, we would speak on the phone everyday for hours on end, chat via YM/Gtalk. After the lastest bout of his atrocious behaviour, I ended it. Like all folks here have said, I thought that I had a relationship but it was merely an A. I went from constantly being in touch to zlich; it was hard. Daytime was alright, since I am at work, I would keep myself ultra busy so that I don't think tooo much and over analyse the situation. I blocked him off my cell phone, home phone and I refused to pick up his calls in the office. The only way that he could contact me was via FB.

We talked mid-July, which was recently. He apologised and begged to be let back into my life again. We now speak on the phone; but not everyday. I have made it clear to him that I am not willing to go back to what I did, A. I laid my cards on the table and told him what I wanted and what I needed.

Apparently, he had a "talk" with his wife and he confessed. His children know now, and they are alright with him doing what he's doing. Apparently. His wife lost it for awhile, I don't know now, as I haven't bothered to enquired lately. He said that the reason for his confession is that he is ready to come clean and it is his way of demonstrating that he does indeed loves me and will not be sneaking around. Apparently, he offered a divorce but after a lot of negiotiation, apparently, she is willing to remain married, both of them leading separate lives whilst remaining under the same roof. Now should I believe him? Do I? Doesn't matter to me anymore, he's merely a friend now.

Dylan, you will get it soon, the emotional swings, that's usual

August 8, 2008

Dylan, you have to stop letting him control you, you have to take charge. It is when you start taking charge, saying no, then you will slowly begin to heal.

This is my rationale for my 3year A.

Once upon a time he had agonised frequently about the morality of it all but never seriously intended to leave the Wife. What he and OW had was comfortable, well, to his mind he was comfortable. He didn’t want OW in his life as a resident just as a resident alien, swooping in whenever he needs someone.

At first he justified to himself about his lack of up and leaving because of his children, then the mortgage, the children need a mom and a dad, then his W’s menopausal, his W’s nervous disposition, how vurnerable and weak his W seemed. Well, I suppose it is a big thing for a woman- menopause. But not quite as his arrangement to have safe sex with a comfortable and yet familar body. All the while not having to worry about OW, depend on OW/pay for OW’s upkeep, after all sex with OW is comfortable, familar and safe. So, with the OW it is all about sharing the rippest cherries from the top of the tree whilst leaving the rest for his W to pip and bottle.

I have always maintained that "needing someone" wasn’t what I wanted to hear. That’s like saying "someone" can be anyone, if not you it will be someone else; like he’s so fond of saying lately. I wanted him to tell me that I MATTERED. That I am the best part of his day. He doesn’t have to claim to love me more than he’d loved his W. His W would always be a part of him, an important part of him. But I wanted to hear that he could love me just as much, just differently.

That he wanted to grow old with me. I wanted to be more than a convienience / a good time.

August 8, 2008

It's an addiction, WWIU. Dylan, chin up, gal. There's light at the end of the tunnel. I have been following your predicament though so far had not posted, but thought that I post now, to show my support. (((hug)))

Dylan, my exMM is 53 and I'm 38, there's the 15years age gap. For the past 3years, we would speak on the phone everyday for hours on end, chat via YM/Gtalk. After the lastest bout of his atrocious behaviour, I ended it. Like all folks here have said, I thought that I had a relationship but it was merely an A. I went from constantly being in touch to zlich; it was hard. Daytime was alright, since I am at work, I would keep myself ultra busy so that I don't think tooo much and over analyse the situation. I blocked him off my cell phone, home phone and I refused to pick up his calls in the office. The only way that he could contact me was via FB.

We talked mid-July, which was recently. He apologised and begged to be let back into my life again. We now speak on the phone; but not everyday. I have made it clear to him that I am not willing to go back to what I did, A. I laid my cards on the table and told him what I wanted and what I needed.

Apparently, he had a "talk" with his wife and he confessed. His children know now, and they are alright with him doing what he's doing. Apparently. His wife lost it for awhile, I don't know now, as I haven't bothered to enquired lately. He said that the reason for his confession is that he is ready to come clean and it is his way of demonstrating that he does indeed loves me and will not be sneaking around. Apparently, he offered a divorce but after a lot of negiotiation, apparently, she is willing to remain married, both of them leading separate lives whilst remaining under the same roof. Now should I believe him? Do I? Doesn't matter to me anymore, he's merely a friend now.

