Will you take him back if he gets divorced

[dreamy1945]

and his free to be with you? Just curious as to know how many of us would....for me I'm still on the fence.

[Terminator]

In a heartbeat, but that's how I feel now, who knows how I will feel further down the line.

[GreenEyedLady]

and his free to be with you? Just curious as to know how many of us would....for me I'm still on the fence.

 

No, I wouldn't wait for him until he divorced.

 

Instead I'm going through it with him. Why would I waste at the bare minimum, a year of our life together waiting just so he and I can say the ink is dry?

 

We're living together and have been for several months now. I love him and support him. The "ink" wasn't that important to me. All the action was there, so it seemed a moot point. I wanted progress and that's what I got. If the action wasn't there, then different story.

 

GEL

[mistresswchildren]

I really don't know anymore. I don't think I have the capacity to care about anyone besides my children at this point. (

[phoenixrising]

Interesting, someone asked me that the other day... MM (xMM) and I have had a 4-year relationship. I think he stayed so long because I wasn't firm enough when we had the NC in the past. This past year we tried the "friends" thing... against the LS advice I tried... didn't work... when I FINALLY began dating someone else after 3-1/2 years he got out the rod and reel, and the most attractive lures available... and in I swam...

 

This made me know that he either had to love me enough to leave the wife, or let me go, so I asked him to make a decision ... and he let me go. He's respected my very firm request for NC since then, and I've had to be consistent as well which is VERY difficult. And I also realized that dating is futile until my head is cleared of him.

 

So - to answer your question - Because he isn't clawing at the door, and is respecting my wishes - and because I love him - I would start at the beginning and date him if he were to divorce his wife. If he stayed married, and kept after me knowing I needed to disconnect to be emotionally healthy, I would know he was even more selfish than I thought, and I would think it over for a year or so.

[Lookingforward]

It doesn't seem dreamy is asking if you would stay with him WHILE he divorced....rather would you be with him if he WERE to divorce.

 

Two different scenarios. One would assume the A is ongoing, the other sounds like after a period of NC.

 

and to answer the question....frankly, I don't know, it would depend on a LOT of different things.

 

I know I still love him but would I trust him again?

[me003]

I am on the fence. I still think that he would cheat on me. That he would be so good at it that he would fool me like he did his wife for 2 years.

 

I would constantly look over his cell phone bill, and like others have posted on here, he could have a second cell phone. I am just not sure that I could trust him.

 

Also, he denied me, when he could not deny me anymore, then he said that we were over, when BS found out we weren't he claimed that he was breaking up with me and NC, he didn't follow this either.

 

Just not sure I would ever believe anything he said to me. After all he said that he loved her when he was lying to BS.

 

Yet, I still love him... This is why I am not sure. My head and heart are not communicating very well.

[Agent_99]

Yes I would. Don't know how I'll feel in the future though.

 

~99

[jj33]

No, I wouldn't wait for him until he divorced.

 

Instead I'm going through it with him. Why would I waste at the bare minimum, a year of our life together waiting just so he and I can say the ink is dry?

 

We're living together and have been for several months now. I love him and support him. The "ink" wasn't that important to me. All the action was there, so it seemed a moot point. I wanted progress and that's what I got. If the action wasn't there, then different story.

 

GEL

 

GEL - Good for you and a large part of me agrees but doesnt that often make the divorce messier? My understanding from divorce lawyers is that even if it doesnt change the legal obligation it can make the other spouse angrier and feel more rejected and as a result make the divorce uglier and more protracted and less likely to settle on more reasonable terms. Apparently that is not your case which is great.

 

In some jurisdictions if a man has been supporting his wife it can mean that he will owe more as the OW's income can be taken into account in determining how much he need to live since he is splitting living expenses.

 

I know in my case much as I would have wanted to be there for him and to do anything possible to support him, if he had left we would have had to be very low profile during the divorce period because it would have fueled the fire and her embarrassment at everyone knowing he had left her for another woman would have intensified her urge to take him to the cleaners.

 

Much as I say I am not looking back I am very curious about that.

[crystal_lostheart]

No, I wouldn't wait for him until he divorced.

 

Instead I'm going through it with him. Why would I waste at the bare minimum, a year of our life together waiting just so he and I can say the ink is dry?

 

We're living together and have been for several months now. I love him and support him. The "ink" wasn't that important to me. All the action was there, so it seemed a moot point. I wanted progress and that's what I got. If the action wasn't there, then different story.

