Once a dog always a dog?

[honour and trust]

I know this is going to come off idiotic but I need some advice and probably some therapy after dealing with this particular relationship. I have a significant other that I've been dealing with off and on for a few years. We started as friends and then did the exclusive thing but I ended up moving and we ended it but kept in touch. While we were friends he was with his ex-girlfriend, we'll call her Susan. When we broke up he and Susan got back together. Basically this is a tale of a man in love with two woman which I'm not sure I truly buy. He says that he's been in love with me for a long time but also has strong feelings for Susan that he hasn't been able to fight.

 

About six months ago he and Susan ended their relationship. Their relationship was filled with cheating, lying, and deception on both her end and his. Now, although not perfect, he is 150% better of a man than when I was first introduced to him. I've spent alot of time helping him and understanding him which is why I feel comfortable saying that I wouldn't mind a future with him, but he has to be truly single and understand himself before I commit. Personally, I feel he is dependent on being in a relationship although when he was with Susan he didn't act like he was. Now its six months later, of course, our relationship is great. I'm crazy in love with him. He keeps reiterating to me that he wants to be single and he doesn't want to do the relationship thing until he knows he's ready. Does this mean that he's just not that into me? I do want him to be single for his benefit. Also because I don't want to be cheated on or lied to which will happen if I guilt him into a relationship. But I can't deal with the fact that he's going to be single and behave like a single man. On top of that, we behave like a couple but we aren't so how do I deal with this? He also keeps in touch Susan which makes me feel even more insecure but he assures me that they aren't getting back together and that they don't talk that often. I saw a message a texting her about 3 months ago calling her wifey.

 

I've read he's just not that into you so is this what my love is trying to tell me?

 

As far as protecting my feelings, how can I play the dating game to get what I want?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I don't know that its a matter of not being into you so much as it is simply not wanting to be in a relationship right now. Or, perhaps he does but he wants to play the field some to see what else is out there. Either way, you have a choice: either accept his terms, or walk away. It doesn't sound like he is too interested in compromise: particularly since his needs are being met without having to.

[Javelin]

Their relationship was filled with cheating, lying, and deception on both her end and his.

 

I know, you think he'll become this super saint when he's with you, but are you sure that you want to be with someone capable of that sort of abuse?

 

I don't want to be cheated on or lied to which will happen if I guilt him into a relationship.

 

I thought you said he became a better man, by 150%? I guess not...

 

I can't deal with the fact that he's going to be single and behave like a single man.

 

Honestly, why do you care about him so much? He's not a good guy and he's not relationship material. Anyone that is labeled a cheater, is, and will always be capable of cheating, period. Not only is that unhealthy, but it's not safe for you! If he is capable of cheating he'll be putting you at risk for all sorts of STDs and what not..

 

Are you so sure that you want to put that to the test?

 

As far as protecting my feelings, how can I play the dating game to get what I want?

 

In this situation, you don't play any games. In fact, you get as far away from him as physically and mentally possible. Trust me, you don't want to waste your time with this guy, as one argument will probably send him to his ex-girlfriend's house for the night as revenge... He is still in contact with her, after a pretty horrible relationship, isn't he?

[citizen67]

I think he sounds very immature and wrapped up in himself. Let Susan or some other woman have him, as he is guaranteed to break the heart of whomever he ends up with - I know b/c I was involved with someone very similar. He ping ponged between me (I was the Susan) and someone else, got involved with yet another woman, and after she dumped him, starting screwing around with every women in town. So the answer is Yes, once a dog always a dog

[verve]

In this situation, you don't play any games. In fact, you get as far away from him as physically and mentally possible. Trust me, you don't want to waste your time with this guy, as one argument will probably send him to his ex-girlfriend's house for the night as revenge... He is still in contact with her, after a pretty horrible relationship, isn't he?

 

This paragraph pretty much sums up what I was going to say. Your emotions are blurring your better judgement and you can't see his negatives or you're just overlooking them. From what I have read, I don't think it would be a good idea to get involved with this man as you'll eventually get hurt.

[Grrlish]

H&T:

 

Please bear with the directness of my post. I'm tired today, and frankly, I think that you're smitten and are wearing very big blinders of denial.

 

 

He says that he's been in love with me for a long time but also has strong feelings for Susan that he hasn't been able to fight.

 

Now, although not perfect, he is 150% better of a man than when I was first introduced to him. I've spent alot of time helping him and understanding him which is why I feel comfortable saying that I wouldn't mind a future with him, but he has to be truly single and understand himself before I commit.

