I feel like im turning to a mindless drone

[alwaybroken]

I'm trying to figure out this whole thing called life. Growing up there were always milestones every year, completing a grade, going to camp, entering middleschool -> highschool -> college. things were always interesting and pre-determined for the most part. So I just went along for the ride.

 

Now I've been out of college for 2 years working full time. Life got real boring real fast. Growing up I always thought I would amount to something great (does everyone think like this?) Not sure what to do now. I'm just living paycheck to paycheck trying to pay rent every month. Is this life?

 

I've got a good job in a big city and I could just see myself spending my whole life climbing that corporate latter trying to get somewhere. I feel like I can do this, but at the end of it all it doesn't seem like a very fun life. I feel like i've been sucked into a trap, sent to these factories (schools) all my life to shape me into a regular law abiding tax paying citizen that won't really amount to much.

 

So how do you break out of this cycle? What's there to do besides the regular 9-5 job. I have no money and have no option not to work, so it seems like there really isn't anything else i can do. I go along through a cookie cutter life: go to college, get a job, save some money, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, have a kid. get old and die. **** that.

[JohnnyBlaze]

Sucks, doesn't it? Welcome to life.

 

You can always roll the dice and try to start your own company. If it works, it'll pay off ten times over, but if it doesn't, it'll suck a few years and a lot of dollars from you...correction: EVERY dollar from you. It is a gamble, make no mistake about it. But it's a rush.

 

You can always junk the rat race and take up farming. It's certainly not glamourous and it doesn't pay as well as the rat race does, but it opens you to a whole different lifestyle. Just something to consider.

 

Of course, there are illegal ways to change your fortune, but I'm sure you can do that math yourself. If you can't, well, then you probably shouldn't be running in that circle anyway.

 

Alternately (and more commonly), look outside work for your individuality. Race cars, ride motorbikes, skydive, travel, get tattoos, pierce your nipples, pierce your toes, whatever! Just find something in life to give you a rush. Nothing reminds you of the joy of life quite like the distinct and immediate possibility of losing it.

 

Many of us are in the same boat you are: we'd love to quit or change jobs for something more enjoyable, but life dictates otherwise. We do what we have to do so that we can do what we want to do. I even contacted the good folks at Bikini Village once - sadly, the job of "bikini inspector" is not as glamourous as Penthouse Magazine lead me to believe it was.

[FleshNBones]

So how do you break out of this cycle? What's there to do besides the regular 9-5 job. I have no money and have no option not to work, so it seems like there really isn't anything else i can do. I go along through a cookie cutter life: go to college, get a job, save some money, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, have a kid. get old and die. **** that.

You can join the local tennis league, and compete against some others but not necessarily professionally. You can take up cycling, and once you get strong enough, you can enter some races. When you get older, it is much harder to build up your strength.

 

No money? A good question would be what are the luxuries, and what are the necessities? How often do you eat out? Do you really need cable tv?

You can use the extra money to buy some decent gear, and fatten your savings.

[carhill]

Tell me, OP, is there anything you love? During all that great time educational facilities were teaching you how to think (that's what they do), did you stumble across something that just moved you? Seemed natural and without effort? Find that and you've found purpose. It'll become the second job, the midnight oil, the lost vacation. It'll be what you do for free when you're financially independent.

 

I'm more than twice your age and I'm still figuring out life. That's the purpose of life.

 

Trust me

[Suiyobi]

I'm on the same boat as the topic-starter here. I have friends who excel in gaming, cosplaying, drawing, music, you name it. I, on the other hand, am more of like a Jack-of-all-trades: I'm okay in a lot of things but not really awesome in any particular one. That said, I really don't know what I should do. Maybe I haven't found my life's calling yet or my "purpose in life". I hope realization will dawn on me (sooner than later) because right now it does feel frustrating and somewhat depressing at the same time. "Why the hell do I exist?" is basically my question lol...

[carhill]

"Why the hell do I exist?" is basically my question lol...

 

No, that's the answer

[Suiyobi]

Ahh... my brain hurts.

 

I guess I'll just keep trying and moving on... and hopefully, someday, something will spark in me.

