I don't know anymore

[dylanatalanta]

He also told me that him & his W were re-building their M, I told him that I did not agree by the pure fact he had come to see me & telling me he would always love me & that, in his words, 'I miss you like f**k'. How is that re-building a M???? His W maybe trying but I feel that his side is based on pure lies, he told me that he never meant to hurt me & to please believe that he isn't a bad man, he looks & sounds so sincere when he's in front of me.

[dylanatalanta]

Sorry to go on but I think I'm going up the wall, I have been sat at my desk for almost 5 hours & done zilch apart from think about him & wait for the next e-mail.

[Tomcat33]

Hello Dylanatalanta

 

Sorry to hear this happened today but to answer your questions YES INDEED we ALL do have moments of weakness and you will have many. The level of emptiness and pain and resentment that is left behind as the days go by after you break the silence to cave into your weakness, directly impacts and determines how many times you will give in to temptation.

 

In the moment it always feels good it is that glimmer of hope that something has changed and then once it is done that deep emptiness sits in. It's so hard!!

 

It seems he is really leveling with you

 

a) he doesn't have the guts

b) he can't do it

 

 

Nothing you can say OR do will change his mind. Please remember this the next time he contacts you wanting to see you.

 

Don't beat yourself up for caving in, it's natural it is too fresh and you are still trying to figure this thing out. But please please please focus on the above points the next time he cons you into wanting to see you.

 

I'm sorry for you..

[Tomcat33]

He also told me that him & his W were re-building their M, I told him that I did not agree by the pure fact he had come to see me & telling me he would always love me & that, in his words, 'I miss you like f**k'. How is that re-building a M???? His W maybe trying but I feel that his side is based on pure lies, he told me that he never meant to hurt me & to please believe that he isn't a bad man, he looks & sounds so sincere when he's in front of me.

 

 

Of course he is NOT he STILL lying to her they always do, they do this for a long time to come. In many cases they will keep insisiting and sneaking beihnd the spouse's back and it actually won't stop until they feel the other person has moved on. Literally they have to be hit over the head with a 2x4 to let them stay true to their word of "working on rebuliding the marriage"

 

After 6 months of mine contacting me off and on to tell me he missed me loved me and not a day went by that he thought about me I finally broke the silence and told him I was seeing someone else to STOP contacting me we were through as per HIS choice to stay in his M so LEVE ME ALONE. He sent me a nasty email back saying. Fine then this is it this is the last time! I will never contact you again. Two months later he was at it again, taking out fake profiles online to check up on me So much for his word and willpower. Funny thing is he had so much will power for so many things in life just not to keep his word to me or his W.

 

Anyway the point is he is no more working on recovering his marriage than he is ready to be with you for the love he says to have for you so...

but look on the bright side at least you don't have to wash his sweaty skivies and iron his shirts (did I mention how much I HATE ironing?) So I think you still get the better end of the deal!

[bentnotbroken]

He is lying as usual. He will try to hang on to you and his wife. It is an ego boost for him. He only sees his needs. Not the needs of his wife and certainly not yours.

 

Try to step outside of the situation for a minute. Be an observer in your own life. Watch what he does and says, then watch your responses. How do you feel when he leaves? Is it worth the turmoil you are left with? Do wish to have this type of chaos in your life permanently?

 

He is looking at you now, who will he look to for his ego boost in the future? Are you comfortable with continuing to help hurt his wife when she is believing his lies too. She believes he has chosen to stay with her and is putting in the effort to repair what she believes is her life. If you continue to allow him access to you, you remain a part of his deception.

 

I got the feeling that you weren't happy living that life, am I wrong? There will be no winners in this situation. But there can be survivors. You can survive this and move on. And this would be the same advice I would give his wife. He is addicted to the secrecy, the fantasy, the 2 women want me syndrome. When you nor his wife provide that feeling anymore, he will find a new source.

 

There is no way to tell you that backing away will be easy, it won't. But you have to start somewhere. Blocking his calls would be a start. Going out and living, instead of staying home and slowly dying is another. Is this man worth all that you would give up of yourself to be with him?

[dylanatalanta]

He is lying as usual. He will try to hang on to you and his wife. It is an ego boost for him. He only sees his needs. Not the needs of his wife and certainly not yours.

