my partner says she is not in love with me any more after 18 years

[glynnroy]

Hi every one ,I have moved out of my house and into a flat ,as my partner of 18 years says she is on longer in love with me .She told me she loves me very much but is no longer in love with me .There was on one else involved .but because she was unhappy in her relationship she confided in a polish guy from work ,who she thought she had fallen in love with .She told me the truth about him and she felt guilty ,but it was just talking and texts between them and thats it ,which i belive he has gone home now about 4 months ago to get married ,at which stage we decide to seperate .We havent had sex in over a year because how she felt ,she says we have grown apart as she tends to not worry about things but i do .I have always provide for her and love her dearly but we did start to argue about silly things which got on both of our nerves .She says i have to move on and i have not got to wait for her as she doesnt know what she wants ,in one breath she tells people i need 6 months to sort my head out and then she tells others at this moment in time theres no chance of getting back ,but never say never ,she says its the hardest decision she has ever had to make ,but she knows it right because at this moment in time she is happy on her own,i have had to get my own place to give her space ,but im afraid that she will never come back to me,i am trying to distance my self from her ,but she does send me the odd text message ,so she is thinking about me , she has been very honest with me about her feelings ,but i love her so much it hurts ,i tried asking her to go with me to talk to someone ,but she says she doesnt want to at this at this moment in time ,she just says you have to let me go and if we are meant to be as one it will happen ,she told me last night in 2 months time when i get a new partner it might be the wake up call she needs,people have told her she needs a reality check because of the good like she has ,money will now be tight ,how should i play this one and any predictions please,we have 2 kids 9 and 6 and i do belive you shouldnt stay together just for if kids if your not happy .

[Ladyjane14]

There are lots of current threads here in the forum that you might want to read through in order to get you thinking about how to handle your situation. Here's one from awhile back where I believe the marriage was a bit more lengthly before the break up: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t125202/?highlight=mike1966

Follow PWSX3 back to his earlier threads too. That is also a longstanding marriage. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101383/

[TrustInYourself]

I am with you brother. You're definitely not alone in your situation.

 

I'm in the same situation. I've known my wife for half my life. I know exactly how you are feeling. Despair, grief, sadness, anger, disgust. Oh yeah, those are fun feelings. It's hard.

 

Check up on my posts and you can read up on my pain and growth. There are quite a few stories here that are unique, yet similar.

 

As far as advice right now. Take some time for yourself. Dive into work. Dive into your social life. Reflect on you. Focus on doing things that make you happy.

 

Stop contacting her. Let the situation cool down a bit and just relax. If she knows how you feel, it's in her court. Just let her have a chance to miss you. Build on yourself. Use this pain. Use this crisis to grow.

[whichwayisup]

we have 2 kids 9 and 6 and i do belive you shouldnt stay together just for if kids if your not happy .

 

I agree, but because of your two children, you both owe it to them TO make the marriage work and give it your best.

 

She chose to look elsewhere and those feelings she got from the OM have messed her up and now what she felt for him (in the sense of it being a crush, the heart flutters, excitement that ALL new relationships have) can't compare to what she feels for you. What you have with her is long lasting love - The kind of love that is everything - Good and bad. She is basing whatever she feels because of the OM. She hasn't given you or the marriage a chance to see if those feelings she DID have for you, can come back (the inlove feeling). Ofcourse it won't ever be like it was when you two first met and got married, but it CAN and SHOULD be close to that, plus throw in the history you two have together...Families, inlaws, friends, the house, a life built..Everything together.

 

She owes it to herself, you and the kids to give her best. Unfortunately if she is unwilling to try and it sounds like she is unwilling, all you can do is focus on you and your children, and give her space to figure this out.

 

I HOPE that she is being truthful with you, that she isn't involved with the OM and is hasn't turned into an affair.

[Phateless]

I'm gonna ask the obvious question - what happened to the sex? Not having sex in over a year should have been a major clue that your relationship is in trouble.

[glynnroy]

I'm gonna ask the obvious question - what happened to the sex? Not having sex in over a year should have been a major clue that your relationship is in trouble.

