How can we spice up our marriage?

[June8]

I don't think my wife realizes how depressed I am getting about how less and less frequent our sex life is becoming (10-12 times per year), but I am now at a point where I am questioning the future of our relationship. It was amazing when it started but we both went complete different directions after the first year. We are now married for 11 years and I think that the only reason she ever instigates it is so that I don't look for it elsewhere.

 

I still love her, but I just don't think that I want to live the rest of my life this way anymore. I would really appreciate any suggestions you can give me.

[porter218]

I don't think my wife realizes how depressed I am getting about how less and less frequent our sex life is becoming (10-12 times per year), but I am now at a point where I am questioning the future of our relationship. It was amazing when it started but we both went complete different directions after the first year. We are now married for 11 years and I think that the only reason she ever instigates it is so that I don't look for it elsewhere.

 

I still love her, but I just don't think that I want to live the rest of my life this way anymore. I would really appreciate any suggestions you can give me.

Are you saying that you wait for her to instigate it?? clarify?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My H and I lost that passion too when we were married and before we separated. I can see now that what the problem was, was familiarity. You ever heard that saying that 'familiarity breeds contempt'? Well, it is true - and a lot of times true in sexual relationships. You have to remove that 'familiarity' and the contempt will follow it out the door. Whatever you are doing now obviously isn't working. Propping up what you are doing with the usual 'spicy' stuff like toys/porn won't work either. Its like putting on a clean shirt when you haven't showered in a week. You may have a clean shirt, but you still need to bathe - see where I'm going with this?

 

You need to change. Even if you have to read "Who Moved My Cheese" a hundred times, you will need to embrace some real changes to bust that 'familiarity' wide open. Start with yourself, and work toward the sex gradually. Inertia in your life leads to inertia in the bedroom.

 

If you are sedentary or soft in the middle, change your diet and work out. If you are in shape and do workout, try a new thing: running instead of weight lifting. Biking instead of running. Try new foods that you and she can experience, cook, etc. Get a new appliance and try out some H and W cooking adventures in the kitchen.

 

If you have a hairstyle that hasn't changed since the middle nineties, get a new one.

 

Take up a new hobby - something you and she can do together. If you have water nearby, take some kayaking classes. Go hiking. Anything that you and she can do together and enjoy.

 

If you like music, buy and ipod and sit her down for an evening of loading music onto it. You'd be surprised how music affects mood, and something as simple as going through your favorite songs, reliving memories associated with them, etc. can give you another connecting point with her.

 

Take her to the movies at an unexpected time: a matinee on Saturday, followed by something goofy like ice cream. A simple date that will remind her of 'first dates'.

 

Paint and redecorate a room(s) in your house. Rebuild it together.

 

If you don't do a lot of housework, vacuum a room or two and surprise her. Put a vase of fresh cut flowers in the kitchen. (Not the dozen roses thing - that is too transparent).

 

Stuff like that. Things that break up your routine, and will get you seeing each other in new lights. Desire doesn't come from sending flowers and buying massage oils. Desire comes from unearthing the 'new' in someone that you thought you wouldn't see 'new' in again. The sex will follow. Don't worry about 'going girly' - these things aren't 'girly' - they are designed to show your W that you desire to make her happy. Not just desire to get her into bed.

 

Now, that said - the LAST thing you want to do is make sex an issue. She will think that your primary concern is getting sex. If you make changes in yourself and in your routine, that will show that you are interested in her, and doing things to fall in love with her again. That will spark her desire more than overt discussions about 'why aren't we having sex'.

 

Besides, you may find some 'new' in yourself that you weren't expecting and find happiness in breaking your own inertia.

 

As an aside - there really needs to be a Who Moved My Cheese book for relationships!

[londonguy28]

I must say LucreziaBorgia, that is some good advice. Im currently in a similar situation and reading your post has helped me look at myself in a slightly different way (as opposed to looking at myself wondering if its me thats caused the situation).

 

Your words stuck me whilst reading them, I truely felt i needed to make some changes (for myself, my benefit and my happiness, not just to improve how my wife may percieve me). I am sure that if my wife saw me moving in a new direction she would hopefully feel more motivated to do the same and with it a newly found intimacy and desire (to find out every little detail about each other as it was in the beginning) would develop.

 

I have now been married for 4 years and this situation has been getting ever worse for around 20 months now, culminating in maybe just one love making session in the last 8 months. However now i realise, rather than dwelling on the cause and effect (and wondering whether its me or her) I could ultimately do with being happier within myself and in turn revitalising our relationship from that whole "familiarity / contempt" trap we appear to have fallen in.

 

So thanks again LucreziaBorgia, and June8, I hope you get what you desire.