 

Try to step outside of the situation for a minute. Be an observer in your own life. Watch what he does and says, then watch your responses. How do you feel when he leaves? Is it worth the turmoil you are left with? Do wish to have this type of chaos in your life permanently?

 

He is looking at you now, who will he look to for his ego boost in the future? Are you comfortable with continuing to help hurt his wife when she is believing his lies too. She believes he has chosen to stay with her and is putting in the effort to repair what she believes is her life. If you continue to allow him access to you, you remain a part of his deception.

 

I got the feeling that you weren't happy living that life, am I wrong? There will be no winners in this situation. But there can be survivors. You can survive this and move on. And this would be the same advice I would give his wife. He is addicted to the secrecy, the fantasy, the 2 women want me syndrome. When you nor his wife provide that feeling anymore, he will find a new source.

 

There is no way to tell you that backing away will be easy, it won't. But you have to start somewhere. Blocking his calls would be a start. Going out and living, instead of staying home and slowly dying is another. Is this man worth all that you would give up of yourself to be with him?

 

[When I left this morning My whole body was numb....not the normal sort of "after sex" numb but "**** I've lost my best friend" numb it was horrible !!!

 

Can friends still judge potential boyfriends ???]

 

 

This is what he sent me earlier, that's why I think he also likes control!!

 

You are right def do not want this life I feel horrible when he has gone!!!

[dylanatalanta]

He is lying as usual. He will try to hang on to you and his wife. It is an ego boost for him. He only sees his needs. Not the needs of his wife and certainly not yours.

 

Try to step outside of the situation for a minute. Be an observer in your own life. Watch what he does and says, then watch your responses. How do you feel when he leaves? Is it worth the turmoil you are left with? Do wish to have this type of chaos in your life permanently?

 

He is looking at you now, who will he look to for his ego boost in the future? Are you comfortable with continuing to help hurt his wife when she is believing his lies too. She believes he has chosen to stay with her and is putting in the effort to repair what she believes is her life. If you continue to allow him access to you, you remain a part of his deception.

 

I got the feeling that you weren't happy living that life, am I wrong? There will be no winners in this situation. But there can be survivors. You can survive this and move on. And this would be the same advice I would give his wife. He is addicted to the secrecy, the fantasy, the 2 women want me syndrome. When you nor his wife provide that feeling anymore, he will find a new source.

 

There is no way to tell you that backing away will be easy, it won't. But you have to start somewhere. Blocking his calls would be a start. Going out and living, instead of staying home and slowly dying is another. Is this man worth all that you would give up of yourself to be with him?

 

 

Followed by this e-mail:

 

I got to go in a moment our planning guy is coming here for 2.15pm so just in case I get caught short and have to dash...... I just wanted to say you looked absolutely stunning this morning !!!!

 

I never ever want to lose you misses even If we can only be just best friends !!!!

 

please let me judge your new boyfriends I promise you'll never have a long term relationship again Ha Ha !!!

[whichwayisup]

He e-mailed me this morning & said he had a meeting & could he call in for a coffee, I said yes (please don't shout at me). He has just left I asked him wht he didn't leave & he basically said he didn't have the guts, he said I was the unknown. He said he was going to be strong because I deserve better & never forget him because he will never forget & always love me. When he left he asked for a hug, a hug that lasted about 10 mins & a very passionate kiss, that did me in & I went back on all I had just said to him!!!

 

Atleast he's been honest, and just know he does care alot and loves you but his choice is to stay married.

 

He also told me that him & his W were re-building their M, I told him that I did not agree by the pure fact he had come to see me & telling me he would always love me & that, in his words, 'I miss you like f**k'. How is that re-building a M???? His W maybe trying but I feel that his side is based on pure lies, he told me that he never meant to hurt me & to please believe that he isn't a bad man, he looks & sounds so sincere when he's in front of me.

 

He hasn't started rebuilding his marriage yet, that is why. His focus isn't where it should be (yet). He is emotional and going to say whatever it takes, to you and to his wife. I'm sure he cried, begged, told his wife he didn't love you, he only loves her. And I bet he looked and sounded sincere infront of her too.

 

This man loves himself and he is playing two women selfishly. It is about him.

 

The ball is actually in your court now, more than you know. You are in the position of power - Once you decide what you want to do, stick to it and be strong.