The problem was ,she has never had a high sex drive ,but looking back it it plain to see ,she used to come out with ,well none of my mates do it as much now they have had kids ,i see it now but not at the time ,i agree about the heart fluttering with a new romance ,its true ,she kept telling me she was depressed and tired ,god im an ass ,listen to this, i took my kids kick boxing the other night and a psychic came up to me and said there is a ring coming off in your relationship and for the long term its for the best ,she also picked up on this guy from work and said there had been alot of deceit in the relationship and she didnt belive her when i said she had not seen him out of work ,what do you make of that the woman also said dont contact her and give it 1 month and dont jump into anything and after a month you will know,loads of good advice on here keep it coming it makes me feel better ,if you want to read her thread check out _polish forums_and do a search for the member called_jopper

[glynnroy]

any more advice please,or theories,i have done some searching and from other people it sounds like,she had more feelings for this guy than meets the eye ,i am trying to distance myself from her to get my head straight ,but i still get texts and phone calls from her,she says she is still loves me but not in love with me ,i know i have to move on and the less contact the better,

[glynnroy]

I forgot to mention ,last week i sent her a text message as i needed to get on with my life ,i told her that i needed to in away for a while to get my head straight ,i asked her not to text and call me and to do everything through her mother ,especially with the kids ,she went mad at me ,saying it was about my feelings and not hers and she was suffering as well,she had done everything i asked for like going along with me moving out and getting a flat ,she also said she had been worrying about me and the kids and putting up before herself,she also said its all about me again,well i backed down and convinced myself i was wrong for wanting the space,but i need to get away from her texts and calls so that i can move on,please help me

[TrustInYourself]

There's nothing wrong with wanting space. Just be cool and not let her control your emotions.

 

As far as her feelings go, let her worry about them.

[HokeyReligions]

Try to let her go and move on. Stay involved with your kids, but keep contact with her at a minimum. Or talk to her about living separate lives together for the sake of the kids. That's hard to do, but it can be done.

 

Sex isn't everything. My husband decided somewhere around our 3rd year of marriage that he didn't want to have sex with me any more. We've been together 25+ years and havn't had sex in at least 14 years and before that it was maybe 1-2 times a year and only if I initiated it. That left me feeling horrible about myself, like what was so wrong with me that my own husband, who said he loved me, didn't want me. I had opportunities to have lovers (never did) but for most of my life I've believed that there was something horrendously wrong with me and that I did not deserve any kind of love or affection.

 

I've overcome it now by getting control of my feelings. Now I don't feel anything and I'm much happier and we can live our separate lives in the same house.

 

Maybe this would work for you. I've known other couples who learn not to feel and eventually they don't feel. Its very liberating because not much can hurt us now. I don't need anyone else and have learned to be totally self-sufficient, with one exception. I'm phobic about bugs and I depend on hubby to kill them!

[Lizzie60]

You almost described my experience with my first ex to a T...

 

I moved out... I was not in love with him anymore. We had a son together... He went on a deep depression to a point where it scared me.. he lost 65 pounds and he was about 175... so you can imagine what he looked like.. he was off work for over a year... on medication..

 

He 'threatened' me with his health and my son's mental health.. saying he (child) would be damaged ...blablabla.. that the only way to save him was to come back home and work on our relationship (we never married but lived common-law for 18 years and I was his OW for 11 years prior)..

 

Did I regret my move.. no.. I wasn't cheating.. I moved in a small apartment for a year.. dated two guys in that period of time.. he didn't but that was his choice..

 

When people get sick (depression, etc) because of a separation, they can't blame their partner... they have to move on.. they cannot keep their partner 'hostage' for their well-being.. that's what my SO was trying to do... but I knew he would go through.. everybody does (or most anyway)..

 

When there is nothing left, it is better IMO to move on and try to find happiness.. life is too short and there is only ONE... we have no second chances.

 

The only thing I find kind is odd is that she keeps sending you text after you told her not to.. unless it is because of the kids.. then you don't have much choice but to keep in touch... the kids won't go away.