Dylan, you will get it soon, the emotional swings, that's usual

Thank you for your post

I'm trying albeit fail very easily. I am starting to see it for what it is I really am. I know me & know that I will wake up one morning & think NO I've had enough!! It's just getting to that place, I am very weak where he is concerned, he e-mails at work in 'office hours', lucky I work for family because my work has gone so down hill over the last few months what with e-mailing, phone calls, time off to see him & time off when it ends, I swear I would have got the sack by now working for someone else!!

I spoke to him today & he said he can't live without me in his life, he has never felt the way I make him feel, he feels like a sixteen year old.

I know..............reeling me in!!!

It is starting to wear thin, his compliments don't ring so true anymore, how can they.

When I'm away from him I feel angry, still love him but that's when I sit & think things over & over in my mind, then I speak to him & those feelings disappear, I hear his voice & I melt.

I find the support here helps a great deal, I think I'm on the right tracks, I don't think my journey to the right place is going to be easy & I don't think I'll get there quite yet, but at least I know it's the direction I need to be heading in.

I've spent 9 months with my head in the clouds dreaming of a happy ever after with a man that swept me off my feet, in July he took it all away & I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

August 8, 2008

Dylan, I know exactly where you are right now....I'm in the exact same place. I keep thinking of all the hopes and dreams we had. How can they promise you these things? Don't they have a conscious? My heart aches for him. I thought he was my soul mate and my life partner. How do you let go of that?

August 8, 2008

Dylan, I know exactly where you are right now....I'm in the exact same place. I keep thinking of all the hopes and dreams we had. How can they promise you these things? Don't they have a conscious? My heart aches for him. I thought he was my soul mate and my life partner. How do you let go of that?

I don't know, just time I suppose. My M/M told me I was his soul mate.

I can't advise you how to let go because I don't know myself but I'm feeling everything that you feel.

Asking all the hows & whys, chances are our questions will never be answered by our M/M, they prob don't know the answers themselves, they got caught up in the moment too, difference is they go home to someone that loves them, they go home to their real life, their children, their family, their security, we go home after a day of having been made to feel so special & so loved, to have reality slap us in the face, we're on on our own!! Where is he now? Where is he when we need to talk? Where is he when WE need them, they aren't, that's not the way it works WE are there when THEY need us!!!! I do know this wont go on forever not for you & not for me, it will go on until we are strong enough to put a stop to it, they won't because reality is, is that they are weaker than us, we just don't know it yet!!!

I know I deserve better, you know you deserve better. We aren't clinging on to them we are clining on to who they let us believe they were.

If they truly loved us then they would be with us & if they truly loved their W's then it wouldn't have happened in the first place, because that isn't love, that isn't a soul mate. I am in this place because I am allowing myself to be, I am allowing myself to let him feel good & adored & loved & wanted like no other woman has ever wanted him.

It is hard to let go, I need him, I need to hear the wonderful things he says to me, I need to feel that I am that person that he let me believe I was................but it has to STOP, we have to figure it out in our heads & stop thinking with our hearts because I know I want all those things for real, I don't want a man that makes me feel all those things & at the same time feel that I have no self-respect.

If you need to talk I'm here

August 9, 2008

Everything you said is so true. I think what hurts the most is like you said he can go home to her (even though I know it can't be easy since she knows everything) but we have no one. If he came back to you and was divorced would you take him back?

August 9, 2008

Everything you said is so true. I think what hurts the most is like you said he can go home to her (even though I know it can't be easy since she knows everything) but we have no one. If he came back to you and was divorced would you take him back?

At this moment if he showed up with divorce papers in his hand then yes I would!!

Another emotion to wrestle with.....I'm hoping he will divorce his wife!!

Who does that make me?? I didn't think that was the person I am!! But here I am stealing another womans H.

I'm a thinker I analyze every little thing that is said, every feeling I have, like a few days ago for instance I spoke with him & got upset he said "until I can commit..........." he stopped, paused & carried on to say how much I mean to him, now did that accidentally pop out of his mouth or is he planting another little seed in my mind!! I believe there is a part of my M/M that wants to be with me because to him I'm fun, I'm all the flirty fun stuff in life, I'm not everday stuff!!

I do believe in his mind he loves me, there has to have been something simply because of the fact that he left his W, admittedly he went back after 3 hours, but to have packed all his things while she was at work, walked out of the marital home knowing he prob would not go back in (at least not without an invitation), & to know that he would prob lose his children (they don't know about this time) & then come to me, that has to have meant something, not enough to still be here now, but something!!!

