Second Chance: The Howto

[JustinWolf]

Get back with an ex

- The how-to.

 

First, you need to understand that an ex is an ex and that once it's done sometimes it's just better to just let things go. You don't want to end up in the same road again and be heart broken. If in the relationship there was any cheating involved than I suggest you stop reading right now and move on.

 

The aftermath: In the aftermath of the breakup, you need to let things go. If the person says "it's over." it's done, do NOT BEG! Your mind will tell you to do so but please, don't. Avoid any contacts with your ex for a time and let this time be YOUR time. You will want to send emails, txts, call, drunk dial... Do not, because it will only make your ex avoid you and in the process your chances of reconciliation will be greatly damaged. Learn to CONTROL yourself. You DO NOT want to seem desperate.

 

Step 1: Learn why you broke up.

You need to know why you broke up because it help you heal. Sometimes, a "I'm just tired of this" won't cut it. So you need to have a sit down with yourself and just think of what happened. Once you do, you will be on the road to IMPROVE yourself.

 

Step 2: Healing and Moving on.

The healing will be done by itself if you get busy. Start doing activies, hang with friends, call people you may have cut off during the relationship. Go out and have fun, it will make you feel better. Once you're feeling a lot better you can go and change. Change? You need to dress differently, act differently, have a new haircut, get some clean new shiny shoes. Anything. It will boost your CONFIDENCE and you will need it. Once the heart pain seems to settle, it's time to start dating...

 

Step 3: Dating.

Yes, dating helps you get back with an ex. He/she will most likely hear about how great you are doing and are starting to see other people and it may even get them jealous. You may hear that they've started seeing someone else and that may hurt you but don't let it affect you because if it's a rebound then most likely their relationship won't work. Just continue dating and have fun. Avoid talking about the ex and just take things easy, be happy, seek happiness. Just take things slow, you're dating for dating and if it gets serious then you can continue down that path. Otherwise, it's time to...

 

Step 4: Find the ex.

While you may have been dating and enjoying yourself you may have come across a call from the ex, which is most likely. Now, it's time to call back. Just call and say "how are you, how are things at work, is everything fine with mom/dad/family." anything that will make small talk and once you feel at ease just ask for a lunch. If he/she says "hmm" or "not sure" just say "it's just a lunch" they will surely agree. If they say "no." just accept and DO NOT GET MAD just be calm and say it's fine and that you'll catch up another time. Maybe, they will call you and offer you to have a lunch with them. Until then, keep dating, having fun and going out. When you're ready, call again. Do not call everyday, maybe once a week and don't always ask for lunch. Make small talk and if it feels right, just ask for lunch or coffee. Try to break the pattern also, don't call for a longtime and then... henceforth.

 

Step 5: The lunch/coffee.

This is crucial, you do not want this "date" to last more than an hour. Just keep it small and avoid talking about your past with the person because the past is the past. Have fun, show them how you've changed, make them laugh. If you want to make them feel a sense of connection, you can lean over and just pretend there's something on their face and wipe it off. If they get into it, they will feel a connection. Once the hour is done, just say that you had a good day but you have to go. Make it short and do not try to kiss them unless they come towards you. Do not ask for another date, let them do it. Worst case scenario, they don't ask for another date and you get to call them back for another date in a week or so.

Step 6: Getting back together.

Now, eventually all those small dates will need to get spiced up and they will if the first few were small and all. Slowly, start making the dates a bit longer and start going to places that make you feel good. Go to the amusement parc; get on some rides and scream! Such emotions cause people to actually feel connections and thats what you want. Eventually, something will happen. If it doesn't after a long time, the discussion will come up about the past, do not start it. Let the ex do the talking and just agree with them or change subject quickly. If nothing happens and they tell you they just want to be friends then...

 

X_X: Step 7: The moving on.

If it didn't work, it's seriously time to move on. Look in the coping forum for advice.

 

Enjoy.

