How much - freedom do I allow?

[wanttoknow]

Just want to clarify that it is not really secretive - I hear about him or have been with other guy friends as well. If we were not struggling right now, I would not put up such a stink, but when you tell me that you can't give me the friendship that I deserve based on the questions about us, then I do not see how you can put the time and energy elsewhere then - things need to be built and re-built where the focus comes on what we need to do and not escaping to other friends.

 

By all means, this is a two way street - and I want to show her that I am willing, committed, and focused on the marriage.

 

I also agree with WW in the sense that now I will begin trying to do some things for just the two of us to change how our interactions are.

 

we are working on it!

[PandorasBox]

She knows you're working on it. Hopefully she will as well. I think what they mean by secretive is, if they are just friends she should have no problem introducing you to him, you know letting you meet him, all of you hang out kind of thing. If she refuses to do that or is hesitant, then something is up.

[wanttoknow]

Understood - thank you! Makes sense!

[The Collector]

Wow, I seem to be in a minority of one in thinking your wife and you should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. Even if your relationship is not perfect at the moment, forcing her to cut contact with a platonic 'pressure release' friend might make her feel trapped down the line.

 

If insecurity, paranoia and co-dependency issues make it impossible for you to be comfortable with it, I suppose your wife should respect that and cut off contact - but long-term, such insecure behaviour could make you seem weak and unattractive in her eyes. But then again she may respect you setting up some boundaries.

 

Having said that, the frequency of contact might get irritating to anyone. If it's every day, it's too much. If it's a couple of times a week, I wouldn't mind.

 

Bottom line - if she's looking for a way out, and there's something deceitful happening between these two, your ultimatum might not make much difference.

[orangesean]

There is a problem with you and how you are answering everyone here that people seem to be missing or letting slide. You aren't directly answering anyone's questions here for the most part but keep going on about paranoia.

 

Just want to clarify that it is not really secretive - I hear about him or have been with other guy friends as well. If we were not struggling right now, I would not put up such a stink, but when you tell me that you can't give me the friendship that I deserve based on the questions about us, then I do not see how you can put the time and energy elsewhere then - things need to be built and re-built where the focus comes on what we need to do and not escaping to other friends.

 

You need to directly confront this. Whether you "hear" about this guy or have hung out with other guy friends of hers, it doesn't matter, you obviously are having a problem with this ONE GUY. No other guy pertains to how you feel about him. Plenty of people in this forum all say to trust your intuition. The fact that you feel there is something wrong and your wife is acting sort of defensive and non apologetic no matter what is enough for concern.

 

Someone already told you in this thread to ask your wife if you can hang out with her and her guy friend together. You never even tried. You didn't even acknowledge the person who told you to do so. I suggest you try right now.

 

Also someone else in this thread asked you what the text messages said twice. Both times you ignored or indirectly answered the question. Answer clearly, did you or did you not read the text messages? And if so what did the text messages say? It's important you answer everything here.

 

Opposite sex friendships in marriage are tricky and in my opinion they should be allowed to be cut off if a partner feels threatened. Of course this doesn't usually happen if there is already trust and honest as well as a good dose of open communication. Your relationship does not have trust and does not have open communication. Now the question here is: Is the honesty there?

 

And since she's supposed to stop texting this "friend" you need to put your foot down and stop constantly beating around the bush. Just be assertive if there is a problem. Don't feel guilty for bringing up a problem. Or would you rather cry and let it eat you up all day? If there is a friend threatening your marriage, it does not take time to "adjust" from it. She must quit cold turkey and you guys need to start talking.

 

Also beware of her hiding texts and friend's phone number after that. Cell's are dangerous things for marriages.

[Syrrah]

Have you thought that while you seek help on this board and with a counsellor that she's maybe getting her support and help from her co-workers. Perhaps a male perspective on how things are going and what's happening? Just a thought.

[wanttoknow]

Some have asked for some more specific responses.

 

Have I seen the text messages? Yes - is there anything alarming in them? No.

 

Since we spoke, she has told me that she understands where I am coming from, and at the same time there is nothing going on besides her just having some jokes once and a while.

 

So...I believe I am paying for not putting my feelings out there sooner, but really - this is not a new thing. She says she does not love me anymore. Did I know that before all of this began? yes. I took this behavior to task mainly because I felt like things were not progressing at all. I wanted to get into some counseling again. She did decide to do that again.

 

She is looking for more financial stability which unfortunately I have not been able to do. It is a team effort to bring us to this point, but I have not fulfilled that end of the bargain.

 

I woke this morning feeling like I need to let her go more and more and trust that if we are going to make it that she has to decide that on her own. Will I object to being out with another guy? yes - but I will tell her it is her decision. I need to make sure that I am doing more for me and improving myself. If I let this consume me anymore - then we will be done for sure and I will be further behind in other areas of my life. What I want to do is work on my inner strength and responsibilities so that I will hopefully become 'attractive' to her once again. Hopefully she will be able to see my good qualities instead of focusing on what I struggle with.

[whichwayisup]

She says she doesn't love you anymore but she IS getting something by talking to this guy. It may look innocent, and from what conversations you've seen, it looks safe, but she IS definately enjoying the ego side of it and who knows if she is starting to or has feelings for this other guy.

[carhill]

What I want to do is work on my inner strength and responsibilities so that I will hopefully become 'attractive' to her once again. Hopefully she will be able to see my good qualities instead of focusing on what I struggle with.

Most importantly, do it for yourself. You can't control her or her feelings or actions. The confidence which comes from your work will give you clarity, both about yourself and your M. It will also give you strength to make tough decisions and stick with them, whatever they may be.