 

GEL

 

GEL - You seem to be in the minority where he did leave while you were with him. Did he always show you action and if so what was it that YOU did during that time period (i think you said it took about 2 years or so for it to happen) to keep yourself sane? Your patience must be fantastic. He obviously really wanted to be with you. Why did it take a while? Is it just something he had to realise on his own? At times, did you feel like it was a huge risk for yourself to wait that long. Sorry for all the questions - just wanting to get some more insight.

 

I don't know what I would do if I left him and he got the divorce - my head is too clouded to make that decsion - What if he went back?

 

Thanks

[CAMAYPARK]

No, I wouldn't wait for him until he divorced.

 

Instead I'm going through it with him. Why would I waste at the bare minimum, a year of our life together waiting just so he and I can say the ink is dry?

 

We're living together and have been for several months now. I love him and support him. The "ink" wasn't that important to me. All the action was there, so it seemed a moot point. I wanted progress and that's what I got. If the action wasn't there, then different story.

 

GEL

 

I'm with you on this one, GEL. However, I won't flaunt it around, I wouldn't want the W to feel bad about it or his kids (not really kids after all). Although saying that I won't flaunt it, I wouldn't want to be sneaky around either, so some sort of balance has to be achieved.

 

What if they didn't end up divorcing but he lives with you permanently?

[astra77]

Before i ended the A - I was prepared to leave my M for my xmm.

 

He took NO action when i left, and to this day still has done nothing,

he has been NC with me for months now. This speaks volumes to me.

 

After all the pain, humiliation, loss of self esteem and general mental unhealthyness this has caused me, i can safely say, NO, i would not want him. Why ? If he wasnt prepared to leave his M for me then, why the hell would it work.

 

Do I still love my xmm yes and no. Would i take him back if he came to me one day with D papers. NO. He hurt me more than anyone in this world has ever done before and there is NO WAY on earth i will go there again, not when i am making my way back from living in hell on earth.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL - Good for you and a large part of me agrees but doesnt that often make the divorce messier? My understanding from divorce lawyers is that even if it doesnt change the legal obligation it can make the other spouse angrier and feel more rejected and as a result make the divorce uglier and more protracted and less likely to settle on more reasonable terms. Apparently that is not your case which is great.

 

In some jurisdictions if a man has been supporting his wife it can mean that he will owe more as the OW's income can be taken into account in determining how much he need to live since he is splitting living expenses.

 

It hasn't made the divorce messy at all. Everything was agreed upon between both parties. And she is not vindictive in the least. I am sure she wasn't happy either. Now she's free as well.

 

And he wasn't supporting her. She has her own career and makes good money. And where I am, my income can't be taken into account until we marry. But alimony was waived anyway, so it didn't pose a problem.

[GreenEyedLady]

What if they didn't end up divorcing but he lives with you permanently?

 

It's almost final now (another month). They both want the divorce. So there's no issue.

 

It's nice to not worry about that.

[GreenEyedLady]

Did he always show you action and if so what was it that YOU did during that time period (i think you said it took about 2 years or so for it to happen) to keep yourself sane? Your patience must be fantastic. He obviously really wanted to be with you. Why did it take a while? Is it just something he had to realise on his own? At times, did you feel like it was a huge risk for yourself to wait that long. Sorry for all the questions - just wanting to get some more insight.

 

I don't know what I would do if I left him and he got the divorce - my head is too clouded to make that decsion - What if he went back?

 

Once I knew he was married, he always made it a point to keep me happy-he didn't want to lose me. When I was unhappy with the way things were going and not getting what I needed, I did NC or LC. That was twice in the year before they separated. I made a lot of friends here and they kept me sane.

 

It took awhile because he was worried about what people would think of him, he thought he would be poor (), and he worried about retirement. Plus it's hard to say you failed in a M. He had to deal with all those issues before he could say that he wanted to be happy.

 

I guess people will say that is selfish, but is it less selfish to stay in a marriage and be unfaithful to your partner?

 

I didn't see waiting as a huge risk. I loved him and I never sat at home waiting for him to call. I lived my life and went out. My biological clock wasn't ticking (I have kids), I'm divorced, I have a great career and I feel/felt like I have all the time in the world. And he was good at meeting my needs or no I would not have stayed.

 

And I watched him change. That was the biggest indicator to me that he would be a good partner. He saw his weaknesses and sought to fix them.

 

I guess it is always a possibility that they will go back, if they are conflicted. Maybe that's why it did take so long, because he wasn't conflicted when he decided that his M was over. He took that time we were together to decide instead of leaving and then wondering if it was the right thing to do. He already knew it was the right thing to do.