[selena_cat]

I say very good post but some of it No No nO,

ont invite them to lunch,let Them be the one to siggest itmall the work you did was in your relationship,if they are the ones who ended it, let them be the one to make suggestions, of course the ex will feel leary of seeing the person that they dumped, out of all the posts many of them says the ex was the one who wants to see them and make invitation for coffee,its better that way. Be a bit of Challenge its not a agame but you knwo life is in a way, thanks for posting Justin wolf

[nowhereman82]

Excellent guide. I would like to see it be polished and expanded and stickied. Because there are a lot of people like myself always asking these questions. Probably expand whats good and bad behavior and why.

 

As for what the poster above me said...I say there is good and bad behavior but making the first step even if you were the dumped is not a bad idea. If you want something bad enough then you need to go for it. You need to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Things in life do not get handed to you.

 

I can equate this to how a lot of women think it inappropriate to ask a guy out...and they expect to be approached and they just watch all these men walk buy.

 

Take your life in your hands....but step carefully!

[CaliGuy]

"Find the ex?"

"They'll most likely have called?"

 

Hehe, sorry man but you're way off base here. It's called a break up because it's broken and usually because one of the members of the relationship wants out for good.

 

I agree you need to heal and move on and date others, but if anyone takes this advice thinking they're going to get their ex back they are in for a rude awakening.

 

You can't make someone love you. Can't even make them miss you (especially if they are in another relationship).

 

The best advice is to go NC, move on with your life and act like they are never coming back. Because odds are, they aren't.

[Art_Critic]

The easiest way is to start on step 7.. the problem is that most people don't do that..

 

We want what we can't have.. you want the ex back because they don't want you.. if you move on and they see that then you become the item they can't have and want it back...

[foxh1234]

The way it worked with me is I thought I wanted her back and she didn't want me. Then she thought she did want me but I decided I didn't want her. Crazy how the roles get reversed sometimes, lol. Best advice is go NC, move on and improve yourself. If the ex comes back, decide if you want them, if they don't, your healed and living your life. IMHO, there is no formula or number of steps to getting anyone back. As CG said, you cannot make someone love you or want you. Step back and move on. The ex is out of your control.

[JustinWolf]

I also suggest that it's better to move on, because down the road if you don't the neccessary then the relationship will fall out again. So just move on but if you want that second chance, that's one way.

[nopainnogain]

I tried all that before and failed miserably

[JustinWolf]

I tried all that before and failed miserably

If you failed, then it's time to move on. Hence the 7th step.

[nopainnogain]

If you failed, then it's time to move on. Hence the 7th step.

 

 

i wasted my time. I wish i would of started 7th step in the first place lol.

[JustinWolf]

i wasted my time. I wish i would of started 7th step in the first place lol.

....First, you need to understand that an ex is an ex and that once it's done sometimes it's just better to just let things go. You don't want to end up in the same road again and be heart broken.

 

 

If you dated and changed and got confidence, then you wouldn't really be hurt because you would have practically moved on and found someone else since you'd been dating. Hence why it's also important to date. Most people during the dating part find someone better who's actually worth their time and at the same time since the whole heartbreak part made you want to be more attractive, you really are.

[nopainnogain]

I gues my situation was different because she cheated on me with my best friend and I still tried to get her back.

 

Brilliant post tho. Probably works best when no anomisity is held on either party.

[Eyeofthoth]

" . . . making the first step even if you were the dumped is not a bad idea. If you want something bad enough then you need to go for it. You need to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions. Things in life do not get handed to you."

 

I am thinking this is true, especially if you know that you were dumped at least partially because of some bad behavior on your part.

 

I have always been a person who just walks away when things are over. I have never been very assertive or proactive in going after things I want. The situation I am in now is the first time in my life that I have felt, two months after a breakup, that things were not finished. There is some reason that I feel this way, and I think I owe it to myself to pursue this thing to closure. And to accept the consequences of finality if it doesn't work out. . .

[Lonestar]

The easiest way is to start on step 7.. the problem is that most people don't do that..

 

We want what we can't have.. you want the ex back because they don't want you.. if you move on and they see that then you become the item they can't have and want it back...

 

I agree with my buddy, Art

[Eyeofthoth]

"We want what we can't have.. you want the ex back because they don't want you.. if you move on and they see that then you become the item they can't have and want it back..."

 

I'm sure it can happen like that. But I have never before wanted to get back together with someone more than two months after breaking up. Whether they had moved on or not -- made no difference to me.