[Lovelybird]

I love these topics

 

Long before I felt exactly you feel. I chased after success, because that is what everyone do, but soon I found out it is vanity. I planed to open a trade company, after a while I found I really don't have passion for it, then I closed it. Now I am working at home for a company, I don't love the job, but love the freedom it offers and the pay is ok. after done the job I can do whatever I want, and chasing after God, dreaming my God-promised-loving-husband

 

I found that money and success cannot be the motivation anymore, because after chasing after them a while, I always felt empty. But now God is in my life. I have passions for what I do because they fall into God's will, and God gives me passion to do them. and I enter into a different world, a world don't believe in limitation, but believe in possibilities and miracles and wonders, a world full of love. I am watching how God changes me each day, and changes things each day. Life is exciting, life shouldn't be boring. life is boring because people don't have real hope and passion for it, money and success are very limited visions. Will you have passion for very limited things? NO. Our souls are infinite, should search and chase after infinite

[lino]

You can always roll the dice and try to start your own company. If it works, it'll pay off ten times over, but if it doesn't, it'll suck a few years and a lot of dollars from you...correction: EVERY dollar from you. It is a gamble, make no mistake about it. But it's a rush.

 

Alternately (and more commonly), look outside work for your individuality. Race cars, ride motorbikes, skydive, travel, get tattoos, pierce your nipples, pierce your toes, whatever! Just find something in life to give you a rush. Nothing reminds you of the joy of life quite like the distinct and immediate possibility of losing it.

 

Tell me, OP, is there anything you love? During all that great time educational facilities were teaching you how to think (that's what they do), did you stumble across something that just moved you? Seemed natural and without effort? Find that and you've found purpose. It'll become the second job, the midnight oil, the lost vacation. It'll be what you do for free when you're financially independent.

 

I'm more than twice your age and I'm still figuring out life. That's the purpose of life.

 

Trust me

 

These are good pieces of advice IMO. I'd also add that if you live near the ocean, surfing is one of the best and cheapest ways to pass time. There's nothing else like it

It also depends how old you are, this can give us a better picture about things.

 

I feel a bit similar to you OP but in a different way. My practical side of life is well taken care of. I have a job I'm into and I have endless interests that take up my time and heaps of friends who I enjoy doing them with. However the emotional and romance side of life for me..well..doesn't exist and never really did! I feel like everything else is going well but in that part of life, similarly to you, I feel like I have no purpose. To me it sometimes feels like everything I do has no real purpose at the end of the day because I don't have anyone to share it with and I never really have. Yes it's great doing things with family & friends but at the end of the day when everyone else goes home to their partner I'm always going home alone, which gets quite sad. I've had several little relationships but nothing serious and I know none of my exes genuinely gave a sh*t about me.

 

In your post you said:

I go along through a cookie cutter life: go to college, get a job, save some money, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, have a kid. get old and die. **** that.

 

I'd love to one day do the things which I made bold and while I'm not old, each day that passes makes me feel like I'll never get to do any of those things because in my 27 years on earth I haven't even come close to having a woman who is in love with me, so getting married and having kids seems next to impossible for me.

I've never had much trouble finding things to occupy my time which I enjoy, I've just done them and it worked out well. Finding someone who cares about me like I do them has been so much harder, impossible really because thats something that requires 2 people to want it to happen, not just one.

 

Sorry to take you off-topic, just a bit of a rant from me hehe

 

My advice is to figure out what you'd really like to do for fun outside of work and find some friends to do it with or do it with your existing friends.

 

Good luck

[alwaybroken]

thanks for all the input guys, it's nice reading other ppl's experiences/options.

 

A little more about me, I'm 24, and I've been with my girlfriend for 4.5 years (whom I've been living with for a year in a small apartment). I do make a good living, and I really love my job (design) and while I'm not as broke, I don't have the option NOT to work. I feel like if I didn't have to work I could take up surfing like someone suggested, or I could do anything I really wanted, a free spirit.

