How much - freedom do I allow?

[wanttoknow]

My wife and I have been having some troubles on and off for a while now - and I am trying my best to do what I can to change me. In the meantime - I want to know what I do with things I feel are inappropriate.

Recently - she has been texting a man from work more and more. Now, we talked about it some this past weekend and she said that she has always treated men the same as women and there is nothing to it. I thought back and agreed somewhat to that, but the difference now is that our relationship is strained, and back then we spent time together! Also, I also thought back that her past history with coworkers or friends did not interfere at home at all. I mean - having her sit there and text people when we are at home or in the car - to me is not appropriate - and really takes some time away from us. I know that if we were in a different spot - it may not seem to bother me much - I do not want to fight about this and do not want to blame the wrong things here either. I know there are things that I can continue to do better! At the same time - I want her to feel more independent and not guilty about being out of the house - she said she wants me to trust her and if a guy ever stepped over the line that she would deal with it. I just do not know - looking for some advice on what some women would want - and I want to be more strong in this because I think I have been too wishy washy at times.

Right now - sure seems like I am trying to control too much - I am just looking for some input again. Thank you!

[PandorasBox]

Does she text this guy infront of you? Have you seen the texts between them both? If there is nothing to it like she tells you, then she has no problem letting you see the texts.

 

How much do you know about this other guy? She told you if a guy ever stepped over the line she would deal with? Did she tell you HOW she would deal with it?

[wanttoknow]

Yea - I know when they are texting - it is not always when I am around and she pretty much knows that I will check at any point and time - which leads to some guilt on my part because I do check the phone records at times to see what is going on -

 

If we spent more time - one - on - one then I do not think I would have many issues with that - but I am quite paranoid right now. My counselor is trying to make sure that I know that I am worth being loved and I just kind of slip from time to time.

 

If I take more initiative, I feel like that would be more important right now.

[PandorasBox]

You said you and your wife have been having some troubles on and off again for awhile. What kind of troubles?

[wanttoknow]

well - we kind of got in a rut and for bunch of years kind of spiraled out due to some financial things - within the past year and a half I have been going to counseling due to some codependency issues that I have found within myself and she has some issues she brought in as well from her family struggles.

 

So - nothing has ever pointed to affairs, but at the same time - I am trying to be a good man to her and I just do not want my paranoia to get the best of me.

 

Right now too, we really are communicating better - but I do not see the need to have extra things outside of the home - if we are going to re-commit, then I feel like these relationships take time away.

 

I am trying not to be impatient.

[whichwayisup]

if we are going to re-commit, then I feel like these relationships take time away.

Make sure she knows this because the more time she spending chatting to another man, getting to know him, sharing stuff IS taking away from you and the marriage.

 

Ask her how she would feel if you were chatting to another woman in the same sense of what she is doing. I bet she would feel hurt and jealous, want to know what is being discussed and why you feel the need to find attention from another woman.

[PandorasBox]

Well your marriage is already on vulnerable ground becasue you all are having some isuses, which makes HER more vulnerable as well, and she could fall into an affair real easy possibly.

 

I think while you both are trying to re connect and work on your marraige, that is where her head and focus needs to be, not on texting another man. Her texting him, and talking with him is taking away the main focus of your relationship right now.

 

I really think it the shoe were on the other foot, she wouldn't want you texting another woman and focusing on that.

[wanttoknow]

you make a good point - and I will talk to her about it - in reference to our past conversation where she is treating this just like any other person.

 

Honestly - it is never about something "brewing" - it is more just about why I do not receive that kind of attention -

 

I am jealous of that - and she has withdrawn to a place where she does not want to reconnect fully it seems.

 

She is looking for a lot more consistency from me - taking my full responsibilities and dealing with money better - I let a lot of things go - and she knows it goes both ways, but in the end I am just wanting my wife back and to do whatever it takes - I love her - but whenever I say it, it is never returned

[whichwayisup]

Something more is going on between her and this guy - Or it is about to be ... She's spending energy on HIM instead of you.

 

Stand up to her and just tell her enough is enough. She's in an affair fog or something and isn't thinking about you, the marriage or what she is doing except that WHAT she is doing makes HER feel good.

 

Get pissed off, show her that you won't put up with it. People don't change unless they suffer some kind of consquence. If you stay quiet and allow her to continue chatting away, she'll just distance herself from you more and more.

[wanttoknow]

When I have brought it up in the past, she is saying that I need to just deal with the fact that she will have friends that are guys -

 

I really am somewhat in agreement with standing up to her this time. She does not think that this is taking away, but at the same time admits to being somewhat selfish. She is also wanting to spend some more time out with the girls too - again how much of a leash do I allow -

 

I really, really, hate this!

[carhill]

OP, what if the recipient of the texts were female and the content was complaints about your relationship? Any difference in your perspective on that? If so, what and why?

[whichwayisup]

When I have brought it up in the past, she is saying that I need to just deal with the fact that she will have friends that are guys -

I really am somewhat in agreement with standing up to her this time. She does not think that this is taking away, but at the same time admits to being somewhat selfish. She is also wanting to spend some more time out with the girls too - again how much of a leash do I allow -

 

I really, really, hate this!

 

Yeah but she EXCLUDES YOU from her male friends. I'm sorry but the men friends I have in my life, are friends with my husband as well. They are included. Your wife is sneaking off and acting very inappropriately, she knows this and that IS why she is saying what she's saying.

 

Scare her, stand up to her and make her understand that she has to stop spending so much time with other men.

[blair08]

"She is just saying I ned to deal with the fact she will have friends that are guys."

