Wife moved out a week ago

[TrustInYourself]

Is $450 a major concern in regards to your budget? If you are making huge payments or compromises I'd be concerned. However, $450 isn't going to break the bank. That's something you'll have to decide based on your finances.

 

You want her back? You need to develop your strategy. You need to read and prepare. You need to be ready to accept change, etc.

 

Do not fear the end. You have no control except over your own life. Accept the situation, grow from it, and then you'll have the power to change your wife's perspective on the marriage.

 

I could go on forever about what you need to do to prepare yourself.

[sparkey64]

$450 will not break the bank. But its just another kick in the head and confirmation of how irresponsible she can be. We have rung up debts for a couple of years and its all on the line of credit. The counselor will not even let me bring up my concerns right now. Just hers' which makes sense as she is the one wanting out. I just don't want to bleed to death.

 

I make more money than her, but she has been irresponsible with hers.

I pay the mortgage, consolidation loan, car payment, insurance, heat, power, water, cable... well all t he bills. And she still expects me wine and dine her. It couldn't and wouldn't sustain itself. I have about 200 bucks left after all this and she has her whole paycheck.

 

The end of the month will be the kicker. She will have to pay for her rent and all her bills. I think she is expecting me to pony up child support. Until I refinance my life, get her off the mortgage I can't afford that, so it has to come to a head here pretty quick.

 

anyway just venting, thanks for listening and good advice.

[TrustInYourself]

You can make waves and then deal with the storm, or you can roll with it and try and see if things change. However, she's blind at the moment. She doesn't value you or your marriage.

 

Without consequence, there can be no change.

 

Best wishes!

[sparkey64]

what do you mean by without consequence there will be no change? Are you saying that I should NOT help her out right now? Force her to accept the consequences? But then you say roll with the waves... which I am right now.

please clarify...

[imagine]

For what it's worth...

 

If I loved my wife - I would not sponsor the separation.

 

I would not be able to stop her leaving me, sure... but, number one: I would not become her doormat and number two: Sponsoring her shows rather thin resolve as far as demonstrating my conviction to stay in the marriage. I would be nice about it. Simply firmly tell her that you believe in your marriage, wife and family and that you are willing to fight it. Henceforth she can expect no more further payments.

 

Let her crash and burn. The children HAVE a home already.

 

As for the Buddhist thing: She is making you jump through hoops. I suspect that by your sucking up to follow her lead will further weaken her respect for you.

 

I am biased (with good reason), but I would seriously begin serious investigation of Christian teaching. This at least would show that you have a spiritual interest but are not going to just lap up what she tells you to believe. Please Guy, women marry men who are leaders!

 

Start reading His Needs/Her Needs at the marriage builder website. Apply these principles when she returns home.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm saying are you ready to lose her? Are you content knowing that you can live life alone and still be happy? Do you have nothing to lose?

[sparkey64]

If I was ready to lose her, I would have not asked to get into counseling.

 

The Buddhisn thing is not her requesting that I jump through hoops. Its something she has been interested in for a long time, and I am reading to learn more about it (so we have something to talk about). Its not a religion so much as a philosophy. Its not like I am being asked to beleive in the tooth fairy. One thing that I see that I like is the concept of middle ground. Meaning that you can find balance and extremism is frowned upon.

[TrustInYourself]

I think it's good you are trying, as long as it's for personal growth and you're sharing it with your wife.

 

Separation for you should be all about personal growth.

 

Right now you're at a point where you can make some real positive changes to your life. Go with it. Best of luck.

[Simon Leon]

Space will be good for both of you.

 

My woman left me 3mths ago ....and I an definitley not the same guy she abandoned back then. I can't believe how much I've grown in the last 90 days.

If she changes as much as I have....we will be 2 totally different people. That has to be good.

 

I suggest 2 goals for you...YOU.

