Wife moved out a week ago

[sparkey64]

My wife of 18 years moved out by surprise last week. It appears she planned it well in advance, actually telling our children 17 and 15 2 months ago. She told me I caused her 20 years of misery. And that I caused a miscarriage (she is 41) last Fall. We have had some good times and rough times - got back together after a year separation about 7 years ago. I didn't really want the pregnancy and I guess, didn't support her on it. I thought we are too old and should enjoy the good times and wait til our children have children. We went to Cuba this winter, and it was generally a pretty good time. And then on her request I had a vasectomy in May. Right around that time, she started going on facebook a lot in the evening, and hanging out with new friends. She started a new job and staying out late in the evening, saying it was work functions or friends etc. A couple of times, she said she pulled all nighters at work. (I dont believe it). When she walked out the door, I asked her to try counseling. She said yes but it wouldn't work. She says she doesn't have a boyfriend - not sure if I believe it. And told the kids that I asked her to try counseling.

 

Next step counseling on tues. Any advice? I would love to save my marriage.

[TrustInYourself]

My wife of 18 years moved out by surprise last week. It appears she planned it well in advance, actually telling our children 17 and 15 2 months ago. She told me I caused her 20 years of misery. And that I caused a miscarriage (she is 41) last Fall. We have had some good times and rough times - got back together after a year separation about 7 years ago. I didn't really want the pregnancy and I guess, didn't support her on it. I thought we are too old and should enjoy the good times and wait til our children have children. We went to Cuba this winter, and it was generally a pretty good time. And then on her request I had a vasectomy in May. Right around that time, she started going on facebook a lot in the evening, and hanging out with new friends. She started a new job and staying out late in the evening, saying it was work functions or friends etc. A couple of times, she said she pulled all nighters at work. (I dont believe it). When she walked out the door, I asked her to try counseling. She said yes but it wouldn't work. She says she doesn't have a boyfriend - not sure if I believe it. And told the kids that I asked her to try counseling.

 

Next step counseling on tues. Any advice? I would love to save my marriage.

 

Yeah, I see her testing you on the vasectomy. She knows you wanted it. You know she wanted kids. You did it, with her permission, validating her thoughts that you don't care about her feelings. You are the source of her misery.

 

Her thoughts on your 20 years are reflections that are based on her current misery. She's sad so all of her reflections on the relationship will focus on the sad times, rather than the happy.

 

You didn't support her on the pregnancy. She feels wronged by you. You are her husband and life mate and her happiness should be first, not yours. After the miscarriage, that was another validation and reinforcement of the fact that you never supported her, hence you do not love her.

 

Her new job offers her new hope, you can not provide. Facebook, socializing with new friends, new people is her acting out her true feelings, that it's time to move on. She's already moved on emotionally and most likely physically. All those encounters have been fun and mysterious, further validating her thoughts that she doesn't love you. She feels free and happy without you.

 

She offers to try counseling as a token effort. She's done with the marriage. She's going through the motions so that she seems like she's interested in the marriage, when she's truly not. It's just a show to prove that she's a good mother and wife who just doesn't love you anymore. PR effort if you ask me.

 

She may or may not have a boyfriend. The point is her feelings for you have "changed".

 

 

Now that you have my critical analysis of the tiny amount of information provided. What do you want? What makes you happy? What do you want out of life?

 

Your marriage has hope!

 

The question is are you ready and willing to turn it around. You can do it. If you still love her, there is hope.

[LakesideDream]

Welcome to the club Sparky.... Walk away wives are all the rage! Good or bad the phenom is here to stay!

 

Good Luck!

[Simon Leon]

Hi Sparky,

 

Give me an e-mail address so I can send you some information.

Make up a quick yahoo account.

 

I wish someone had got me on to some of this stuff as soon as my wife left me.

[whichwayisup]

Simon, wait till you both have PM privvies on the site. It's a LS no-no to put email addresses in posts..Quickly made up or not.

 

Sparky, she's having some sort of affair, whether it be emotional or physical, who knows, but there is someone else - Or she's enjoying life on facebook TOO much.

 

It is obvious she's in some sort of fog -aka the affair fog - Because to tell your two children of her plans 2 months ago and not tell you is completely unfair and selfish of her to put that on those kids! How awful for them. Have to ask, she left, so that means she's left the kids with you, right? If that is the case, then WHAT is she doing now that she's left? You could hire at PI to find out wtf she's been up to..

 

Sorry that you and your kids have to go through this.

