A Disasterous Night: Days 4 & 5

[wildsoul]

I just woke up, in a state of calm that is really a protective layer of shock. Inside, I'm violent torrents of magma. If I tap into what's underneath, I'm going to fall apart into a nervous breakdown.

 

What happened last night scared the hell out of me.

 

In another thread, I mentioned that my MM had sent me some inappropriate (horny) emails yesterday. I ended up calling him and then going into NC mode. I didn't realize at the time, but in our last IM exchange, we had a misunderstanding. He said something about me not sleeping on his side of the bed and to save room for him. I said something about his ghost. I thought we were speaking in metaphor. He meant he was coming over later.

 

At 11pm, I was in bed watching a movie when he showed up. I was shocked. He arrived with his dog, dog bed, and his overnight bag. I let him in. Very guarded. I didn't know what was going on. He proceeds to situate the dog (who also piddled on my carpet to mark her territory!) and I'm just stunned, really.

 

I forget all that was said, but I remember asking him why he came over (as he was setting up the dog stuff) and he said angrily, "Because you've been such a bitch today and so mean to me on the phone." I felt sick and afraid. I processed the idea of screaming "get the fu*k out," but worried he might get violent. Then he said something about me being dumb. In my head, I've got a mental chalkboard up counting "1 verbal abuse, 2 verbal abuse..."

 

It was freaky! This guy who only lavishes praise and adoration on me when we are together was calling me names! I knew I had to get him out of there, but didn't want to incite violence. I didn't know this person.

 

I tried talking to him calmly in the living room, but it was like talking to someone in fun house mirrors. He kept accusing me of being "a cold heartless bitch," which couldn't be farther from the truth. He was so upset at me for breaking up with him. Reminding him that the reason was because I had never agreed to be in an affair, that I had only been with him because he was separating from his marriage. When his situation changed and slid backwards, I had no choice. Although he sort of acknowledged those facts, he was just so upset that it went in crazy circles.

 

There were a couple moments of calm when I thought I might take pity and let him stay over (it's a 2 hr drive for him to go back.) But then he was getting mad at me again. Mad because I had my arms crossed in front of my body. Mad because when I was talking sweetly, I was "sugar coating" things. Mad because I was really an unloving closed hearted woman.

 

I had enough and told him to go. Then he goes verbally ballistic telling me how he will never see me again, that it's a permanent NC, and so on--thereby breaking up with me. Completely unwilling to let this thing end with any grace, class, or love. Total annihilation. He left, slamming my door and drove off into the night.

 

In the last week, I've been digging through this site and also some other love addiction resources. I'd noticed how he and got along amazingly great, except for our break up talks. When he was secure in my love, this guy was so attentive to my needs and feelings (as much as a MM can be) throughout our A, but then when I'd do anything that threatened the relationship, he became impossible. Conversations went in circles. Everything was my fault. I noticed a LOT of projection, where he'd acuse me of doing negative things that I wasn't doing, but that he was doing.

 

On my side, what was of serious concern was how I was feeling familiar codependant responses in myself. Stuff I had worked on very hard for a number of years. I haven't been activated or "triggered" as I call it in a very long time. For just one example, I've noticed that I really wanted it to end well, hoping that it was just a "break" not wanting to let go entirely. I don't think that's sick, but what I also noticed was that when he'd get very difficult in these break up talks, I would become absolutely compulsive about trying to soothe him and fix it so all would feel "okay." The more I'd try to be loving, the more he'd be mean. I didn't like feeling both compulsive and manipulated by the codependant pattern emerging.

 

One thing I read last week really stands out. It's from another site, but I'll paste it into a quote box:

 

Narcissistic Love Addicts: NLAs use dominance, seduction and withholding to control their partners. Unlike codependents, who accept a lot of discomfort, narcissists won’t put up with anything that interferes with their happiness. They are self-absorbed and their low self-esteem is masked by their grandiosity. Furthermore, rather than seeming to obsess about the relationship, NLAs appear aloof and unconcerned. They do not appear to be addicted at all. Rarely do you even know that NLAs are hooked until you try to leave them. Then they will no longer be aloof and uncaring. They will panic and use anything at their disposal to hold on to the relationship—including violence. Many professionals have rejected the idea that narcissists can be love addicts. This may be because they rarely come in for treatment. However, if you have ever seen how some narcissists react to perceived or real abandonment, you will see that they are indeed “hooked.”

Snipped from this site.