 

At this point in life I feel like I've been anchored down in one spot. I'm committed to this relationship and I feel like I have to get married now (as she's been relentlessly requesting), which feels like a major nail in my coffin. I haven't traveled much, I've never really has a lot of friends or stories of adventures. I've just lived an average life. BLAH. This is the first time I'm really coming to realize this. I've been living so blindly, and now it's time to get married and have a kid. where did the time go?

 

All the sudden I'm 24.

 

I daydream many times a day about when I was younger, about when I was growing up and through high school. I'm really missing those care-free days. Little things set me off, many times a scent or smell will spark a memory (great memories, memories I desperately want to re-live), which sinks me into deep though about what's lead me to the present day.

 

The girl I'm with drives me up the wall sometimes I can't stand her, and other times I can't imaging myself being without her. What's up with that. I can totally see myself just one day buying a ring to get married because that's what I'm supposed to do now. If I feel like I'm already and old married couple, how is getting married going to fix this? Would single life be better or worse than a good (not great) relationship. Will any relationship ever stay strong through time? Why do so many people get divorced, and how do I know this isn't my future ex-wife that i'm marrying? Should I even take the chance? What's to loose - many good years of my life, what's to gain, possibly many good years of my life. I keep thinking if I marry this girl, I'm going to get divorced someday. I haven't been with many girls and never really got to experience dating many girls. Am I missing out? will my girlfriend be the best girl I'll find, or am I settling?

 

 

well, I think I'm really breaking off on a tangent here. I'd love to keep reading what others have to say, anything at all relating to era's in your life, and what the future holds. How to make decisions, and how to move on out of a rut.

 

another confession, I feel like I lie to myself a lot. I've molded in my mind that I am happy, but I'm not really sure I am happy. I tell myself that I'm in a longterm serious relationship and I have a good job so I must be happy. I've worked hard in school and it's paid off to me working a good job with a stable relationship. It seems I want anything other than a stable life, but again, I need to work to pay rent. I need to take my girl out and pay attention to her. I need to sleep. After all this is done, there is no more time. The day is done. Time to do it one more day. It's always time to deal with just one more day. But every day is the same.

[Generic Username]

Hey I totally feel you on this post.

 

I think you just gotta find a subculture.. where do you live? I do design work too, but I know that's not enough to be deemed fulfilling. It just becomes "a job" after a while. Not like surfing, or being a DJ, or being in a band. It doesn't really fulfil the after-work routine. But then, to do those fun things, you kinda got to be a carefree soul with 10 hours a day to embrace it. Which is why being in college or working part time is so conductive to those thigns.. you got all the time in the world.

 

Most older friends I got whose lives I envy, it's because they found a niche early on and now although they may work a typical job, they have this other subculture to suppliment their life. Some of them are those guys who got really into tats and graffiti, now they're old and married types, but they're still really into those things, and make friends who also are, and it's all fun and dandy, and I envy them.

 

But if you haven't, it's hard to get fully into something. I don't know if you're like me, but I don't like being a poser or a newbie. If I take up surfing, I want to go all the way. I want to spend summers in hawaii and live on the north shore and wear board shorts all day and strum a guitar in some shack. I don't want to be a weekend warrior surfer who goes to the office mon-fri and hits the beach on saturday looking like a pale wannabe.

 

so, it's a little finding what you're good or natural at.. and go with it. I think you're question is 'how the hell do i find it?'.. well.. I'm on the same boat as you.

[chacha7]

This is the dilemma of generation Y. You grew up with society/parents telling you you can be anything you want to be, so of course you think you are going to grow up to be something great and you will be happy. However, there are too many choices in our society, and you will inevitably feel overwhelmed, and even if you like what you are doing or who you are with, you will feel discontent because you will always feel like you could be doing something, or someone for that matter, that is better and will make you more happy. The truth is that is probably not the case.

 

My ex bf had this same exact issue, feeling like the only time he was happy was when he was in college, and he was an entrepenuer, bc he hated the idea of working a nine to five. That didn't help him though. He took many vacations. That didn't help him either. We would do different sorts of activities all the time. that didn't help either! He started going to therapy...that only made things worse in my opinion (one of the main reasons we broke up).