 

I think I want him back because I was really happy while we were together.

 

Anyway, I think Step 7 and Step 1 are the same: Move on and devote time to yourself. Think of it as over.

 

Also I think this helps:

 

The relationship is over. Even if at some point you were to get back together with the same person in the future -- that would have to be a NEW relationship. If it was the same old one, it would just end up not working out again.

 

So get ready for that new relationship -- and let go of any preconceived notions at all of who the relationship might be with.

[nowhereman82]

That's the same line of thinking I have Eyeofthoth. I don't want the old relationship. I want a new relationship with the me I have been developing while doing lesson 1 from this guide. And not even necessarily right away.

 

I think a lot of people get confused as to why they want their ex back. They really need to sit down and be real with themselves...and ask why they want them back.

 

I've read a lot of post on here and a lot of people seem to want the ex back for the wrong reason....the big one: So they will be happy again. Find your own happiness so then when the time comes to get your "second chance" you have something to contribute. Don't make the break up not worth anything. Take advantage of it people!

[JustinWolf]

Happiness can be found with someone new. Someone completely different than the ex. Also, like I said earlier the 1st step and the dating thing will most likely make you meet someone new and someone much better, someone who you'd actually want to be. I also believe that people tend to want to go back with their exs for all the wrong reasons.

[nowhereman82]

Curious since this is being brought up. So here is my question and perhaps this could be a thread of its own but...

 

We all know there is happiness to be found with someone else. The ex is not the end of the road.

 

Someone new will have their positives and negatives and contribute something new to you, good or bad.

 

The ex has the same attributes. In my case I know what she contributed good and bad and what her personality is like over the long term (5 years).

 

Unless there is unreconsiable differences (they told you to f**k off, got a restraining order, slept with one of your parents lol) why not put the effort into being with them again in the future? Why does it have to be over because its over? Stubbornness? As long as you live for you and don't wait....then I can see this as acceptable behavior.

 

Dating new people is fun....but there is a whole new slew of things that will come over time that you will find you like/dislike. So you put a lot of energy in to find out they aren't the person for you.

 

What do you all think?

[Melrapuo]

I'm supposed to be meeting up with my ex today. It wasn't so much that she was the one to initiate it. Both of us have dated, and I stopped talking to her for a couple weeks at a time before she'd contact me asking whats up.

 

Tonight we're going to go out and get coffee or go to dinner. Nothing really fancy...just us catching up, seeing where things are between us. I think we both want things to go a certain way yet, but don't know exactly what the break up has done to prevent or enhance our chances.

 

I'm more confident in myself than I was before the break up. I've dated other people, learned to love myself more, and have confidence that if this doesn't work out, it was meant to be. Both of us made mistakes that led to this moment, and if we're both willing to work through them things can work out.

 

Gonna try to just have fun tonight. Don't want to bring up any of the moments in the past; just show her how I've improved myself. A lot of girls have been hitting on me (just not the right ones yet), but I know I have options beyond my ex. I just want to see if we can work on fixing things, and improve to make our relationship better than before. But at the same time, I wanna know that she wants to do the same. She's indirectly indicated that she may, but I think she's still unsure. But once again, no pressure on the idea. Just going with the flow, letting things happen.

 

Hoping for the best. Wish me luck. : )

[nowhereman82]

Best of luck Mel!

 

Just be you...otherwise you're just sabotaging yourself.

 

Give us an update

[Melrapuo]

Curious since this is being brought up. So here is my question and perhaps this could be a thread of its own but...

 

We all know there is happiness to be found with someone else. The ex is not the end of the road.

 

Someone new will have their positives and negatives and contribute something new to you, good or bad.

 

The ex has the same attributes. In my case I know what she contributed good and bad and what her personality is like over the long term (5 years).

 

Unless there is unreconsiable differences (they told you to f**k off, got a restraining order, slept with one of your parents lol) why not put the effort into being with them again in the future? Why does it have to be over because its over? Stubbornness? As long as you live for you and don't wait....then I can see this as acceptable behavior.

 

Dating new people is fun....but there is a whole new slew of things that will come over time that you will find you like/dislike. So you put a lot of energy in to find out they aren't the person for you.

