The Will To Change And A New Beginning (My Life, Etc)

[ThePotentialToChange]

Hi, I'm 21 years old and eager to learn as much as possible. The problem is that I've never been a hard worker. Learning came easily (maybe a little too easily). Teachers would say that I had the brains, but not the ... "something" (~determination or something to that effect... I don't remember, though I know that I would constantly get compared to those that finished their homework and studied hard, yet still weren't able to answer the question even though it was a little different from the assigned homework). I remember one teacher in particular, she would constantly tell me that I was one of her smartest students, but at the same time, one of the most unmotivated ones (also, she'd notice that I had a knack for understanding things easily (such as math. Math and Creative Arts were my thing) even though I rarely completed homework and didn't pay attention in class... Instead, I usually disrupted classmates and (as punishment) would be forced to go to a corner and stand there while facing the wall or (another recollection) I'd have my desk moved up to the front of the class, facing everyone (that, I really enjoyed!). Sadly, I was hardily ever interested in school (recess was the best part) and uninterested in learning whatever it was that the teachers were teaching. One teacher even suspected a learning disability, so she had someone come in to test me. Afterwards, they wanted me to sign up for the gifted program. Well, that meant more homework. No way.

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional family setting. My father had mental problems (possibly a form of Schizophrenia) and was very abusive towards me. He owned his own company and would force me to go with him during the summer break. There, he'd make me work without pay. If I did something wrong, he'd call me over and beat me. I remember him getting extremely angry at times, and swearing, and sometimes he'd hit me hard on top of the head.

 

At 17, I met the wrong types of people and became interested in the wrong types of activities. Bad decisions were made. I started using drugs, drinking, and smoking cigarettes on a daily basis. At that time, it felt cool. However, shortly thereafter I had to dropout because I started to experience my own mental problems. I became extremely paranoid and started to make up all kinds of conspiracies (etc). At first, I'd make stuff up or consider different possibilities, but for some reason I started to believe in it. I was becoming crazy like my father and I knew it.

 

The new friends weren't really true friends. And the true friends that I had, moved on, because they knew what I had gotten myself into and they wanted no part of it. Plus, I had sorta forgotten about them. I still haven't gotten over my stupidity of that time.

 

Eventually, I became somewhat of a recluse. I was having problems and using drugs to treat those problems. I'd steal alcohol (because I couldn't work anymore) and collect cigarette butts from a local restaurant. It got to the point where I'd go through my mom's medicine cabinet and down bottles of cough syrup (etc).

 

To most of you that seems like the lowest of the low, but I still didn't hit rock-bottom.

 

My rock-bottom came a few months ago. In short, I ingested a shamanic plant which grows all over the place; Datura. I had tested its potency, but it didn't seem to produce any noticeable effects, so I doubled the dosage. Big mistake!

 

I woke up the next morning strapped into a hospital bed.

 

...

 

Update: I've given up all my nasty addictions (except for: caffeine, nicotine, and sleep deprivation). Furthermore, I'm planning (very determined) on starting (and maintaining) a rigorous physical and mental exercise regimen which begins on August 11th/08 (this coming Monday). I'll start by undergoing a 10 day cleanse/fast (themastercleanse.com) program to rid myself of all the built-up toxins and I have faith that it'll prepare my mind/body for the new and improved lifestyle.

 

Basically, I'm trying to make the transition from a total loser to a brilliant young man. Perhaps, step-by-step ...?

 

Please note that I'm very serious about all this and I plan to be an active member of these forums. Feel free to leave comments, similar life experiences, criticism, helpful sources, etc. Thank you!

 

Regards,

 

James

[Suiyobi]

Once you've made the decision to become a better man then you've already won half the battle. Unfortunately, I don't have similar experiences so I can't say much as to how to go about improving, but I think the things you've mentioned in your "Update" are really good ideas. Definitely go for it, and I know you said you never had to work hard for many things in life, but this time it'll be the first. In fact, once you've overcome your issues then you'll be that much more satisfied because of the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into it.

[myeverything]

Oh gosh. At 21 you have described my life nearly to the word. Despite having strong "ability" at school, I didn't try at all and scraped by, then I went off to University where I did the same and ended up failing. My father 'forced' me into a life where I was studying something I didn't want to, and working for him when I wasn't. He was a heavy alcohol user and I got abuse hurled at me every night. At that age I was dabbling heavily in drugs and alcohol a lot.

 

I managed to get out of drugs/alcohol after I was dumped by the girl I considered to be the love of my life. This is when I withdrew into the escape of the internet, internet games. There I met friends and saw results based on effort, climbed up the ladder and saw myself become one of "the best". But of course this means nothing in real life so I was left feeling hollow every time I went outside, went to work, wherever - completely unable to converse because I simply had nothing to talk about.

 

I met a wonderful girl on this internet during this time and invested all my faith and trust in her. 1000 promises mean nothing, and after 10 months, 3 months before we were to meet up and begin a life together, she exited stage left from my life without word or warning.

 

Don't make the same mistake as me as transferring your addictions to something "less harmful", because any addiction in itself is self destructive. At this point you need to really rebuild your life and find where your go forward is. Whatever you do make sure it's something you want out of life.

[Lovelybird]

Hi, there is new way to change yourself

 

1) Accept Jesus into your heart because He loves you and want to guide you

 

2) Be baptised by Holy Spirit, when you heartly accept Lord and ask Him to send you Holy Spirit, you will get

 

3) obey what Holy Spirit tell you to do. and you will see changes in you very soon. God is the only one knows where you should improve, how to improve.

 

4) wait and see miracles happen

 

Change starts from inside, so read Bible words of God can change people as well. God has certain requirements for us, if you can achieve these, and renew your mind each day, soon you can change for betterness

[TooLittleTooLate]

Oh gosh. At 21 you have described my life nearly to the word. Despite having strong "ability" at school, I didn't try at all and scraped by, then I went off to University where I did the same and ended up failing. My father 'forced' me into a life where I was studying something I didn't want to, and working for him when I wasn't. He was a heavy alcohol user and I got abuse hurled at me every night. At that age I was dabbling heavily in drugs and alcohol a lot.

 

I managed to get out of drugs/alcohol after I was dumped by the girl I considered to be the love of my life. This is when I withdrew into the escape of the internet, internet games. There I met friends and saw results based on effort, climbed up the ladder and saw myself become one of "the best". But of course this means nothing in real life so I was left feeling hollow every time I went outside, went to work, wherever - completely unable to converse because I simply had nothing to talk about.

 

I met a wonderful girl on this internet during this time and invested all my faith and trust in her. 1000 promises mean nothing, and after 10 months, 3 months before we were to meet up and begin a life together, she exited stage left from my life without word or warning.

 

Don't make the same mistake as me as transferring your addictions to something "less harmful", because any addiction in itself is self destructive. At this point you need to really rebuild your life and find where your go forward is. Whatever you do make sure it's something you want out of life.

 

I can so relate man. I had Internet Addiction for 9 years and at 25 am currently working to kick the habit. Playing those games to be the "best" gives you feeling of meaningfulness. It's not fun, its business, and thus you derive your self esteem from it. You're "something", even if its just in a fantasy world, but in the real world you're nothing.You feel lonely, empty, nothing to live for...intill the next escape into fantasy.

 

My dad made me go to uni for a program I didn't even really like and ended up failing miserably, partly due to the Internet Addiction. I had horrible social ability and usually ended up pissing off half the people I talked to.