Sucidal Thoughts Because of my Ex

[silverspeed]

Hi everyone I really need advice. Sorry so long but plz read!

 

Currently, I'm 23 and ex is almost 21, we meet each other 2 years ago. I was dating like 4 girls when we first meet and after the second date with her I stopped dating other girls and we both decided that we should be exclusive. We were totally in love and always together everyday. After one year of being together with minor problems we decided that we should live together which was awesome. All of our dreams where coming true, thoughts of marriage etc...

Living together was great for the first six months. I bought all kinds of stuff that I thought we could use when we get married and get a house together. I bought expensive furniture and went as far as buying her a new car.

 

Then it happened my stress levels were really high with dealing with the Coast Guard (my job). I had family problems with inheritance and medical problems. In result I took a lot of stress out on her in the way of dumb arguments that don't mean anything and picking on the smallest of things. Then one day I found out that she had been talking/chatting with guys online behind my back relaying all the problems about me (3rd Occasion) and when I looked at the info from the guys online, I knew what their intentions, she was with me and noticed it once I pointed it out. Questions like what's your body type or location etc...Not questions that friends have with each other. She was innocent though but the guys she was talking to were not. This made me so mad after all the things I sacrificed for her and all the things I've done for her. So I did some irrational things like yelling, stomping around punching things and shoved her out of the way, I said things I didn't mean and regret. I drove off in the car that I bought her to blow off some steam. I came back and we got into a long argument, about her not wanted to go to Minnesota with me.

 

This is the bombshell for me.....2 months before she left me, we went to Minnesota for the weekend. I'm originally from there but I'm stationed in Maryland with the Coast Guard. And I meet her in Maryland where she is from. I was getting out of the Military in 3 months and we wanted to find an apartment and give her an opportunity to check out the University and area. (I found out later if I asked her to marry me there she would have said yes The visit went great we found an awesome apartment I put the deposit down etc. We got our orientation dates for school set up. Things were looking great.

 

When we got back I continued with my picking on small things nothing too major. The major concern was her lack of affection towards me. It was always me initiating contact. (Later I found out that last month we were together of her not being affectionate was because of a month long period which I didn't understand and turned out to be a miscarriage from what she told me after the break up, I felt like crap to say the least) And a lot of the times the evenings consisted of me playing computer games while she read a book. Weekends we went out to eat and went to the movies. She was happy that I was staying at home playing computer games than going out with the guys doing who knows. Then one night when I got off the computer she actually showed interest in me and we slept together and thought everything was going well now.

 

The next day I got home from work and I saw her car I bought her which was weird because I got home earlier than her. When I went inside I was in complete shock all her stuff was gone. All of it even our cat that we had together. All that was left was a Dear John letter..... I couldn't believe it. I was in complete silence and just start crying. In less than 30 days we were suppose to move to Minnesota and go to school together and I was finally leaving the Military after 4 years. All arrangments were made on the apartment. In the letter she said that she needed out and it's best that we part ways. She still wants to be friends possibly more later, and for me to go on to school and be successful. My whole life was gone, we spent ALL of our time together and I was planning on asking her to marry me when we got there. She meant so much to my life over the last two years.

 

So of course for about 2 weeks after I tried getting her back in all the wrong emotional ways. We went out for dinner a few times and she helped me with favors. We talked on the phone a number of times. I asked, pleaded that I needed a second chance to make things right. It took me something this painful to realize what I need to change. I did a lot of things that I didn't too often while trying to get her back. Flowers to her work, candle light dinner at our old place, massage, and dancing etc... We would kiss each other passionately. The main reason she told me that she would not come back was that she was confused and advice from her family/friends that from their experience guys don't change. They have no idea what I have changed since the break up.

 

After about 3 weeks of us seeing each other, I didn't receive any return phone calls and being avoided. I showed up at her work just to make sure that she's okay. That's when she told me that she has a boyfriend/seeing someone. This new made me cry so badly in a way I never had before. I dressed up that day and was going to take her to a really high class restaurant that day. On the way home I had thoughts of just driving off a bridge and had thoughts of just giving up on life.

 

I decided that wasn't in my best interests so I did positive things like going out on dates with other girls, working out and reading self help books. I could not get her off my mind and broke down and called her and left voicemails. She and I would talk about normal chit chat like friends and talk about our feelings to a point. It was cool then I realized that being her friend hurt me so bad because I wanted to be with her. So we decided to meet for coffee and talk about things she was surprised when I told her I don't want to be friends and that we should go our separate ways. The 30 minute coffee session lasted for 4 hours of crying and kissing each other again. She expressed again that she's still confused and still wants me as a part of her life as a friend. I gave in and said okay two days later we had a short lunch and didn't talk about our relationship and we smiled and laughed a lot just like old times. So before we left she and we both said we really enjoyed each other’s company. So we said we should set something up this week or weekend. All these times talking and meeting she didn't mention the other guy she's seeing.

