I want to reach out to her, show her I still care: What Should I do?

[mrw_1967]

I'm 36. My ex g/f is 24. She broke up with me 3 months ago. I was fine with it at first. She called me after 3 weeks, and wanted to see me again. We did for 3 days, and things were good. At the end of the third day, she asked if we were back together. I knew this was a bad sign, and she said then she wanted to keep seeing me, but she wanted to see other people too.

 

We had been together for 2 yrs, and I didnt see how dating others would help us. At least I knew it wouldnt help me. She had been looking on the internet since our breakup for new people, and in the 3 weeks she had already met 2 or more people. But she also told me she was upset and angry at me because I wasnt planning for our future. My head was spinning. She was giving me so many mixed signals. I felt like a complete fool. After we broke up, I didnt even try to meet anyone else. We got into a fight about it at the end of that 3rd day, and that was that.

 

I called her three weeks later and asked if we could be friends and she said yes. I made sure I was upbeat and positive, and didnt let my desire to have her back show through. She called me soon after that, and we saw each other just to hang out as friends. It was a bit awkward, and obvious to me she didnt want anything more. I emailed her a few days later, and mentioned I had a nice time seeing her again. She didnt even acknowledge our meeting, but went on to tell me what a great weekend she had(without me, mind you), and how fine she was doing. The fact that she didnt even want to mention she and I ticked me off. I sent back an email, bringing up the past, blaming her for the break up. Needless to say, it got ugly. No communication since.

 

 

I'm a big part of the reason we broke up. I got complacent, lazy with our relationship, took her for granted. But I truly realize that, and woudlnt make those mistakes again. She was quick tempered, and analytical, picking apart everything I would say. In the beginning SHE was the one pushing for a relationship, to be serious, etc. I was hesitant.

 

 

 

Problem is, I feel like I still love her, and want to be with her. I dont know if she is dating anyone, or what. I cant call her. I'd feel like a fool. I feel in my heart that she doesnt want me. I want to reach out to her, show her I still care, and have hope for the future. I'm not sure if I should.

 

 

THe fact that she started looking for others so quickly is a bad sign, isnt it? If she wanted me back, she would let me know. I'm thinking I should just cut my losses and move on. But thinking about her is driving me nuts.

 

I guess I know its too late, but just would like some other opinions.

[grounded]

First, just because she started looking for someone else so soon doesn't mean she does not still care. It is just that was her greatest need at that time--space and perhaps going out with someone without the pressures that come with a 2 yr relationship. So, don't think there is no future just because of that. A person just sometimes goes with what their greatest need is for that second, not what is best in the long run.

 

Being that she broke up with you, you have to allow her to make the 1st move about further communication. But you should apologize for blaming her. Just send her a short letter, without begging, and apologize. Try to look at it through her eyes and tell her you understand why she needed to break up, etc. Don't mention trying to get back together or that you expect a reply. The goal should be to let her know you are sorry in a respectful way, show her you understand how she feels and you understand why she feels that way (if you do) without making her feel pressured or guilty in any way. Tell her you want her to be happy and allow her to go with what she thinks will make her happy no matter what it is.

 

You can't get her back now. The only way you may be able to get her back in the future is to give her all the time she needs. Be patient. People get back together after months apart. Just apologize without begging and cut off all contact.

 

Hope this helps.

[mrw_1967]

Thanks grounded.

 

I've considered writing a letter. Tell her how I feel, that I understand. I'm worried it would essentially be bringing it up again. I've decided to just let it go for awhile longer and see what happens. If I hear from her, then I'll take it from there. At least that's how I feel right now.

 

I think in her heart, she knows how much I care for her. Besides that, she's recently moved, and didnt give me the address. Same city, but I'm not sure where she is. I gotta believe that's a sign. A bad sign. I'm trying to get on with my life, and not dwell. It just seems I cant forget.

 

I appreciate the reply, and welcome any more comments and opinions.

[missingher]

Back off, shell have to come to you. Let her know though, without letting too much time pass, that you are sorry, and you know what your faults are, without sounding like you want something from her. Let her know that you were wrong, but that you are cutting your losses and moving on. Then back off. Once she's over the hurt and anger of you taking her for granted, she'll start to remember why she loved you. Then you might have a chance. This might take awhile though. Weeks or months. But it does happen. Just hope for the best and go on expecting the worst.