Will you take him back if he gets divorced

[jj33]

You gotta laugh - in time I hope we are all able to laugh about so much of this stuff. Some of its still not funny today but just wait until the movie....

[White Flower]

All so true. I used to joke (not to him) that by the time he left hed be so old he'd need round the clock care and when I went to the store I'd have to worry about whether he was hitting on the nurse.

Ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! I have had this vision too!

[jj33]

Im glad I am not the only one. You want to think a tiger can change their stripes and that it would be different if they were with you but... ah well no matter now. But there are so many funny things.

 

I remember the first night he was at my house he woke up startled at like 4 am and said he had to go home and I said why? Its 4 am whatever you need to do you can do in the morning. He gave me the lamest of excuses but he was panicked.

 

I was so naive. I look back and laugh hysterically that it never occured to me he had thought he could go home to his house "after". And he never said I need to go home because I am married.... I think he knew if he left then he was never ever ever coming back.

 

I twigged afterwards and said look you come you stay I dont rent the room by the hour. And we stuck to that. Amazingly. I think they work on plausible excuses - you say that there was a herd of goats blocking the road and you couldnt make it back sooner thats not so good but try something a little better and it will be accepted with little question and little frostiness.

 

Serves him right. I bet he didnt sleep a wink for the next 2 hours. Ah its nice to look back and laugh isnt it. OK maybe thats not so nice to laugh but its better than being hurt and sad.

[SnowWhite924]

I would need to bug his cell phone and computer, be attached at the hip 24/7, or agree to having an open marriage.

 

 

I agree with this and I'd be with him if we were BOTH divorced and only after I got tired of looking for someone else.

[White Flower]

I agree with this and I'd be with him if we were BOTH divorced and only after I got tired of looking for someone else.

Are you currently looking? I'll have to go back and read your posts, but if you are still M, then I presume you would want to look after D before deciding to go back to MM?

[SnowWhite924]

I'm not looking! I'm happily married! I hope I never get divorced. I made a huge, stupid, mistake that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

I wake up every day thanking God I'm out of the A.

 

My exMM is not marriage material. Only if I were alone and desparate would I get involved with him again. Then again, maybe a dog would be better!

[Lyssa]

The divorce process that FMM went through was quick because both wanted it. I didn't know he filed for it until he showed me the papers which happened during the period of time that I went NC with him.

 

If someone were to ask me if I would have preferred to be there for him when he was going through the divorce - my answer would be - I have no friggin' idea.

 

I'm happy that we are together now and that everyone around us is happy. Getting to this stage is not easy though but we are grateful everyday for what we have now.

[White Flower]

I'm not looking! I'm happily married! I hope I never get divorced. I made a huge, stupid, mistake that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

I wake up every day thanking God I'm out of the A.

 

My exMM is not marriage material. Only if I were alone and desparate would I get involved with him again. Then again, maybe a dog would be better!

Ha ha ha! And aren't there plenty of dogs out there!

[Sup]

I'm not looking! I'm happily married! I hope I never get divorced. I made a huge, stupid, mistake that I have to live with for the rest of my life.

 

I wake up every day thanking God I'm out of the A.

 

My exMM is not marriage material. Only if I were alone and desparate would I get involved with him again. Then again, maybe a dog would be better!

 

 

Have you told your husband about the Affair? Doesn't he have a right to make a decision about his life, and who'd he like to spend it with? Like it or not, he has that right, don't be selfish and attempt to make it for him. Oh, lastly, the BS's almost always find out, sooner or later, if he finds out later, then he's gonna feel cheated out of his life that he could've shared with someone else, plus the fact that his marriage and life has been nothing but a Lie!

[SnowWhite924]

The first thing that came to mind was Hell No! Maybe I'm unreasonable. Let me think of his qualities that first come to mind...

 

Liar, Cheater, Betrayer, Lack of Integrity, Selfish, Manipulator, and Egotistical.

 

I know there are more but why bother thinking about them or him!