 

My suggestion is to try to figure out what you love to do and make a job of it. Do you really love design? Maybe you do, but not the setting you're in. Figure that out, because in my experience, finding your passion in work is the answer. It will be your purpose. Mine is teaching. Maybe think about teaching, who knows. What I do know is that you can't fear living a "normal" life. What is so bad about being married, having kids anyway. Just bc that is normal doesn't mean your life has to be. You create that, not the situation.

[lino]

I feel like if I didn't have to work I could take up surfing like someone suggested, or I could do anything I really wanted, a free spirit.

 

Hey mate, I was the one who suggested surfing. I don't know of your situation, maybe you can elaborate on it, but if you live not far from the ocean then you don't need to give up work to go surfing. I work 6 days a week and I go after work sometimes and every weekend without fail. Ofcourse if you live quite far from the ocean and/or if you work very long hours then work will definitely get in the way of it for you.

 

Other than that, I can understand exactly how you feel, only like I said in my previous post, I feel that way for different reasons. Believe me, I'd want nothing more than to have a girl that I would one day want to marry and have kids with who also feels that way about me!

 

Hopefully one day things will go right for us

[pfunkallstar]

I've been trolling for a bit but this post has made me register and post for the first time. So here we go...

 

Have you seen the film Fight Club? If you haven't I highly recommend you see it. It's deeper than most people think.

 

<SPOILERS AHEAD>

 

The beginning starts out with the nameless protagonist, played by Edward Norton, struggling to find his identity in a world of massive consumerism. He buys expensive clothes, furniture from IKEA for his apartment, fancy dishes from exotic countries. He does these things because he feels that he has to.

 

It is not until he meets Tyler Durden that his life turns around immediately. His apartment blows up and all his prized physical possessions he held dear are gone.

 

Him and Tyler form a fight club with other disenfranchised middle-class men. They fight not for winnings or glory, but to remind themselves that they can choose to control their lives and that they do not have to surrender to a society that tells them what to do to be happy.

 

The article in Wikipedia describes the themes much better than I can: "The characters, having undergone societal emasculation, are reduced to "a generation of spectators", while a culture of advertising defines society's "external signifiers of happiness" and causes an unnecessary chase for material objects that replaces the more essential pursuit of spiritual happiness"

 

I went through this and it looks like you're going through the same thing. We let social pressure dictate how we should live our lives. Tyler comments on this by saying "We're consumers. We are by-products of a lifestyle obsession. Murder, crime, poverty, these things don't concern me. What concerns me are celebrity magazines, television with 500 channels, some guy's name on my underwear. Rogaine, Viagra, Olestra..... Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy **** we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. " It's hammered into us day by day by our parents, our families, our friends, our media, our television shows. So we walk that path like the endless drones before us and before them. But does walking a pre-defined path that is set by others give you true happiness or enlightenment?

 

I went to school for computer science because I thought that was what I should do to get a good job and be financially secure. My conservative parents then wanted me to get my masters in computer science because I would have a better advantage in the working world. Makes sense.

 

For one thing, I was never good at computer science, nor math, science, or computer programming. I realized this as I took the classes and barely passed. I had no passion for it but I still walked the path because this is what I was supposed to do.

 

After graduation I worked in the corporate world, not computer science because I could not get a job in that field with my poor grades and skills. I forget who said it but the quote goes "I can see the future.. because I know that every day is going to be the same." And that was my life. Wake up, go to work with my shirt and tie (DAMN THE TIES!), my messenger bag (my one semblance of individuality), and my dress shoes. On the weekends, I would shop, shop, shop, go out get hammered, and the cycle would start all over on Monday.

 

You're right, after college life starts to go FAST!! because we no longer have any goals to work towards. Instead our goals are how get that promotion, how to close that deal..etc. I'm not knocking any of that and people who dedicate themselves fully to their business have my utmost admiration and respect.

 

But corporate life wasn't for me.

 

My true passion has always been films, thus after two years in the corporate world, I applied and was accepted to a film school in southern california. My conservative parents were not supportive of my decision because the film industry does not guarantee a straight and narrow path to success, many fail and give up. But my close friends knew that it was what I needed.

