confusedtxgal_35 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 I've had a "friends with benefits" relationship with an older man for about 7 months now. The 2nd month into our relationship, I wrote him an email, telling him that I was falling in love with him. He wrote back and said that he really didn't think I meant what I said and that I probably just love the attention he gives me, attention my hubby doesn't give. (Yes, I've been having an affair, because my hubby of 4 and a half years does not show me any affection any more and is emotionally abusive and controlling.) Anyway, my "friend" said he could see a future for us as friends and "play friends," but not as a couple. He could never really pin point the reason why, he just said he didn't think we "clicked" on a boyfriend/girlfriend level. He proceeds to tell me all my good qualities: He said I was attractive, intelligent, warm and caring. He said he enjoys being intimate with me and the many talks we've had together, where he's opened up to me about his family and things that have happened to him in his life. Tell me, how can a guy say those things, but still not feel like I'm anyone he could ever get serious about? He's told me his marriage was a sham and that the 4 people he's dated since he got divorced 9 yrs. ago have all ultimately treated him bad and dumped him. I would never do those things to him, because he is all I ever wanted in a man. I know I'm still married, but hopefully that won't be for much longer. Will this guy ever change his mind about me, even if I get divorced, or what? He confuses me with all the attention and affection he shows me, but I don't ever want to be without him.............. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 Married and FWB with a single OM, eh? Hmmm.... I want you to listen carefully to what he's telling you. He hasn't been in a healthy lasting relationship and he apparently doesn't want one with you. Do you think the issues are all with his former spouse/GF's and yourself? Examine that. I'll let others tell you all about the effects on your M. My focus is on the potential health of a R with this OM. Would you sacrifice your marriage for that? Why? Do you think that you're the one who will make things all better for him? Can you conceive that the others felt that way too? Who is writing the history of his past? Has he ever shared his faults, his weaknesses? Does he have regrets being with a married woman? How does he feel about your R? It is a R, even if FWB. Weekend homework Welcome to LS Link to post Share on other sites
J2FT1 Posted August 8, 2008 Share Posted August 8, 2008 It's simple really. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you because you'll do the same thing to him as you're doing to your husband. He knows this and so will do what it takes to keep you happy being his booty call. A man's perspective if you're ready for one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Why would he want a SOLID girlfriend with you if you are MARRIED and cheating on your husband ? Not gonna happen... You need to be FREE , SINGLE and available before you sleep with anyone . Period. Forget about a future with him. Look how he REALLY sees you.... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 If you're in an abusive marriage, why do you need someone to help you leave your marriage? Are you not financially independent? If not, why not get a job, then leave your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 Healthy men generally don't seek out legitimate LTR's with women who cheat on their husbands. Once a cheat, always a cheat. Everyone knows that, and apparently, he does, too. He's telling you you're good for sideline sex, and nothing more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedtxgal_35 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Share Posted August 11, 2008 No, I'm not financially independent, because my husband made me quit my job 2 yrs. ago and refuses to let me go back to work. I'm enrolled in school for the Fall, so I may get the education I need to get a job, with which I can support myself and divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedtxgal_35 Posted August 11, 2008 Author Share Posted August 11, 2008 I thought long and hard before I decided to seek someone outside my marriage, but felt that I could no longer cope with being rejected by my hubby. I felt so lonely and needed human contact.....That's the only reason why I cheated. It wasn't an easy thing to do and I do feel guilty, but what he's doing to me is cruel. At least my FWB acts like he cares and shows me affection. If I had married someone like my FWB, I definately would not have cheated in the first place, so I will have to politely disagree with your "once a cheat, always a cheat" theory. That, as with me, is not always the case...... Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 Men can compartmentalize very well. Your OM can treat you well, you can be the best of friends and have the hottest sex, but you're not necessarily going to be long term relationship material. Unlike other posters, I won't speculate that your infidelity is the reason for his refusal to become a "couple" with you. The posible reasons are most likely many and manifold. But you don't care as to why. Instead you want to know whether this man will change position and promote you from FWB to exclusive GF. Being a guy, and having just exited a FWB relationship, I believe that it's extremely probable that you'll remain a "friend" with benefits. If anything, it's easier to maintain a FWB relationship when the woman is married. He views you as someone else's and he hopes you feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 No, I'm not financially independent, because my husband made me quit my job 2 yrs. ago and refuses to let me go back to work. I'm enrolled in school for the Fall, so I may get the education I need to get a job, with which I can support myself and divorce him. No one can stop you from doing anything, unless he's doing something illegal like physically restraining you from leaving the house. Can you not go back to your original job or at least the industry it's in? If your marriage is so abusive, remaining for the duration of an education would be ill adviseable, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 I agree with Grogster.. he is not refusing your love because you're cheating.. it has nothing to do with it.. If he was head over heels for you. he would wait... but he's being honest with you.. all he wants is to be with you for sex and friendship.. (FWB) .. period.. he can enjoy your company , yadayada.. but if you remove the S-E-X.. he will be out of your life.. quickly. I can also understand your situation, you probably have kids (not sure) and you cannot live by yourself.. since you're not financially secure and independant.. but the danger with A's is when you get emotionally involved with someone who is not ready to get involved. I can understand this guy soooo much.. I am the female counterpart.. I am single, but like the FWB relationships.. I do not want LONG TERM or LIVING relationships.. period.. he probably enjoys his freedom too much.. and methink you're not the only one.. Link to post Share on other sites
StyleFan03 Posted August 13, 2008 Share Posted August 13, 2008 Because men are naturally polygamous. You can argue with me but I'm insecure about my intelligence so I compensate by reading a lot of books so I'll probably win..lol O.k here's what it is: Modern men( and women ) are programmed to live in small tribes and whatnot. Our programming is out of date-millions of years out of date- so our our instincts are geared towards sex, food, and safety. Now here is where it gets interesting > women are programmed to be attracted to high value males ( the alpha males ) because they represent a strong reality, safety, power, and the most important aspect The Provider trait. Now men are all initially programmed to be alpha's because that's the best way to reproduce and spread their genes. Now for the interesting part...there is historical data ( the Mayans ) current data ( African tribes ) and biological data ( most mammalian males are polygamous, especially ones belonging to social species ) and human biological data ( men's compartmentalization abilities, quest for power, instant arousal by feminine imagery. etc. etc. ) all pointing to men likely being programmed to be polygamous. It's not you dear, it's nature. You're probably better off finding a beta male to supplicate for you. Because to change a man ( much less an older man ) is to fight nature and nurture. I hate to say cant, but you likely wont win. Hope that helped ( or at least made sense:-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedtxgal_35 Posted August 19, 2008 Author Share Posted August 19, 2008 Thank you so much for your opinion! I appreciate the fact that you went about expressing yourself in an intelligent, logical, but non-confrontational way, unlike others who have done nothing but spew forth venom at me. The manner in which you express your opinion is really refreshing and I found it the most helpful. Others who post to these forums should take their cue from you....... Link to post Share on other sites
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