August 9, 2008

At this moment if he showed up with divorce papers in his hand then yes I would!!
Another emotion to wrestle with.....I'm hoping he will divorce his wife!!
Who does that make me?? I didn't think that was the person I am!! But here I am stealing another womans H.
I'm a thinker I analyze every little thing that is said, every feeling I have, like a few days ago for instance I spoke with him & got upset he said "until I can commit..........." he stopped, paused & carried on to say how much I mean to him, now did that accidentally pop out of his mouth or is he planting another little seed in my mind!! I believe there is a part of my M/M that wants to be with me because to him I'm fun, I'm all the flirty fun stuff in life, I'm not everday stuff!!

I do believe in his mind he loves me, there has to have been something simply because of the fact that he left his W, admittedly he went back after 3 hours, but to have packed all his things while she was at work, walked out of the marital home knowing he prob would not go back in (at least not without an invitation), & to know that he would prob lose his children (they don't know about this time) & then come to me, that has to have meant something, not enough to still be here now, but something!!!

He is a game player. He left his wife to teach her a lesson. You are fun and flirty because you don't have to be the everyday. When you are the everyday, do you think he will see you as fun or as the conquered. You are a challenge and I think that is where his love comes from. He loves the challenge. Once that is over, he will need to conquer something knew. And yes you probably should want him to leave his wife, not so you can have him(you can't steal what is willing, unless you have woven a spell of the @ss hole and he can't help himself)but so she can find someone who truly loves and respects her.

But your feelings of love aside, does he respect you or any woman? Is he a good role model for your daughter? Can you trust him with your future and your emotions without a doubt? Is he worth the pain that will be caused to all involved? Would you be proud to call him your H to family and friends? What will you tell your daughter when she finds out how you 2 got together(trust me the kids eventually find out all the dirt we did in life and we have to explain it and it is hard looking them in the face and telling them what you have done and why), how will you justify your action to her? These questions all supersede your emotion of love. Think about it.

August 9, 2008

He is a game player. He left his wife to teach her a lesson. You are fun and flirty because you don't have to be the everyday. When you are the everyday, do you think he will see you as fun or as the conquered. You are a challenge and I think that is where his love comes from. He loves the challenge. Once that is over, he will need to conquer something knew. And yes you probably should want him to leave his wife, not so you can have him(you can't steal what is willing, unless you have woven a spell of the @ss hole and he can't help himself)but so she can find someone who truly loves and respects her.

But your feelings of love aside, does he respect you or any woman? Is he a good role model for your daughter? Can you trust him with your future and your emotions without a doubt? Is he worth the pain that will be caused to all involved? Would you be proud to call him your H to family and friends? What will you tell your daughter when she finds out how you 2 got together(trust me the kids eventually find out all the dirt we did in life and we have to explain it and it is hard looking them in the face and telling them what you have done and why), how will you justify your action to her? These questions all supersede your emotion of love. Think about it.

100% think & agonise over your questions.

I'm not disagreeing with your statement about teaching his wife a lesson, but teach her what??? As I have understood it, reading between the lines, his W has been supportive, loving, a home-maker for him & their children, everything that I would assume makes a perfect wife.

Is it not possible that he has been M for 26 years, happily & content, & met someone that he has genuinally fallen in love with?

Is it possible that he had every intention of leaving but when it came to & saw the devastation that had caused, he simply couldn't do it??

Have you ever seen the film Bridges Over Madison County? Does Meryl Streep leave her H of 20 something years (who she still loves), children, security & her life for Clint Eastwood a man that she fell in love with, the unknown, or does she stay with what she knows? It has to be a gamble & some people take gambles others don't!!! I could bet £100.00 on a horse today, but I wont because I'm scared to lose that money, so how must it feel to gamble your life??? To gamble your children, I wouldn't take a gamble on my daughter. So not only do I feel anger at him, I feel sad for him, because it could simply be that he had no intention for any of this to happen.................it just did!!

So the above could be true, but he made a decision to stay with his W so should stick to that.

How can I be a challenge, when there is no challenge? at the moment I'm there 110%, to talk, to listen, whatever he needs from me. I've been conquered haven't I?

August 9, 2008

Dylan...Hey hope your doing better today. Are you seeing a counseler?

I'm planning on making an appointment Monday. Can't decide if I want a man or woman. I would love to know the feelings from a man's point of view.

August 9, 2008

You have, but you don't have to remain his pawn. Remove yourself from his fantasy and live your life.

August 9, 2008

Dylan...Hey hope your doing better today. Are you seeing a counseler?
I'm planning on making an appointment Monday. Can't decide if I want a man or woman. I would love to know the feelings from a man's point of view.

Hi Dreamy

I'm ok thanks, hope you're doing well!!!

