I don't know anymore

[dylanatalanta]

I did it to get my life back; I did it so that I could start living for my daughter & not him. I do not understand why he had this influence or control over me but I knew enough to know that I wanted it to stop.

 

A bunny boiler as I understand it, is a woman that is obsessed with a man that has rejected her & I presume wants to continue a relationship no matter how dysfunctional that relationship may be, I admit I was obsessed with him, I was obsessed with the way he made me feel, I was obsessed with having the life that he had promised, but those things were never going to happen & even though I knew I had no future with him I couldn’t stop the contact, I wanted it to stop, I wanted to have all those things with a man that would be mine & mine only, a decent honest man.

 

I am not a bunny boiler, I feel a certain amount of release, and I feel free from him, I am not mourning for him & I am not sorry that it’s over, the only regret that I have, apart from having the A in the first place, is the drastic measure I took to put an end to it, if I am honest there is a part of me that is sorry for him, I loved him & I ruined his life so that he would hate me. I am the only one that will walk away from this & be able to put it behind me & that makes me feel guilty, why should my life be ok when I have ruined others. Please do not try & belittle my feelings, when you have absolutely no idea how I feel.

 

When I saw him with his W I did not feel one tiny ounce of jealousy & yes I did let my sister do my dirty work for me, I panicked, I wasn’t prepared, it wasn’t premeditated. I have been having an A for 10 months & knew it would probably have consumed the next 10 years of my life if I had let it, as selfish as it may seem I saw it as my way out, not to hurt him or his wife.

 

As for my family taking revenge, they did no such thing, I have posted on here & have asked you to read my story, so I have put myself forward for either the support or criticism that is offered, you have not heard their side so please do not judge on their views or concerns that you know nothing of.

 

You can insult me as much as you like, there is nothing you can say that will make me feel worse that I already do.

[ookla_2]

Regardless of the method, he has been "outed", and you have been honest. Now comes the hard part (yes, there's still harder stuff to deal with)...you have to forgive yourself. Don't worry whether or not he hates you, she hates you, or anyone else hates you...we can't control others' feelings about us. All we can control are our own feelings about ourselves. Forgiving yourself is going to take an awfully long time, for you seem to be a very empathetic person, and you are fully conscious of the pain that has been inflicted. I'm not saying that you have no fault here, for of course you do. You are at fault for YOUR part in the A, just as he is at fault for HIS part. I know that if you could undo it, you would. Since this is clearly impossible, the only thing you can do.....and I mean the ONLY thing that will help you move on from this...is find a way to forgive yourself. Once you do this, you will be able to recognize yourself again, as a valid, deserving, caring person, and you will once again be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not feel like running and hiding. It's not easy, and it won't be soon, but it needs to happen in order for you to truly heal and move on with your life.

 

And then never, never, never, never, never (infinity) get involved in this kind of situation again. Take what you have learned from this and move on.

 

((((dylan)))))

[White Flower]

I did it to get my life back; I did it so that I could start living for my daughter & not him. I do not understand why he had this influence or control over me but I knew enough to know that I wanted it to stop.

 

A bunny boiler as I understand it, is a woman that is obsessed with a man that has rejected her & I presume wants to continue a relationship no matter how dysfunctional that relationship may be, I admit I was obsessed with him, I was obsessed with the way he made me feel, I was obsessed with having the life that he had promised, but those things were never going to happen & even though I knew I had no future with him I couldn’t stop the contact, I wanted it to stop, I wanted to have all those things with a man that would be mine & mine only, a decent honest man.

 

I am not a bunny boiler, I feel a certain amount of release, and I feel free from him, I am not mourning for him & I am not sorry that it’s over, the only regret that I have, apart from having the A in the first place, is the drastic measure I took to put an end to it, if I am honest there is a part of me that is sorry for him, I loved him & I ruined his life so that he would hate me. I am the only one that will walk away from this & be able to put it behind me & that makes me feel guilty, why should my life be ok when I have ruined others. Please do not try & belittle my feelings, when you have absolutely no idea how I feel.

 

When I saw him with his W I did not feel one tiny ounce of jealousy & yes I did let my sister do my dirty work for me, I panicked, I wasn’t prepared, it wasn’t premeditated. I have been having an A for 10 months & knew it would probably have consumed the next 10 years of my life if I had let it, as selfish as it may seem I saw it as my way out, not to hurt him or his wife.

 

As for my family taking revenge, they did no such thing, I have posted on here & have asked you to read my story, so I have put myself forward for either the support or criticism that is offered, you have not heard their side so please do not judge on their views or concerns that you know nothing of.

 

You can insult me as much as you like, there is nothing you can say that will make me feel worse that I already do.

I have finally read the whole thread.

 

Dylan, you are not a bunny boiler. A bunny boiler feels rejected by the MM, then takes on any measure possible to regain his affection for her including threatening to tell in order to get him back as her lover.

 

You told his W in order to end the A, not get him back as your lover. You gave her the only thing she was ever looking for: the truth. Now she knows who she is living with and can act accordingly.

 

Honestly, I don't understand how it was wrong for you to tell, ESPECIALLY when she asked you herself what she wanted to know. There are plenty who don't want to know, who are OK with living the lie as long as they get the white picket fence. But she DID want to know and you told her.

 

And as for your family standing up for you, again, I don't understand how that is wrong. Most of my family members are passed away. I've got a dying brother and one sister left. I would be very grateful to have a family like yours to back me up at a time like this. Your sister may have blurted out her feelings at an inappropriate time but it appears as though MM's W accepted it and acted on it further by asking you to sit there and answer her questions all the while her H pulling at her elbow. If she didn't want to know she would have followed him out of the building.

 

These guys are smooth, Dylan, they really are. They make promises they never mean to keep and when they learn from that horrible mistake (getting caught) they improve their game by finding someone less needy and more tolerant so they don't have to make as many promises to future OWs. This man is not finished. It is who he is. You were just one of many.

 

At least you gave his W a glimpse of who he really is. I know it was hard to do, but be proud of yourself for doing it. It is in her hands now.

 

Did anyone see Burn after Reading? George Clooney got the role of a serial cheater down pat. The ending was the most astonishing for me with regard to how he reacted when his W leaves him. The man had many OWs yet he cried like a baby when his W left him.

 

The truth is, these types of cheaters will always cheat. In their mind they really do love their wives AND the OWs. They are egotistical enough to believe they are capable of loving them all; man enough to please them all and lovable enough to all to be loyal to him for God knows how long. God help them and God help us.

 

Big hugs Dylan. Something tells me you'll never allow a man like this into your heart again.

 

WF.