 

My advice.. take care of yourself.. don't try to get her back in any ways.. it just won't work.. or if it does, it won't work for a long time.. best thing is to move on.. get a good support system from your family and friends.

 

Stay 'friend' with her for your kids' sake... you still have to be good parents.. relationships fail all the time but parenthood can't.

 

Good luck.

[TrustInYourself]

Have some self respect dude. Blow her off. Keep communication to the kids. If she gives you trouble, tell her you're not Polish.

[glynnroy]

You almost described my experience with my first ex to a T...

 

I moved out... I was not in love with him anymore. We had a son together... He went on a deep depression to a point where it scared me.. he lost 65 pounds and he was about 175... so you can imagine what he looked like.. he was off work for over a year... on medication..

 

He 'threatened' me with his health and my son's mental health.. saying he (child) would be damaged ...blablabla.. that the only way to save him was to come back home and work on our relationship (we never married but lived common-law for 18 years and I was his OW for 11 years prior)..

 

Did I regret my move.. no.. I wasn't cheating.. I moved in a small apartment for a year.. dated two guys in that period of time.. he didn't but that was his choice..

 

When people get sick (depression, etc) because of a separation, they can't blame their partner... they have to move on.. they cannot keep their partner 'hostage' for their well-being.. that's what my SO was trying to do... but I knew he would go through.. everybody does (or most anyway)..

 

When there is nothing left, it is better IMO to move on and try to find happiness.. life is too short and there is only ONE... we have no second chances.

 

The only thing I find kind is odd is that she keeps sending you text after you told her not to.. unless it is because of the kids.. then you don't have much choice but to keep in touch... the kids won't go away.

 

My advice.. take care of yourself.. don't try to get her back in any ways.. it just won't work.. or if it does, it won't work for a long time.. best thing is to move on.. get a good support system from your family and friends.

 

Stay 'friend' with her for your kids' sake... you still have to be good parents.. relationships fail all the time but parenthood can't.

 

Good luck.

Yes it is strange ,i think its because she cares for me

Alot which i have already said,she told me she could not image me being in her life after 18 years and she still says i am her best friend ,she has never lied to me and i just know she never would ,thats the way she is,she also said do not listen to what people say if they tell you i am seeing someone ,she said i would be the first to know if she wanted another relationship,all i can say is this,she just rang me about 1 hour age and the first words she said was ,where are you,i think she needs time to post her head out ,she is not looking for love any where else ,i honestly believe that ,but i have to face reality that one day if its not me it will be some one else,she is happy on her own doing her own thing for the time ,but some where down the line ,she is going to want a kiss and a cuddle from some one,

[TrustInYourself]

Yes it is strange ,i think its because she cares for me

Alot which i have already said,she told me she could not image me being in her life after 18 years and she still says i am her best friend ,she has never lied to me and i just know she never would ,thats the way she is,she also said do not listen to what people say if they tell you i am seeing someone ,she said i would be the first to know if she wanted another relationship,all i can say is this,she just rang me about 1 hour age and the first words she said was ,where are you,i think she needs time to post her head out ,she is not looking for love any where else ,i honestly believe that ,but i have to face reality that one day if its not me it will be some one else,she is happy on her own doing her own thing for the time ,but some where down the line ,she is going to want a kiss and a cuddle from some one,

 

 

Very true. You are on point my man. I think following your own heart is key.

 

Ignore my posts prior. I'm in a pissed off mood. My wife told me the same thing, moved out, told me she feels like coming back, yet here we are in ****ing limbo.

 

She asked me to come over last night, I did, and now I am back at home wondering why I even bother. I need to be strong like you and just tell her leave me alone. That's my problem. I listen to her and try too damn hard. I'm weak at times. Stupid emotions.

[glynnroy]

Very true. You are on point my man. I think following your own heart is key.

 

Ignore my posts prior. I'm in a pissed off mood. My wife told me the same thing, moved out, told me she feels like coming back, yet here we are in ****ing limbo.

 

She asked me to come over last night, I did, and now I am back at home wondering why I even bother. I need to be strong like you and just tell her leave me alone. That's my problem. I listen to her and try too damn hard. I'm weak at times. Stupid emotions.