[whichwayisup]

I never ever want to lose you misses even If we can only be just best friends !!!!

 

please let me judge your new boyfriends I promise you'll never have a long term relationship again Ha Ha !!!

 

Eww. And Eww.

 

Honestly, how do you feel when reading that? If this was your bestfriend in this situation, what would you tell her?

[bentnotbroken]

This is a man with no character what so ever, but he wants to judge new boyfriends. He is a control freak. The more you take control, the more he will assert himself. He is using flattery because he knows your feelings. Who wants a friend who will lie to them and hurt them at any cost. He isn't a friend, he doesn't know how to be. He can't even be a friend to himself.

[dylanatalanta]

Eww. And Eww.

 

Honestly, how do you feel when reading that? If this was your bestfriend in this situation, what would you tell her?

 

It feels like he is playing games, he won't commit but wants to know about future boyfriends!!!! Why???? As much as I may sound stupid, I do know his game. I admit to being stupid for loving a man that I'm slowly coming round to realizing only loves himself!!!

[whichwayisup]

OK, well focus on that then.

 

This guy IS messed up in the head, that's obvious. He thinks he can interfer and butt into your personal life? He CHOSE his wife over you - So I hope you choose to cut him out of your life and stay away from him. Don't allow friendship to happen because it is NOT friendship he is offering you at all.

 

Try your best to close your heart, detach emotionally. Once you can do that, I bet you won't like him much, and won't like what you 'see'.

[noforgiveness]

Please ignore him. He just wants you to continue feeding his ego. He wants to play and flirt and get that little boost no matter how much it hurts you.

[2sure]

A while ago (before I was remarried) I had a 4 year affair with a MM. I was a single mom, struggling big time, and just in general not in the very best place in my life. I wanted very much to find a life partner to share my own and my daughter's life. But I was lonely and confused and somehow ended up in this A. Even when I was involved in a relationship - it would be on/off. We were very close. I knew it for what it was from the get go and ended it when I was ready to move on to my own life for real.

 

In reading your post (which IS heartbreaking and I'm glad I read the whole of it before replying) - I was asking myself this: This woman is 33 years old, how could she possibly have bought the picture he was painting?? But I get it. You want it so much, you gloss over what doesnt fit. Instead of being taken to dinner or away for the weekend, you settle for an hour of sex and another hour of pillow talk consisting of Prince Charming telling you once upon a time stories. I did it myself. Although I didnt buy it in my heart, it was a nice respite from my current situation.

 

My MM would often try to talk about us being together, him leaving his family. When I wouldnt participate, he turned it into the What Ifs....which he really really seemed to enjoy. He would talk about the life we would have together, our children doing things together, vacations, etc. I am sure I was more jaded than you , but I knew it was all fantasy and just let him talk. We did however, become good friends and I cared for him deeply. Tears were shed often.

 

After I ended it, we would talk on the phone once a week or so. I noticed 99% of our conversations were about him (and always had been) - stories of his past athletic victories, current work conquests, women who were flirting with him, his all star kids, . I realized this man, as nice & funny & charmingly self deprecating as he was...was an ego maniac and I was just another symptom of that. I was your age, he was in his 40s - married 18 years. He was having a mid life crisis...I was his red corvette...and his wife, although shaken to the core, recognized this failure of his for what it was. A hurdle, one of life's obstacles, a crisis not uncommon during mid life of a marriage.

 

He still occassionally emails me, I never respond.

 

He is playing you even though he loves you. He doesnt mean to. His wife knows him, is his life mate and will weather this storm with him possibly until she believes this is something other than his own personal mid life crisis.

 

You've learned a lesson. I hope you dont walk away jaded...because you do sound like a sweet & open person. Just like everything else in life - take something useful away from this. Just start walking.

 

Of all the posts Ive read on here lately, I have to say yours really struck home with me. I am mad at your MM for taking advantage of your vulnerability. Cuz thats what he did. You'll see this after you walk away. You wont have to hate him for it either, you'll have some sympathy and thats about it.

[dylanatalanta]

Please ignore him. He just wants you to continue feeding his ego. He wants to play and flirt and get that little boost no matter how much it hurts you.

 

 

If it's true & I'm feeding his ego............................WHY????? Why in the hell bother!!!!! Rebuild his M my A$$!!!! If he is then get his W to boost his ego if that is his choice!!!