 

1. Work out at least 5 times a week.

2. GAL ---Get A Life. Go out and do things you always wanted to do. You need to become a fun, exciting, attractive, confident guy again. You really need to do this.....there is no other way.

 

Work hard and you will reap rewards.

[Gunny376]

Space will be good for both of you.

 

My woman left me 3mths ago ....and I an definitley not the same guy she abandoned back then. I can't believe how much I've grown in the last 90 days.

If she changes as much as I have....we will be 2 totally different people. That has to be good.

 

I suggest 2 goals for you...YOU.

 

1. Work out at least 5 times a week.

2. GAL ---Get A Life. Go out and do things you always wanted to do. You need to become a fun, exciting, attractive, confident guy again. You really need to do this.....there is no other way.

 

 

Tell IT all Brother~ don't hold back! Tell it all!

 

This is what I've been preaching for over two years here at LS!

 

FORGET HER/HIM!

 

Simply put! "Get busy living or get busy dying!"

 

I've studied divorce, reconcillation etc for EIGHTEEN years, and the ONLY thing I've ever found THAT works?

 

 

Is ~ FORET YOU ~ I'M DONE WITH YOU!

[TrustInYourself]

Live life for yourself. Believe in yourself. Rebuild confidence in yourself.

 

When you have those elements in your life again, you will not fear being alone or divorced. You'll regain control of your own emotional well-being. That fear of losing your loved one will dissipate.

 

Then you will be truly free and your wayward spouse or loved one will realize what they are giving up. Put a value on yourself, rather than your wayward loved one. Let them know you value yourself over their selfish behaviors.

 

It's hard and painful to get to that position. It takes a great deal of acceptance of self-love to achieve that mindset. It's something you'll have to do on your own. If I told you, you'd just resist. So find happiness for yourself.

[Owl]

Have you tried figuring out who she's seeing, and how long she's been seeing this guy?

 

You have CLASSIC signs of this.

 

Women RARELY, VERY RARELY walk out like this unless they're already involved with someone else to begin with. I'd bet money she's been in an affair of some type (emotional and/or physical) for at least a month prior to her moving out.

 

Find out if this is the case...because if it is, you can start specifically working a gameplan to deal with the whole situation.

[TrustInYourself]

Not necessarily. My wife moved out because of the thought of being with another man. She felt like she could find someone else that loved her the way she deserved to be love. She felt physically attracted to other men. This validated her thoughts the she no longer loved me.

 

But as Owl said, most of the time, it's actually another man.

[TrustInYourself]

If I was ready to lose her, I would have not asked to get into counseling.

 

The Buddhisn thing is not her requesting that I jump through hoops. Its something she has been interested in for a long time, and I am reading to learn more about it (so we have something to talk about). Its not a religion so much as a philosophy. Its not like I am being asked to beleive in the tooth fairy. One thing that I see that I like is the concept of middle ground. Meaning that you can find balance and extremism is frowned upon.

 

Read about Buddhim for yourself. Not for your wife. She could care less.

[sparkey64]

Well... I picked up the kids last night, and my 18 year old daughter mentioned to her twice this week that we have a date wednesday evening. I have read half my book (A complete Idiots Guide to Understanding Buddhism) My role is to just listen to her talk about her Buddhist philosophy and learn more about it. I think the "listening" part is the exercise the counselor is pushing. We then have a counseling session thursday at lunch. wish me luck!

[sparkey64]

Correction, my wife mentioned twice to my 18 year old daughter that my wife and I have a date wednesday evening.

[badbrit]

i am finding this among the most interesting threads on the whole of LS at the moment and the stuff from Simon and TIY are particuarly interesting. I have never posted my story here as I do not like the negativity that often bounds around this place. I dislike the blanket "move on....screw her....never gonna work....she is done so give up...she is a bitch" that is often projected.

