Am I paranoid or being wary ?

[astra77]

This is a long one.

 

Background

I told my H of the A about a month ago. He decided he wants to try and work it out - as do I. We both realise that it may not work out for the best, but we have been trying. And until now i thought we had been successful.

 

H told me last week he has been chatting about A with a woman at work. This was a bit of a red flag - but i realised that he needed to talk to someone other than me and im ok with it. He has worked with this woman for 7 years and has mentioned her, i got the impression she had been only and aquantence.

 

Anyway, H told me they had exchanged phone numbers incase he wanted to chat. Again a bit of a red flag, but i left it alone.

 

Background info on her - she is a former BS - her H cheated on her.

 

Now while I understand that my H could get alot of helpful info on dealing with OUR situation from another BS, what happened last night set off the alarm bells in me, and the **** hit the fan BIG TIME.

 

My H and I are at home watching tv, we had a brief chat about the A earlier, but had mostly been talking about completely unrelated issues when the home phone rang. H answred the phone, and this was the conversation he had:

 

Hello

Who is this ?

Oh, hello, how are you ?

Im ok, yeah im ok, yeah

oh i've been doing a bit of reading and thats helped, i have alot of questions still and i will make my mind up from there

yeah im ok, im ok

Are you at work tomorrow?

ok i'll see you then

bye - hangs up

 

WTF ?????????????????????????????????????????

 

Now this is my question - i am shaking right now.

 

Would a former BS who has found out a Male work mate's W has had an A really ring my house to speak to my H out of friendly concern or was this a blatant attempt to start **** - which it did by the way - and get in my H underpants?

 

I immediately thought my H was having a PA with her - he said no and got REALLY REALLY angry, i said you must be having an EA - he said no he doesnt talk to her that much (odd given she knows of my A) If they dont talk that much i find it odd that she would ring my house an 9pm to talk to my H, she knew there was a 99.99% chance I would be home.

 

I told him i am now aware of the signs that lead to an A as i am just fresh out of one - and that if she doesnt want to get into his pants, then she is one hell of an f**cken idiot for ringing the house as she is a former BS and would realise the effect her call would have on our current situation.

 

I told H that i already have one person f**cking with my head, and i dont need his so called mate doing the same thing.

 

OMG am i crazy or just too emotional and reading too much into it. I am so awake to the signals of an A - and i think it is happening to my H this time. H smashed our framed marriage certificate into a gazillion pieces, and the anger exploded from there. I told him M is over. He begged me to stay

 

Any thoughts ??

[Chinook]

Actually, I do think you're probably over-reacting. Afterall... if she is really the OW, she's hardly going to ring the house knowing you're there when he takes the call. She rang the house knowing you were there, so that he could take the call and work it out from there. You're right, it does have the hallmarks of the beginnings of EA potential... but here's the kicker... you're experienced at that, your H isn't. He probably just thought she was being helpful to you BOTH. The best thing to do now would be to AVOID making him hide this new friendship - actually take it the other way and get her involved more WITH YOU BOTH... advising you BOTH on how to proceed. If she has other intentions, those will become clear soon enough. If he's intent on working on the M then, it's up to him to deal with the EA potential at work.

 

As for your fight... him smashing the M certificate, you threatening to leave - you both have a lot of anger and issues to address. Adding another person into this right now is going to be mind-numbingly stupid and your H needs to be aware of that. If he needs to 'talk' about it with someone, he needs to seek IC and you both need to start in MC.

[astra77]

I can see that i could have overacted - i felt threatened, now i guess i can see how my H felt when i told him of A.

 

I told my H thats its hard enough dealing with the current situation, and i dont need another dumb ass interferring in our M. After we calmed down somewhat, I told h that now all i need to push me over the edge is for xmm to call me - that would be my lot right now. I feel like im about to drop my bundle, told H it feels like all the progress that i have made trying to turn a bad situation back to a good one has been for nothing and has been taken away from me. I also told him he has given me little credit for choosing to do the right thing after choosing to do the wrong thing for so long. I left my A, left my job and I did all this BEFORE i told my H. I know its not much, but i think i deserve a little credit for having the balls to admit i f**cked up and now im hanging around to TRY and fix my M. Told h i could have pissed off on him, that was the easy option, but i chose the hard road and stayed to get the ass kicking i deserve.

 

I have no self esteem, confidence, nothing.