[the2gman]

Sorry SPARKEY64 for what you're going through...my wife of close (next month) to 20 years left me like 3 weeks ago. Our 2 older kids are OK (+18 yrs) but I do have concern for my 12 yr old. It;s hard, how can they just leave the kids? I don;t understand that. I guess either she is a heartless emotionless person, or she is really in a lot of emotional turmoil. I want to think the latter.

 

Its hard....am I supportive, wait for her, and be patient kinda guy....or do I say screw her and start to put my emotions in check and try (whatever that means) to deal and start to put my own emotions and feelins above hers?

 

Of course, our kids are most important, I wold never be disrespectful to their mother in front of them. But here online, I can call her all sorts of names!

[sparkey64]

probably a good analysis Trustinyourself.

 

SHe didn't ditch the kids, just walked away from me. Got an apartment. Said she didnt' know if its forever but couldnt stay here anymore. She didn't support my decision to get the big V. She basically told me to get one. Kids with me this week her next week (that will be tough). She sent me some really mixed messages - I was crawling under a cupboard the other night and she slapped my a$$ playfully for no reason. She also told me she didn't want me selling the house - although that could be selfish on her part as it is a block from the kids school.

 

As for me? what do I want? Im tired of being a slave, But then Im still numb, and until she walked out the door, I worshipped her. Its been a week now and I have a real difficult time getting out of bed in the morning. And next week will be the tough one.

 

I do want her back (I think). I am going to have real trust issues though.

And if she has a boyfriend, I am not delusional to think that counseling will be a waste of time... and she will be just going through the motions.

 

I would love to just call her and chat... but know better.

So how do I or can I pull this one out of the fire.

 

what do you mean I have to get PM privaleges on the site?

Simon, what you have you can post here if you want. I will take what I can get.

[Simon Leon]

If you can set up PM function, I can faciltiate sending you an e-book I recieved that helped me quickly come to terms with my situation. I'm about 8 weeks ahead of you as far as when my wife left me.

 

Also, I reccomend you go to your bookstore and get (or hang out there and read it) "Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis.

 

I'm following the approach's recommended and I'm already seeing results. Keep in mind that these stratagies are for you to initiate change in yourself. If one partner changes their approach/communication, the dynamics of the situation have to change.

 

This is not going to be the case in all situations...but it is working for me. That's why I'm recommending it.

I wish I had this information the day my ex moved out. With my initial approach, I just pushed her further and further away.

Now that void is slowly closing again.

 

Don't go and trial & error your way through this situation. Take advise from the pro's who have seen 1000's of marrage problems and know the best practices when it comes to addressing marital problems.

 

I seriously though my marrage was doomed...and the advise I mostly got from this site was to move on and go completly NC.

I'm glad I didn't follow that....because the alternative for me is so much better.

[TrustInYourself]

I didn't advise you to go NC. I read two of her books. They're interesting reads. Buddy!

[TrustInYourself]

probably a good analysis Trustinyourself.

 

SHe didn't ditch the kids, just walked away from me. Got an apartment. Said she didnt' know if its forever but couldnt stay here anymore. She didn't support my decision to get the big V. She basically told me to get one. Kids with me this week her next week (that will be tough). She sent me some really mixed messages - I was crawling under a cupboard the other night and she slapped my a$$ playfully for no reason. She also told me she didn't want me selling the house - although that could be selfish on her part as it is a block from the kids school.

 

As for me? what do I want? Im tired of being a slave, But then Im still numb, and until she walked out the door, I worshipped her. Its been a week now and I have a real difficult time getting out of bed in the morning. And next week will be the tough one.

 

I do want her back (I think). I am going to have real trust issues though.

And if she has a boyfriend, I am not delusional to think that counseling will be a waste of time... and she will be just going through the motions.

 

I would love to just call her and chat... but know better.

So how do I or can I pull this one out of the fire.

 

what do you mean I have to get PM privaleges on the site?

Simon, what you have you can post here if you want. I will take what I can get.

 

You want to put out the fire? Recognize how you contribute to the fire? How do you add to the sore feelings? Do you withdraw? Do you shake your head yes, when you mean no? What triggers the pain and suffering on your part. You should identify your trigger points. What causes you to lose control of your emotions?

[the2gman]

LEON. If you do not support NC then what do you support ? I don't know either way.

[Simon Leon]

Every situation is different.

 

In my situation, we were still on good speaking terms. I did not want to close down those existing lines of communication.

 

I set some rules for myself to follow whenever I had any interaction..be it e-mail, phone or in person.

 

Initially, my ex was very cold to anything I had to say about our situation. In following my rules, she has nothing to fear from communicating with me.