 

So, to answer your question again... HELL NO! She can have him.

[miss tee]

The first thing that came to mind was Hell No! Maybe I'm unreasonable. Let me think of his qualities that first come to mind...

 

Liar, Cheater, Betrayer, Lack of Integrity, Selfish, Manipulator, and Egotistical.

 

I know there are more but why bother thinking about them or him!

 

So, to answer your question again... HELL NO! She can have him.

 

Wow Snowwhite! did we have an A with the same man? ha! those traits sound eerily similar to my xmm!

 

and to answer the question about taking him back after the divorce -NO. god no. My exMM is actually going thru a D right now and I want nothing to do with him.

[Deegee]

As of today, a clear, resounding, NO! (Check back with me later, I might change my mind)....

But, no because when it came down to making a decision, he showed me his true colors, and it wasn't pretty. It actually broke my heart. He turned out to be someone who I didn't even know, and this was after being with him for 3 years!

I guess that I'm glad that it didn't move on to marriage, because I'd really feel like an idiot, and I'm sure the loss would have been devastating.

Lesson learned.

[Sup]

The first thing that came to mind was Hell No! Maybe I'm unreasonable. Let me think of his qualities that first come to mind...

 

Liar, Cheater, Betrayer, Lack of Integrity, Selfish, Manipulator, and Egotistical.

 

I know there are more but why bother thinking about them or him!

 

So, to answer your question again... HELL NO! She can have him.

 

 

You really think this way of your husband that you cheated on? Am I missing something here?

[NewSunrise]

and his free to be with you? Just curious as to know how many of us would....for me I'm still on the fence.

Hmmm....that depends.

 

If I were an OW involved with a MM who promised to to leave his W for me but doesn't until his W iniates the D, I wouldn't. Who wants to be chosen by "default?"

 

If the MM were to actually D, answer is still no.

 

Been approached by MM before and my response was "You're married aren't you?" The reply was a surprise stutter followed by a "welll....I don't know if you knew but....we're getting seperated and things haven't been the same for awhile..." The poor me story. Then I said, "If you plan on cheating on your wife, it won't be with me."

 

Bottom line: If anyone is willing to cheat on their spouse, the probability of them cheating on you is greater simply because they haven't figured out how to deal with the conflicts in that marriage relationship. And if they haven't, what makes you think that jumping into a "second" relationship while still married is going to make them a better candidate let alone be the "new and improved" person?

 

One of the biggest problem people do when they enter relationships is "thinking" and expecting that they can change the other person.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hmmm....that depends.

 

If I were an OW involved with a MM who promised to to leave his W for me but doesn't until his W iniates the D, I wouldn't. Who wants to be chosen by "default?"

 

If the MM were to actually D, answer is still no.

 

Been approached by MM before and my response was "You're married aren't you?" The reply was a surprise stutter followed by a "welll....I don't know if you knew but....we're getting seperated and things haven't been the same for awhile..." The poor me story. Then I said, "If you plan on cheating on your wife, it won't be with me."

 

Bottom line: If anyone is willing to cheat on their spouse, the probability of them cheating on you is greater simply because they haven't figured out how to deal with the conflicts in that marriage relationship. And if they haven't, what makes you think that jumping into a "second" relationship while still married is going to make them a better candidate let alone be the "new and improved" person?

 

One of the biggest problem people do when they enter relationships is "thinking" and expecting that they can change the other person.

 

I think this is great advice....clear, concise- an eye opener

[LostGirl811]

Once I knew he was married, he always made it a point to keep me happy-he didn't want to lose me. When I was unhappy with the way things were going and not getting what I needed, I did NC or LC. That was twice in the year before they separated. I made a lot of friends here and they kept me sane.

 

It took awhile because he was worried about what people would think of him, he thought he would be poor (), and he worried about retirement. Plus it's hard to say you failed in a M. He had to deal with all those issues before he could say that he wanted to be happy.