 

I am doing my own thing quietly which is similar to what is being spoken about but I have a slightly harder situation without as many positives as you guys. I have read all the books - Homer, Ms Tigress, Marius Panzerella etc and know all that stuff but nowdays subscribe more to the stuff you guys are talking about. Slow appliance of love, respect, meeting emotional needs, asking nothing, dealing with yourself first, living rather than acting new and have got heavily into Law of Attraction. The Secret being the most well known teaching of this, even if it is a little "Hollywood."

 

Just want to say to the original poster, I feel for you but I feel that these guys are on the right path, I am tempted to post my situation which I have never been before to see the input of a few others.

 

Interesting thread and I feel based in good sense. Not sure if you guys ever read Love Tactics, that is a pretty amazing read also.

[sparkey64]

When I picked up the kids last night, my son showed me his new membership card to the YMCA (wife bought it). I asked my wife somewhat sarcastically if I was on the "family membership". She said I have my own fitness club membership through work. Which was the response I expected.

 

So she calls me at work this morning and leaves a message that I can get my name on the membership if I want because I will be taking the kids half the time, if I pay for my son's Kung Fu lessons. I am so messed up about this on so many levels and I don't know why. If we get back together I would be delighted to join in on the family membership. If not, Im going to have to sell my car just to make ends meet. And probably won't be able to find time to go to the Y anyway. I am actually wondering how THEY would find time to go, but I have been the one in the marriage to get the kids to sports (I coached 2 hockey teams one winter) and do all the cooking etc...

 

On the flipside, they went to the movies two or three times this week and ordered takeout once or twice and now bought this fitness membership. Ka chung! Im not cheap (well maybe I am), but it seems she is going through cash like fire through gasoline. This is/was a major stressor for me. I pretty much paid the mortgage, car payment, gas, consolidation loan, all bills while we were together leaving me with very little disposable income.

 

Im not saying or doing anything til we get through some counseling. Am I nuts? I really don't want to inflame the situation until we decide what the end result will be.

[TrustInYourself]

Well... I picked up the kids last night, and my 18 year old daughter mentioned to her twice this week that we have a date wednesday evening. I have read half my book (A complete Idiots Guide to Understanding Buddhism) My role is to just listen to her talk about her Buddhist philosophy and learn more about it. I think the "listening" part is the exercise the counselor is pushing. We then have a counseling session thursday at lunch. wish me luck!

 

I wrote a long post discussing the differences in the way men and women listen and communicate. I deleted it because it was semi-stereotypical advice that just sucks. Here...

 

Listening is an artform. The methods and approach vary depending on who you are listening to.

 

For example, I personally appreciate complete honesty, humor, direction, advice, and ridicule when someone is listening to my issues. I want comments against. I want someone to show me why I am wrong to feel a certain way. That validates the listening experience for me.

 

I know if I practiced the above on my wife, she would really withdraw and get angry. I have to listen carefully, inquire, support and validate the way she feels. That's a major difference in the way I like to be listened to.

 

I hope things work out for you on your little "date". Be cool and enjoy.

[TrustInYourself]

When I picked up the kids last night, my son showed me his new membership card to the YMCA (wife bought it). I asked my wife somewhat sarcastically if I was on the "family membership". She said I have my own fitness club membership through work. Which was the response I expected.

 

So she calls me at work this morning and leaves a message that I can get my name on the membership if I want because I will be taking the kids half the time, if I pay for my son's Kung Fu lessons. I am so messed up about this on so many levels and I don't know why. If we get back together I would be delighted to join in on the family membership. If not, Im going to have to sell my car just to make ends meet. And probably won't be able to find time to go to the Y anyway. I am actually wondering how THEY would find time to go, but I have been the one in the marriage to get the kids to sports (I coached 2 hockey teams one winter) and do all the cooking etc...

 

On the flipside, they went to the movies two or three times this week and ordered takeout once or twice and now bought this fitness membership. Ka chung! Im not cheap (well maybe I am), but it seems she is going through cash like fire through gasoline. This is/was a major stressor for me. I pretty much paid the mortgage, car payment, gas, consolidation loan, all bills while we were together leaving me with very little disposable income.