I can slowly start to build on these existing open lines of communication.

 

Mine you...I have already come to terms with the fact that she has moved out...and I am well on the way to healing.

 

Now we are getting on great. Our situation hasn't changed...but we have both changed. She is no longer cold towards me in any way. We can't go back to the way things were...but I sure as hell don't want to either.

I am looking forward to a new and improved relationship with my ex...and it is going to be a slow process, and it's going to be based on the friendship that we are cultivating.

 

I personally don't understand why we can't be friends with our ex's. My ex is my best friend and always will be one of my closest allys in life. Even if we move on seperately.

 

 

 

 

 

Every situation is different.

[the2gman]

 

I set some rules for myself to follow whenever I had any interaction..be it e-mail, phone or in person.

 

Initially, my ex was very cold to anything I had to say about our situation. In following my rules, she has nothing to fear from communicating with me.

 

So help me out here.....what are these rules you set for yourself?

[Simon Leon]

As follows:

 

1: Absolutely no talk of the relationship, seperation or divorce.

2: No ILY's

3: Be positive about everything.

4: Be confident.

5: Be agreeable.

6: Don't try to talk her out of it.

7: Get on her side. Be a cheerleader for her point of view.

8: Support her in her decision.

 

Try to be one of her girlfriends....not her husband.

 

I'll tell you. She has totally turned around and is not ignoring me any longer. She is totally asking me out now.

 

She no longer feels any pressure that I am working against her decision for a seperation.

 

This is a far better position to be in then an adversery.

[Gunny376]

As follows:

 

1: Absolutely no talk of the relationship, seperation or divorce.

2: No ILY's

3: Be positive about everything.

4: Be confident.

5: Be agreeable.

6: Don't try to talk her out of it.

7: Get on her side. Be a cheerleader for her point of view.

8: Support her in her decision.

 

Try to be one of her girlfriends....not her husband.

 

I'll tell you. She has totally turned around and is not ignoring me any longer. She is totally asking me out now.

 

She no longer feels any pressure that I am working against her decision for a seperation.

 

This is a far better position to be in then an adversery.

 

 

Mental/emotioal "Judo? Using your opponent's strength against themselves. It can and does worK, BUT requires immense self-control and self-discipline! Almost always requires formal training. Takes years of such to prefect.

 

Most Westerners lack the dedication toward Bujutsu ~ "The Way of The Warrior" which can roughly be translated as living Life in and through "perfection" or at least the pursuit of such.

 

It need not necessarly be the formal martial arts, (although a good start) but could be through painting, poetry, calligraphy, drawing ~ seeking perfection for its own sake. Much as a true scholar sseks science and knowledge for the sake of knowledge and science.

 

Sorry if I've lost you here? Having lived in Japan for four years, I've gotten very much caught up into their way of thinking!

 

 

How this applies to you ~ is learing how to become mentally and emotioally strong. HOW to survive, adapt, and overcome!

[Simon Leon]

I it tough to act this way....but the thing is, it can't be an act. You have to start to be this way.

 

I was having breakfast with me ex yesterday and the conversation was going well. Then she told me that she is moving out of our friends spare bedroom and that she had rented an apartment.

Ordinarally, this should have been viewed as a step backwards in the reconciliation as she is getting more independant, but I put on a brave face and started asking her questions about how I can help her get settled in and what she will need.

 

Although she was giving me bad news as far as moving towards reconciliation, I still made sure that I stuck to my rules and there was no negitivity in the interaction I had with her yesterday. In fact after breakfast we had one of the best hugs I've had from her since the split.

 

Remember rule # 6. "Don't try to talk her out of it". If I had started telling her that getting her own apartment was a bad idea, she would have seen me as being negitive to what she wants.....and right now, that's what it's all about...."what she wants".

Rule # 7. "Get on her side. Be a cheerleader for her point of view". Once again, I am showing support for her decision to get an apartment.

 

"Mental/emotioal Judo" is exactly what it is. You need to get on their side. I was a little scepticle about this approach, but I started seeing results almost immediately....so I was quickly convinced that for me, this is the direction to take.

 

Once again, I seriously recommend the "Divorce Remedy" book" by Michelle Davis and "Stop your Divorce" by Homer McDonald.

[sparkey64]

Thanks guys! I will go look for those books.

[sparkey64]

Wife came by to pick up the kids and some work clothes. I asked her how things were and she said rough. She was tired (partying all weekend).