 

We both agreed that we should do something this past Saturday lunch or dinner to catch up and see how things are with each other. We talked Thursday and told her to call me Friday to set up a time. She never called on Friday or Saturday. I felt so depressed on Saturday that I resulted in drinking alcohol by myself and being alone. I didn't understand why she couldn't just call me and cancel like I left in a voicemail. She never did call me back until last night (wednesday)......After I left a voicemail last night on her phone crying telling how I felt and how sorry I was and told her how drastically I've changed. (I've been reading, working out, talking to friends a lot, seen a doctor, and seeing a counselor) I didn't say that I've been put on anti-depressants; I just can't result to alcohol like I have been. The phone call was a final good bye. Also I told her I would be in Maryland another year because I can't go to school like this, and secretly to myself I was hoping we could get back together hopefully. That night I put away all of her letters and pictures and erased her number from my cell. And all night I spent crying listening to country music of course. It's finally over I said to myself.

 

This is where I need help! To my surprise she actually called back that night and left two voicemails. She said that she wasn't avoiding me per say she's just been busy with her life. She said that she can't see me in person because it makes her feel confused, and it isn't fair to the person she is seeing. Also when we talk on the phone and I pressure her to see me. Which isn't totally true because when ever I metion seeing each other see agrees. She says that she cries a lot and is upset all the time and can't tell the guy that she is seeing that she's still in love with her ex-boyfriend. She said that she listens to the CD I made her everyday and is lost for words at times. More importantly she said that she has always and still wants me to be a part of her life and wants to be friends. Friends mainly by phone to talk about what going on with each other’s life and problems. The whole time listening to her voice mail she had a feeling less tone to her voice like it was a business call. But said to leave a voicemail and tell her how I'm doing.

 

The whole time I listened to her voicemail I could feel my chest area burning/pressure and would kind of lose feeling in my arms. Today after hearing the news last night, I took off work I can't work like this. She hasn't mention the other guy since the 7th of July now all my thoughts in my head are her with another guy ......sleeping with, kissing and going out having fun. These thoughts devastate me and I get to the normal crying but now I have this burning sensation around my chest area. Does anyone else know what this is or has experienced this before? This thoughts are so hurtful that I was about to stop at a gun shop today, which is scary because I really can't take this anymore, she was my everything and I lost her and it was my fault and won't get a 2nd chance. And to top it off she's off with someone else doing things I wished I could be doing with her. I still live in the same place where we spent the last year and still haven't sold the car. Not only that but I put off continuing college for another year because of this.

 

 

I guess my main question is what should I do with her last voicemail to me? Should I call her back at all? And be a phone friend to only talk about normal chit chat? Or leave a strong good bye voice mail telling her what she's missing out on and will regret later, because my last one was weak with my crying, and I feel that she got the best of me. Is there a chance we might get back together and she's with rebound? I'm just so hurt inside and now physically I don't know what to do....... Thanks for reading if you made it this far.

[cliche_boy]

time heals all, before you kill yaself try the time thing 1st. Life moves on. If ya dont believe me - atleast try it.

[cliche_boy]

oh and yeah i read all of that sorry. Go the dont be her friend, end things, it will feel like a huge emotional burdon off your shoulders, if you keep her around, the burdon is still there. Get rid of the burdon and you'll feel alot better, alot more relieved and comfortable that there is no pain. Wel, not NO pain but less neways.

[luvmyboys]

Regardless whether you decide to call her back or not, please do not end your life over another person. I don't know what to tell you except that I think you seriously need some therapy or you might just try calling the suicide help line.

 

It's very hard to remain friends after a love affair, so if it were me, I'd just cut all ties and move on...meaning staying busy, get out and meet people and take things slower when you do get serious again with someone.

 

Life is precious, ending it all would only hurt your family terribly and those who love you. You've got your whole life ahead of you, nobody's life is without pain. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please get some help.

[silverspeed]

Thank you for you input my friends that are guys told me that I should cut all ties now. But some close friends that are girls so maybe I should consider being friends. For last two years my ex and I both cut ties with everyone else, it was us two against the world so to speak. "We were each others' everything" It's one of those things that I know that if I could turn back time or had just one opportunity at us being together I know everything well be perfect. This cliche scenario runs through my head and I know in my heart it's true if it would happen. I just keep thinking maybe there is a hope but I'm to hurt to even work now and the pains I get thinking about her with another guy are just too much for me to handle.

 

I am recently taking anti-depressants prescribed by a doctor only on my 3rd day. I never had been on any medication before Next Tuesday I'm going to see counselor of some sort referred by my doctor. It's been 2 months since the final move out but my world had been turned upside down.

 

Thank for your replies it truly means the world to me. Sorry for spelling suicidal wrong. I am out of it

[luvmyboys]

I'll be thinking of you, I have a son almost the same age as you and I can't imagine my life without him. Keep your chin up and get the help you need. Just by expressing your feelings, you've taken the first step.