Dude i hear you man i hear you ,it sounds like she is playing you bit ,why does she not want to commit to you is she sacred of something ,it sounds like she has feelings for you but you are making it too easy for her mate,she wants you when she wants you and when yo want her she is not playing ball if this i so let me know i could help

[Ronni_W]

any more advice please,or theories,

Glynnroy,

from my own experience, and after 100s of hours of therapy and thousands more hours of self-reflection, self-help, etc., I can clearly see that I "fell in love" and got married from a really dysfunctional place. I just had zero self-awareness of my emotional needs, desires and dreams.

 

For all intents and purposes, you are in the same position as my now-ex. With my current knowledge, this is how I would have advised him...tell [me] to go and figure out my current needs and desires; to get totally clear on what I want and need from my life. Do not even try to win [me] back until I know WTF is going on inside of myself. Then, and only then, sit down (probably bring in marriage counseling at this point) and determine if he wants to, and how he can, support and encourage my "new" stuff. Know that he has the right and authority to say 'no' to my new needs and desires because, in changing those things, I am also modifying our "original contract" as it were. Also, know without doubt that it does not mean that he is flawed, limited or 'wrong' in any way, if he won't or can't step into [my] new paradigm. If possible or needed, go 'no contact' while I am doing my necessary inner work and gaining insight -- that is MY crap, and I don't have a right to subject him to its painful consequences and repercussions. Do not become a doormat for [my] own confusion and pain; do not allow that to become his confusion and pain.

 

In the end, it may prove that your set of beliefs, strengths, needs, desires, etc., are no longer in sync with hers, for whatever reason. It then would be difficult if not impossible for you to support each other as well as in the past, and as well as you both deserve. But she owes it to you and your kids to do ALL of the work that SHE needs to do, to enable BOTH of you to make accurate assessments and well-informed decision about that.

 

-----

Not that I had ever intentionally misled him, or expected him to change or grow at the same rate as I may in the future. But...

If I had had ANY self-clue at all, it would have been perfectly obvious right from the start that my (ex) husband was 100% perfect for my Dysfunctional Self but, had it been my Aware Self that was doing the choosing, would not have chosen him only because my Aware Self has such different needs and desires. It would have been obvious that I could not have fulfilled these within a relationship with him.

 

And NOT that I was looking to him to fulfill my needs and wants. But that, once in relationship, we find ourselves being either encouraged or discouraged to fulfill our own needs. And, over time and with inevitable changes, the relationship either proves itself to be able to sustain personal growth and expansion, or to limit it.

 

When it becomes limiting, it is NOT a reflection on our partner. My ex is a great guy with a good heart. But, he also "fell in love" with and married my Dysfunctional Self. He never signed up to deal with or support my Aware Self. Our dysfunctions were perfectly and wonderfully in sync.

When my Aware Self showed up, he did make an effort to try to accept, love and support it. But to really do that required him to do the emotional work necessary to make some internal shifts in his own beliefs and perspectives about 'me' -- "new me" versus "old me", is the best I can describe it.

 

Doing that kind of emotional work was not appealing to him, and I wasn't prepared to stay the (dysfunctional) person that he had grown to know and love. It isn't a flaw on either of our parts.

 

Sometimes, yes, it is another person that facilitates one partner's shift towards awareness but it is far less about the (new) person than the feelings, needs, desires that begin to emerge. They may start as a trickle, and grow until they are experienced like Niagara Falls. Often people make the mistake of believing that it is the (new) person who will make everything feel "good and safe" again. When what is really needed is doing the work to get clear on one's own CURRENT needs and desires, so that the couple can then make conscious assessments and decisions about whether or not a "new" relationship can be developed to encompass the shifts and transformations.