[whichwayisup]

2sure, your post is going to provide alot of help for dylanatalanta..Glad you posted it!

[noforgiveness]

If it's true & I'm feeding his ego............................WHY????? Why in the hell bother!!!!! Rebuild his M my A$$!!!! If he is then get his W to boost his ego if that is his choice!!!

 

 

His wife thinks he is a total ass right now for going outside his 26 year marriage witha 33 year old. She will not feed his ego. She will probably be beating it down and he needs you to boost it back up. You give him love and support and never put him down. Tell him what a lying cheating ass he is and see how he feels and acts.

 

Theygot married when you were 7. Think about that.

[dylanatalanta]

A while ago (before I was remarried) I had a 4 year affair with a MM. I was a single mom, struggling big time, and just in general not in the very best place in my life. I wanted very much to find a life partner to share my own and my daughter's life. But I was lonely and confused and somehow ended up in this A. Even when I was involved in a relationship - it would be on/off. We were very close. I knew it for what it was from the get go and ended it when I was ready to move on to my own life for real.

 

In reading your post (which IS heartbreaking and I'm glad I read the whole of it before replying) - I was asking myself this: This woman is 33 years old, how could she possibly have bought the picture he was painting?? But I get it. You want it so much, you gloss over what doesnt fit. Instead of being taken to dinner or away for the weekend, you settle for an hour of sex and another hour of pillow talk consisting of Prince Charming telling you once upon a time stories. I did it myself. Although I didnt buy it in my heart, it was a nice respite from my current situation.

 

My MM would often try to talk about us being together, him leaving his family. When I wouldnt participate, he turned it into the What Ifs....which he really really seemed to enjoy. He would talk about the life we would have together, our children doing things together, vacations, etc. I am sure I was more jaded than you , but I knew it was all fantasy and just let him talk. We did however, become good friends and I cared for him deeply. Tears were shed often.

 

After I ended it, we would talk on the phone once a week or so. I noticed 99% of our conversations were about him (and always had been) - stories of his past athletic victories, current work conquests, women who were flirting with him, his all star kids, . I realized this man, as nice & funny & charmingly self deprecating as he was...was an ego maniac and I was just another symptom of that. I was your age, he was in his 40s - married 18 years. He was having a mid life crisis...I was his red corvette...and his wife, although shaken to the core, recognized this failure of his for what it was. A hurdle, one of life's obstacles, a crisis not uncommon during mid life of a marriage.

 

He still occassionally emails me, I never respond.

 

He is playing you even though he loves you. He doesnt mean to. His wife knows him, is his life mate and will weather this storm with him possibly until she believes this is something other than his own personal mid life crisis.

 

You've learned a lesson. I hope you dont walk away jaded...because you do sound like a sweet & open person. Just like everything else in life - take something useful away from this. Just start walking.

 

Of all the posts Ive read on here lately, I have to say yours really struck home with me. I am mad at your MM for taking advantage of your vulnerability. Cuz thats what he did. You'll see this after you walk away. You wont have to hate him for it either, you'll have some sympathy and thats about it.

 

Thank you for your story. I am trying hard to see what you ended up seeing.............the truth!!!

 

I suppose I'm still in denial & not letting myself accept the truth, I still want it to be true & can't face that it was a lie.

[Owl]

Stop believing WORDS.

 

Words LIE.

 

Actions tell you what's going on...what do his ACTIONS tell you?

[dylanatalanta]

His wife thinks he is a total ass right now for going outside his 26 year marriage witha 33 year old. She will not feed his ego. She will probably be beating it down and he needs you to boost it back up. You give him love and support and never put him down. Tell him what a lying cheating ass he is and see how he feels and acts.

 

Theygot married when you were 7. Think about that.

 

 

When his W spoke to me, she told me that he was just flattered because of my age. I have never felt threat over a realtionship by a 'younger woman' & would imagine it..............to be honest I don't know, it's never happened to me so can't possibly imagine what she is going through.

 

I swear to God I hate what I have done to her & his children, it makes me question my morals & principles.

 

I have no excuse.

[dylanatalanta]

Stop believing WORDS.

 

Words LIE.

 

Actions tell you what's going on...what do his ACTIONS tell you?

