Am I paranoid or being wary ?

[whichwayisup]

Your H has been emotionally DEVESTATED by your affair. He IS at risk for a revenge affair...or even one not based on revenge, but simply based on rebuilding his self-esteem and self-confidence.

 

Astra, this is something to tell your husband. Let him know this is what you're worried about.

 

When I was at my worst, the anxiety disorder was sky-high, my H and I were distant, he was working alot of crazy hours, so I was alone and having panic attacks. This online guy who was in the same condition as I, we just clicked. It was nice to have someone to talk who understood what I was going through and yes, it was an ego feed too. I didn't realize it was wrong until feelings were felt though we both knew nothing would ever happen. Think it was just more fun to think of the what if's, more fantasy and escape than anything. It wasn't the type of EA like let's leave and change our lives for eachother. Not even close to that. And as for my H's EA, I don't feel comfortable discussing it here.

 

Just please talk to your H and reaffirm your love, your willingness to work on the marriage, and work together without another woman or another man in the picture, even as a friend.

[jj33]

Astra so sorry you are going through this. I can only echo what Tomcat said. Your husband needs you or a professoinal as his number one support - and it is wildly inappropriate for her to call your home.

 

That being said you are not Fuc**d. If your husband is committed to making things work nothing this woman can do will change that. He is hurt he is trying to make sense of everything. You both have a lot of work to do to make things right. But BS (think of the other meaning as well) is not the problem. She is just a BS distraction while his world is spinning. Just my 2c.

 

Hang in there. Big hugs.

[noforgiveness]

Astra one thing really jumped out at me. When in the argument you stated this marriage is over. That had to have cut him to the core and destroyed more trust. I am not saying this to be mean, just pointing out how he may have felt. He probably feels you already gave up on the marriage once by having an affair and then the first real fight and you feeling jealous you basically tell him that's it you're done. I honestly think you will have a lot of work to do to get him to fully check back into your marriage. I would imagine he would be very fearful of putting his heart on the line when he has forgiven you once and you so easily tell him you are throwing it away.

 

I find it horribly sad he begged you to stay. Does not sound like a man who wants an affair to me, sounds like one who loves you. I think you owe him an apology for overreacting but especially for so easily saying you are done with the marriage.

 

I think warning him of the potential dangers of an emotional affair is good but to think they are planning one is wrong. I can't imagine 2 bs's who loved their spouses enough to kick them to the curb would intentionally enter into an afffair. You have to understand he is hurt and has no one to tell that would understand.

 

Be kind to him. Oh and I'm surprised the marriage certificate wasn't smashed before.

[Tomcat33]

 

I think warning him of the potential dangers of an emotional affair is good but to think they are planning one is wrong. I can't imagine 2 bs's who loved their spouses enough to kick them to the curb would intentionally enter into an afffair. You have to understand he is hurt and has no one to

 

 

First of all says who it's wrong to feel like they are planning something, they may not be planning but allowing themselves to be in the situation as they are IS potentially something dangerous waiting to happen.

 

Second of all, are you kidding me? Two BSs seeking revenge or inadvertantly developing weird emotional crushes for each other happens all the time especially when it is fresh. It's not about looking for love for each other or lack there of for their WSs, it's about two emotionally distraught people coming together in a very fragile state harbouring a lot of resentment and MIXED emotions, it is a PERFECT situation for an inapropirate romantic tie to happen!

[noforgiveness]

First of all says who it's wrong to feel like they are planning something, they may not be planning but allowing themselves to be in the situation as they are IS potentially something dangerous waiting to happen.

 

Second of all, are you kidding me? Two BSs seeking revenge or inadvertantly developing weird emotional crushes for each other happens all the time especially when it is fresh. It's not about looking for love for each other or lack there of for their WSs, it's about two emotionally distraught people coming together in a very fragile state harbouring a lot of resentment and MIXED emotions, it is a PERFECT situation for an inapropirate romantic tie to happen!

 

and you know this how? A BS knows the pain and destruction affairs cause and would not want to do the same to someone else. Why would you think befriending someone is to seek revenge? Some men and women can actually be friends without taking their pants down.

[Owl]

I doubt its so much about resentment nearly as much as its about commiseration and understanding what each other is/has gone through.

 

I doubt that there's any "anger" in any of this...her H is looking for an outlet, and understanding, and potentially that validation I'd mentioned earlier. The woman he's talking to is probably just trying to help and commiserate with someone who's also been where she's been...and neither of them are THINKING about the risks.

[noforgiveness]

First of all says who it's wrong to feel like they are planning something, they may not be planning but allowing themselves to be in the situation as they are IS potentially something dangerous waiting to happen.