[glynnroy]

The only reason you are weak is becase you have feelings for her and jumping when she says jump is confusing you ,do what i am about to do mate and we will be better for it ,this is what i am going to do and have already started,do not texe her ,do not contact her unless it am emergency ,do not go round to see her even if re pleads with you ,just say dont think its a good idea,stay away dont let her see you for long periods of time ,let her chase you ,give it 1 moth and re asses it ,you will feel better for not seeing her trust me ,and this will give yo time to think its the only way

[TrustInYourself]

Dude i hear you man i hear you ,it sounds like she is playing you bit ,why does she not want to commit to you is she sacred of something ,it sounds like she has feelings for you but you are making it too easy for her mate,she wants you when she wants you and when yo want her she is not playing ball if this i so let me know i could help

 

Yeah she is scared. Scared. As far as feelings, they're there. I know it. She just isn't there for me when and how I need her. She moved out and now I'm picking up the pieces. Not for her, for myself. I'm trying to grow. I fall down every now and then and start feeling like complete trash. I feel like it's up to me to be the "man" and "MAN" up. It's wearing me out. I feel drained. I feel sad when I'm with her. So I'm taking a break for a bit, for myself. I go to her for a few days a week, then I need to recharge my batteries. It's pretty confusing. I'm not sure how much longer I want to do this. I keep telling myself to stop, yet I keep going back.

[glynnroy]

mate you have got to stop doing it to yourself ,you need time away from her to sort your feelings out and she needs to miss you ,if you do this then you will know wat it is your looking for ,going round when you are called on am when you are down is a big big mistake ,i know this because i did it for 3 months and went backwards and not forward ,stay awAY mate please for you own sanity ,your making the situation worse not better how can you move forward if you keep playing with your emotions ,if she really wants you back she will let you know ,let her go what have yo got to loose ,trust me on this one mate

[Lizzie60]

Yes it is strange ,i think its because she cares for me

Alot which i have already said,she told me she could not image me being in her life after 18 years and she still says i am her best friend ,she has never lied to me and i just know she never would ,thats the way she is,she also said do not listen to what people say if they tell you i am seeing someone ,she said i would be the first to know if she wanted another relationship,all i can say is this,she just rang me about 1 hour age and the first words she said was ,where are you,i think she needs time to post her head out ,she is not looking for love any where else ,i honestly believe that ,but i have to face reality that one day if its not me it will be some one else,she is happy on her own doing her own thing for the time ,but some where down the line ,she is going to want a kiss and a cuddle from some one,

 

WOW...dude you need a serious reality check.. I think she cares for you but not in the way you 'HOPE' she cares for you.. of course you are her best friend.. after 18 years.. come on.. that doesn't mean anything.. she loves you.. but she is not IN LOVE with you anymore...

 

Saying you'd be the first one to know is a load of cr*p.. come on .. how could you be sooo naive.. geezzz.. you seriously need to move on and stop obsessing about her.

[glynnroy]

Of course i need a reality check ,after 18 years with one person my feelings for her are not the same as she feels for me ,its hard to get your head round but it has to be little steps at a time,i know i have to move on and im about to do that by little communication to her as possible ,but she rings me and texts me every day ,so its hard to loose it just like that ,i know eventually i will be ok ,and time is a great healer ,but the less i hear and speak to her the easier it is,i am trying not to see her as it hurts at the minute but it will get easier as time goes by ,coming to terms with it is hard but i know i have to move on does this make sense

[glynnroy]

Hi again talking does seem to help so i am going to talk to you ,she has just rung me again to tell me that her mam who loves me dearly has plated me a dinner up ,she rang me yesterday to tell me how my sister was doing as her hubby has just left her for another woman ,I know she s not in love with me but you can see that she cares for me that is why its hard to move on ,i am refraining from seeing her and texting her to make it easier for me but i cant helping feeling the door is still ajar,any advice

[glynnroy]

any more takers on this one

[TrustInYourself]

Just follow your heart man.

[glynnroy]

Thats ok ,but i dont want to seem as though i am waiting for her as insurance while she gets back to her normal ways ,am i holding on to something that is not there ,will she ever truely come back to me ,answers questions i suppose only time will tell ,i want to get on with my life but i know she still loves me and its only a matter of time before the reality check hits her ,this going out and convincing every one that she is ok on her own wont last for ever ,money wont allow it ,