Tony, please give me some advise!

[john]

Tony, i have been reading some of your advise you have given people and you are very good at what you do. So im going to ask you for some advise with a problem i have.

 

OK, i am 22 and this girl a have been seeing for about a year and a half is now 17, almost 18. When we first met we both liked each other. After we met about two weeks later talking on the phone she asked me if she could be my girlfriend. I said yes and that i liked her also. She comes from a really christian family. I met her parents and they both liked me alot.

 

We got really close and after about two months, she told me that she was in love with me. A week later i told her the same. It seemed like the perfect relationship. Her mom said that she thought god put me and her together. Me and her was even talking about getting married someday. Well after about 5 months we got into an arguement over something totally stupid. She broke up with me. The next day she called me and we were back together. Over the period of a year this happened a total of 5 times. Every time she would dump me but she after about a week or so we would be back together. Each arguement was over totally different things but we always worked thing out.

 

Back in January we had another one and of course she dumped me again. So i left her alone for about a week and we started talking again. I asked her back out and she told me that she was confused and she didn't know what she wanted right now. So i stopped talking to her for a couple a weeks. So we started talking again and she had found herself a boyfriend and she kept telling me how much she likes him. It didn't last very long because he was wanting to have sex with her and she told him that she was saving herself for marriage. So he never called her again after that and would talk to her. She was really upset. We started calling each other every day and started going out on the weekends a whole lot. We became better friends than we ever have. She told me that im her best friend and that im like a brother to her.

 

We never talked about getting back together but i was wanting to. I call her mom sometimes when she is at school and talk to her mom. She says that i have nothing to worry about and that she knows her daughter inside and out and that she promises that me and her will be back together before the end of the summer and that i just have to wait.

 

Well. yesturday she called me and we was talking and i asked her how she sees me. As like just another guy or as a close friend. She says that im her very best friend in the world. I sked her if she would like to consider us as a couple again or is she happy the way things are. She said she didn't know and was quiet for a few minuits and then she says that she likes it the way thing are. She says that we could later on but not right now.

 

I love her more than anything on earth and i would die for her. I really want me and her to be a couple again. This is the longest we ever went, us not being a couple.

 

I want to know is the couple thing over for good between us?

 

Do you think that she will ever change her mind? I really love her and want me and he to be together forever. Is all we ever could be is just friends or do you think things will change in the future? I asked her if she still had feeling for me and she said that she did a little. Do you think if i continue to be very best friends and we continue the way we are now that things will change later on?

 

Tony, PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!

 

John

[Tony T]

Dear John:

 

You may regret having asked me to answer this question because I don't have good news for you.

 

The first problem is: The girl you like is 17, that's S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N years old. She has got a lot of growing up and many guys to go before she is ready to respond to MENshe knows are looking to get serious.

 

The second problem is: You are 22. When she is 22, you will be around 26 or 27 and that won't seem like a lot of years to her. But at 17, looking at someone 22 is a bit of a different matter.

 

That's the small stuff.

 

NOW, FOR THE MAJOR PROBLEM:

 

She has made it more than clear to you that she JUST wants to be friends. If you try to push it beyond that, you will lose her friendship altogether. Normally, when girls say they just want to be friends, they mean just that. Sometimes they don't even mean that. It's just a way of letting a guy down easy. The literal translation is: I am NOT interested in a romantic relationship with you and just as soon as someone comes along that I AM interested in romantically, I probably won't even have time to talk with you on the phone.

 

On a positive note, there is a very remote chance you can turn this around if you have the right stuff. First of all, YOU NEVER WANT TO BE BUDDIES WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN. Why put yourself through that pain because when she starts liking other guys she's going to tell you all about it. So, if you want to see if anything is there, stop calling her so much, start seeing other people, make yourself scarse, don't return her calls quickly, don't accept every invitation she makes to do something together. Many ladies her age need a strong challenge. They have no interest in a nice guy who kisses their ass.

 

So often, lovesick guys get used by girls that don't even like them. The girls take advantage of the situation to have somebody around to do things with UNTIl they find a guy they really like. Don't let this happen to you.

 

Now my very best advice here is to move on, find a girl you are attracted to who is likewise attracted to you and go from there. You will waste a lot of time throughout your life if you go on hanging around with ladies who want to be your buddy, waiting for girls to change their minds about you and and until the time arrives that they are ready for a relationship. And there is no guarantee that when the any particular woman is ready, she will be ready for YOU.

 

Without being too blunt, get over this girl. She is too young and immature. She is trying her best to let you off easy right now but if you don't take the hint, she will take your heart, chew it up until it is totally non-functional, and spit it right out. BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND FIND A GIRL THAT WANTS TO DATE A MAN!!!

[John]

Are you saying that i have no chance with her? She calls me everyday and she told me that she still has feelings for me and that she is not over our past relationship. We have even planned on getting an apartment together. I talked to her mom yesturday and she says that she guarantees that me and her will be back together soon. She said that she tells her all the time that she can't wait for me and her to get this appartment. so she appartently has already planned a future for me and her. She said that she can tell that she still has feelings for me. She also said that if i quit calling her or if i told her about a new girlfriend that she would be devistated. Her and her parents fight alot. She has started to become rebellious. She knows that her parents likes me. Her mom told me not to tell her but when she gets mad at them she tells them that she is going to have me pick her up and we are going to take off somewhere together. She can find another boyfriend if she wanted one. There is all kinds of guys at her school that likes her but she doesn't want any of them. I was her very first boyfriend, and the first guy to ever kiss her. So what do you think of that? Do you still think that i have no chance? What other advise could you give me?