 

What do you all think?

 

I've read (dunno if its on this site, or somewhere else) that long-term relationships have some form of a break or seperation within the relationship. No relationship is perfect. What determines its strength the most is the willingness of both people within it to work through hard times, whether it be a small fight or a complete seperation. Every relationship takes two people. I don't believe in the idea of things being over. No two situations are the same; all break ups are unique, but they do follow some general similarities.

 

There is always some form of curiosity within everybody. Everyone questions at some point or another if they are with the right or wrong person. My ex became freaked because she started having feelings for someone else, asked for a break to see if these feelings were real or not. I didn't take that well (obviously), and she dumped me because she felt it wasn't fair for me. She left that guy after less than a month, cuz it was obvious to her (and everyone around her) that it was a mistake.

 

After making the mistake of practically begging and looking desperate, I started no contact. Wasn't easy at first, cuz she would talk to me every now and then. But the NC got longer and longer. Eventually she texted me at one point asking why I was ignoring her. You can show that you are standing your ground and attempting to move on, but at the same time show some willingness to want to fix things. As long as you balance them out the right way, you can get the opportunity to see exactly whats still left. Both myself and my ex can be stubborn, but that stubborness can hide possible feelings we still have for each other. At this point I think we're gonna try and put that aside and just see what happens.

[Melrapuo]

Giving an update.

 

So we texted each other back and forth before meeting last night. I suggested coffee or dinner, and she decided (after an hour) to have us meet up at her apartment, order in and meet her new cat. I was taken aback by this; apartment meeting is kinda interesting.

 

So I met up with her at 7, saw her cat. We chatted for a bit, joked around. Then I suggested instead of being at her appt we go out and eat. So we went to a local pizza place. We talked about how our lives have been, who we've been dating, work, etc. She kept talking about her ex, how he was very pushy and kinda creepy. At one point after they had started their break or break up, he asked her if she wanted to move in with him! Wow.

 

Anyway, that took about an hour. We started wandering around town, ended up at a local park and just sat on the swings talking. She asked me about guys that were hitting on her, and one guy in particular who she is unsure as to whether or not he wants to help her make music (she's into recording right now), or if he wants more than that. She said to me she doesn't want the latter, but asked her sister about him to see if he was a creep. Her sister said yes. Then she asked me! I thought to myself "I'm not here to give you dating advice..." but I told her he was a creep as well lol.

 

We sat there for a bit. Talked about girls I had been dating/trying to date. I told her most of the girls that were hitting on me were already involved or not the types I was looking for. But I did say that there was one girl I was interested in. I started to talk about her, kinda got side tracked for a bit and tlaked about something else. But then she asked me about the girl again. Told her that I'd been trying to find out where she was and stuff, told her her name (which is real hehe). She suggested myspace or facebook or something, I told her I had tried that already (again, not wanting dating advice >: ( ). So after a few silences she suggested we walk back.

 

We went back to her apartment, and I asked her if she had some things that I still hadn't gotten back (car audio stuff, etc). She looked for a minute or two, said that it would take her time to find them. Then I saw one of my dvd's still in her apartment, and she told me she also had my Superbad dvd (outside of the case), and that she'd give that back to me later on. (Is she stalling here? She could've just looked for them. Her apartment isn't that big)

 

Then she was gonna show me some of her recordings, looked at them for a bit but decided that she was embarrassed by most of them. So she slowly got up, and I figured it was time for me to go. I grabbed my stuff, she picked up her cat heh. And she stood facing me with the cat in her arms. I kinda played around with him while he was there for a bit, and we were kinda close. It was quite though, and I didn't want anymore silences. So I said goodbye, and she quietly said "if you wanna hang out, just give me a call." I said ok, closed the door. And as I walked out, I heard her say "Don't be sad."

 

I don't know what to make of it, really. It was awkward that we talked about dating other people, and she seemed like she still wanted to do it. But she was kinda asking a bit about my situation. We agreed to meet up to hang out and "see what happens." I don't know if I should've made a move or not, but I didn't get that kinda vibe. And I didn't push the issue, cuz if I did it would show me as being desperate.

