Author trubella Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 I do not want to grow old staying in a so so marriage, with little enthusiam, but just out of habit or because society says you should or you are too scared to make the move. i think todays society nowadays says you should just divorce once you hit a rough patch. d is alot more acceptable now, stigma no longer attached, not to mention how easy it is to d. i will just never understand that concept, but im not one to follow what is the 'norm' nowadays. to each their own though. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 It takes two incredibly evolved, open minded people to make it work...'til death! I think it's more like two incredibly stubborn and tenacious people!! It's the only way I can see it be achievable. A former neighbor used to say (about her marriage), "Even when you hate each other, you just keep on going." Link to post Share on other sites
Author trubella Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 I know many couples, who often think thier partner will change after marriage. My mother is one of them. She complains that after 35 years of marriage, my dad still does the same stuff that annoyed her when they were newly weds. I roll my eyes and wonder how she could have been so clueless. Ofcourse, he's not going to change. She knew what she was getting into before she married the guy..bless his heart. this is why we talk about the future alot, all couples should, he knows what he is getting into if we do marry, and i know what he is about. thankfully we share similar views for the most part. Link to post Share on other sites
silent09 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Hi i know this has nothing to do with your post but im new and i wanna get some advice but i dont know how to write things on here can you help me please Link to post Share on other sites
empty906 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 I know of a couple right now, my in laws to be exact, who have been married 52 years. I understand for whatever reason, they didn't divorce, but to me they should have. Your in-laws sound like my wife and I. Over the past couple of years I have told her I wanted a divorce three times. She really doesn't want one and apparently I don't mean it or I would have gone through with it by now. But we don't ever say 'I love you' except in a card, we don't sleep in the same room, we have totally opposite interests and patterns. We are more like roommates, I guess. I have questions about divorce like OP asked. My mother is on her third husband and my father in on his fourth wife. My wife's mother is on her fourth husband and her father on his second wife. Too much partner swapping going on! We have been married for thirteen years now. Maybe your in-laws just decided to leave things alone and never discuss it and learned to accept things as they are. We have. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 You know what, that IS a good point, those seemingly petty reasons that can't be worked out. Why are they so hard to work out? Do we get so resentful of each other that a compromise just can't be reached or what? See, in order for these issues to be worked out, one has to first be willing and accept that they really have issues that need to be worked out. If someone is in denial and does not accept that s/he has issues, there's no way you can get whatever problems you have in your marriage resolved. Shygirl, it sounds like you are divorced. What are some of the petty reasons you couldn't overcome if you don't mind sharing. Trust, insecurities, insensitivity, and lack of responsibility on his part. It's strange, because it appears most couples can easily overcome and resolve big problems in marriage such as infidelity issues, but cannot deal with minor ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 and like i stated in the original post im sure there are couples who go into it thinking "that will never be us and our marriage will last" im just saying it will never be me.. period lol. Good for you. Personally, there's a limit to what I can take, unfortunately, so I wouldn't want to confine myself with such thinking. I believe in marriage, I believe in trying to work things out, and I also believe in divorce when things don't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
JooSee Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Do you think your mom had any inkling of your dad's personality before she married him? Did she take care of him pre-marriage or did he just change overtime?. I know many couples, who often think thier partner will change after marriage. My mother is one of them. She complains that after 35 years of marriage, my dad still does the same stuff that annoyed her when they were newly weds. I roll my eyes and wonder how she could have been so clueless. Ofcourse, he's not going to change. She knew what she was getting into before she married the guy..bless his heart. Hi Ro, He changed over time. They were married when she was 19, he was 22. That is soooo young in my opinion, but times were different then. He WAS the breadwinner. I'm certain she always did the domestic repsonsibilites for him/herself. She still does. But he got laid off when I was in 6th grade and things changed from that point on. I think my mom knows dad won't change, but I also think she thinks she has no other options. She could move to CA like she wanted to, and try to have fun for the rest of her life. I feel kinda bad for her too, because i know she thinks she cant leave. I'd be totally supportive if she told me she was filing for divorce. Then my dad would