 

John

Dear John: You may regret having asked me to answer this question because I don't have good news for you. The first problem is: The girl you like is 17, that's S-E-V-E-N-T-E-E-N years old. She has got a lot of growing up and many guys to go before she is ready to respond to MENshe knows are looking to get serious. The second problem is: You are 22. When she is 22, you will be around 26 or 27 and that won't seem like a lot of years to her. But at 17, looking at someone 22 is a bit of a different matter.

 

That's the small stuff. NOW, FOR THE MAJOR PROBLEM: She has made it more than clear to you that she JUST wants to be friends. If you try to push it beyond that, you will lose her friendship altogether. Normally, when girls say they just want to be friends, they mean just that. Sometimes they don't even mean that. It's just a way of letting a guy down easy. The literal translation is: I am NOT interested in a romantic relationship with you and just as soon as someone comes along that I AM interested in romantically, I probably won't even have time to talk with you on the phone.

 

On a positive note, there is a very remote chance you can turn this around if you have the right stuff. First of all, YOU NEVER WANT TO BE BUDDIES WITH SOMEONE YOU ARE ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN. Why put yourself through that pain because when she starts liking other guys she's going to tell you all about it. So, if you want to see if anything is there, stop calling her so much, start seeing other people, make yourself scarse, don't return her calls quickly, don't accept every invitation she makes to do something together. Many ladies her age need a strong challenge. They have no interest in a nice guy who kisses their ass. So often, lovesick guys get used by girls that don't even like them. The girls take advantage of the situation to have somebody around to do things with UNTIl they find a guy they really like. Don't let this happen to you. Now my very best advice here is to move on, find a girl you are attracted to who is likewise attracted to you and go from there. You will waste a lot of time throughout your life if you go on hanging around with ladies who want to be your buddy, waiting for girls to change their minds about you and and until the time arrives that they are ready for a relationship. And there is no guarantee that when the any particular woman is ready, she will be ready for YOU. Without being too blunt, get over this girl. She is too young and immature. She is trying her best to let you off easy right now but if you don't take the hint, she will take your heart, chew it up until it is totally non-functional, and spit it right out. BE KIND TO YOURSELF AND FIND A GIRL THAT WANTS TO DATE A MAN!!!

[Tony T]

I didn't say you had no chance, but I did say your chances were slim. This is a young girl from what you describe as not so healthy home environment if she has to fight with her parents. You may be very smitten with her right now...but that fact remains that for a few years, she will be very young and immature and undoubtedly will be interested in numerous guys until she is ready to settle down.

 

I know you would just love for the good fairy to swoop down, drop some dust over the two of you, and pronounce you a couple from now until eternity. But you better pour some cold water over your head and get into reality. This is NOT a happening thing.

 

Her mother cannot speak for her. She must speak for herself. You are also making a very BIG mistake discussing this very private issue with her mother because this girl will resent that. Never discuss your love business with a girl's mom or dad...bad mistake.

 

You sound like you are intent on getting your heart bashed so I'll stop trying to talk you out of it. We will all be here for you when that happens.

[John]

Thank you for the advise Tony. I think that you are 100% right on this. I was going to give up on her a long time ago but every time, her mom talks me out of it saying thatshe promises that we will be back together. She tells me that she IS right about this and that nobody knows her daughter like her. She says that her and her husbands relationship started of exactly the way ours did. She says that god put me and her together and everything is going to be alright. But you seem a lot more right than she does. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to let her go. Part of me tells me to get over her so that my heart doesn't get crushed anymore than it already has, and the other part of me tells me that everything is going to be alright.I REALLY DON"T WANT TO GET HURT ANYMORE THAN I ALREADY AM!!! So, can you give me one last piece of advise? Should i close the door altogether and not talk to her anymore? OR should i fade away, stop talking to her AS MUCH, and going out with her until this love is gone?

 

John

I didn't say you had no chance, but I did say your chances were slim. This is a young girl from what you describe as not so healthy home environment if she has to fight with her parents. You may be very smitten with her right now...but that fact remains that for a few years, she will be very young and immature and undoubtedly will be interested in numerous guys until she is ready to settle down. I know you would just love for the good fairy to swoop down, drop some dust over the two of you, and pronounce you a couple from now until eternity. But you better pour some cold water over your head and get into reality. This is NOT a happening thing. Her mother cannot speak for her. She must speak for herself. You are also making a very BIG mistake discussing this very private issue with her mother because this girl will resent that. Never discuss your love business with a girl's mom or dad...bad mistake. You sound like you are intent on getting your heart bashed so I'll stop trying to talk you out of it. We will all be here for you when that happens.

[Tony T]

You are about as lovesick as I have ever seen. I cannot give you any more advice. I am telling you...you are against a brick wall with this chick. You are at the finish line. You are at the end of the movie. It is time to split. You can wish in one hand and shXt in the other and it won't be any different. Parents always want to think they know their kids well...but in matters of love especially, they just don't know.

 

YOU MAY WANT THIS GIRL, BUT YOU DON'T NEED HER. And you don't need the aggravation and loss of time required to wait around and see where she ends up in three or four years. I mean, you are asking for so so so so so so much trouble for yourself.

 

NO MORE ADVICE for you, bub. Do what you want to do. But if you want to command respect for yourself and from yourself, stand firm, and be strong then don't hang around like a puppy and take crap from anybody. She may have a lot of head problems, growing up to do and decisions to make...but you have a life to live. For heaven's sake, LIVE IT!!!