 

A friend of mine once described Hooters as the essence of what Fight Club was getting at. "Here you have a bunch of middle-age men eating greasy food that's bad for them, watching sports that they will never play, and staring at women they'll never sleep with. It's spectator society at its best."

 

I didn't want to be part of that specator society. I needed to take action. Like Edward Norton, I had to leap off the path and realize that I too can break the cycle.

 

Tyler Durden states "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything" My decision was drastic. I left my steady job, a great house, all my friends, and a budding relationship with a great girl to go to film school.

 

Also, moving alone as a young adult to southern california suburbs was a big change from big city east coast living. I had massive culture shock here and I was WAAAY past my comfort zone. And that was awesome. I learned so much from taking a risk and going through with it. It somehow made me feel alive again, gave me a purpose again.

 

This is the key.. purpose.

 

I got my masters degree in film production a year ago. I'm still a budding filmmaker and screenwriter but it has given me a FOCUS and a purpose that I was missing while working in the corporate world. It's a great feeling and I have PASSION for it. Ask yourself if you have a purpose in life that you care about to your very core, whatever that may be. If you don't have one.. go OUT and find one. Key words: GO OUT!

 

You won't find it at home on the internet. You have to take PHYSICAL ACTION!

 

Currently, I work on film shoots here and there. I play music in a band from time to time. I write all the time. It's different every day and that's why I like it. To keep myself physically healthy I took up snowboarding and kickboxing. These are my little goals that give me breathers from the film world. This winter my snowboarding goal is to start hitting jumps and kickboxing goal is to increase my endurance.

 

So that has been my twenties in a nutshell. I'm now 28 and incredibly happy with where my life is going where a few years ago I was stuck in a massive rut. Even my parents are proud of me and are supportive of my choice. My mother even said to me "I know you're gonna make it!" Because they see my passion and my focus emanating from my core.

 

You're 24. There's still lots of stuff to do, people to meet, things to experience. Go out there and break that cycle and find your own reason to be happy. Go out there and find your freedom.

[pfunkallstar]

Oh and one more thing.. **** being perfect. Life never is. If you fail from taking a risk, learn from it and keep going.

[electric_sheep]

Now I've been out of college for 2 years working full time. Life got real boring real fast.

 

I felt the same way about life, and it's partly the reason I turned to drugs, alcohol, and sex. The routine simply seemed far more interesting if I drowned myself in alcohol and kept myself high on drugs. What seems like a mindless routine to a healthy person can actually be quite a challenge if everyday you suffer from hangovers and sleep deprivation. I always liked a challenge. Needless to say, this didn't work out like I planned.

 

So, somewhere along the line I started reading books by this fellow Albert Ellis, which helped me out immensely. Up until college everything is planned out, as you say. The road is predictable. The path doesn't require any creativity or ingenuity on your part. Somewhere along the line YOU have to take responsibility for your own life. You have to create the excitement. You have to generate interest. According to Ellis, this should be done in a way that maximizes short-term and long-term self-interest. This is where I was going wrong with all the sexing and boozing. These things are great short-term, but they tend to disrupt and cause problems in the long-term. Considering most of us are going to be around for at least a little while, we need to pay attention to the long-term. The old saying "eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die" is flat out wrong. Most of us wake up the next day and are not dead. If we were, it would be a good philosophy.

 

These feelings of boredom probably mean one of two things... either your work really is that boring (and it may be), or you are chronically conditioned to be dissatisfied because of several societal myths that we all grow up with. If it's the former, you should take the opportunity to find more interesting work (if possible), or else find interesting hobbies to compensate. If it's the latter, then it's possible you will find virtually any work unsatisfying, and maybe you would benefit from changing your philosophy. More on that later.

 

If you genuinely try to find more interesting work and can't, it's not the end of the world. Happiness is usually achieved from relationships, engaging and creative interests (hobbies, passions, and work), balance, a healthy emotional life, and from novelty and appropriate risk-taking. You can keep searching for more engaging work, perhaps consider changing fields, going back to school if necessary, and in the mean time find happiness through these other areas.