 

Sure, women can have guy friends. However when the marriage is in trouble, that should come first, not "guy friends." Plus her statement could also be used as a justification of something else that could be going on.

 

"again how much leash do I allow?"

 

Enough to hang herself with. I'm sorry, but it takes two to work on a marriage, and to me it doesn't seem she is.

[wanttoknow]

In response to CH - I would not have a problem with her befriending a woman to confide in - I believe it is necessary to be able to do that. Give us a different perspective - similar to why I am even here in the first place.

 

So I would not have a problem with it - does anybody else see a problem with that?

[whichwayisup]

IT is different if she was talking to a woman friend. That's platonic, innocent and no chance of her falling or getting feelings. Please don't mix up regular and healthy friendships with her chatting to OM that you don't know or haven't met.

[blair08]

Here is something you could ask her. Not in an accusatory way of course.

 

Ask her if you can meet her new guy friend. Watch her reaction when you ask. See if you really do get to meet him, and if so how she acts around him.

 

Also, you say she wants more time out with girls. Tell her you don't mind as long as she can tell you where her and the girls will be. Then maybe you should just show up. I think you already know her heart and soul isn't completley on fixing this marriage, so why not find out more of what you already possibly suspect.

[wanttoknow]

it does seem to me more and more that she is just out to do things for her right now - even today - I sent her a great and nice email and got nothing in response.

 

and...she has talked about this guy to me and shared some things- and I got the feeling last time that she is wanting me to trust her - but I just do not want this to carry on - my gut - however paranoid is telling me that I need to step in soon!

[JackJack]

it does seem to me more and more that she is just out to do things for her right now - even today - I sent her a great and nice email and got nothing in response.

 

and...she has talked about this guy to me and shared some things- and I got the feeling last time that she is wanting me to trust her - but I just do not want this to carry on - my gut - however paranoid is telling me that I need to step in soon!

 

You didn't get a response because its not where her mind is. Its ON someone else.

 

If you feel something is not right, then trust your gut and go with that.

[wanttoknow]

okay - I do see what you are all saying -

 

where do you see the line being a difference to me trying to be controlling and what we are discussing here?

 

I can't make her love me again I guess - but sure does not seem like she has room for me either - I am tired of feeling this way!

[porter218]

IT is different if she was talking to a woman friend. That's platonic, innocent and no chance of her falling or getting feelings. Please don't mix up regular and healthy friendships with her chatting to OM that you don't know or haven't met.

Not necesarily. .

[wanttoknow]

yes - I understand that - but because of her life and struggles with dad - I know that she continues to search out healthy male relationships - this is what continually has me on guard -

 

She is not going to see this the same way whatsoever!

[carhill]

IT is different if she was talking to a woman friend. That's platonic, innocent and no chance of her falling or getting feelings. Please don't mix up regular and healthy friendships with her chatting to OM that you don't know or haven't met.

What if that energy and attention and outside input are unhealthy for the marriage? The OP mentioned time away from him and the M and ignoring him. What's the difference to him whether the person the energy directed towards is male or female?

 

I'm trying to discern his core perspective. If he's being territorial, that's his perspective. In that case, don't sweeten it. Be real about it.

 

I have much experience with women wanting things both ways. Hence my challenge here. Even platonic friendships can be unhealthy ones for a marriage. I think you know what I mean.

[wanttoknow]

CH - is what you are trying to say basically that because she would not be handling that with me and dealing with other friends is also taking away?

 

I am trying to make sure - outside of the sexual parts - that I am hearing you correctly -

 

So is there a difference to what I am doing now? am I going outside of the box too much? should I be just dealing with it?

 

To me, I am not - I am trying to find other perspectives before I do anything that is potentially damaging again.

 

I keep praying and I am affirmed, to me, that things will be okay - but I know there are things that I need and want to do to make sure that we make it as a family!

[JackJack]

okay - I do see what you are all saying -

 

where do you see the line being a difference to me trying to be controlling and what we are discussing here?

 

I can't make her love me again I guess - but sure does not seem like she has room for me either - I am tired of feeling this way!

 

I don't see where you're being controlling really. I see where you're trying to work on the marriage, and that you have some concerns about what is going on with your wife.

[carhill]

What I'm asking from you is clarity about your perspective. Exactly, specifically why this is bothering you. Is it the potential sexuality? Is it the betrayal of intimacy? Is it a stranger knowing your business? Why does the stranger's gender matter.

 

Trust me, I'm not sticking up for your wife here; rather, I wish for you to be clear about your motivations so you can find a path which works for your circumstance.

 

Let me try an example of an alternative scenario. Say you have a close guy friend. You guys talk a lot. He knows your business. He knows you're having some issues with your wife. You spend more time with him than your other male friends. He sympathizes and gives you advice about your M and what he'd do. He's a bro, so you take his words to heart. You start looking at your W differently. You start seeing your M differently. Perhaps he's even divorced and his ex cleaned him out. That colors his advice.

 

Do you understand what I'm getting at here? This is what women do every day with their girlfriends. This is how they balance power, by strength in numbers and networking. It's purely platonic (they're not "doing" each other) but such perspective can still be damaging to a M. You know what they say about husbands and boyfriends...they're transitory, but a girlfriend is forever? Think about what's behind that.

 

What's your perspective?

 

Are you afraid she's going to ditch you to bone him? Remember, this is fear; it is, no matter what kind of lipstick you put on it. If so, own that. Tell her straight out how you feel and what you want.

 

Are you, alternatively, afraid that she's giving someone else (regardless of gender) increasing importance in her life, at the expense of the M? If so, own that. Be clear with her about why you are afraid. Don't send mixed messages. I hate when women do that, so let's set an example here.

 

Busy week in MC, it was