 

Unable to sleep yet, I searched for more info on narcisists and love addiction and came across a verbal abuse website that is blowing my mind. There is a lot of pages on this site, and I fell asleep after reading about 5 last night. But this page on "Surviving the Narcisssist" really descibes what I was noticing in the crazy patterns that appeared when I tried breaking up with this guy.

 

I'm also looking at how narcissistic traits seem to have been fueling his "love" for me too. This guy loved loved loved to talk about our relationship ALL the time. How great we are. What a profound love. How we are better than any other couple. Sometimes, I found it to be a bit much, yanno? Yet it also felt good to me. It felt so GOOD to be loved so much. But now, I'm questioning everything. In light of this narcissitic persective, it seems that he loved ME because I fit some kind of idealized woman and relationship model that reflects positively on his ego. And so then it is somewhat logical that in breaking up with him, I threaten him at his core. His ego is fighting like hell. Me leaving forces him to either try and get me back and dominate me (he wins) or brutally break up with me (I lose.)

 

As you can see, I think I'm on to something really big. Emotionally, I'm scared to see some of this. I don't like seeing that I've been acting like a victim. I don't want to feel bad about my need for love and affection which is what drove me into this situation. I'm a mess right now. My ego doesn't feel good either. I thought I was more together than this.

 

PS: There was a multimedia message from him on my phone this morning. At 3:47 am, he sent me a camera phone photo of his dog. WTF???

[TogetherForever]

I just woke up, in a state of calm that is really a protective layer of shock. Inside, I'm violent torrents of magma. If I tap into what's underneath, I'm going to fall apart into a nervous breakdown.

 

What happened last night scared the hell out of me.

 

In another thread, I mentioned that my MM had sent me some inappropriate (horny) emails yesterday. I ended up calling him and then going into NC mode. I didn't realize at the time, but in our last IM exchange, we had a misunderstanding. He said something about me not sleeping on his side of the bed and to save room for him. I said something about his ghost. I thought we were speaking in metaphor. He meant he was coming over later.

 

At 11pm, I was in bed watching a movie when he showed up. I was shocked. He arrived with his dog, dog bed, and his overnight bag. I let him in. Very guarded. I didn't know what was going on. He proceeds to situate the dog (who also piddled on my carpet to mark her territory!) and I'm just stunned, really.

 

I forget all that was said, but I remember asking him why he came over (as he was setting up the dog stuff) and he said angrily, "Because you've been such a bitch today and so mean to me on the phone." I felt sick and afraid. I processed the idea of screaming "get the fu*k out," but worried he might get violent. Then he said something about me being dumb. In my head, I've got a mental chalkboard up counting "1 verbal abuse, 2 verbal abuse..."

 

It was freaky! This guy who only lavishes praise and adoration on me when we are together was calling me names! I knew I had to get him out of there, but didn't want to incite violence. I didn't know this person.

 

I tried talking to him calmly in the living room, but it was like talking to someone in fun house mirrors. He kept accusing me of being "a cold heartless bitch," which couldn't be farther from the truth. He was so upset at me for breaking up with him. Reminding him that the reason was because I had never agreed to be in an affair, that I had only been with him because he was separating from his marriage. When his situation changed and slid backwards, I had no choice. Although he sort of acknowledged those facts, he was just so upset that it went in crazy circles.

 

There were a couple moments of calm when I thought I might take pity and let him stay over (it's a 2 hr drive for him to go back.) But then he was getting mad at me again. Mad because I had my arms crossed in front of my body. Mad because when I was talking sweetly, I was "sugar coating" things. Mad because I was really an unloving closed hearted woman.

 

I had enough and told him to go. Then he goes verbally ballistic telling me how he will never see me again, that it's a permanent NC, and so on--thereby breaking up with me. Completely unwilling to let this thing end with any grace, class, or love. Total annihilation. He left, slamming my door and drove off into the night.

 

In the last week, I've been digging through this site and also some other love addiction resources. I'd noticed how he and got along amazingly great, except for our break up talks. When he was secure in my love, this guy was so attentive to my needs and feelings (as much as a MM can be) throughout our A, but then when I'd do anything that threatened the relationship, he became impossible. Conversations went in circles. Everything was my fault. I noticed a LOT of projection, where he'd acuse me of doing negative things that I wasn't doing, but that he was doing.

