Ladyjane14 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 It's about building new relationship HABITS that allow the love to flow. hmmm ... could it be considered a kind of positive reinforcement kind of thing? And more... because if the love is blocked behind a dam of resentment and hard feelings, it allows for a "unplugging" of the dam. You can't force Love. But you CAN force Sympathy. Sympathy is an emotion that most of us can access readily if we apply a little elbow grease. And Sympathy can evolve to Empathy. First thing we know, we understand how our partner is feeling and we can see him a little more clearly. Next thing we know, we find reciprocation and the love can flow. I don't agree that Infatuation makes our love three-dimensional though. I think what makes it so, is this ability to empathize, to feel connected and comforted, understood and accepted.... to feel like we belong to something more than just our selves. It becomes the marriage trinity, each partner as individuals PLUS the 'something more' of being a couple, all existing on the same plane. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Infatuation = pedestal Just so I'm clear, I'm not in any way referring to infatuation as a cogent component of romantic chemistry or the third dimension. IMO, infatuation is a signal of the possibilities and potentials. It is not reality. I see it merely as a signpost, inviting me to stop and observe and experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 I wonder if maybe "ILYBINILWY" feels worse to some than "I don't love you anymore and want to end it" because it has an element of...pity or condescension to it? Kind of like "You aren't hot enough for me to want to have sex with, but I still want to be friends." I don't know. Just a thought. I can see how it might feel "worse" than a total clean break, no explanation given. Although, I can also see how a very confused person might also really believe they are having that exact feeling. I guess the take home point is that, to the receiver of such a statement, it might be better to just make a clean break of it...and leave the ambiguity of that statement (ILYBINILWY) out of the whole discussion. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 It's all about closure. I love you, but I'm not in love offers hope. Hope can destroy someone emotionally. It takes an extreme amount of respect and love for someone to accept that statement, because it doesn't tell the whole truth. Being "IN" love is just the perception of the relationship. A couple can have completely different perspectives on where there relationship stands. When there is such a fundamental difference in the way two people in a relationship feel, there is a ton of powerful emotions that are generated. Keep in mind, I'm a man so my perspective is from a male standpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
the2gman Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 the "marriage trinity". I never heard that term but I like it. I think that was my problem. As a matter of fact I know it was. I just saw us as a couple not 3 disticnt entities with different needs for each entity. I'm gonna chew on this term for a bit. And I'm going to learn from it. Hopefully not too late. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 The problem with the "ILYBNIOWY" set is that they are focused exclusively on their own emotional response to stimuli. They rely on "data input" from another person for their happiness and contentment. ... "ILYBNILWY"...seems an evasion of growth One could as easily say that people who reject "ILYB" as a feeling that is worthy of being explored are looking to their externals to fulfill their needs, are in denial of their own need for growth, are wanting to have a say in the 'when' and 'how' of the other's growth and expansion, etc., etc. Regardless of which position one takes, such statements (for or against) are just too general to be accurate. Perhaps it is as much about the very personal, unique, individual ways in which we each feel and express "love" and "in love", our beliefs, definitions, expectations, and our ever-changing needs, desires & goals? Perhaps it just is that there are no generalizations that can be made? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 What if "fake it till you make it" turns out to be some crackpot's idea of just a cute rhyme? oh, it's real. ... I think it's a reminder that we don't just act or give up without a fair assessment of said problem. Ah! Okay...it's a cute rhyme about determination, persistence, holding one's self accountable, and taking care of personal responsibilities & obligations -- THAT makes sense total to me. But the word "fake" has negative connotations, when applied to human behaviour and how one acts in relationships...that's the part that I took issue with, as counseling "advice". If MC's are also giving clients these kinds of examples and words to help with the clients' understanding then...cool! Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Perhaps it just is that there are no generalizations that can be made? Even that one? Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Well, having been in the receiving end of "ILUBINILWU" and classics such as: "I'm just not good at being married" "I'm setting yiou free so you can find someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved." and other hits... My take on it is simple.. translation "I still kinda care about you but you just don't make my panties wet or my heart speed up anymore. Sorry.. better luck next time." It loss of attraction plain and simple. Of course the reasons behind it all can be resentments, stress and anything else that can go awry in a relationship. If there is an affair that's a symptom of the bigger issue or that person just can't be and chooses not to be sexually monogamous. In fact my ex even told me the panties part in a way... yikes... I won't lie.. it did a number on my self confidence. But I survive and will thrive. She came from a family of multiple divorces and remarriages.. it's what she knew. Her sister even left her second husband to go back to the first one. Her dad was married at least four times. Her mother left her father suddenly and without warning.. the same way my ex did me. That's what she had as relationship role models. My parents, aunts, uncles etc all stayed till death do you part. That's what I learned from my role models. We're they glad they did? I'll never know but my dad says he is. If I ever go down that road again I'm going to look a lot closer at that persons family life growing up. Just my opinion FWIW. Link to post Share on other sites
the2gman Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 SUMDUDE... I agree with you about the looking into someones family a little deeper. My W came from a terrible background, I think her mom married 5 times. All of her kids were shuffled from this house to the next. Absolutely no stability or family cohesion. Add to that abuse of all sorts. And no counseling to date. As I write this out it kinda makes me cheap to use her background as an excuse for the failure in our marriage. SOunds like I am looking for an excuse other than myself for why she left. Pretty cheap I think. But I guess I am looking for answers. I don;t know that I ever will truly know what she left me and the kids. Another guy? POssible. Just tired of feeling out of love with me? Probably. LIfes not perfect, and neither is marriage. I failed to see the signs, in retrospect there were many. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 SUMDUDE... I agree with you about the looking into someones family a little deeper. My W came from a terrible background, I think her mom married 5 times. All of her kids were shuffled from this house to the next. Absolutely no stability or family cohesion. Add to that abuse of all sorts. And no counseling to date. As I write this out it kinda makes me cheap to use her background as an excuse for the failure in our marriage. SOunds like I am looking for an excuse other than myself for why she left. Pretty cheap I think. But I guess I am looking for answers. I don;t know that I ever will truly know what she left me and the kids. Another guy? POssible. Just tired of feeling out of love with me? Probably. LIfes not perfect, and neither is marriage. I failed to see the signs, in retrospect there were many. I would never say that I was blameless... I played a part in it all as well as any number of other influences. I look at how things happened and how quickly when I point out her upbringing. The lack of patience on her part to ride out a few hard years and mostly... the loss of faith in me. I think that's the hardest pill to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
the2gman Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 I agree. This really makes a person have a lot of self-doubt and self-focus. I don;t want to call it pity, that sounds wimpy. But it is good to try and understand what I did that made her fall out of love with me. But then, maybe it just happened and nothgn at all to do with me. Who knows.....and in the end do I care? I am so indecisive..... ha! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 I agree. This really makes a person have a lot of self-doubt and self-focus. I don;t want to call it pity, that sounds wimpy. But it is good to try and understand what I did that made her fall out of love with me. But then, maybe it just happened and nothgn at all to do with me. Who knows.....and in the end do I care? I am so indecisive..... ha! Sometimes there are no answers.. we want things to compute but they just don't. One of my favorite movie lines from Bull Durham. "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness." Link to post Share on other sites
the2gman Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Sometimes there are no answers.. we want things to compute but they just don't. One of my favorite movie lines from Bull Durham. "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness." Ha! Isnt that the truth! It's easier to go around and not think of how things you do impact others. I really don;t believe my W knows that pain she is putting me through. And the impact to the kids. How selfish can a person be??? And I love her why?????????? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Even that one? You're right -- I didn't clarify. I meant statements that leave no room for any other possibility...statements that don't include words like "perhaps, maybe, possibly, sometimes, often", and the like. I really don't know how that would resolve, for individuals who interpret a question as a generalized statement. Thanks for pointing out my error so that I could amend...hopefully my original did not screw-up the OP too much . Link to post Share on other sites
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