Spoken like a true 'fixer', H&T.

 

You've helped him, what? Become a better man? Are you sure? Because based on the info about him in your post, he sounds like he still has a ways to go before he's boyfriend material.

 

You've spent a lot of time understanding him? Meaning, you've spent a lot of time analyzing him to come up with good excuses for why he does the things he does, like bounce back and forth between you and Susan? Or good excuses for why he's been in love with you for a long time but wants to be single?

 

Now its six months later, of course, our relationship is great. I'm crazy in love with him. He keeps reiterating to me that he wants to be single and he doesn't want to do the relationship thing until he knows he's ready.

 

Umm, H&T, you're calling it a relationship and he's saying that he's single. So, he's single, and so are you.

 

Allow me to clarify: If he's saying that he wants to be single, in his mind he's not in a relationship with you. Both people involved have to be in agreement that they're in a relationship.

 

He said "that he's been in love with me for a long time" but he wants to be single and he's not ready for a relationship with you?

 

Does this mean that he's just not that into me?

 

Umm, yes!

 

I do want him to be single for his benefit.

 

The benefit of his libido? I'm not sure what you mean by 'for his benefit'.

 

Also because I don't want to be cheated on or lied to which will happen if I guilt him into a relationship. But I can't deal with the fact that he's going to be single and behave like a single man.

 

You two are not in a relationship. Therefore, he can't cheat on you, and it sounds like he's already lying to you.

 

Again, he IS single. It is impossible for him to be behaving like he's in a committed relationship when he says that he's not ready and he wants to be single. You are being misled, either by him or by your self.

 

On top of that, we behave like a couple but we aren't so how do I deal with this?

 

Yes! There, you said it. You're not a couple. You are giving him all of the benefits of being in a committed relationship with you, without him being committed.

 

He also keeps in touch Susan which makes me feel even more insecure but he assures me that they aren't getting back together and that they don't talk that often. I saw a message a texting her about 3 months ago calling her wifey.

 

Under appropriate circumstances, staying friends with an ex might be fine. Calling his ex-girlfriend 'wifey' sounds like he may be giving her the same lines that he's giving you. Could be that he's telling her that he isn't ready to settle down yet but when he does, she'll be the one; therefore, 'wifey'.

 

I've read he's just not that into you so is this what my love is trying to tell me?

 

H&T, do you really need a book to figure that out? Seems to me all you have to do is listen to the guy's words about wanting to be single. What part of "I would prefer to be single and not be in a relationship with you" is difficult to interpret?

 

As far as protecting my feelings, how can I play the dating game to get what I want?

 

You can't. You're smitten with the guy for some reason so you can't protect your feelings. Further, he's not smitten with you. You can date him and wait around for him and hope that he eventually chooses you and that he also eventually learns to be faithful.

 

Sorry, hon, but you're wasting your time on this guy. Sounds like he's used up a lot of your time and energy already. He knows that he has you locked in.

 

It's time to break free, my dear.

[honour and trust]

I thank all of you for your feedback. Of course, none of you said anything that I didn't already know. In efforts of being honest with myself, I guess I wanted to hear that the times he said he loved me he meant it, and the times we've shared meant something. This is an issue that I've been struggling with emotionally and morally. I have put my foot down several times before exclaiming that I deserve much more and obviously he's not mature enough to appreciate me so I must move on. At first he'd kick, scream, and yell about how much I meant to him and ya da ya da ya da afterawhile he would say okay but call me anywhere from one to three days laters with the same old BS. 'Why would you answer or respond to him?' is what most of you are asking. That little string of hope kept me holding on, I had strong feelings for him so I wanted to believe what he was saying to me was true. I am a manager where I am employed, so when dealing with people in general I understand how they are as a person then deal with them accordingly, more than likely not communicating with each person the same (some are more direct, senstive, lost etc...than others). So I'm accostomed to being understanding...that's just how I am as a person. It works for and against me. So when dealing with this particular guy I take into account what I know of past relationships, his childhood, and everything else and also the fact that I think people change when there is a will and a way. I now realize that I'm not so much helping as I am enabling him to continue acting selfish and taking advantage. I'm not blaming him by any means...I'm allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. Thank you for helping pull me out of the fantasyland I've been living in.

[Grrlish]

H&T:

 

There is nothing wrong with having hope when it comes to love.

 

You'll find the right man for you. Someone one who is deserving and appreciative of you and all of your wonderful qualities.