be FORCED to grow up. He's also be forced to try and connect with his kids. I wonder how well he'd do with that, since my mother is usually the one who talks to us about stuff, and merey rehashes the story to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Rorocher Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Hi Ro, He changed over time. They were married when she was 19, he was 22. That is soooo young in my opinion, but times were different then. He WAS the breadwinner. I'm certain she always did the domestic repsonsibilites for him/herself. She still does. But he got laid off when I was in 6th grade and things changed from that point on. I think my mom knows dad won't change, but I also think she thinks she has no other options. She could move to CA like she wanted to, and try to have fun for the rest of her life. I feel kinda bad for her too, because i know she thinks she cant leave. I'd be totally supportive if she told me she was filing for divorce. Then my dad would be FORCED to grow up. He's also be forced to try and connect with his kids. I wonder how well he'd do with that, since my mother is usually the one who talks to us about stuff, and merey rehashes the story to him. Amen, that is why most stay even in relationships. You just think, "what next"? We get too used to the comfort of being with someone, even if it is not always happy. Link to post Share on other sites
JooSee Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Amen, that is why most stay even in relationships. You just think, "what next"? We get too used to the comfort of being with someone, even if it is not always happy. But that is just so sad though. my BF was in one of those realtionships, and he left...after 27 years of marriage and raising kids. He thinks they are both so much happier now, and they maintain a great friendship. He is able to travel the world with me (but his ex never wanted to), go camping, be out in the sun and surf, and his ex is more of a homebody, likes being crafty and learning about spirituality and natural herbal medicine. Too bad more relationships couldnt be this way...with the understanding that there is so much more to life that being STUCK in a dead marriage. My heart goes out to those who feel trapped. It seems like such a waste of living. Isn't change good and exciting? My BF is way happier now, although the leaving part was difficult and stressful. It all turned out great for them in the long run. She has a new man, he is with me and now they both have regained PASSION again. Imagine that in your 50's! Link to post Share on other sites
vedderbetter Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 My in-laws won't divorce because they're "good Christians" and they "stick together for the kids" (only one is under 18 - other 2 are adults). But, they HATE each other. I mean HATE. My MIL screams, swears, belittles and otherwise is openly contemptful of my FIL. She has zero filter, they could be in a grocery store or a neighbor's house or in church and she'll just light into him about what a miserable SOB he is and how she wishes he would die. Seriously. It's worse when she gets into the wine. All she talks to me about is what a piece of crap her husband is. It's so uncomfortable. My FIL is a drunk. He spends most of his free time at the local bar getting hammered with his friends. I have a hard time blaming him. My MIL has completely ruined any relationship the under 18 son at home had with his father. She has convinced him that my FIL is stupid, mean, lazy, worthless and encourages him to disrespect my FIL whenever he can. It's so freaking disfunctional. When DH & I visit, we NEVER stay in their home, we get a hotel. We try to get each one alone to visit with because everyone together always means there's going to be some HUGE fight. No wonder the second DH turned 18, he moved 2000 miles away. His sister did the same thing and the second that the youngest is 18, he's outta there. So, do I believe in divorce? Abso-freaken-lutely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trubella Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 It's so freaking disfunctional. When DH & I visit, we NEVER stay in their home, we get a hotel. We try to get each one alone to visit with because everyone together always means there's going to be some HUGE fight. No wonder the second DH turned 18, he moved 2000 miles away. His sister did the same thing and the second that the youngest is 18, he's outta there. So, do I believe in divorce? Abso-freaken-lutely. i asked if there were ppl who did not believe in divorce and got responses from ppl who have been divorced or believe in it lol. which im not surprised about, since it is common here, but ty for sharing. im not one to cheer for d but in your inlaws case they sound like they'd be better seperated. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 i asked if there were ppl who did not believe in divorce and got responses from ppl who have been divorced or believe in it lol. which im not surprised about, since it is common here, but ty for sharing. im not one to cheer for d but in your inlaws case they sound like they'd be better seperated. Which goes to say that perhaps, there's no one that does not believe in divorce.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author trubella Posted August 8, 2008 Author Share Posted August 8, 2008 Which goes to say that perhaps, there's no one that does not believe in divorce.. actually there were a few who responded with similar views, so its good to know we're not a dying breed=) Link to post Share on other sites
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