Am I paranoid or being wary ?

[Tomcat33]

.

 

What I'm saying is that this is STARTING with the same kind of communication that the OW/MM conversations/affairs start...not with resentment and anger, but with intimate communication on a very emotional level. They're sharing emotions and information that should be reserved for Astra...

 

But what I'm saying is that I doubt that this woman communicating with him out of some sense of resentment or anger or intent to "get back at" anyone...nor do I think he's doing so either. I think he's commiserating and looking for someone who knows and understands what he's going through...but his choice is a BAD one that could lead to an affair.

 

Not resentment about his wife..

 

 

Oh yes yes I see what you mean. Thanks for clarifying that!

[Terminator]

Absolutely not...I was of course FURIOUS with my wife.

 

But...I had no intent or desire to start an affair with anyone, or to 'retaliate' against her in such a fashion.

 

And none of my communication with ANYONE was based off of anger or resentment with my wife.

 

I was looking for people who could help me understand why in the heck this had all happened, and give me some kind of guidance and hope that it could be fixed.

 

That's what I think Astra's H is doing as well.

 

But his MISTAKE is WHERE he's going, and the risk he's taking by talking to this other woman. And the odds are high...he doesn't realize that risk yet.

 

See the difference here, my friend?

 

Yes, but I also think astra would do well to turn down her "moral outrage" volume button just a tad considering the past, doncha think?

[Owl]

See my original response to Astra in this thread:

 

I'd suggest that you try to calm down, and talk about this RATIONALLY, instead of emotionally.

 

Explain the risk, let him know that you understand his need to talk about this, but remind him that discussing emotional/relationship type things is what led you to YOUR affair. Ask him to consider that, and to seek out a professional therapist to help him sort through this instead of another woman.

 

Make sense?

 

Last thought...this is going to sound harsh, ye have been warned. Don't "threaten" your H that you may well collapse if xMM contacts you, and your H is engaged in some kind of behavior that you're not in agreemant with. Your H's choice to discuss something with anyone else...EVEN STARTING A BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIP...has NOTHING...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING....to do with your choice to end your affair. And putting that back on him is the LAST thing you should do. Had I been your H...that threat may have been the last...I likely would have walked after that comment, quite frankly.

 

Your choice to do the right thing should have NOTHING to do with his choices.

 

Set a boundary on his interaction with this other woman who's giving him advice...that's fine. But don't make your choice to end the affair CONDITIONAL on your husband's good behavior.

[pelicanpreacher]

Another major factor compelling Astra's husband's motivation to talk with OW/BS is his need to vent emotions currently bottled up that he can't express to Astra right now. He knows his marriage is on thin ice and, even though he's confused about his feelings right now, he's trying to restore it without making things worse by letting his emotions do the talking. Astra, you might suggest your husband post on the LS Infidelity board to vent, postulate, and commiserate with others of like circumstances as a way of surrogating his need to continue a connection with OW/BS.

[Agent_99]

First, MW and I used to talk on the phone all the time while her BS was home. We were 'open' friends. And that's all anyone thought we were. There were times we went out with BS permission. for pete's sake, I spent Thanksgiving at their house last year! so the whole innocent phone call thing, just because it was when the friend knew astra was home doesn't mean diddly.

 

Next this is not about moral high ground as someone said. Astra came clean with hubby and they decided TOGETHER to work on the M. She has every right to say that something isn't working for her. Just like he has the right to say the A won't work for him and walk away. The point is they both want to work on it.

 

Obviously emotions are running high. duh! She just ended one relationship, has big issues to work through in an existing one. Her and hubby should be bonding right now, not him bonding with someone else, who although she (the friend) is married, from the sounds of it is in a vunerable state herself (hubby in jail?!?!).

 

Yes I know that he is hurting and doesn't know which way to turn, I've BEEN THERE. It takes a long time to heal from something like this. but I tell you what, when it happened to me, if I had confided in someone other than hubby and counselor, it would have undermined my efforts to heal. although that is just ME. If it had been someone I could find attractive, well my M wouldn't have survived, it would have been easier to form a bond with someone new than to reform a bond that had been broken by lies and deceit.

 

As it stands though, my XH's A years ago was the beginning of the end of our M. Looking back we both see it now. Things were never the same between us, and even though we regained trust and were even closer after his A. The scar to our relationship was always there.

 

~99

[OpenBook]

My guess... astra's H is alternating between rage, thoughts of revenge, numbness, hope, and back to rage again. I must admit my mouth dropped when I read she accused HIM of cheating after that phone call. That was pretty nervy!! I cannot imagine being in his shoes. Any reaction he might have to that, he's completely entitled to. I'm not surprised it was white hot anger. Men respond to rage a lot different from women. It would be unwise, IMO, for astra to try to predict his reactions based on how SHE might react. He's a totally different person from her. If I were astra, I would be extremely nervous right now... especially since he won't go for counseling.

[astra77]

H and I had a MAJOR breakthrough last night - emotions turned to rational thoughts and discussions - funny thing is some of you here had mentioned what we discussed last night, so reading her was re affirmation for us both - H is sitting here now and reading with me.

 

It was mentioned for me to not be too moral - i get this - i can say to H this doesnt sit well with me, but SHOULD NOT have said it M over, i did overreacted, but as TC said - i need to be careful. VERY careful. Have to find that balance - very hard as neither of us have dealt with this before.

 

My H and the other BS may not realise or have intentions of starting an A, but I CAN SEE THIS HAPPENING - THIS IS HOW IT STARTED FOR ME.

 

in a way I am glad this happened - she threatened my M - now i understand EXACTLY how H feels, and at the same time, as innocent as H is - he can see how this is a dangerous situation, how easy it is to be distracted and now understands my position and can see how i got caught up in this damned A.

 

So i have to calm my ass down a tad, set boundaries - which we have been discussing, H has agreed NC with the BS - now that HIS eyes are open to the danger, he sees the risk and is not willing to even go there with this woman.

 

While you guys jumped off track little at one stage - OOPS hahhaha - you have ALL helped us. I am able to see both sides of the equation more balanced now - make sense??

 

While it may be all innocent AT THIS STAGE, there is the VERY REAL possiblity it could have all gone pear shaped and OMG, not going there.

 

What doesnt kill you can only make you stronger.

[OpenBook]

H and I had a MAJOR breakthrough last night - emotions turned to rational thoughts and discussions - funny thing is some of you here had mentioned what we discussed last night, so reading her was re affirmation for us both - H is sitting here now and reading with me.

 

Astra, I wish you and your H all the best. This is a VERY good sign... just the fact that you're sitting together!! You got married to take care of each other. I hope you do it well from here on out. Good luck!

[Tomcat33]

Astra and Husband (if you are reading)

 

I am so glad that the two of you had a chat, that you are willing to do what it takes to work through this hard time together for one common goal, and that you were able to get on the same page. Smart move to cut the coworker woman out of the equation, it is the last thing you both need right now regarless how innocent it was.

 

As good as this BS's intentions can be, Astra you and your hubbie need to reconnect and work on this together not add more fuel to the fire despite what the outcome will be you are best to work together. Your H is a very good man and it shows he really loves you Astra and is willing to do what it takes to meet you half way in this recovery and this cannot go unnoticed, you are a lucky woman.

 

I wish you all the best.