 

H told this "friend" that her phone call has almost cost him his M, she said sorry she didnt realise she was just checking on him, I just find it hard to believe her intentions, but i can see how i may have overreacted. H just called me and said he has told her never to call him at home again - i dont know how to take that. We have so much to deal with right now, i dont need some dumb ass making it worse than it already is.

 

I just have a feeling somethings not right, and you know what they say - if it feels wrong, it probably is.

[Chinook]

I can see that i could have overacted - i felt threatened, now i guess i can see how my H felt when i told him of A.

Yep and although you know that... it doesn't mean that he isn't capable of it too. It doesn't mean that your spidey senses are 'off' but in this case, I really think he simply hasn't seen the hallmarks of it.

 

I told my H thats its hard enough dealing with the current situation, and i dont need another dumb ass interferring in our M. After we calmed down somewhat, I told h that now all i need to push me over the edge is for xmm to call me - that would be my lot right now. I have no self esteem, confidence, nothing.

What did he say to this...? How did he react when you explained about her encroaching on your territory (which is essentially what is happening). He needs to understand right now that it's YOUR job to take care of his emotional needs and with the aftermath of your A, you're going to be hypersensitive to anything which impacts upon that.

 

H told this "friend" that her phone call has almost cost him his M, she said sorry she didnt realise she was just checking on him, I just find it hard to believe her intentions, but i can see how i may have overreacted. H just called me and said he has told her never to call him at home again - i dont know how to take that.

Well, in one way she's not in YOUR face at home but at the same time, I wouldn't be entirely happy with the being pushed out of your sight/senses thing either. Do they have the saying in Oz of 'keep your enemies close'...? Because I'd be inclined to feel like that right now about this situation - you want her where you know exactly what's going on. I still find it difficult to believe she's an OW if she's ringing the house to check on him, knowing you are there. Of course.... you only have HIS word for what he's told her about the state of your M. If he has told her that she has nearly cost him that - then that has to be a good thing. I would try to talk with him again about there not being any other significant OTHER people in either of your lives at the moment. It is going to be threatening at least, damaging at worst.

 

I just have a feeling somethings not right, and you know what they say - if it feels wrong, it probably is.

Well, hold that thought for now. You're hypersensitive to his reactions, your reactions, your emotions, his emotions and everything in between. You're also dealing with the responsibility side of things for what happened with your A - so it will heighten any interaction between you and H. You need to be mindful of the spidey senses... but not a slave to them... they can and will destroy things too.

[bentnotbroken]

I and the other bs in my situation have remained cordial and we check on each other. We have no desire to be together. We know the pain that A cause. I think you projected your own actions onto your H. You feared that pay back was at hand. And you wanted to end it before you felt the sting of betrayal.

 

If you two aren't in counseling, get there. IC and MC. The anger will come and go on his part and you need to learn to deal with it a little more maturely.

[astra77]

Chinook, bentnotbroken, these are my fears. I can see both your points. Yes we do have that saying in oz about our enemies, aint it the truth.

 

Payback has crossed my mind, i told H to lay it on the line and if he has previously had an A to tell me now and we will continue to work through it together, but that a payback A is a deal breaker for me. H said there was nothing to tell and he would not pay me back, it is a very real fear i must get a grip on.

 

I brought up IC and MC again and he doesnt want to do it - i cant push him coz i dont want to push him away, but i told him that he needed to be aware that although he is content to work on the M now, he may very well change his mind down the track - but i dont think he understood, so i dont want to push it even though i know its right. I have mentiond C and a possible change of heart on his part a couple of times, but i dont think he can absorb it - and i sympathise as i know he is going through hell too, albeit a different hell to me.

 

BNB i understand the logic that a BS can help H to work through things and that is why i left him alone when i saw the red flag, but its strikes me as odd that knowing 1st hand the pain and humiliation caused when you find you SO is a WS, why did she call my house. Surely she knew this would start WWIII. I question her intentions behind this phone call. H said he can now see where i am coming from and how i can think that he was involved in a EA or PA with her, he couldnt see that for himself, f**k thats how my PA started - i didnt see the signs for myself until i was up to my neck in it. AGGGHHHH.

 

Chinook - i see that she is not an OW - i never called MM at home, never had his home number or home address, only his mobile number. As i said before, this is how my A started, being blind to someones intentions. I find it hard to believe that my xmm deliberately and intentionally did this to me, but he certainaly ceased an oppurtunity he knew would suit him right down to the ground, and im wondering if this friend of my H's is trying to cease an oppurtunity for herself in the same way. I realise i am hypersensitive, and i think now H does too, I actually said something similar to him last night re: i dont need someone from outside of my M interferring as this is why we are in this mess to begin with. I need to soothe my H emotions, I need to be his NO1 support, and we have to be each others NO1 priority, h told me today he had a wake up call from our fight and can understand me a little more.