 

On my side, what was of serious concern was how I was feeling familiar codependant responses in myself. Stuff I had worked on very hard for a number of years. I haven't been activated or "triggered" as I call it in a very long time. For just one example, I've noticed that I really wanted it to end well, hoping that it was just a "break" not wanting to let go entirely. I don't think that's sick, but what I also noticed was that when he'd get very difficult in these break up talks, I would become absolutely compulsive about trying to soothe him and fix it so all would feel "okay." The more I'd try to be loving, the more he'd be mean. I didn't like feeling both compulsive and manipulated by the codependant pattern emerging.

 

One thing I read last week really stands out. It's from another site, but I'll paste it into a quote box:

 

Snipped from this site.

 

Unable to sleep yet, I searched for more info on narcisists and love addiction and came across a verbal abuse website that is blowing my mind. There is a lot of pages on this site, and I fell asleep after reading about 5 last night. But this page on "Surviving the Narcisssist" really descibes what I was noticing in the crazy patterns that appeared when I tried breaking up with this guy.

 

I'm also looking at how narcissistic traits seem to have been fueling his "love" for me too. This guy loved loved loved to talk about our relationship ALL the time. How great we are. What a profound love. How we are better than any other couple. Sometimes, I found it to be a bit much, yanno? Yet it also felt good to me. It felt so GOOD to be loved so much. But now, I'm questioning everything. In light of this narcissitic persective, it seems that he loved ME because I fit some kind of idealized woman and relationship model that reflects positively on his ego. And so then it is somewhat logical that in breaking up with him, I threaten him at his core. His ego is fighting like hell. Me leaving forces him to either try and get me back and dominate me (he wins) or brutally break up with me (I lose.)

 

As you can see, I think I'm on to something really big. Emotionally, I'm scared to see some of this. I don't like seeing that I've been acting like a victim. I don't want to feel bad about my need for love and affection which is what drove me into this situation. I'm a mess right now. My ego doesn't feel good either. I thought I was more together than this.

 

PS: There was a multimedia message from him on my phone this morning. At 3:47 am, he sent me a camera phone photo of his dog. WTF???

 

 

 

(((((WildSoul))))))

 

Forget him!!!! Let the moron sleep with his dog from now on.

He's got major issues that you do not need to take on.

 

TF

[angie2443]

I forget all that was said, but I remember asking him why he came over (as he was setting up the dog stuff) and he said angrily, "Because you've been such a bitch today and so mean to me on the phone." I felt sick and afraid. I processed the idea of screaming "get the fu*k out," but worried he might get violent. Then he said something about me being dumb. In my head, I've got a mental chalkboard up counting "1 verbal abuse, 2 verbal abuse..."

 

Keep counting! Do anything you can to remind yourself that this man is no good for you. Verbal abuse is horrible because it comes on so slowly that the person bieng abused often doesn't catch on untill it does some considerable damage to their self esteem. I've been there. I now know that no one is worth your self worth. Do every thing you can to keep this man out of your life and be careful if you do find yourself alone with him again. Men who verbally abuse often feel entitled to be physically agressive. This man may have never hit you up till this point, but it is a future possibility.

[me003]

windsoul,

I know its hard but just let it go.. stop trying to figure out why he is how he is. I did that and it got me nowhere, because i need to figure out why I accepted what I accepted. I am the on in the picture, not him.

 

You are #1 in your life, so take care of you.

 

 

When you get a chance (not sure after how many posts or months) email me on here. I really like reading what you post on here.

 

Good luck:bunny:

[Owl]

Send him one last text, in response to his video of his dog.

 

"If you contact me in any fashion again, whatsoever...it goes straight to your wife. If you want a cold, heartless !@#TCH, you got it. Get out of my life and stay out!"

 

Again...anything less is going to leave the door open for him...as is CLEARLY been the case up to this point.

 

There was NO REASON to let him in last night if you were in NC....NONE AT ALL.

 

If you don't enforce it...you're showing him that you're weak, that your word and your boundaries mean nothing, and he can continue to treat you just as he has been.

 

This is going to keep happening until you do something drastic to make it stop.

[wildsoul]

me003: Thanks. Understood. I could care less why he is the way he is.

 

What is rocking my world is the change in personality I'm experiencing. It's just such a shock to go from being the recipient of his lavish attentions, declarations of soul mate love, and promises of our future to being denigrated and accused by him.

 

Reading the forums here, as well as the book on affairs I got has had me breaking through the denial and rationalizations that my (x)MM would end up being my partner. That's been a huge cup of disappointment to swallow. I've not been sure (and it matters not) whether he was sincere but stuck through circumstance, caught up in some unconscious game, or worst-case knowing he was manipulating and misleading. I say it matters not, because the remedy for all of these is the same: end the affair.