[Immortal No More]

I know how you feel....today the love of my life (3 and a half years together) told me she was with someone else now, and she told me goodbye. I wont go into detail, this is your thread. She has talked me out of suicide before, and today, all I wanted to do was go and take drugs (im a recovering addict) and I even thought about killing myself. After a half day at work, which I just got home from, I realized she isnt worth my death. You need to realize the same.

 

My advice for you is:

 

1. call her and tell her you will be away for a while. (week, two weeks, anything so that you lose contact with her for a while)

2. when you get back from your little vacation away from calling her, you need to give her a call, just to say hi, make sure shes ok, tell her you are doing well. (5 minutes tops)

3. go out, not necessarily on dates, but go out with your friends guys and girls and just have a good time...go bowling or to a movie...whatever you like.

 

 

It will make you feel better I think. It did for me the first time, i went through a serious end to a serious relationship.

[SpEiZ]

I know how you feel and I've been there myself. I also took Paxil for a while, but ended it, cause those pills made me act like a fool.

 

All I can say is that things are getting better by time...it's been about 3 months for me now, and I feel much better already. Knowing that I wanted to kill myself, just makes me feel sad now. Killing yourself leads to many more victims than yourself.

 

If breaking contact with her is an option for you, you HAVE to do it. I have a daughter, which means I must have contact with my ex. If it hasn't been for my daughter, I would never even talk to my ex again.

 

Take care & good luck

[silverspeed]

I must say that hearing from you people has helped knowing that I'm not alone. Which is a feeling I'm not use to and find the hardest to deal with. It's just so depressing that I still think about the whole relationship and her before I go to bed and when I wake up. It's driving me mad and people around me noticed my big lack of interest in everything even after 2 months.

 

I did call her back and of course I only got her voicemail and left one about what's going on with my life and how I'm doing in general and more importantly that I'm sorry. She hasn't called me back and it's been 3 days. You people were right I shouldn't have called her at all. Now I can't understand why she can't call me just for 10 minutes to see how things are. Oh well I'm a big baby and need more time I guess. It's only been 2 months and I hope that as the months go by I can feel better and forget hopefully plz say they do.

[yes]

of course you'll forget! don't worry much about it... just set some immediate goals for yourself - e.g. get into an exercising routine, make sure you're eating healthy, make sure your car is in good condition if you're that kind of guy, or re-decorate your home, take baths of different flavours every day, etc - whatever rocks your boat. I'm a girl, and my above e.g.'s are more suitable for gals, but i'm sure you get the drift =)

 

and if some days you just feel sad - that's perfectly fine! take a cool shower, drink a cuppa coffee, and do something nice for somebody.

 

good luck,

-yes

[lost]

I know what your going through silverspeed, it's been just over two months since my gf of 6yrs broke up with me, and she's currently been seeing someone else too.

 

I suppose that it's only natural to think about about a relationship that you've dedicated the last couple of years of your life to, but you have to admit that the hurt is slowly beginning to fade isn't it? I'm sure you've been told that time will heal, and there's no doubt that it will, only problem is that time just drags on so slowly doesn't? All that we can do is just hang it there, and take it one day it a time.

 

It doesn't help to dwell on the past for too long, it'll only depresses you more. As others have said keep yourself occupied, tried reading a book in bed? It's better than just lying there and thinking.

 

You should agonise about why she doesn't call. Not sure if this will be helpful, but this is the approach I take, if she's happy doing what she's doing, then you should be happy for her, and if she can't be bothered to give you a call to see how you are, then why should you be bothered with her. She's out there enjoying herself not thinking about you, so shouldn't you go out and do the same? Easier said than done i know...

 

And also, this might sound a bit harsh, but it's a different was of looking at things, think of the girl that loved u, and that loved u as being dead, she's gone so u must accept it. There's nothing u can do. You've mourned and grieved and shed enough tears for her, but you have to go on with things. Remember the good times that you had, but move on, and get on with life, she already has.

 

Anyway hope my ramblings are of some help, I know wot you're going though and I know that thing's are easier said than done, but we must perservere.

 

Still going to college next year/term? You should, think of it as a fresh start and a chance to occupy yourself with new things.

 

Take care of yourself.

[Oxydol]

silverspeed, I am so sorry for your pain. It probably will be of little comfort to let you know that everyone experiences what you have in their lives. I know I have.

 

Take the time to grieve, over eat, watch too much television...do what you need to do to get through the days as long as doesn't have a detrimental effect on you.

 

You're still very young and this is just one of the hurdles you're going to have to face in the romance department. Love happens when it happens, and it goes away when it goes away. There are no quick fixes.

 

Avoid any communication with your former flame. Each time you have contact, it will only draw fresh blood and you'll continue to fall deeper into the black pit.

 

Hold your head up high at all times. The very fact that you are capable of loving another human being is a great thing. Many people out there cannot.

 

I wish you well.