 

At one point I did get noticeably bored/sad about things, cuz I felt like things weren't going as I had planned. But at one point I think I saw it in her face too. So I'm not sure if we're both afraid to tell each other how we feel; me wanting to try to work things out, her maybe wanting the same but being afraid that I'll reject her?

 

Then again it could just be that she wanted to hang out as friends. But it was just me and her yesterday. And she invited me to her apartment. And she was the one that wanted to really meet. God, I hope I'm not getting into the friend zone.

 

Should I ask her next time she tries to talk to me, or wait and see what her next move is. She said "give me a call if you wanna hang out," so I dunno if I'm obligated or if I should wait for her to move first still. I really don't understand what the purpose of yesterday was, if neither of us talked about the situation. She didn't say anything about us just being friends, but she kept bringing up the fact at how her plans are all in disarray cuz she had planned her life around me and now thats gone.

 

Any ideas/advice? We did have a lot of fun yesterday, joked around. I made her laugh a pretty good deal, acted like myself. Dressed really nice too. : P

 

**EDIT** When I got home, I felt like crap. Like I shouldn't have gone out and met her in the first place, cuz I felt like she was just wanting to be friends and still date others, even though she didn't directly say anything. When I told my friend (who is a girl) the whole story, however, she said that signs pointed to the fact that maybe my ex really did want to get back together. Its kinda like how we broke up, in a way - lack of communication. I don't like being left in the dark still.

[JustinWolf]

Giving an update.

 

So we texted each other back and forth before meeting last night. I suggested coffee or dinner, and she decided (after an hour) to have us meet up at her apartment, order in and meet her new cat. I was taken aback by this; apartment meeting is kinda interesting.

 

So I met up with her at 7, saw her cat. We chatted for a bit, joked around. Then I suggested instead of being at her appt we go out and eat. So we went to a local pizza place. We talked about how our lives have been, who we've been dating, work, etc. She kept talking about her ex, how he was very pushy and kinda creepy. At one point after they had started their break or break up, he asked her if she wanted to move in with him! Wow.

 

Anyway, that took about an hour. We started wandering around town, ended up at a local park and just sat on the swings talking. She asked me about guys that were hitting on her, and one guy in particular who she is unsure as to whether or not he wants to help her make music (she's into recording right now), or if he wants more than that. She said to me she doesn't want the latter, but asked her sister about him to see if he was a creep. Her sister said yes. Then she asked me! I thought to myself "I'm not here to give you dating advice..." but I told her he was a creep as well lol.

 

We sat there for a bit. Talked about girls I had been dating/trying to date. I told her most of the girls that were hitting on me were already involved or not the types I was looking for. But I did say that there was one girl I was interested in. I started to talk about her, kinda got side tracked for a bit and tlaked about something else. But then she asked me about the girl again. Told her that I'd been trying to find out where she was and stuff, told her her name (which is real hehe). She suggested myspace or facebook or something, I told her I had tried that already (again, not wanting dating advice >: ( ). So after a few silences she suggested we walk back.

 

We went back to her apartment, and I asked her if she had some things that I still hadn't gotten back (car audio stuff, etc). She looked for a minute or two, said that it would take her time to find them. Then I saw one of my dvd's still in her apartment, and she told me she also had my Superbad dvd (outside of the case), and that she'd give that back to me later on. (Is she stalling here? She could've just looked for them. Her apartment isn't that big)

 

Then she was gonna show me some of her recordings, looked at them for a bit but decided that she was embarrassed by most of them. So she slowly got up, and I figured it was time for me to go. I grabbed my stuff, she picked up her cat heh. And she stood facing me with the cat in her arms. I kinda played around with him while he was there for a bit, and we were kinda close. It was quite though, and I didn't want anymore silences. So I said goodbye, and she quietly said "if you wanna hang out, just give me a call." I said ok, closed the door. And as I walked out, I heard her say "Don't be sad."

 

I don't know what to make of it, really. It was awkward that we talked about dating other people, and she seemed like she still wanted to do it. But she was kinda asking a bit about my situation. We agreed to meet up to hang out and "see what happens." I don't know if I should've made a move or not, but I didn't get that kinda vibe. And I didn't push the issue, cuz if I did it would show me as being desperate.