 

Second of all, are you kidding me? Two BSs seeking revenge or inadvertantly developing weird emotional crushes for each other happens all the time especially when it is fresh. It's not about looking for love for each other or lack there of for their WSs, it's about two emotionally distraught people coming together in a very fragile state harbouring a lot of resentment and MIXED emotions, it is a PERFECT situation for an inapropirate romantic tie to happen!

 

:mad:Why the attitude? Seriously. Can you never accept that someone may have a different opinion then you? I was giving the BS perspective. Do you have experience with that? You really have to argue about everything. This is about advice for Astra not about YOU.

[Tomcat33]

and you know this how? A BS knows the pain and destruction affairs cause and would not want to do the same to someone else. Why would you think befriending someone is to seek revenge? Some men and women can actually be friends without taking their pants down.

 

 

I don't think befreinding someone of the opposite sex outside the marriage IS to seek revenge I think for a man and a woman to befriend and become confidants for each other OUTSIDE of their marriage is an affair waiting to happen, you'd be a fool to trust your mate spending emotional time with someone else of the opposite sex and think there is NO danger at all. Moreso in this case where they are using this friendship to discuss the spouse of one of them, where they are both using this partnership to discuss the deep pain they have both suffered.

You would be a fool not to question this.

[Kamikaze]

TC, I agree with your post except for this...

 

 

 

Sorry friend, but while you may feel that all of us BS's that come around here are only here to spew venom, I can assure that this is not the case for most of us. Some...absolutely. But not even the majority. Most of us "regulars" come here with the express intent to HELP...everyone in the situation...to include the OW/OM.

 

BNB, WWIU, a lot of the others...are direct PROOF that there ARE BS's out there that are willing to help.

 

I will support this statement wholeheartedly! There are many BS on this LS that have, and continue, to help me - an xOW. OWL has been a great help and I feel the advice comes from the heart and not out of hatred.

 

Just MHO

Kami

[Tomcat33]

I doubt its so much about resentment nearly as much as its about commiseration and understanding what each other is/has gone through.

 

I doubt that there's any "anger" in any of this...her H is looking for an outlet, and understanding, and potentially that validation I'd mentioned earlier. The woman he's talking to is probably just trying to help and commiserate with someone who's also been where she's been...and neither of them are THINKING about the risks.

 

 

OWL how can you say you doubt this is about resentment or anger when in another thread you just finished posting that when the affair happened against you you felt like you could kill the OM and your W was afraid for what you would? You mean to tell me you felt no anger at all for your W after she cheated on you?

[Tomcat33]

:mad:Why the attitude? Seriously. Can you never accept that someone may have a different opinion then you? I was giving the BS perspective. Do you have experience with that? You really have to argue about everything. This is about advice for Astra not about YOU.

 

ditto!

[Tomcat33]

IThe woman he's talking to is probably just trying to help and commiserate with someone who's also been where she's been...and neither of them are THINKING about the risks.

 

 

OWL, OWL OWL did you see what you just wrote here?

Do you know how many of us were trying to help our married men when we also started talking about things we felt we could help in terms of emtioinal support for our men? Do you know how many A's on this board started off EXACTLY as you just described up there.

 

I am shocked you all people could so blindly miss that!!!

[Terminator]

May I just say astra, I find your histrionics deplorable considering what I've read regarding your affair and how you handled it with your H.

Who says you get to control how your H acts after what you've done?

 

If you really want to fix your M you are going to have to stop with the threats of "this M is over" etc etc. Fixing your M will take both of you, it's not just up to whatever you are willing and prepared to do.

 

Having said that, it's probably as Owl said, they are just two people with a common grounds as far as having both been the BS in a M and aren't even seeing any inherent risks in their R.

 

I think your overreaction was probably engendered by a fear of "what goes around comes around".

[noforgiveness]

OWL, OWL OWL did you see what you just wrote here?

Do you know how many of us were trying to help our married men when we also started talking about things we felt we could help in terms of emtioinal support for our men? Do you know how many A's on this board started off EXACTLY as you just described up there.

 

I am shocked you all people could so blindly miss that!!!

 

 

If Astra can not trust her husband to have a two minute phone call from a coworker at the house when she was home in the open and not hidden then yes I think this marriage is over. It wasn't a text, it wasn't on his cell phone, it wasn't kept in secret, he didn't leave the roon to talk. Sounds to me tomcat that you do not trust ANYONE. Maybe because you know your own behavior?

 

So Tomcat when you get a SO I assume he will not be able to talk to the opposite sex?

[Tomcat33]

If Astra can not trust her husband to have a two minute phone call from a coworker at the house when she was home in the open and not hidden then yes I think this marriage is over. It wasn't a text, it wasn't on his cell phone, it wasn't kept in secret, he didn't leave the roon to talk. Sounds to me tomcat that you do not trust ANYONE. Maybe because you know your own behavior?

