badbrit Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Let me ask you. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want your pride keeping you warm at night or your wife? Come on guys, stuff happens, maybe she is seeing someone else, and hey that is not nice, not at all and it is dishonest etc but I view things differently, if you were meeting her emotional needs, making her happy, doing your role correctly as her partner there would not be someone else. Believe it or not, if there is someone else, YOU invited him in to the situation as there was only a vacancy you created. Not a popular way of thinking but it is also the reality. God you guys have so much pain and anger and hurt prides that you cannot accept your simple role and how you failed in it. I am not saying it was ever deliberate of your deserve this but you are allowing your pride to put your walls up rather than just accept that and strive to do better. Decide what you want. What you really desire. Is it your wives back with you and in a happy, faithful, working marriage? If yes, put your hands up to yourself and try and understand where you stopped meeting her needs so that you can try to meet them in the future and eventually get back on track so this ends up serving as a bump in the road that made your marriage stronger, both your needs being met and being happy. Or walk away and stop talking about her and worrying about what she does, says and with whom. Look, if you are split and this is the start of her new life, she can do whatever she damn well likes, it is her life and nothing to do with you. Why should she think, "Oh I cannot get a takeaway because he will start getting a stress about where I got the money from" WTF!!!!! worrying about a membership and a few takeaways??? Damn man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparkey64 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 Badbrit, thanks for wading into my life!! your comments and point of view are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
badbrit Posted August 18, 2008 Share Posted August 18, 2008 Badbrit, thanks for wading into my life!! your comments and point of view are welcome. I sense I have offended you and apologise but do stand by the kick in the arse I just gave you Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparkey64 Posted August 18, 2008 Author Share Posted August 18, 2008 no offense taken, actually. You are probably right. If I do want her back it shouldn't matter what she does right now. Like the counselor said, the marriage is over right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 19, 2008 Share Posted August 19, 2008 BS! A man cheats on his wife? Its his fault! A woman cheats on her husband? Its still his fault! Sorry, I'm not going to beg someone to love me, let alone to let me love them! Sorry Princess ~ go your aZZ back to your Daddy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparkey64 Posted September 22, 2008 Author Share Posted September 22, 2008 Ok its a over month later wifes been out of the house almost 2 months now, and not much has changed. She had to have her anti-depressent medication racheted up once (anyone got any experience with this?). Other than that my 17 year old daughter is a mess, my 15 year old son is indifferent. We went to counseling twice then a third time with me only. And in my opinion the counsellor basically took her side and told me not to bother coming back. It was my freaking suggestion to go to counseling. So now the wife is getting counseling to be "strong and happy" in her new divorce. I am pretty messed up and still want to save the marriage but am losing hope big time. Most of our channels of communication have dried up. I read part of that book divorce busters and there is some good stuff in it. But im at a loss of where to start. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sparkey64 Posted September 29, 2008 Author Share Posted September 29, 2008 up for reference Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted September 29, 2008 Share Posted September 29, 2008 This is a far better position to be in then an adversery. How so? It hasn't "worked." You are still separated. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 My wife of 18 years moved out by surprise last week. It appears she planned it well in advance, actually telling our children 17 and 15 2 months ago. She told me I caused her 20 years of misery. And that I caused a miscarriage (she is 41) last Fall. We have had some good times and rough times - got back together after a year separation about 7 years ago. I didn't really want the pregnancy and I guess, didn't support her on it. I thought we are too old and should enjoy the good times and wait til our children have children. We went to Cuba this winter, and it was generally a pretty good time. And then on her request I had a vasectomy in May. Right around that time, she started going on facebook a lot in the evening, and hanging out with new friends. She started a new job and staying out late in the evening, saying it was work functions or friends etc. A couple of times, she said she pulled all nighters at work. (I dont believe it). When she walked out the door, I asked her to try counseling. She said yes but it wouldn't work. She says she doesn't have a boyfriend - not sure if I believe it. And told the kids that I asked her to try counseling. Next step counseling on tues. Any advice? I would love to save my marriage. Oh yes! She's Riding someone! Please don't tell me that you're planning on staying with her?! Anyway, during that separation 7 years ago, she was probably screwing some other man, or woman, well, these days you just never know! Protect your assests, and go for the house, the teens should be able to decide where they want to live, depending upon the state in which you live.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 30, 2008 Share Posted September 30, 2008 It depends...what do you want to happen out of all of this? If you're still hoping to 'win her back', and rebuild your marriage, then I'd suggest you start with a couple of books..."His Needs/Her Needs" and "Surviving an Affair" both by Dr Harley. Specifically, you need to start with what he calls "plan A". Plan A is a two part method of dealing with infidelity. The first part is all about making changes in yourself...improvements in yourself that you should be doing regardless of the situation. Finding ways to be a better husband for one. Seeking opportunities to put demonstrate your love in ways that make her feel loved. (Another good read along these lines is "The Five Love Langauges".). Whenever you see her, make sure you're dressed nice, smell good, clean shaven, etc... Don't get into any kind of fights or debates with her...deflect the conversation to something less stressful. The second part of plan A involves making her affair world less fun. The first step for you is getting hard proof of the A. And then exposing her affair to others who would influence her to end it. Her family/friends/etc... Also...if the marriage counselor isn't working with BOTH of you, they're a quack. Start calling around town, see if there are any counselors who use the "marriage builders" program...and transfer your counseling over to them. Make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
husbndinthemaking Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 Easy. Check out zaxxes.com for help. Saved my marriage bigtime. Link to post Share on other sites
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