 

And there was no romantic love between them. If your MM tells you that he loves his W, he is not going anywhere.

 

You have to know if he is your partner or not. If he's not your partner, then you have your answer.

 

GEL

[jj33]

Thanks for responding. It sounds like it was as ideal a situation as it gets in terms of a clean break. Good for you.

[OWoman]

It's almost final now (another month). They both want the divorce. So there's no issue.

 

It's nice to not worry about that.

 

Nice that it's so clear!

 

My MM's D will hopefully be through by year end, depending on the courts.

 

[GreenEyedLady]

Thanks for responding. It sounds like it was as ideal a situation as it gets in terms of a clean break. Good for you.

 

Yeah, it wasn't like a lot of nightmares you hear about. But everyone acted like adults and she really has a lot of grace and class. I think she knew that her M wasn't what she hoped it would be and she has even said that she is over it and has moved on.

[GreenEyedLady]

Nice that it's so clear!

 

My MM's D will hopefully be through by year end, depending on the courts.

 

 

Yeah, I know. I would hate to have to worry about the back and forth. I've read about it and it has to suck.

 

Hopefully the courts are better there than they are here. His is progressing so quickly because they both want it finished.

[wendyieann]

My head and heart are not communicating very well.

 

Well, when I met STBXH he was going through his 1st divorce. I was there for him and 3 years later he got his wish. Then we married.

 

He left me when our 2nd child was 6 weeks old for his married co-worker! She divorced her H, because she signed a paper admitting an affair. I am still not divorced and it has been 3 yrs.

 

NOW....

 

MY STBHX is no longer with OW... I have never had a b/f since.

 

I admit, my heart still longs for him. I dream of the "family" life I so desparetly wanted years ago. Part of me feels my little children, ages 4 & 3 deserve me to try again.

 

The funny part is, my STBXH still has NO contact with me...we have yet to have a decent conversation in over 4 months... (my father does exchanges)

 

My head says, if he hasn't made the effort to even talk to you, then don't look back.

 

My heart says, give him a chance. He is hurting from his recent breakup and needs time to heal.

 

In the end, who will get hurt if it doesn't work out? ME and the kids.

 

In the end, who will benefit if we DO work things out? All of us...

 

sigh... I wish I knew what he wanted, or something...

 

Sometimes, I feel really stupid...

[wildsoul]

Well, when I met STBXH he was going through his 1st divorce. I was there for him and 3 years later he got his wish. Then we married.

 

He left me when our 2nd child was 6 weeks old for his married co-worker! She divorced her H, because she signed a paper admitting an affair. I am still not divorced and it has been 3 yrs.

Ouchie. That's a road filled with broken glass. Really, my heart goes out to you. I can see how you've got kids and must make it work somehow.

 

You're illustrating one of the big risks. Even though you got your guy divorced from his XW and M to you, he still didn't commit fully. And the pain continued. It seems an obvious risk, but I can very much see how you took it. It's easy to imagine that happily ever after begins after he marries YOU. But the drama continues. Those patterns run deep.

 

I think what you've gone through would kill me. Surely, I'd be suicidal.

 

Curious: If you could have a do-over on the decision to wait for your MM and also marry him, would you?

[White Flower]

and his free to be with you? Just curious as to know how many of us would....for me I'm still on the fence.

Hmmm. Let's see.

 

I would need to bug his cell phone and computer, be attached at the hip 24/7, or agree to having an open marriage.

 

Open marriage scenario: All OWs come to interview with me, get tested for STDs before and during ongoing R with future H, sign any and all contracts I would have drawn up for them to sign, and let them know I am the queen.

 

LOL, barring the crash-hot sex everything else is a gamble.

[wildsoul]

Hmmm. Let's see.

 

I would need to bug his cell phone and computer, be attached at the hip 24/7, or agree to having an open marriage.

 

Open marriage scenario: All OWs come to interview with me, get tested for STDs before and during ongoing R with future H, sign any and all contracts I would have drawn up for them to sign, and let them know I am the queen.

 

LOL, barring the crash-hot sex everything else is a gamble.

LOL! And the crash-hot sex ceases to be so when you're feeling like a prison warden instead of the cherished one and only.

[jj33]

All so true. I used to joke (not to him) that by the time he left hed be so old he'd need round the clock care and when I went to the store I'd have to worry about whether he was hitting on the nurse.

[wildsoul]

All so true. I used to joke (not to him) that by the time he left hed be so old he'd need round the clock care and when I went to the store I'd have to worry about whether he was hitting on the nurse.

*wipes a tear of laughter away* OMG. Now THAT is comedy.