 

Oh please it's not a "2min conversation" stop playing it down. I refuse to explain it to you, you are playing silly now and quite frankly I am not amused in the least.

 

I have Astra's best interest in mind and she is 100% fine with questioning what is happening between her H and this woman. no one has the crystal ball or knows what will pan out, nor am I saying something WILL pan out but there is absolutely NO harm in keeping her eyes and ears open and being proactive in terms of letting her H know that what he is doing is not only inapropriate it is dangerous and she is not happy with it. Just because they are in recovery it does not mean her H has card blanche to do as he pleases with WHOM he pleases under the pretext that he is "getting support" if he wants support he should seek therapy, as any NORMAL human being would but he refuses. Instead what he wants is this woman to be his confidant and support system, PUUUUUUUUHLEASE!

 

If Astra feels harm can happen from their "friendship" she has EVERY right to talk to her H about this and let him know how she feels, afterall they are married to each other not to you OR me or this damsel in distress who is calling Astra's house to check on Astras H! she has some cheek that woman!!!

Let's get real shall we?

[Terminator]

If Astra can not trust her husband to have a two minute phone call from a coworker at the house when she was home in the open and not hidden then yes I think this marriage is over. It wasn't a text, it wasn't on his cell phone, it wasn't kept in secret, he didn't leave the roon to talk. Sounds to me tomcat that you do not trust ANYONE. Maybe because you know your own behavior?

 

So Tomcat when you get a SO I assume he will not be able to talk to the opposite sex?

 

I don't believe that was the point Tomcat was making at all. She was merely pointing out to Owl that many many affairs begin by the OW to be lending a sympathetic/empathatic ear to a MMs woes (as he tells them).

 

Maybe when you read between the lines what you see isn't always what's really there? Just a thought.

[Tomcat33]

I don't believe that was the point Tomcat was making at all. She was merely pointing out to Owl that many many affairs begin by the OW to be lending a sympathetic/empathatic ear to a MMs woes (as he tells them).

 

Maybe when you read between the lines what you see isn't always what's really there? Just a thought.

 

Yes thank you, that is exactly what I am saying!

[noforgiveness]

I don't believe that was the point Tomcat was making at all. She was merely pointing out to Owl that many many affairs begin by the OW to be lending a sympathetic/empathatic ear to a MMs woes (as he tells them).

 

Maybe when you read between the lines what you see isn't always what's really there? Just a thought.

 

 

Astra's husband is not talking to a single woman though. He is getting help for his marriage to work. he has agreed to reconcile. He is not crying poor me my marriage sucks to wooo a single woman.

 

Astra will never recover her marriage being this controlling to her husband. He will resent it especially considering her history. He did nothing to lose her trust.

[noforgiveness]

Oh please it's not a "2min conversation" stop playing it down. I refuse to explain it to you, you are playing silly now and quite frankly I am not amused in the least.

 

I have Astra's best interest in mind and she is 100% fine with questioning what is happening between her H and this woman. no one has the crystal ball or knows what will pan out, nor am I saying something WILL pan out but there is absolutely NO harm in keeping her eyes and ears open and being proactive in terms of letting her H know that what he is doing is not only inapropriate it is dangerous and she is not happy with it. Just because they are in recovery it does not mean her H has card blanche to do as he pleases with WHOM he pleases under the pretext that he is "getting support" if he wants support he should seek therapy, as any NORMAL human being would but he refuses. Instead what he wants is this woman to be his confidant and support system, PUUUUUUUUHLEASE!

 

If Astra feels harm can happen from their "friendship" she has EVERY right to talk to her H about this and let him know how she feels, afterall they are married to each other not to you OR me or this damsel in distress who is calling Astra's house to check on Astras H! she has some cheek that woman!!!

Let's get real shall we?

 

I was trying to help Astra see how her husband may be feeling about her saying this marriage is over.

 

Treating her husband this way will seriously harm her marriage.

[Tomcat33]

Astra's husband is not talking to a single woman though. He is getting help for his marriage to work. he has agreed to reconcile. He is not crying poor me my marriage sucks to wooo a single woman.

 

 

 

OMG!!! Because affairs never happen between happily married women and men right? Only single women engage in affairs? Since they are taken and happy and all, they are completely immune to affairs.... That's a really naive thing to say NF!! And he is getting help from another woman he is becoming close friends with at work, he should seek REAL help if that is what he wants, why does he refuse prof. help?

