Asking Professional Friend to Grab a Drink?

[whattothink]

Hey everyone! I have a marketing person that comes into work that I would love to get to know better. He comes in several times a week and openly shares that he is only requires to visit once every two weeks. We have great conversation, are close to the same age, and just click. Does anyone see anything know with me asking him if he'd like to grab a beer after work sometime? Thanks!

[jon01]

As long as he isn't some married guy on the prowl, go for it! He obviously likes you if he's coming there as often as you say. Try and find out if he is married. If you don't, and you end up getting involved with a MM, you will wind up just like the rest of the miserable OW on this board.

[whattothink]

Thanks! Here's the deal- my assistant sees the sparks between us so got the dirt. He is "engaged" to this gal that is his little girl's mom. He isn't happy with her but feels obligated to marry her. He never talks about her so I brought it out in the open this week and asked when they were getting married...he said he didn't know.

[jon01]

Well it's up to you.... you have to ask yourself if you are comfortable going out with a guy who is involved, and obviously in a serious relationship. I would just save yourself the potential heartache, and set your focus on a guy who is free and clear. This is one of those moments in life where you need to be strong to make the right decision (think with your brain not heart!).

[with_out_a_safteynet]

Well it's up to you.... you have to ask yourself if you are comfortable going out with a guy who is involved, and obviously in a serious relationship. I would just save yourself the potential heartache, and set your focus on a guy who is free and clear. This is one of those moments in life where you need to be strong to make the right decision (think with your brain not heart!).

 

I agree 100%

BTW...I am a marketer and and one thing that we marketers have is charm so you have been warned:p

[Tomcat33]

Thanks! Here's the deal- my assistant sees the sparks between us so got the dirt. He is "engaged" to this gal that is his little girl's mom. He isn't happy with her but feels obligated to marry her. He never talks about her so I brought it out in the open this week and asked when they were getting married...he said he didn't know.

 

 

He is not "engaged" he is engaged. You are basing your gameplan on hear-say for all you know he could be very happy in his relationship. PLUS he has a child with this woman.

 

What is the deal here? why would you initiate a relationship with someone that has not even shown any REAL interest in you and who is also engaged? If he said yes, would you really want to go out with a guy that is about to get married and so easily says yes to a woman that throws themselves at him? That is what you would be doing, throwing yourself at him to go out with you. If he really wanted to go out with you he would ask you. Men go for what they want especially a guy that works in marketing, they are far from shy and if he really wanted to grab a drink with you he would have asked.

 

It's one thing if he was asking you out and you were contemplating the oddity of the situation it's another to ask if it's ok to ask a guy engaged to be married out on a date.

 

The answer is NO, it is not ok and there is plenty wrong.

[Tomcat33]

I agree 100%

BTW...I am a marketer and and one thing that we marketers have is charm so you have been warned:p

 

EXACTLY!

 

don't misintepret charm for romantic interest. It happens to me from time to time with men, they msitaken my charm/friendliness for romantic interest and then they end up in an awkward situations they have to face day to day at work. You can't backpeddle from asking a guy out at work, once you put it out there and if you are misinterpreting his character, you could potentially be the laugh of the office. Always be careful with that.

[Angel1111]

No, you shouldn't ask him out. If he's really interested in dating you, he'll ask you out. Since he hasn't done that, what is your real reason for doing this? Is it because you think he's too shy, too dumb, or just hadn't thought of it? Asking him out translates into not trusting that he has enough sense to do that himself.

 

If he really wants to go out with you but hesitates because of his current engagement, then you should accept and admire that. Encouraging him to go against principles will only backfire on you, and dating an engaged man would also make your character look questionable in his eyes. These things have ways of coming back to haunt you so I would recommend leaving it alone and trust that a man knows how to ask a woman out when the desire is there. If he wants to date other people, I'm sure he can think of a way to get out of his current relationship first.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think he would be more than happy to grab a drink with you. Just understand that 'grabbing a drink' will be interpreted as 'we should have sex', and he will act accordingly.

[GPFan]

I think he would be more than happy to grab a drink with you. Just understand that 'grabbing a drink' will be interpreted as 'we should have sex', and he will act accordingly.

Absolutely. You knowing his situation will be interpreted as your being OK with the current arrangement.

[whattothink]

Thank you all for your always honest feedback. He's come in three times this week and shared with me that he's not really sure what he's doing. You can see the sadness in his eyes when he starts talking. I'm just going to let things play out, listen if he wants to talk, and be supportive of him making the right decision for him. While many other people see an attraction and an offering to grab a beer is simply a friends request, I admire that, if he is interested, he is being faithful.

[Angel1111]

If there's an attraction then asking him to have a drink would not be motivated by friendship. And he wouldn't accept on friendship terms - no matter what he says and no matter what you say. You would both be kidding yourselves, even if nothing happened. You're not asking the ugly guy at work out for a drink as a friend, are you? You would be asking this guy out because you're attracted to him and call it a friendship because the two of you haven't slept together. There's nothing wrong with the attraction - maybe it'll get him off his butt to end his engagement - but call it what it is.

[LucreziaBorgia]

1. He's come in three times this week and shared with me that he's not really sure what he's doing. You can see the sadness in his eyes when he starts talking.

 

2. I'm just going to let things play out, listen if he wants to talk, and be supportive of him making the right decision for him. While many other people see an attraction and an offering to grab a beer is simply a friends request, I admire that, if he is interested, he is being faithful.

 

Just a warning from a former serial cheat:

 

1. I used to do the exact same thing. It made me look vulnerable, and it would elicit enough sympathy that the target would be able to overcome any feelings of guilt over being involved with someone who was involved with someone else.

 

2. That is how it starts. You're doing exactly what he is hoping you will do.

 

If he were genuine about wanting to talk about his feelings and not at all interested in cheating with you, the setting would be something very public and something without any chance of igniting undertones: something like coffee on the patio at Starbucks at 11 am. Taking someone out at night for alcohol makes it very easy for the cheater to bag the target. After he gets you feeling sorry for him, he can further lubricate your sliding scale of ethics with alcohol and make it even more likely that you will fall for it. There is a certain sexual undertone to these situations, and alcohol ramps it up considerably.

 

Trust me, I did this nearly every time I cheated and it always worked. I'm sure it has worked for him before, and he's counting on it working again.

[Tomcat33]

Thank you all for your always honest feedback. He's come in three times this week and shared with me that he's not really sure what he's doing. You can see the sadness in his eyes when he starts talking. I'm just going to let things play out, listen if he wants to talk, and be supportive of him making the right decision for him. While many other people see an attraction and an offering to grab a beer is simply a friends request, I admire that, if he is interested, he is being faithful.

 

 

I see so now that you pretty much got a unanimus vote that what you are doing is not only wrong but that it is pointless since the man is not only not making a move but taken, you say that you "just want to get to know him as a friend" Yet originally you posted that your own assistant sees the "sparks" between you two and that you would LOVE to get to know him better. Women don't LOVE to get to know a man that causes sparks within her, for just "friends" you know you are romantically interested you have already told us so, so why backpeddle now? By setting out and scheming to become friends (or anything you can get) to a man that you have convinced yourself is not happy about his current relationship, you are in essence scheming to break up his engagement to a woman who also happens to have his baby.

 

Anyway you are clearly going to do whatever you want anyway, my philosophy is people already have the answer to their question before they post it and I strongly believe that.

 

See you on the OW/OM board in a few months.