 

Growing up I always thought I would amount to something great (does everyone think like this?) Not sure what to do now.

 

Most of us grow up with this unfortunate societal myth. Maybe it's just human nature, to believe we are somehow more extraordinary and special than everyone else. This is partly related to what Ellis calls the "rating game". We live in a society and a culture that is constantly rating everyone. A doctor is considered "better" than a janitor. You get the idea. Constantly rating yourself and others is a sure path to misery. When you tie in your sense of self-worth with some activity or trait, such as beauty or work performance, then when you screw up at work, or get in a bad car accident, you suddenly think you are worthless. Ellis suggests moving beyond "rating" all together and instead simply accept yourself. People are too complicated to really give any sort of overall rating to anyways. Likewise, a persons life is too complicated to subjectively "rate" overall. "Rating" implies some sort of measuring system anyway, and these are largely arbitrary, and the one you inherited from society is flawed and biased. It places way too much emphasis on "winning", materialism, being sexy, extreme experiences, etc... All of these things are great, but people would be much happier (and less disturbed) if they learned to appreciate the subtleties of everyday, ordinary life. IMHO.

 

A lot of this may seem very subtle and like just so many words, but a principle tenant of Ellis and his theory (REBT, or CBT), is that we largely create our feelings and emotions via our attitudes and beliefs. In other words, it's not the events in our life that cause us to feel a certain way, but rather our attitudes about those events (our philosophy).

 

It's totally natural to have preferences, and to want to do good at something. It's just dangerous when you inflate your preferences to a "must", or make your self-worth contingent on your performance.

 

e.g.

"I MUST live an extraordinary live, be the expert in my field, the best at what I do. The fastest, the handsomest, the strongest, the funniest, smartest, ect... I must have new and amazing experiences all the time. If not, then I am worthless and my life is meaningless and drab. That sucks."

 

This is self-defeating thinking. It leads to depression, which is never condusive to change.

 

"I'd prefer to be good at what I do, and have an intersting job and a close romantic relationship, but if I don't... it will be frustrating, and I'll try my best to change the situation, but in the meantime I know I can be reasonably happy anyway."

 

This kind of thinking leads to "appropriate" feelings of dissatisfaction. This is appropriate because it motivates you, without causing ennui and depression, which tend to immobilize you.

 

I've got a good job in a big city and I could just see myself spending my whole life climbing that corporate latter trying to get somewhere. I feel like I can do this, but at the end of it all it doesn't seem like a very fun life. I feel like i've been sucked into a trap, sent to these factories (schools) all my life to shape me into a regular law abiding tax paying citizen that won't really amount to much.

 

So how do you break out of this cycle? What's there to do besides the regular 9-5 job. I have no money and have no option not to work, so it seems like there really isn't anything else i can do.

 

Don't interpret everything I've said so far to be an endorsement for just following a "cookie cutter" life. There certainly are people whoms lives are very different from the norm. The path you outline above is the one that is provided to us via socialization. It is the simplest path, and it reveals societies value system... namely one that promotes economic efficiency, and cultural assimilation, if you will.

 

There are other life options available, but of course there are also realities in life... such as the need for food, shelter, etc. Yet, we have Monks, writers, homeless people, surfers, people who walk around the world (seriously), starving artists and musicians, etc... You can't escape the reality of needing to participate in the economy to a certain degree, but you do get to choose just how important money and security are to you.

 

In short, you get to create your own values. Even though our society encourages a particular value system, we are fortunate in that it allows a certain degree of latitude. I think everyone could benefit from really and truly examining their values, and asking themself if these are really THEIR values, and not just the ones society foisted on them. Then try and move in a direction that re-inforces those values. When you are frustrated in that pursuit, see what you can do to remedy the situation, but try and prevent yourself from becoming overly depressed. If there isn't anything you can do, that's when you need to simply accept it (Serenity prayer). Sometimes life just isn't fair, but that doesn't mean we can't find happiness and get something out of it anyway.

[electric_sheep]

P.S.

