bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I very often think of that, in 20 years if she has a MM like mine I think I would kill him!!!! One of the reasons I got sucked in was cuz I thought she would have the life I want her to have................the life he promised!!!! But the life she should have is with a mother who loves her unconditionally and a mother she respects. He nor any man can give your daughter the things that a mother's love can. She can only grow into a strong, secure, self respecting, dignified woman with a mother as that type of role model. She has to see that her mother has standards and morals and love for herself and others in order to grow into that kind of woman. NO and I repeat NO amount of money can do that. If you think that is the case, check out all the rich chicks on the news doing God knows what and everything. You have got to decide what is more important for your daughter, his lies(cause that is what he will do if he leaves his W after 26 years) or a mother who can stand tall with her head held high and her backbone straight. We all want security and stability for our children, but not at the expense of others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 I hate him. Seriously I will hate this man for you if you can not. How can you listen to another word he says after all this? After he came to you a month and a half ago and it lasted all of 3 hours. HOW?:mad: He really fed you he whole fairytale. JERK. Because how can a person tell those sort of lies Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 But the life she should have is with a mother who loves her unconditionally and a mother she respects. He nor any man can give your daughter the things that a mother's love can. She can only grow into a strong, secure, self respecting, dignified woman with a mother as that type of role model. She has to see that her mother has standards and morals and love for herself and others in order to grow into that kind of woman. NO and I repeat NO amount of money can do that. If you think that is the case, check out all the rich chicks on the news doing God knows what and everything. You have got to decide what is more important for your daughter, his lies(cause that is what he will do if he leaves his W after 26 years) or a mother who can stand tall with her head held high and her backbone straight. We all want security and stability for our children, but not at the expense of others. I wouldn't have cared if he had shown up penniless, it was never about that!!! It was about wanting a man that I love & thought loved me & my daughter being right in the middle of it!! Link to post Share on other sites
noforgiveness Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Because how can a person tell those sort of lies He lied to the woman he was married to for 26 years EVERY SINGLE DAY to spend time with you. THE MAN IS A PROVEN LIAR and probably really good at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 He lied to the woman he was married to for 26 years EVERY SINGLE DAY to spend time with you. THE MAN IS A PROVEN LIAR and probably really good at it. I know exactly what you are saying I'm just finding it hard to drum into my stupid head!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I wouldn't have cared if he had shown up penniless, it was never about that!!! It was about wanting a man that I love & thought loved me & my daughter being right in the middle of it!! I know it isn't about the money. Read what else I said. Her mother is what she needs. A good mother. A mother who respects herself and her life. A mother who will never lower her standards because she is worth more than what this lying @ss whip told her. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Because how can a person tell those sort of lies Because I don't even think those are lies. But I do think that they are so caught up in the moment and their guard is SO down that they open up the way a man as a single, would not. And most importantly they have an escape clause if they need it and change their mind. Think about it, just how open can a person be when he can speak his mind and utlimately he does not have to be held accountable for his words? A man dating a woman as a single man has to watch his every word and move because he is held accountable for his words. But a man who is commited to someone else always has that escape clause, he can express his every emotion and get in way over his head by expressing what he feels and he NEVER has to be held accountable for his words because "HE IS MARRIED" Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 I know it isn't about the money. Read what else I said. Her mother is what she needs. A good mother. A mother who respects herself and her life. A mother who will never lower her standards because she is worth more than what this lying @ss whip told her. She is my life & I love her more than anything, I would never want her to know what I have done Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Now I am angry! But also sad...he sure did paint a very desirable picture, again sounds a lot like what a lot these men do, mine did similar things in terms of real promises. Mind you, I think they really DO feel these things when they say them I think in the moment these things are real to them they mean what they say, I know for a fact mine wasn't a sociopath, I don't think he was a pathological liar, do you think that of yours? You know that is a characteristic of men that is very different to us. In the moment they say things they feel and then the next day it passes. It's hard for women to relate to this we tend to be more emotionally deep men are more fickle in. I'm starting to wonder, actually I'm starting to think he is a very very cruel man Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 She is my life & I love her more than anything, I would never want her to know what I have done I am a mother of 2. I didn't want them to know some of the things that I had done in my life either. But I found as they got older, and they were faced with similar situations, it was good to tell them what I had done. They could see where I came from and what I have become today. A lapse in judgment isn't meant to condemn for a lifetime. As long as you turn away from the thing that caused that lapse. A are often described as addictions. I actually believe that is an accurate analogy. But drugs aren't good for the body, mind, emotions or soul. The A isn't good either. You feel such intense pain and anger right now, what happens if he decides he needs a new ego