 

I guess people will say that is selfish, but is it less selfish to stay in a marriage and be unfaithful to your partner?

 

I didn't see waiting as a huge risk. I loved him and I never sat at home waiting for him to call. I lived my life and went out. My biological clock wasn't ticking (I have kids), I'm divorced, I have a great career and I feel/felt like I have all the time in the world. And he was good at meeting my needs or no I would not have stayed.

 

And I watched him change. That was the biggest indicator to me that he would be a good partner. He saw his weaknesses and sought to fix them.

 

I guess it is always a possibility that they will go back, if they are conflicted. Maybe that's why it did take so long, because he wasn't conflicted when he decided that his M was over. He took that time we were together to decide instead of leaving and then wondering if it was the right thing to do. He already knew it was the right thing to do.

 

And there was no romantic love between them. If your MM tells you that he loves his W, he is not going anywhere.

 

You have to know if he is your partner or not. If he's not your partner, then you have your answer.

 

GEL

 

 

GEL-

 

Sorry if this question was answered already but....does your MM have kids with his W? And by kids, I mean under 18, not adult-age children.....

 

Besides the finances and the fact that his W is a SAHM and he works two jobs just to pay the mortgage on the 2 year old house he's wanted his whole life.....my MM has three little children, ranging in age from 5 years old all the way down to 2 months old. He does NOT have a romantic love relationship with his W, but he does LOVE her, in the same manner that you would have a caring love for any close family member. These things seem to be the biggest blockade to anything happening with my MM. And unlike you, fortunately or not, I haven't decided which, Ive started to feel that whole "settling down in the next few years" thing (Im 26 years old) and wanting kids of my own.

 

Anyway, just wondering if he had any small kids when he divorced.

 

LG

[Terminator]

Hmmm....that depends.

 

If I were an OW involved with a MM who promised to to leave his W for me but doesn't until his W iniates the D, I wouldn't. Who wants to be chosen by "default?"

 

 

I have to agree, been there done that.

 

I was with the guy for 13 years (living together as husband and wife) yet a D was never initiated due to the W's religious views. I knew he would never file himself so it was put on the backburner. I was never all that eager to marry for the sake of the paperwork anyway, so it wasn't brought up.

 

10 years into the R I become pregnant and that was when my feelings started to change. Next thing we know the W has decided to D and remarry someone she met through her church (suddenly it was okay to D as god planned this or some such guff).

 

He of course, after 13 years together and a new baby assumes we will be getting married.

 

Sorry bub, "too little, too late" and I don't WANT to marry you, thanks but no thanks.

 

Never seen a guy look so gobsmacked in my life

 

Men can be such idiots when they choose to be.

[NoIDidn't]

Hey, can I answer too?

 

If I got involved with a married guy but then went NC because of the marriage, it really depends on how the relationship ended or began.

 

If it was an EA that we backed out of until the timing was right for us (as him, him and me not married), and things never got ugly (I wasn't lied to all the time, no d-day) or full of drama, then yeah, I would consider marrying him.

 

But if things got ugly and I was lied to or strung along in any kind of way, there is no chance I would even consider a friendship with such a man.

[LostGirl811]

PS- to answer the original question.....if MM came to me tomorrow and told me he'd decided to get a D, Im not sure I'd have just one reaction. There'd be thrill at the prospect of trying a real R with him , for sure. But I wouldn't be stupid about it. I wouldn't want him to move in with me right away or anything like that.

 

There would be alot of turmoil present. I'm sure his friends and family would tell him he's an idiot for ruining his perfect life and alot of them would resent me if they knew I was a factor. I'm sure he'd feel angst and depression about not being in his house that he's worked so hard to buy, or being with his kids every day. I guess i'd be worried that he'd resent me at some point for being a reason he decided to do it, so I'd hope he did it because he needed to do it for HIM and not for me.

 

I don't think there is a happy way of these things resolving themselves acutely...but that doesn't mean it doesn't work out in the long run.