 

That I'm nothing to him

[noforgiveness]

When his W spoke to me, she told me that he was just flattered because of my age. I have never felt threat over a realtionship by a 'younger woman' & would imagine it..............to be honest I don't know, it's never happened to me so can't possibly imagine what she is going through.

 

I swear to God I hate what I have done to her & his children, it makes me question my morals & principles.

 

I have no excuse.

 

 

He has no excuse. Tell him his morals and priciples are not up to your standards and that you don't find a man willing to cheat on his wife and children attractive in anyway.

[whichwayisup]

Ouch.

 

Look, he obviously cares about you, has feelings for you - But it is based in an affair situation. You are seeing this as relationship, you're single, he isn't.

 

I also think that the way he is acting is coming from a self serving, selfish place, not a malcious one. He probably doesn't think he's being cruel at all, he is just SELFISH. Big difference.

 

Knowing what you know now and how you feel about helping him hurt his wife and kids, should be enough inclination to make you want to do NC with him and cut him out of your life. He made his choice, make yours!

[2sure]

2sure, your post is going to provide alot of help for dylanatalanta..Glad you posted it!

 

Finding this forum has been honestly, the best "therapy" for me. Even if it just gives me the chance to verbalize my true heartfelt feelings...anonymously. Amazing. I've needed this for years. My mistakes have left me with something to offer, and in giving I receive!

[me003]

A while ago (before I was remarried) I had a 4 year affair with a MM. I was a single mom, struggling big time, and just in general not in the very best place in my life. I wanted very much to find a life partner to share my own and my daughter's life. But I was lonely and confused and somehow ended up in this A. Even when I was involved in a relationship - it would be on/off. We were very close. I knew it for what it was from the get go and ended it when I was ready to move on to my own life for real.

 

In reading your post (which IS heartbreaking and I'm glad I read the whole of it before replying) - I was asking myself this: This woman is 33 years old, how could she possibly have bought the picture he was painting?? But I get it. You want it so much, you gloss over what doesnt fit. Instead of being taken to dinner or away for the weekend, you settle for an hour of sex and another hour of pillow talk consisting of Prince Charming telling you once upon a time stories. I did it myself. Although I didnt buy it in my heart, it was a nice respite from my current situation.

 

My MM would often try to talk about us being together, him leaving his family. When I wouldnt participate, he turned it into the What Ifs....which he really really seemed to enjoy. He would talk about the life we would have together, our children doing things together, vacations, etc. I am sure I was more jaded than you , but I knew it was all fantasy and just let him talk. We did however, become good friends and I cared for him deeply. Tears were shed often.

 

After I ended it, we would talk on the phone once a week or so. I noticed 99% of our conversations were about him (and always had been) - stories of his past athletic victories, current work conquests, women who were flirting with him, his all star kids, . I realized this man, as nice & funny & charmingly self deprecating as he was...was an ego maniac and I was just another symptom of that. I was your age, he was in his 40s - married 18 years. He was having a mid life crisis...I was his red corvette...and his wife, although shaken to the core, recognized this failure of his for what it was. A hurdle, one of life's obstacles, a crisis not uncommon during mid life of a marriage.

 

He still occassionally emails me, I never respond.

 

He is playing you even though he loves you. He doesnt mean to. His wife knows him, is his life mate and will weather this storm with him possibly until she believes this is something other than his own personal mid life crisis.

 

You've learned a lesson. I hope you dont walk away jaded...because you do sound like a sweet & open person. Just like everything else in life - take something useful away from this. Just start walking.

 

Of all the posts Ive read on here lately, I have to say yours really struck home with me. I am mad at your MM for taking advantage of your vulnerability. Cuz thats what he did. You'll see this after you walk away. You wont have to hate him for it either, you'll have some sympathy and thats about it.

 

Your post really hit me. Sad to say but it sounded so much like my xMM.

He would talk about our future child. How i was the 1. All about his childhood. He did listen and wanted to know about me, but he mostly talked about our FUTURE together. Never once did he mention his current family during this time. He even talked about marriage, even though I don't believe in it (did once) but after being with him, I didn't believe that anyone could be faithful.

 

I am glad that I walked away. I am free to do what I want. I was always single, but now I don't have to be guilty about dating or going out dancing and drinking, or talking to my male friends.