 

On the last comment of what he is and is not saying, you have NO clue what he is talking to with this coworker woman of his, no clue!! You also have no clue what her motives are, yes it could be simply to help, but by the mere fact that this woman took the liberty of calling this man at home to check up on him just seems like both he and her are disrespecting the sensitive situation both Astra and her H are in, that phone call is the fist clear sign of an alliance forming between the two BSs/coworkers. Who would call a coworker man who had just been cheated on by his W to his HOUSE to check up on him? That seems awfully intrusive to me.

 

As much as it is good to give people the benefit of the doubt unless you know the facts for fact you really have to look out for #1 and it's better to be safe than sorry in something like this.

It's hard for someone like Astra to see this right now because in her own state of guilt and feelings of inadequacy in terms of what she did to her H she may excuse certain things that normaly she might not under the reason that her H's feather's must not be ruffled in any way now.

It's touchy all around.

 

On a sidenote this thread is EXTREMELY interesting to see because what is playing out here is a lot of the "reasons OPs give" for how they got embroilled in their situations and that BSs only see as lame excuses, BSs are actually justifying when the protagonists are BSs looking for support.....

[herenow]

Logic would tell me that a woman who is interested in an inappropriate relationship with a MM isn't going to call his home at a time when his wife may be home. If this is a game they are playing to get back at the OP, then I would have to say that he isn't very interested in working on the marriage.

 

As a BS, I would NEVER even think about getting involved in an affair of any kind EA or PA. I know the pain that it can cause to everyone involved, including myself, and there is no way that's going to happen. Maybe this woman was truly making a call to see how he was doing. She may have no interest in him in the least. There is that possibility that she is really a friend that has something in common with the OP's H and is willing to listen to him.

[noforgiveness]

They are a couple. They are in this together as a couple and should communicate and look out for one another. See I believe in respecting other peoples feelings and doing to others as I would like to have done to me. I do not believe my feelings wants or needs are NUMBER ONE before others.

 

 

Astra I hope you read my first and original post to you. It was posted in all sincerity and with the intent for you to see how your husband may be feeling after you said the marriage was over.

[Owl]

OWL, OWL OWL did you see what you just wrote here?

Do you know how many of us were trying to help our married men when we also started talking about things we felt we could help in terms of emtioinal support for our men? Do you know how many A's on this board started off EXACTLY as you just described up there.

 

I am shocked you all people could so blindly miss that!!!

 

I think you're misunderstanding me...

 

I'm not advocating that he continue to discuss this with this woman...not at all. You're RIGHT...this could easily, VERY EASILY lead to him becoming emotionally entangled and starting an affair.

 

I'm not disputing that point at all.

 

What I'm saying is that this is STARTING with the same kind of communication that the OW/MM conversations/affairs start...not with resentment and anger, but with intimate communication on a very emotional level. They're sharing emotions and information that should be reserved for Astra...

 

But what I'm saying is that I doubt that this woman communicating with him out of some sense of resentment or anger or intent to "get back at" anyone...nor do I think he's doing so either. I think he's commiserating and looking for someone who knows and understands what he's going through...but his choice is a BAD one that could lead to an affair.

 

Not resentment about his wife..

 

And...at the end of the day it doesn't matter WHY he's communicating with her...its a risk considering where things are at right now. PERIOD.

 

I don't think you and I are at odds on this...

[Owl]

OWL how can you say you doubt this is about resentment or anger when in another thread you just finished posting that when the affair happened against you you felt like you could kill the OM and your W was afraid for what you would? You mean to tell me you felt no anger at all for your W after she cheated on you?

 

Absolutely not...I was of course FURIOUS with my wife.

 

But...I had no intent or desire to start an affair with anyone, or to 'retaliate' against her in such a fashion.

 

And none of my communication with ANYONE was based off of anger or resentment with my wife.

 

I was looking for people who could help me understand why in the heck this had all happened, and give me some kind of guidance and hope that it could be fixed.

 

That's what I think Astra's H is doing as well.

 

But his MISTAKE is WHERE he's going, and the risk he's taking by talking to this other woman. And the odds are high...he doesn't realize that risk yet.

 

See the difference here, my friend?

[Tomcat33]

Logic would tell me that a woman who is interested in an inappropriate relationship with a MM isn't going to call his home at a time when his wife may be home. If this is a game they are playing to get back at the OP, then I would have to say that he isn't very interested in working on the marriage.

 

 

 

That same logic I also applied when I first met my ex and he would call me from his house and we would spend an hour on the phone talking about all sorts of innocuous things while his W would come in to let him know dinner was ready and he was sad to hang up the phone. I wasn't doing ANYTHING inapropriate at all, we would call me from his home and we were developing a working relationship and we thoroughly enjoyed talking about anything and everything and our work talks would quickly turn into life talks. All innocent and completely normal in terms of crossing moral lines.

 

Just a thought.