boost or being a dad again isn't what he thought it would be(those teen years can be a real b!tch, especially with girls:D)Don't just consider your feelings right now at this moment, but in a week, 2 months, a year. Can you trust him? Is he really worth the chance? He has already shown you a major character flaw, his trustworthiness and respect for women. This isn't even a red flag, but a banner hanging from the sky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 I am a mother of 2. I didn't want them to know some of the things that I had done in my life either. But I found as they got older, and they were faced with similar situations, it was good to tell them what I had done. They could see where I came from and what I have become today. A lapse in judgment isn't meant to condemn for a lifetime. As long as you turn away from the thing that caused that lapse. A are often described as addictions. I actually believe that is an accurate analogy. But drugs aren't good for the body, mind, emotions or soul. The A isn't good either. You feel such intense pain and anger right now, what happens if he decides he needs a new ego boost or being a dad again isn't what he thought it would be(those teen years can be a real b!tch, especially with girls:D)Don't just consider your feelings right now at this moment, but in a week, 2 months, a year. Can you trust him? Is he really worth the chance? He has already shown you a major character flaw, his trustworthiness and respect for women. This isn't even a red flag, but a banner hanging from the sky. I think in time I'll be able to see that, it's just raw at the moment & I jump from one emotion to the next, my head isn't clear. You all really have helped me today & made me feel a little stronger in the sense that I feel like telling him a big sod off!!! But you are right all my daughter needs is me & if he is the only choice out there then all I need is her. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 dylan - the other downside to consider is the fact that even if you ended up with him... his wife would still always be a big part of your lives. she simply doesn't just disappear. as much as i don't want anything to do with my xH (we were married 20 years) there are still so many occasions and events that we are forced to be present at the same time. many reasons to have to have civil interaction and a lot of communication. just because two people are divorced doesn't mean the other person just drops off the face of the earth. life and your future would always be very convoluted and complicated for the fact that he was with her for all those years and they have history together. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I think in time I'll be able to see that, it's just raw at the moment & I jump from one emotion to the next, my head isn't clear. You all really have helped me today & made me feel a little stronger in the sense that I feel like telling him a big sod off!!! But you are right all my daughter needs is me & if he is the only choice out there then all I need is her. Don't fool yourself into believing he is the only thing out there. He isn't. There a thousands of butts like him floating around in their own sewage trying to make others smell as badly as they do. I am not trying to make you feel worse, but I do know about jumping from one emotion to another and thinking like like my head was in a bubble. I felt the exact same way when I found out Mr. Messy was doing the freak with someone else's W. I was sick at my stomach most days. But you do begin to think clearly. I did it for my kids and then eventually for myself. I am better than ever and stronger than I ever thought I could be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 dylan - the other downside to consider is the fact that even if you ended up with him... his wife would still always be a big part of your lives. she simply doesn't just disappear. as much as i don't want anything to do with my xH (we were married 20 years) there are still so many occasions and events that we are forced to be present at the same time. many reasons to have to have civil interaction and a lot of communication. just because two people are divorced doesn't mean the other person just drops off the face of the earth. life and your future would always be very convoluted and complicated for the fact that he was with her for all those years and they have history together. I think for the last 9 months I have been seeing through his eyes not my own & have just been dreaming of all the empty promises. Considering the past & knowing what I know, if he left & came to me it would always be in the back of my mind that he would go back again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Don't fool yourself into believing he is the only thing out there. He isn't. There a thousands of butts like him floating around in their own sewage trying to make others smell as badly as they do. I am not trying to make you feel worse, but I do know about jumping from one emotion to another and thinking like like my head was in a bubble. I felt the exact same way when I found out Mr. Messy was doing the freak with someone else's W. I was sick at my stomach most days. But you do begin to think clearly. I did it for my kids and then eventually for myself. I am better than ever and stronger than I ever thought I could be. How long were you the O/W? Link to post Share on other sites
wildsoul Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Because I don't even think those are lies. But I do think that they are so caught up in the moment and their guard is SO down that they open up the way a man as a single, would not. And most importantly they have an escape clause if they need it and change their mind. Thank you. I've been reading this thread with special interest because my guy (who was on his way towards separation, but then stopped progress) really liked to indulge in "future talk" with me. In the moment, I took it with a wee grain of salt. I'm not so stupid that I couldn't tell he was mostly trying the fantasy on for size (and trying to please & hook me.) Yet the potent combo of A) our time together being super exciting and B) him reciting everything off of my "secret" wish list really took hold. I started buying into it, which makes it feel like I have more invested than I actually do. You know what I mean: one grieves the hopeful potential as much as the history. TC, I really think you're on track with the part about the escape clause too. Dunno, but I never had a single guy engage in as much future talk as this MM. I've never dated a MM though, so who knows. But I think you're on to something. I know my guy wasn't lying per se, and I don't consider these broken promises. I consider them more like empty promsies. Fantasies and possibilities. In imagining his new life, he was in a sense trying me on for size. That's not the same as him deciding and committing. FWIW I do think it's self-centered and thoughtless to engage in this sort of talk without being truly available. I'm curious as to whether he did it without considering the impact on me, or if he was actually trying to hook me. Neither one of those are good, so it's just an idle curiosity. But still, at the end of the day, I take responsiblity for entertaining those conversations too. So I don't just hold him accountable. I allowed it. I'm starving for it. I so wanted it to be true. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I feel for you and the pain you're in. Please just start putting you and your daughter first. Your MM is selfish and that's what it comes down to. A man who is a liar, a cheater, and a betrayer. He will say whatever he feels at any given time without thinking it through..But, that is part of the affairfog - It warps your mind. He said alot, probably meant it too, but it was based on what if's and fantasties...Same goes for you, he sucked you in, gave you some good lines to believe - But, looking back and especially right now that your eyes are wide open - You can see and be more objective, see him in the light that he isn't who he appears to be. Stay strong and just know that you were fine before he entered your life, and you WILL be fine again without him. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 How long were you the O/W? :DNO, I am a BW. MR. Messy is my former H. He cheated after more than 20 years of marriage. I actually believe now that the ow wasn't his first, but his latest. Hope that doesn't freak you out too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 How long were you the O/W? never mind.... I see she explained ;-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 :DNO, I am a BW. MR. Messy is my former H. He cheated after more than 20 years of marriage. I actually believe now that the ow wasn't his first, but his latest. Hope that doesn't freak you out too much. I'm sorry I'm new to this whats B/W? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I'm sorry I'm new to this whats B/W? Betrayed wife. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I think for the last 9 months I have been seeing through his eyes not my own & have just been dreaming of all the empty promises. Considering the past & knowing what I know, if he left & came to me it would always be in the back of my mind that he would go back again. Either go back or cheat on you with someone else in the future. Look how he's handled this! Who knows if he's cheated before and had other affairs! Either way, he is someone who gets bored and instead of working on his marriage, making it more exciting, spending time with his wife, he chooses to go outside of the marriage. Whatever their problems were, he chose NOT to deal with it the proper way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dylanatalanta Posted August 6, 2008 Author Share Posted August 6, 2008 Betrayed wife. Sorry!!! Can I ask why you talk to me & offer support? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Thank you. I've been reading this thread with special interest because my guy (who was on his way towards separation, but then stopped progress) really liked to indulge in "future talk" with me. In the moment, I took it with a wee grain of salt. I'm not so stupid that I couldn't tell he was mostly trying the fantasy on for size (and trying to please & hook me.) Yet the potent combo of A) our time together being super exciting and B) him reciting everything off of my "secret" wish list really took hold. I started buying into it, which makes it feel like I have more invested than I actually do. You know what I mean: one grieves the hopeful potential as much as the history. TC, I really think you're on track with the part about the escape clause too. Dunno, but I never had a single guy engage in as much future talk as this MM. I've never dated a MM though, so who knows. But I think you're on to something. I know my guy wasn't lying per se, and I don't consider these broken promises. I consider them more like empty promsies. Fantasies and possibilities. In imagining his new life, he was in a sense trying me on for size. That's not the same as him deciding and committing. FWIW I do think it's self-centered and thoughtless to engage in this sort of talk without being truly available. I'm curious as to whether he did it without considering the impact on me, or if he was actually trying to hook me. Neither one of those are good, so it's just an idle curiosity. But still, at the end of the day, I take responsiblity for entertaining those conversations too. So I don't just hold him accountable. I allowed it. I'm starving for it. I so wanted it to be true. BANG ON WILD!!! That's just IT, you TOTALLY hit the nail on the head and I think that is the hardest to get over Wild, and once you come to this realization on your own of making the distinction it is easier to move on to see things clearly and for what they are. For me that is exactly what it was. Of course I was in love with him and abolutely LOVED how he made me feel but the hardest to let go was the hopes of what we would have for our future. Because if I am completely honest with myself and I have said this a 1000000000000 times and right from the GET-GO, what we had was SHIIIIT. it was 100% a pile of shiit. I fought it every step of the way and that also did our time together in. It was nowhere near what I demand from a relationship or from a partner so really the hopes of what we WOULD have given what I already knew about him was the hardest thing to let go of once I had to flick that switch off. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Sorry!!! Can I ask why you talk to me & offer support? Same reason as me. She cares. She doesn't want to see you continually get hurt by this MM. As much as you love him, he can't give ALL of himself to you - Noone wants to see you settle for less, settle to be the OW when you need and want more. Myself, Bent, TC, Sunny, and many others DO care and that's why we're all trying to help you, to see ALL sides and angles of your situation, to hopefully help you make the right decision for you and your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
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