No haven't thought about seeing anyone, when I'm at home with my daughter, friends & family I kind of feel ok, still sad but occupied to take my mind off it, time is the best healer, work is the problem, that's when he contacts & I find it hard to ignore him, I never contact him but as soon as he gets in touch I pounce on it. If he would leave it then I could have NC, I will in time I'm 100% sure of that, I know my limits, he's an addiction & I'll kick it.........hard!!!!

& plus I don't want to pay money to be told what I already know, I know counselling is about someone listening but fortunately I have a lot of people that are there for me, who'll listen when I need to cry or to let off steam. He's cost me enough emotionally without spending money to be told I'm better off out of it!!! I'd rather spend the money on a new pair of shoes or treat my daughter to something nice. But that's me if you need counselling & feel that it would help then go for it.

Mans point of view, I don't know on that one, it would depend on if that man had, had similar experiences otherwise how can they know. Until the other day I didn't realise that Owl was a man, try & ask his opinion on that one.

Speak soon

August 9, 2008

I never contact him but as soon as he gets in touch I pounce on it. If he would leave it then I could have NC,

That's the thing, he KNOWS you're going pounce. It's the cat and mouse game... You can't put it all on him - For NC to fully work, you have to not pounce and react if/when he contacts you. I know you're trying hard though - Just do your best NOT to react, especially right away. When you do that, it feeds his ego BIG TIME.

August 11, 2008

Thank you for your post

I'm trying albeit fail very easily. I am starting to see it for what it is I really am. I know me & know that I will wake up one morning & think NO I've had enough!! It's just getting to that place, I am very weak where he is concerned, he e-mails at work in 'office hours', lucky I work for family because my work has gone so down hill over the last few months what with e-mailing, phone calls, time off to see him & time off when it ends, I swear I would have got the sack by now working for someone else!!

I spoke to him today & he said he can't live without me in his life, he has never felt the way I make him feel, he feels like a sixteen year old.

I know..............reeling me in!!!

It is starting to wear thin, his compliments don't ring so true anymore, how can they.

When I'm away from him I feel angry, still love him but that's when I sit & think things over & over in my mind, then I speak to him & those feelings disappear, I hear his voice & I melt.

I find the support here helps a great deal, I think I'm on the right tracks, I don't think my journey to the right place is going to be easy & I don't think I'll get there quite yet, but at least I know it's the direction I need to be heading in.

I've spent 9 months with my head in the clouds dreaming of a happy ever after with a man that swept me off my feet, in July he took it all away & I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

I had been weak too, for the past 3years. The norm is this- he breaks it up and I would talk him round to being together again or he will plead and I would go running back to him again. I had kept wondering, where my breaking point would be, enough's enough. The break point for me came in April and after a month of NC, I contacted him and basically demanded the closure that I needed to move on. He answered a few questions that I had and for me those were like lightbulb moments.

You will eventually get to a point whereby you won't be able to take his crap any longer. Having some of the folks here giving me the support as well as the kick up the backside, helped me tremendously.

So, I am here too if you need someone to listen

August 12, 2008

Thank you Camaypark

I saw him this morning he came round, totally let myself down AGAIN!!!!! I just spoke with my best friend & she is of the opinion that his W prob knows he is still seeing me & accepting it beacuse she doesn't want him to leave her.

You say for three years you were weak, 9 months has beaten me down to what I am now, I don't know if I have 3 years in me.

He kissed me this morning & started to get a little carried away, in the heat of the moment he said I control you & dictate to you - horny talk I know but I think he does want to control me, maybe it's just talk.

August 12, 2008

Thank you Camaypark

I saw him this morning he came round, totally let myself down AGAIN!!!!! I just spoke with my best friend & she is of the opinion that his W prob knows he is still seeing me & accepting it beacuse she doesn't want him to leave her.

You say for three years you were weak, 9 months has beaten me down to what I am now, I don't know if I have 3 years in me.

He kissed me this morning & started to get a little carried away, in the heat of the moment he said I control you & dictate to you - horny talk I know but I think he does want to control me, maybe it's just talk.

You shouldn't think he wants to control you. He does control you and unfortunately you allow it. What he is saying to you isn't horny talk, it is the talk of man dragging woman off to cave by her hair i.e. control.

August 12, 2008

[COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]Dylanatalanta, [/FONT][/COLOR]

[COLOR=blue][FONT=Comic Sans MS]You feel guilty that you’ve destroyed another woman’s life, yet you feel you’re in too deep and can’t help yourself? This is sad because you should be stronger for yourself and your daughter. [/FONT][/COLOR]