[astra77]

I and the other bs in my situation have remained cordial and we check on each other. We have no desire to be together. We know the pain that A cause. I think you projected your own actions onto your H. You feared that pay back was at hand. And you wanted to end it before you felt the sting of betrayal.

 

YES YES YES - a very real fear. and i can see my projection, but i am soooooooo scared of the damage i have done to myself and my H, my biggest fear is that i can not pass the test. If only I had of seen the signs BEFORE my A started, I wouldnt be in this mess right now, i think maybe i did see the signs and then went on to make the wrong choice out of pure stupidity, selfishness and a desire to have / do something different and spice up my boring life - i am such a dickhead.

 

It feels like to horse has bolted and i have no control over where i am going, i cant control myself and i certainly cant control someone else ceasing an oppurtunity to make my M worse than i have already made it myself. I am ****ting bricks right now.

[Mino]

Asta , you never know... Some ow will actually befriend the w to get the the H.. Nobody has heard of that before? She is going through the backdoor... Is she still married to her H? Misery likes company sometimes... They do share a common ground, both have been betrayed, they understand each others pain... I knew of two couples where both spouses cheated with each other... the funny thing happened,, the two bs ended up getting together... they lasted over 20 years together... At the begining they only wanted to piss of the ws..s then they fell in love... .Now I am not saying this is the case here... But you do want to keep your eyes open...

[Chinook]

Astra, I think as you posted, this has probably been a wake up call for H. But as I and others have posted, keep eyes open. Not suspicious... just alert. Assisting H in reading these early signs actually could be a good thing in preventing this from happening to either one of you again.

 

For the record, the only reason I can advise like this is I myself have just stepped away from a really good friend at work (it's back as my last thread) because I know the implications of too much close proximity, mixed with maybe a crush going on, isn't a good thing for anyone's marriage (I'm not married, he is). In fact, just this week... he SMS'd me to ask how I was doing - this after 10 days of silence and I had to return with "I have taken your number out of my phone so I can't contact you or message you, there's an email explaining why at your work address, I will speak to you next week". It was cordial, but firm. This is the stance your H now needs to take. He may have thought nothing of what was happening, but like you said... I'm not entirely sure SHE had innocent intentions. So he needs to be the one who is firm - polite, professional and leave it at that. Just like I have - hopefully when I return to work next week... my situation will have become irrelevant because of the time and distance between now and the initial fall-out incident.

[astra77]

Asta , you never know... Some ow will actually befriend the w to get the the H.. Nobody has heard of that before? She is going through the backdoor... Is she still married to her H? Misery likes company sometimes... They do share a common ground, both have been betrayed, they understand each others pain... I knew of two couples where both spouses cheated with each other... the funny thing happened,, the two bs ended up getting together... they lasted over 20 years together... At the begining they only wanted to piss of the ws..s then they fell in love... .Now I am not saying this is the case here... But you do want to keep your eyes open...

 

I can see this happening a mile off - dont know im strong enough to cope.

 

Its feels like all my hard work is slipping away and im powerless to stop it, i have progressed a long way since telling H now i feel that being taken away - its a threat and i cant handle it - i cant cope with a threat so early - its been a month since d - day for F**CKS SAKE - is she a F**CKEN VULTURE OR WHAT. im still taking my days 1 HOUR at a time.

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAD MAD MAD

 

I cant deal with this because if someone had of pointed out the signs to me BEFORE xmm went as far as kissing me i wouldnt be here now posting my sorry arse situation - or would i - but as a BS?????????????????

 

H has previously mentioned that her XH is in jail - HELLO ! OH MY GOD IM F**KED

[crystal_lostheart]

I would be a little concerned. Especially after everthing you have both been through. Emotions seem really raw at this time between both of you and you are both hurting and are scared.

Maybe some time away together from everyone?? No contact from anyone else. Just the two of you. A holiday perhaps. If the marriage is to survive, you will do whatever it takes to make it mend. Good Luck

[pelicanpreacher]

I brought up IC and MC again and he doesnt want to do it - i cant push him coz i dont want to push him away, but i told him that he needed to be aware that although he is content to work on the M now, he may very well change his mind down the track - but i dont think he understood, so i dont want to push it even though i know its right. I have mentiond C and a possible change of heart on his part a couple of times, but i dont think he can absorb it - and i sympathise as i know he is going through hell too, albeit a different hell to me.