 

At one point I did get noticeably bored/sad about things, cuz I felt like things weren't going as I had planned. But at one point I think I saw it in her face too. So I'm not sure if we're both afraid to tell each other how we feel; me wanting to try to work things out, her maybe wanting the same but being afraid that I'll reject her?

 

Then again it could just be that she wanted to hang out as friends. But it was just me and her yesterday. And she invited me to her apartment. And she was the one that wanted to really meet. God, I hope I'm not getting into the friend zone.

 

Should I ask her next time she tries to talk to me, or wait and see what her next move is. She said "give me a call if you wanna hang out," so I dunno if I'm obligated or if I should wait for her to move first still. I really don't understand what the purpose of yesterday was, if neither of us talked about the situation. She didn't say anything about us just being friends, but she kept bringing up the fact at how her plans are all in disarray cuz she had planned her life around me and now thats gone.

 

Any ideas/advice? We did have a lot of fun yesterday, joked around. I made her laugh a pretty good deal, acted like myself. Dressed really nice too. : P

 

**EDIT** When I got home, I felt like crap. Like I shouldn't have gone out and met her in the first place, cuz I felt like she was just wanting to be friends and still date others, even though she didn't directly say anything. When I told my friend (who is a girl) the whole story, however, she said that signs pointed to the fact that maybe my ex really did want to get back together. Its kinda like how we broke up, in a way - lack of communication. I don't like being left in the dark still.

Of course you feel like crap, that's kind of normal but having gotten to this point there's still more to build. I'd suggest you wait for her to get back in touch with you to "hang out". I'm surprised she invited you to the appartment also. You should kind of let her know through touching her and all that there's still something but... the whole "dont be sad" makes me cringe. You should just continue on with your life and if she contacts you to hang out do so, but don't hang out more than an hour. Keep it short and sweet.

[Melrapuo]

One of my friends called me this morning. He told me he works with this guy who is part of a band that my ex likes. Now when I went over yesterday my ex told me that she had a party on Friday night, and had a bunch of people over, including the members of that band.

 

The guy is telling people he works with that he hooked up with her that night. And now I don't know what to do. If it is true, then I don't know what to do with myself. I know she got really drunk that night, cuz she told me how she had this big party and she spent like $200 on alcohol and food. And the fact that this guy is braggin' like this only makes me feel worse - cuz if he did hook up with her, then he's just treating her like a knotch on his belt. I'm angry because I care about her so much that I don't wanna see that happen to her, but at the same time she's letting it happen. And it hurts to know I can't do anything to help her.

 

Whether or not this is true, I don't know what to say to her if she contacts me again. I know she's starved for attention at this point; she's kinda distanced herself from her family, she only has a couple friends, and she's mostly stuck at home all day. So ANY attention at this point is welcome, which is why I fear that meeting with her yesterday was only that - just attention.

 

Should I confront her the next time she tries to talk to me? If this **** is true, I have to let go. I can't let my feelings for her continue to hurt me. I hate that I got my hopes up.

 

**EDIT** I just don't get it. I told my friend about it (different one), and I asked her why she thinks she went so far to still meet with me. Part of it could be guilt, but I haven't acted guilted around her. Part could be attention. And part could be that she may realize what she's done, or doing, and maybe wants to try again, but is afraid to do so. Hence her hookin' up with guys that just use her for the attention. I don't like the road she's going down. It's like she's self-destructing, and it hurts me to see it happening to her.

 

I don't get why this is happening. Everything was great, and she ruined it out of insecurity. I don't just want to be her friend, because my feelings go beyond that, and I'll only hurt myself if I take that position. I can't figure out why she wanted to hang out yesterday to "see what happens." I'm feeling angry, depressed, and used. But I'm at least able to pick myself back up.

 

I know I deserve better than this, but are her actions out of line? This was inevitable - she said she wanted to date other people, nothing serious for a bit. Just to see what else was out there. But if she's still hanging on to me, does that mean she's truthful? I don't know what to believe anymore.

[JustinWolf]

Forget about her and just move on, at this point just go NC because it shows that you still care and all and you are hurting. Just move on.