I confirmed she was going to counseling Tuesday. and told her I loved her a couple of times, and that I would love it if she would move back. She said she needed to come back next weekend to get a bunch more stuff... I said moving back would not be a failure, and that we should go for coffee sometime. She declined.

should I just cancel the counseling?

[TrustInYourself]

Wife came by to pick up the kids and some work clothes. I asked her how things were and she said rough. She was tired (partying all weekend).

I confirmed she was going to counseling Tuesday. and told her I loved her a couple of times, and that I would love it if she would move back. She said she needed to come back next weekend to get a bunch more stuff... I said moving back would not be a failure, and that we should go for coffee sometime. She declined.

should I just cancel the counseling?

 

No, she's going to counseling. Let her do her thing.

 

Why even attempt to convince her to come home? That's counter productive.

 

Just be positive and let her do her thing. Smile and get your act together. Want control of the situation? Control yourself. Peace.

[Simon Leon]

Stop telling her you love her, stop trying to get her to change her mind.

 

These are things she is going to have to realize on her own. You telling her this is just you asking for what you want. This is not about what at this stage.....its about what she wants. Be respectful and supportive of her....but start looking out for yourself.

 

You need to take a step back and let things play out a little bit and let her come to terms with her decision. I don't think it is productive for you to try to interfer at this point.

 

When my wife moved out...she didn't want to see me on a casual basis for about 6 weeks. She wouldn't return my calls or e-mails most of the time. Then it started getting better after that and is now starting to pick up. Now she is the one contacting me and asking me out.

 

Go back and look at the rules I posted the other day on this thread...and get yourself to a bookstore and start learning about marrage dynamics asap. I can send you a good e-book if you can somehow get your PM setup on this site.

 

I gurantee.....pestering her to come home and telling her "I love you" has the opposite outcome that you want...it will just push her away further.

 

It will be best if you learn this from us rather then make your own mistake on this.

[whichwayisup]

I asked her how things were and she said rough. She was tired (partying all weekend).

 

Boy, you can tell where her priorities are huh?

 

I agree with simon, stop telling her you love her. I know you DO love her, but right now it's pointless, and it's also making her turn the other way. If you detach and SHOW her that you're detached, that you're just going on with life without her, doing your thing, then maybe she'll open up and talk to you, possibly ask YOU to coffee. Give her space, and you use that time to just sort yourself out. Stop worrying about her and what she thinks or does.

[sparkey64]

OK, Thanks guys I will give her her space. What does that indicate for our counseling session tomorrow? It will obviously come up that I want to save the marriage, and we have issues.

 

If she left because I was unsupportive and not caring, If I back away, how does that help?

[TrustInYourself]

OK, Thanks guys I will give her her space. What does that indicate for our counseling session tomorrow? It will obviously come up that I want to save the marriage, and we have issues.

 

If she left because I was unsupportive and not caring, If I back away, how does that help?

 

It's a strange concept. Backing away is respecting what she wants. Giving her space is only going to reinforce the fact that you love her. You are respecting her wishes. That's why it helps. She doesn't want to work on it, so you are basically saying, ok, I respect you and your feelings. Let's take a break. Boom shaka bo laka.

[imagine]

I'm cautious to advise space.

 

Space is where affairs grow and thrive. Don't enable space. Especially at the beginning of an affair.

 

I agree hold up on ILY's. Talk is cheap. Show consistent small to moderate changes that demonstrate your care.

 

Show strength and resolve when you have none.

[sparkey64]

Had our counseling session yesterday. It was somewhat neutral. She is no longer interested in the marriage etc...

 

counselor said one of you is interested, one not. It won't work, so no more need for counseling... but then started talking about our issues. My wife is interested in Buddhism, me not so much. She feels that she has comprimised herself too much, and no longer can. I said I would read a book on Buddhism, and we would get together for a date and only discuss Buddhism as a topic. Wife agreed and agreed to come to another session next week.

 

I slept ok last night... potential light at the end of the tunnel. I picked up a book called Idiots Guide to Buddhism. Interesting read so far.

 

Then today - wife calls from work and needs $450 to pay a bill from 10 years ago (from our previous separation), or her power was being cut. I paid it and rationalized that it was for the kids. But now I feel like a chump. She also said previously she was going to walk away from all our assets and I would pay the debts. So I don't want to push things right now and potentially 1. screw myself out of any ability to keep or pay for our house and 2. close the door on reconciliation.

 

Any Buddhists out there? what is the zen approach to personal responsibility and to your kids? I feel like tearing a strip off her but decided at this point its better just to vent here! Hope I haven't offended anyone.