 

The way you approach this issue is to acknowledge his pain and need for information but, with the provision that you both need perspective from an unbiased source. Since he obviously feels compelled to speak with BS/OW about this issue then he will clearly benefit more from speaking to a trained therapist who is better suited to guide him through this period of pain and confusion. Even speaking platonically with the best of intentions to a BS/OW who's husband is absent can only exacerbate his emotions and make him vulnerable to establishing unintended bonds with her that will more than likely lead to more problems than they solve down the road.

 

You will have to insist that your husband go NC with BS and join you in counselling or you don't see the point in fooling yourselves about trying to work this problem out together anymore. At this point, showing courage and issuing an ultimatem won't hurt your chances to fix this any worse than being controlled by fear and doing nothing at all.

[Woggle]

Now you know how your husband feels. Maybe it is just a friendship since they are both betrayed spouses and they know how each other feel. They do work together and it could be nothing more than platonic but how can you be mad when you got the ball rolling on this mess in the first place?

[SeaBrooke]

I think it's a bad idea for your husband at a vulnerable time to confide in a coworker about all of your personal business. That is what paid professionals are for. The boundaries of your M were broken by an affair. You both need to rebuild them. I would gently tell your husband, you are scared and why. Ask him if the two of you can enter into marraige counceling. IC & together.

 

The only person who knows why this friend called is the friend. The last thing you both need is another 3rd person in the marraige, even as a friend, she should feel uncomfortable in that role.

 

I've have friends who come to me for advice, on couple in particular, was in a heated battle and one of them called me and tried to put me in the middle of it, as a mediator/councelor. I referred them to a councelor I knew. It's bad news.

 

The things your hubby is feeling he should be telling you, or a therapist and eventually both. Not a co-worker. Certainly not one who will call the house and inquire. The co-worker needs to get a life, and some manners too.

[Tomcat33]

Hi Astra!

 

Here's my take on your situation and on the types of reponses you are getting here. And before I even say that I want to point out that I agree with everything that Mino and Seabrook said!! (right on the money folks!) Pay close attention to their words.

 

Your H and this woman are having an inapropriate emotional tie, and anyone who is tells you to back off and basically accept this does not have YOUR best interst in mind. I stongly feel they would be singing a completely different tune if you had not cheated on your H first. The bottom line is your H is vulnerable right now and this woman is NOT to be trusted. You didn't do anything to her directly but you represent the same thing the woman who cheated on her with her H does, and I don't buy for ONE second she has any good intentions here especially not concerning you. Her intentions are selfish she is crossing lines calling your home and your H is allowing this there are serious lines of conduct being broken here because of HIS sense of entitlement because you betrayed him. He feels like he can do whatever he wants (meaning something as "innocuous" as emotionally confiding in a female coworker) because you cheated on him.

 

I remember there was a thread on here a loooong time ago of a man who tunrned to a support group for some difficulty he was having with and ill child (I believe that is what it was?) Well he turned to this support group since he had exhausted the ability to support and receive support from his W so instead he turned to a group. Well as it turns out he met a woman in this group and they became very close and ended up in a long time affair. Pain and adversity bring people emotionally together.

 

 

 

First of all, and call me a cynic but I don't buy for a second why a BS is SO interested in helping out an OW, I see regular BSs that SOLELY hang around this board day in day out who used to spew so much hatred they had no choice but to calm down here since they want to stay otherwise they would run the risk of breaking rules and getting permanently banned. Why they want to stay is beyond me, and why they ONLY "want to help" OPs is also beyond me when they really have no clue what it is like to be in the OP shoes and they carry so much resentment against OPs in the first place. Something does not make sense with that picture. So just as I don't trust the motives of any BS claiming that they are out to help "the enemy" if you will on somewhere like here, because let's face it whether they are over their own situation or not the pain they carry and believe is owed to them from the OP is still something that is palpable with many so for the life of me I will never understand what it is that these BSs get out of helping OP's (??? !!!) and in fact just seeing some people's comments here in this thread, clearly supports my theory. If you were not the person who cheated first, if you were just a regular innocent housewife the response from these very same people would be COMPLETLY different, there is no way they would be telling you "ahhh don't worry you are overreacting etc" they would be the first to acknowledge JUST how much of a red flag and dangerrous this situation is.