 

Bitter pill to swallow, though I've been trying to take my medicine.

 

But to experience his anger and crazy fun house acusations, the name calling, the yelling at me...it's shocking. I've not seen this side before.

 

I had already fallen from the pedestal he placed me on. Now, the floor has fallen out from under me too.

 

In reading more of that site about narcissism today, even more things are coming together. For example, I know he has a strange habit of arguing with people on sports-related internet forums. He's a bit of a conspiracy theorist and has bragged about how he gets banned all the time. He's proud of it. Though I think it's kooky and nothing to be proud of, I dismissed it. I couldn't care less about sports. I thought maybe it's a guy thing. But that site also talks about The Cyber Narcissist. OMG, but that is exactly his trip! So for me, this stray thread was also just stitched into place with the narcissism profiling.

 

Really, I don't care about why. But I'm seeing now that these traits are not normal emotional issues (of which I'm pretty forgiving.) It seems he has something that is abnormal. I can't believe I fell in love with him. What I thought was true love, seems like it is just symptomatic of his grandiose self-image. Now, all of the things I thought were so good, seem to be poisons too. That's what I'm learning and it's hitting hard.

 

PS me003: I added you to my contacts list for when I get PM priveleges.

[Owl]

He's treating you this way because you're destroying his fantasy world by making him face the reality that you don't want to be his OW forever.

 

What he WANTS more than anything else is BOTH of you in the same fashion he's had.

 

Now that you're threatening that, he's lashing out.

[whichwayisup]

Now that you're threatening that, he's lashing out.

 

Yes he is, and this is a man who isn't "inlove", it's more like the drug (you) has been taken away from him and he is reacting and being a crazy person. Someone who is inlove doesn't do what he's done, let alone say the stuff he said to you lastnight.

 

If he shows up at your door again or bothers you, call the Police. You feel threatened by him now, rightfully so.

[OpenBook]

Whoa!!!!! Did you ask your angels for clarity? If so, they really came through for you last night!! I'm glad he didn't hurt you (physically, anyway). There is always that danger with those Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde types. You never know what stunt they're going to pull next. My heart really goes out to his dog.

 

My best guess... he is very angry with you for taking back the reins. It is a Power & Control thing for him - he is losing it over you, and he cannot handle it. Unbelievable. I hope you realize that this is about the farthest thing away from love as you can get!!

 

You have GOT to look out for yourself now. If he ever contacts you again, tell him to LEAVE YOU ALONE or you will seek a restraining order against him. If he ever shows up at your door again, DO NOT OPEN IT. Instead, call 911.

 

I strongly believe it would be in your best interest to NOT ENGAGE in any more interaction with him whatsoever, ever again. Stay away from this man. He is dangerous!

[wildsoul]

Send him one last text, in response to his video of his dog.

 

"If you contact me in any fashion again, whatsoever...it goes straight to your wife. If you want a cold, heartless !@#TCH, you got it. Get out of my life and stay out!"

 

Again...anything less is going to leave the door open for him...as is CLEARLY been the case up to this point.

 

This is going to keep happening until you do something drastic to make it stop.

I've thought about that, Owl.

 

I've never been in contact with his wife, though he told me she does know something about me. He had said that one day he was in her office and she was holding a printed out a copy of my business website. He asked, and she said something about a friend of hers was thinking of hiring me. That sounds like an obvious lie on her part, with only the minutest possibilty that it could be true. (I am known in my field.) He said he doesn't know how she found out about me, though at that time he did admit to having met me before.

 

In Gmail, there is a function to have incoming emails automatically forwarded to another email address. And text messages can be forwarded too.

 

But this seems like a dangerous game to me Owl.

 

I'm inclined to just ignore him now. Don't know what to do if he arrives at my doorstep again though. Obviously, letting him in would be wrong (read dangerous.) I suppose I can put the sherriff's number on speed dial.

 

Feedback really desired from the group:

Owl's point about anything less leaving the door open is valid. And it's probable that last night won't be his final attempt at either trying to get back together or throw punishment at me. What do others think about how to handle it from here?

[Owl]

But this seems like a dangerous game to me Owl.

 

Howso? The odds are greatest that this lead to him being forced to go NC with you in order to save his marriage.

 

What's the risk to YOU in there?

 

WWIU gave you the best advice...make sure you tell him clearly he's not welcome AT ALL in your life anymore. If he stalks or shows up...call the cops, and get a restraining order.