 

Im not saying or doing anything til we get through some counseling. Am I nuts? I really don't want to inflame the situation until we decide what the end result will be.

 

Oh man, you don't even want to get me started. I feel used like a dirty whore when it comes to money. She left with a ton of money she accumulated not paying rent, and now she doesn't want to pay rent when she comes back.

 

My advice, which I'm trying to practice, is give it time. Be understanding. Give it some time and get your emotions and stress under control. Perhaps your perspective will change and you will have a clearer understanding of how you really feel.

[sparkey64]

TIY - "For example, I personally appreciate complete honesty, humor, direction, advice, and ridicule when someone is listening to my issues. I want comments against. I want someone to show me why I am wrong to feel a certain way. That validates the listening experience for me."

 

I agree 100%. I call that engaging conversation. And I would be the first to say that my wife feels the complete opposite is optimal. If I bring humor into the conversation when she is speaking, I am not taking things seriously. She also accuses me of "cutting her off" and trying to be the center of the conversation. I don't see it. But then that was the way I was raised. If you listen to a conversation with MY family - siblings and mother, it is totally different than the monologues at her parent's house. That is her father speaking uninterrupted for hours about his life experiences with everyone else sitting attentively. Drives me nuts.

[Owl]

I want to repost my question to you...

 

Why do you think the sudden change in her behavior?

 

This sounds like classic signs that she's seeing someone else.

 

Women almost never "up and leave" like she did after a 17 year marriage if there's not someone already 'waiting in the weeds'.

 

Have you tried to find out if that's what's been going on?

[TrustInYourself]

TIY - "For example, I personally appreciate complete honesty, humor, direction, advice, and ridicule when someone is listening to my issues. I want comments against. I want someone to show me why I am wrong to feel a certain way. That validates the listening experience for me."

 

I agree 100%. I call that engaging conversation. And I would be the first to say that my wife feels the complete opposite is optimal. If I bring humor into the conversation when she is speaking, I am not taking things seriously. She also accuses me of "cutting her off" and trying to be the center of the conversation. I don't see it. But then that was the way I was raised. If you listen to a conversation with MY family - siblings and mother, it is totally different than the monologues at her parent's house. That is her father speaking uninterrupted for hours about his life experiences with everyone else sitting attentively. Drives me nuts.

 

Exactly. Same occurance with me.

 

I grew up in a household where yelling and confrontation was expected. My mother plows when she talks. She doesn't listen, she just tells you how she feels or how it is. Even if it is total horse crap. I developed an affinity for weeding out what was important and interjecting through confrontation. I am the evolution of my experiences.

 

My wife grew up in a situation similar to your wife. Quiet setting where her father was the only man of the house and he spoke with authority and there was calm pervading every corner of her home.

 

There are a number of reasons why people communicate differently. Being a good listener is identifying those expectations and doing our best to accomodate them. That's why it's an artform. That lesson applies to all forms of communication.

[sparkey64]

Hi Owl. I hear you loud and clear. And I agree there is huge and likely potential there is someone else in her life. (I am in denial but not stupid) At this point, I have asked her point blank. She said no. And I don't believe her. But the fact that she has brought up the counseling with the kids suggests that she may not be into something too deep at this point.

- She could have easily walked out of the first counseling session with a "this isn't going to work" victory. But something made her change her mind at the last minute, and get her to agree to this "date".

- She may be just trying to not be the bad guy in all this, or she wants the best of both worlds. Which I assure you she cannot and will not have.

 

I am going down the path of hopeful reconciliation at this point. That could change at any minute. I agree with TIY - and hit the weights this morning for the first time in a month.

[TrustInYourself]

You have more to gain by blazing your own trail and doing your own thing, while remaining hopeful.

 

Whether you are on your own or getting back with her. Best of luck, bud.

 

P.S.- Looking damn good and dressing damn well, doesn't hurt. Haha.