 

Astra I have no ulterior motive here and have absolutely no hidden prejudice against you WHATSOEVER so I can give you a biassed opinion that I would give my best friend, mother or sister, you have EVERY right to be cautious, you have every right to be concerned, this situation IS extremly dangerous and it is a bad scene waiting to happen. Don't second guess what you are feeling, it is BANG on.

 

Your H is getting emotional "help" from another woman who was betrayed by another woman, and she in turn is going out of her way to support your H who was betraed BY a woman, do the math. I read comments as I see here "to deal with it because he needs support to accept it because you did it to him first," and it only helps to solidfiy my stance on the doubious intentions of BSs wanting to offer help to the OW.

 

 

Your H does not need some betrayed coworker woman's help he needs to seek PROFSSIONAL help with or without you, not the help of some scorned woman who is also vulnerable, if he really wants to deal with his pain. Now if he wants to get even and get back at you then I suggest you sit back and let it happen. This woman calling your house as if you didn't exist and your H allowing this to happen is equally unacceptable and they are both out of line taking entitlement where it is not due if what he wants is to recover your marriage then this is inapropriate.

[taylor]

You and your husband need to fix your marriage by yourselves. NO THIRD PARTY involved, including friends, family members, coworkers.

 

The beauty of an MC or IC therapist is they offer help, guidance, a listening ear, and support without being threatening or interfering to your marriage.

 

I would insist your husband distance himself from this "helpful" coworker. She can't fix his marriage. Nor should she be trying. It's none of her business. Period.

[Owl]

TC, I agree with your post except for this...

 

First of all, and call me a cynic but I don't buy for a second why a BS is SO interested in helping out an OW,

 

Sorry friend, but while you may feel that all of us BS's that come around here are only here to spew venom, I can assure that this is not the case for most of us. Some...absolutely. But not even the majority. Most of us "regulars" come here with the express intent to HELP...everyone in the situation...to include the OW/OM.

 

BNB, WWIU, a lot of the others...are direct PROOF that there ARE BS's out there that are willing to help.

 

 

 

 

 

Astra-

 

I think that you're both right, and wrong.

 

I think that she probably is just trying to help your H work out this situation...that's entirely possible. Their interaction may be on the "up & up". And your H may be seeking advice from anyone who can offer it, and someone who's been there before certainly would be considered a good 'source' from his viewpoint.

 

 

BUT...its also risky. You have a good reason to have concern.

 

Your H has been emotionally DEVESTATED by your affair. He IS at risk for a revenge affair...or even one not based on revenge, but simply based on rebuilding his self-esteem and self-confidence. After the blow he's taken, he may well be doubting himself as a man, as a potential mate....and getting reassurances from another woman, no matter how well intended, is a definite risk.

 

I'd suggest that you try to calm down, and talk about this RATIONALLY, instead of emotionally.

 

Explain the risk, let him know that you understand his need to talk about this, but remind him that discussing emotional/relationship type things is what led you to YOUR affair. Ask him to consider that, and to seek out a professional therapist to help him sort through this instead of another woman.

 

Make sense?

 

Last thought...this is going to sound harsh, ye have been warned. Don't "threaten" your H that you may well collapse if xMM contacts you, and your H is engaged in some kind of behavior that you're not in agreemant with. Your H's choice to discuss something with anyone else...EVEN STARTING A BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIP...has NOTHING...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....to do with your choice to end your affair. And putting that back on him is the LAST thing you should do. Had I been your H...that threat may have been the last...I likely would have walked after that comment, quite frankly.

 

Your choice to do the right thing should have NOTHING to do with his choices.

 

Set a boundary on his interaction with this other woman who's giving him advice...that's fine. But don't make your choice to end the affair CONDITIONAL on your husband's good behavior.

[Tomcat33]

brought up IC and MC again and he doesnt want to do it - i cant push him coz i dont want to push him away' date=' but i told him that he needed to be aware that although he is content to work on the M now, he may very well change his mind down the track - but i dont think he understood, so i dont want to push it even though i know its right. I have mentiond C and a possible change of heart on his part a couple of times, but i dont think he can absorb it - and i sympathise as i know he is going through hell too, albeit a different hell to me.[/quote']

 

He doesn't want help he wants revenge!

 

BNB i understand the logic that a BS can help H to work through things....