 

I'm usually guilty of posting without having read all the other posts. Well, I just did, and there is a lot of good advice here. Particularly pfunkallstar.

 

Anyway, if your own personal values end up reflecting societies, there is no shame in that. Mine used to not, but as I've grown older they are more in alignment. When I was younger I was obsessed with rock 'n' roll, Charles Bukowski, Iggy Pop, Fight Club... the dark fringe and underbelly, if you will. This led me down a path of self-destruction and addiction which ended up not being satisfying. Now security and comfort are far more appealing. The point is, they are your values, and they may change over time. Whatever they are is fine, so long as they are yours.

 

At the risk of appearing dysfunctional, here is a pretty good website that talks a lot about values. It is actually an addiction recovery website, but what the hell:

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/m1w1d2.htm

and

http://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/m1w1d3.htm

[daphne]

I like this topic because it relates to my current frame of mind. I tend to relate more heavily with electric, but am at a point where I'd like to dabble in adventure and risk taking. Granted, the last time I did that, I bought a risky stock and lost a lot of money.

 

The grasshopper and the ant theme replays a lot for me. I am still slightly hung up on an ex, who was very different from me. He was a slacker, a pothead, and a nomad. I didn't know this initially, obviously, or I would never have dated him. he lied a lot also. lol

 

I have recently begun to ask myself, why do I get so bent out of shape at all of teh grasshoppers? Wasn't I once one? Back in the day, I had dreams of modeling, acting and singing opera. I did a little modeling, a little acting and I sang in a choir. However, I had serious stage fright back then. Scared as a church mouse. So I gave up the first two and never did solos. I eventually gave up the third. I saved up for 3-4 years and moved to France. I lived in Europe when I was a kid and my dream was to go back and learn a foreign language. I did it. I was scared, but I was far more adventurous and I loved it. Then, I started in on the daily grind. Was a successful translator til the market went dry. Then I went into the field I said I'd never go into, the one that my father wanted me to go into. It was the best decision I ever made. I was on the fence about moving to Germany before I accepted the offer. I'm so glad I didn't. However, now that I've made money, I'm bored and I don't know what to do when I grow up.

 

I want to be reckless, irresponsible, feckless and free. Like my ex. I think this is why I get so irritated at irresponsible, freedom loving people. I know that one day they'll wake up and regret having spent too long on self indulgence. But I want some of that. I've paid my dues. I think I'm jealous that they get to have fun while they're young. I did, but kids these days take a lot longer in this freedom phase. They'll be working forever. Still, I'm jealous.

 

Yet, comfort and security are fine things indeed. Even though I've had troubles lately, other than when I lived in France I have never felt happier in many ways. I can carve out my future however I see fit. I can move back there if I want.

 

I can. And I like that I can.

 

But had I not been disciplined and willing to delay gratification just a little bit, I would not be in this position.

[GrnEyedGemini]

The girl I'm with drives me up the wall sometimes I can't stand her, and other times I can't imaging myself being without her. What's up with that. I can totally see myself just one day buying a ring to get married because that's what I'm supposed to do now. If I feel like I'm already and old married couple, how is getting married going to fix this? Would single life be better or worse than a good (not great) relationship. Will any relationship ever stay strong through time? Why do so many people get divorced, and how do I know this isn't my future ex-wife that i'm marrying? Should I even take the chance? What's to loose - many good years of my life, what's to gain, possibly many good years of my life. I keep thinking if I marry this girl, I'm going to get divorced someday. I haven't been with many girls and never really got to experience dating many girls. Am I missing out? will my girlfriend be the best girl I'll find, or am I settling?

 

 

another confession, I feel like I lie to myself a lot. I've molded in my mind that I am happy, but I'm not really sure I am happy. I tell myself that I'm in a longterm serious relationship and I have a good job so I must be happy. I've worked hard in school and it's paid off to me working a good job with a stable relationship. It seems I want anything other than a stable life, but again, I need to work to pay rent. I need to take my girl out and pay attention to her. I need to sleep. After all this is done, there is no more time. The day is done. Time to do it one more day. It's always time to deal with just one more day. But every day is the same.