[wildsoul]

What's the risk to YOU in there?

I'm worried that he might retaliate. It seems that I've rocked his self-made world by leaving him. If I contact his W, then that is going to further destablize his world. I don't know who I'm dealing with anymore. It's scary.

[Owl]

If you're AFRAID of him...that's even MORE reason to get him out of your life ASAP.

 

Sounds like the love is gone out of this already...now its fear.

 

He needs to understand without any kind of mixed message at all that you mean business about getting this ended and him out of your life...anything less leaves the door open.

 

Then don't tell him you'll go to the wife...but make it clear that it is OVER, and if he contacts you again you're going to the police.

 

Less threat to his marriage...but still a clear message.

[OpenBook]

Feedback really desired from the group:

Owl's point about anything less leaving the door open is valid. And it's probable that last night won't be his final attempt at either trying to get back together or throw punishment at me. What do others think about how to handle it from here?

 

Do not attempt any kind of contact with him. I cannot emphasize this strongly enough -- YOU MAY BE IN PHYSICAL DANGER with this guy!!! ONLY if HE emails you or calls you, should you tell him (once!!) to leave you alone or you will call the police. Don't tell him anything else. Don't respond to any further attempts from him for conversation or contact. If he continues to harass you, call 911.

[SofiaLo]

Hi wildsoul,

 

Sorry to hear this, but I think it was important for you to let him in and see one last time how bad is for you.

 

When you are at home alone, what about keeping the computer on and logged in the site, should he show up, tell us, some of us might be here and keep you company and

reassure you to keep the door closed. The next time he might be begging only to change once the door is open.

Please keep in mind that should you talk to him, it should be in a public place and you should be accompanied by a friend.

Now, how about allowing your wings to take flight and do something for you ( take a ride, talk to people who don't know about him so your mind might rest for a while?)

I wish I could erase the pain.

[wildsoul]

Ugh. I can't believe I'm even needing this sort of contingency planning.

 

I just called my local sheriff's office and asked what to do if the guy I broke up with gets kooky and shows up at my house again. The officer was very nice and told me:

• Don't open the door.
  
• Calmly let him know he needs to leave.
  
• Tell him I am going to dial 911 if he doesn't leave immediately.
  

The officer said I can choose to call 911 or not. He said that usually the person high-tails it out of there. But if not, they would come out and either give him a warning or take stronger action if warranted.

 

I hope I never have to enact that plan.

 

Guessing, based on the patterns I see here on the board, I will probably hear from him again in some form or another. Right now, it's easy to remember his final words about never seeing me again. I must remember that was just his attempt to take back control from me breaking up with him; it was his attempt to break up with me in order to reassert his power.

 

The most likely scenario is he will stay away for awhile, but only to punish me. Then, when his anger subsides and turns into withdrawal again, he will come back with longing/neediness/hurt/seduction.

 

I can't believe what happened last night. I'm still so shocked at the anger and craziness. He was so adoring of me before. Long way to crash. Ouch.

[whichwayisup]

I'm glad you called your local Police station and talked with them. Atleast you're prepared.

 

Don't be afraid to call 911 if you feel threatened! Your safety is much more important than his stupid games and him being a freak right now. If his wife finds out (let's say you DID have to call 911 and the cops had to go to his house) it probably is for the best.

 

Guess the NC on your end is going to be easier than you thought, I honestly can't see you breaking NC.

 

Stay safe and if you can, maybe ask a friend to stay with you this weekend to keep you company.

[Owl]

Having that friend on hand can also help you when you start to feel weak and get those pangs of feeling sorry for him too.

 

Great idea WWIU.

[wildsoul]

Stay safe and if you can, maybe ask a friend to stay with you this weekend to keep you company.

Actually, as fate would have it...

 

One of my friends is on vacation this week, and we already had plans for her to arrive today (in about an hour) to stay through Saturday afternoon (1 night.) I'm getting ready to put fresh linens on the guest bed, then try to clean myself up a bit. She was hoping I'd take her out to the beach today. So not only will I have company, but we'll get out of the house and enjoy nature.

 

I don't want her to know too much of my drama. She already knows I was in love with that guy, and I told her last week that I had broken up with him. So I think she'll be okay with me having puffy crying eyes. I don't want to tell her about last night, or for her to be afraid he'll show up again. I'm going to try to be present for her. Get my mind of my troubles, yanno?

[crystal_lostheart]

You are incredibly strong - I hope I have the courage to go through NC. Take care of yourself and stay safe. It sounds like you have done the right thing