 

Not one that works closely with him day in day out and who also happend to be female!

 

There is NO justification here in the world that can sell me on the idea that what they are doing is good for anyone other than their selfish scorned needs and comradery between a straight man and woman can defnitely bring romance.

[Owl]

I wanted to add, since I just saw TC's post after mine...

 

Your H is refusing IC and MC...

 

Here's my thought...you CAN insist on this as a boundary.

 

You can INSIST that if he wants to work out the marriage, you REQUIRE that the both of you attend IC and MC.

 

No one here is telling you that you have to just blithely accept whatever he demands...that would be just foolish.

 

TC's right...his emotional interaction with this woman is RISKY.

 

INSIST that he get started in IC and MC...don't ask anymore.

[Tomcat33]

TC, I agree with your post except for this...

 

 

 

Sorry friend, but while you may feel that all of us BS's that come around here are only here to spew venom, I can assure that this is not the case for most of us. Some...absolutely. But not even the majority. Most of us "regulars" come here with the express intent to HELP...everyone in the situation...to include the OW/OM

 

BNB, WWIU, a lot of the others...are direct PROOF that there ARE BS's out there that are willing to help.

 

 

OWL that I know of you were never one to spew venom. Secondly WWIU was not a BS she was the cheater technically in an EA so that would only make one BS (that being you my friend) who is here to help or at least that is the sense I get. WWIU is a woman who in my observation genuinely has people's best interest in mind she goes with the nature of posts and offers unbiassed balanced advice despite her moral stance on an issue. I respect that. She offered me great support when I came on here too, then again she is not the BS so I can see why her prespective is one that can really help an OP given that she comes from what the cheater must be thinking when they have an affair and she is more open to understand all sides she is not the scorned person so it naturally WOULD come easier to her.

 

As per the rest of your comment on other BSs here: no comment. All we need to do is click on BSs backposts to see what kind of track record they have, and each person can form their own judgement. So to say a lot of BSs are genuinely here to help is an overstatement, and at the end of the day your observation counters mine, (gee that's a surprise we disagree again! ) I have been here long enough and that is my observation. No more comment on that front.

[Owl]

We can always agree to disagree...hehehe, we're getting good at that!

 

I think we both agree on the danger that the woman that Astra's H is going to for advice represents.

 

He definitely needs to end that before it goes any further.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for the compliment TC.

 

I crossed the line by talking to someone online that I'd never met IRL, we both knew it was wrong and it stopped. It wasn't like OWL's situation. My H had a slight EA, if you can call it that, but that stopped as well. Both happened 4 or so years ago, so I can see both sides. Mine was online, his wasn't.

[whichwayisup]

I also think MOST people in general DO reply in good faith and are trying to help. Everyone has their baggage, but the actual advice given usually IS helpful, even if it comes across harshly... And let's not focus on the obvious posts that everyone knows aren't genuine and aren't offering help. MOST BS's that reply to posts here are willing to help, just like the OW's who reply in the infidelity section.

[whichwayisup]

I would insist your husband distance himself from this "helpful" coworker. She can't fix his marriage. Nor should she be trying. It's none of her business. Period.

This is asking for trouble because noone knows this woman's intentions. She shouldn't be his 'close' friend at this time - IF HE NEEDS to talk to someone, let it be a man friend of his or he can get his butt into counselling. Him opening up and having personal conversations when he's vunerable IS putting himself in a situation . Maybe not now, but it WILL lead to something.

 

Astra, I think you do need to seek counselling on your own, even if your H doesn't go right now.

[Tomcat33]

Thanks for the compliment TC.

 

I crossed the line by talking to someone online that I'd never met IRL, we both knew it was wrong and it stopped. It wasn't like OWL's situation. My H had a slight EA, if you can call it that, but that stopped as well. Both happened 4 or so years ago, so I can see both sides. Mine was online, his wasn't.

 

 

Pardon me then, I have never read of your H's EA but I remember your EA distinctly you had documented enough on it at the begining of your stay here so I was familiar with that side. Even better that you were on both ends (not in a real sense I mean for purpose of your prespective not good in real life I am sure) I was cheated on by my fiance and then later in life was the OW.

 

 

OWL yes we are getting quite good at agreeing to disagree

 

Cool Im glad we agree that Astra's H's situation IS dangerous indeed and there is no candy coating that. It is no different than what any person would see if a typical housewife or husband had their spouse confiding in another woman/man at work during a time of crisis.