 

 

First I want to say I am 23 years old. And I am going through these same problems. It is comforting to find someone close to my age going through the same. All my friends are older or in a different stage of life than me.

 

I love my bf. I know I do. But then I question myself. How do I really know? I'm only 23. I haven't experienced anything!!! I've had really no other serious boyfriends. We got together when I was 19. I was out of my parents' house a little under a year. How do I really know that he will make me happy if I don't even know who I really am, or what I want, or what even makes me happy? I feel like I am on the verge of a self-awakening. Like, I am teetering at the very edge, waiting on something to push me over the edge into a whole new world. Sounds weird, I know. I don't know bout my brain sometimes. Lol. But really, thats the best way I can describe it. I just had the thought that maybe I'm not waiting on something to push me over the edge, maybe something is holding me back from falling over. My bf maybe? But then I don't know. I love him so much. We are going through a really rough patch, so maybe that's what is making me think like that? I've been praying to God to help me sort my thoughts out and figure out what I am suppose to do. I've been leaning towards breaking up, as devastating as that would be, so I prayed to God for a sign. Then, two nights ago, my bf kissed me and I felt the butterflies again. WTF?! I haven't felt those in a long time. It was wonderful! Yet, confused me so much. Because to me, that was a sign that what I feel for him really is love and that perhaps I need to hang on for a bit longer. I am just really confused. I love him, but at times I can't stand him. Sometimes, I dread coming home because I don't know how this evening is going to end up...fighting? Sex? Cold shoulder? Holding each other? It's really a day to day thing. But then, this is the first serious relationship, as I said earlier. I don't know how relationships are suppose to be. I haven't really had the best examples either. My parents' divorce is suppose to be final the 22nd of this month. And its my mom's 3rd divorce. So you can imagine my examples. Then, there are books and movies that show reltaionships. But those examples can't be real either. So, I just don't know. I, also, wonder if I just lie to myself about enjoying my life. At times I believe I am. Others I wonder why the hell am I still here? Mostly, I just live day to day....make my bf get up for work, get myself up, go to work, go to school (two days a week, otherwise its just work), come home, clean house, cook dinner, get high, watch tv, go to bed...7 hours later, get up and do the same thing again. Is this it? Is this what life is? But then I feel selfish to think like that. I have a great boyfriend who loves me, I have a nice home that is mine, I have a good car, I have family (even though its as dysfunctional as hell), I have a few close friends, I have a steady dependable job, I am going to school for an even better job that I think will be a good fit for me, I have a lot of things to be thankful for....what else could I ask for? WHY am I feeling like this? And it really only started when I realized the day after my birthday, holy crap...I'm 23. I know...I know...its only 23...but it still hit me weird. Its like, ok...this is real life now. No more, "when I grow up" stuff. This is the "when I grow up" I always talked about. Lol. I feel lost. But feel horrible that I have a great life and feel this way.

 

So sorry to hyjack your thread...I just wanted to respond that I know how you feel and all that just started pouring out of me. I think I just needed to get it out.

[Kristine]

Now you listed the next milestones. That's life a completion of steps, if you go off course like I did, it sucks. There's always a few bumps in the road to liven things up. I've been told to write a memoior because my bumps are so facinating. Once I have a happy ending I will. You've been given some great ideas, and some understanding.

 

Okay here's a story for you. I opted to pursue my dream of being a singer, I was seen by producers and managers only to find out I just don't have what it takes (basically I weigh too much). Killing your dream, kills you as a person. But I still recommend pursuing your dream. Figure out what it is and go after it. If you succeed more power to you. Pursuing your dream is invigorating, life giving, exciting. It was THE best and worst time of my life. It's what life is all about. Since my dream didn't pan out and I totally expected it to, I'm back in college doing what I should have done when my parents were paying for it.

 

Now I play the lottery, gamble, go to school, and wait to die like my mom whose 59. They took my kids I got nothing else to do. I lost the custody fight. Suicide looks attractive but then I'm too whimpy, truth is is if this college thing doesn't pan out for me I'm offing myself. It gives me solace now to have an out. Life has been too hard for me because of my poor choices.