 

It is possible, though. My step father's parents met when they were both married to other people. They had an affair for years. His mother had two children with her first husband. His father had several children with his first wife. His mother got pregnant with him when she was still married to husband #1, who thought that my step dad was his son when really he was the OM's son. OM knew he was his son but didn't say anything. He was always in my step dad's life, but they didn't officially let him know till he was an adult. Step dad says he always had a feeling this was true anyway.

Anyway, my point is, the man and woman having an affair pissed off everyone around them, their BS's, their kids, their family's and friends. Everyone told them the same thing you'd expect- that they were horrid for having an affair, etc etc.

 

At the end of the day, the kids grew up into normal , adjusted adults. At the end of the day, the man and woman realized they could grow old with spouses they didn't love, or grow old with one they did love. So, they got divorced, and married each other.

 

That man loved that woman, once his OW, and eventually his second W, till the day he died at the age of 83 a couple years ago. When I sat in the church at the funeral, his kids all looked sad, of course, but only when I looked at his widow's face, this former OW, did I start to cry myself because the look on her face was one in which only your true love could hold. Its indescribable, like a piece of her own soul died with this man and she would forever be incomplete without him, until she herself passed.

 

Life and love aren't always simple, and you can't always do things because that's what other people want you to do. Im not saying that divorce is easy on children, but most of them get over it. I got over my parents divorcing, it happens. It's not a good thing, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. You can be a loving parent even if you're not married to the kids other parent. People go through alot in life, and generally speaking, just because your parents are divorced, this is not the sole factor to f**k a person up. If they really get screwed up, let's be honest, there were other things that happened along the way.

 

It's up to each situation individually....

[Terminator]

It's not a good thing, but it's not the worst thing that can happen. You can be a loving parent even if you're not married to the kids other parent. People go through alot in life, and generally speaking, just because your parents are divorced, this is not the sole factor to f**k a person up. If they really get screwed up, let's be honest, there were other things that happened along the way.

 

And more than a few children have also been F**d up by two parents that kept a M "intact" which would have been better for all concerned had it been dissolved.

[LostGirl811]

And more than a few children have also been F**d up by two parents that kept a M "intact" which would have been better for all concerned had it been dissolved.

 

Absolutely agreed, Terminator ;-) (sorry, your name made me giggle)

 

Anyway, when kids are little they may not notice it as much, but you better believe they'll know something is off when they get a little older, and even at age 10 or so they'll notice.

 

I look back on my younger years and i remember good times with my parents being together, but once i started to get older, I can also remember horrible arguments, screaming, hell, in one instance my mother threw a chair across the bloody room at him (that was an isolated incident, but boy was she mad at something he did that day....hell if i can remember why, but i def remember it!). And to be honest, I think they actually did love each other, but that doesn't mean they were right for each other.

 

People, society, has this view where the marriage should stay in tact no matter what and that just isn't true. Seeing your parents ignore each other, never be affectionate, scream at each other, argue over everything, is just as damaging, if not MORESO, than having two loving parents that are divorced. Divorce has such a stigma....its not what every little girl dreams of having when she grows up, but then again, little girls usually only dream about the fun wedding and the pretty dress, they don't really think much about the life afterwards. If this simplistic children's view on life worked, maybe we'd all be happier, but it's unrealistic. Marriage is hit and miss- it's very hard to know who will be the one. Good people make mistakes and marry the wrong person all the time. If all parties involved have tried to make it work, and at the end of the day, they really just aren't good together....They shouldn't stay together just because it looks better for appearances, because eventually even the apperances will look like an obvious sham to those closest to them, especially the kids.

[bish]

Deleted content.

[bish]

Unnecessary comments.

[Lucky_One]

Would I get back with XMM if he contacted me now and said he was divorced?

 

No. He lied to me too many times, and he nearly drove me nuts. I have started dating someone that I absolutely adore, and even if I were still alone, I still wouldn't go back to xMM - no way, no how.

[Terminator]

Comments deleted for continuity.