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just my luck- meet a keeper and he lives in another country

D-Lish

By D-Lish
in Long-Distance Relationships

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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I am so frustrated! My gf and I were out to dinner a couple weeks ago and at the end of our meal, the waitress came over and said our meal was paid for. There were two guys that paid for our meal- and we said thank you and chatted with them for a while. I really, really hit it off with the one guy.

 

I've been dating douchbags for the past few years- simply to avoid putting myself in a position to get hurt. I'd decided to swear off guys- and then this stable, smart, sweet guy actually catches my attention and actually gave me real butterflies.

 

The problem- he lives 10 hours away. He is from this area but has moved to the States for work. He was only here on vacation visiting friends.

We had lunch together and a dinner together before he left- but nothing physical or anything. In those two days I just really liked him.

 

We remain in contact, and the more I talk to him, the more I find myself wishing we'd had more time in person together. He is 35 years old, has a stable career and a master's degree- he's very articulate and always says the sweetest things to me. We talk on the phone every couple days, and he asked for my address today- and I am pretty sure he wants to send flowers. No one has been this attentive and sweet to me in such a long time. And no- I don't think it's moving too fast or that he is a player. He's actually a little on the shy side.

 

He wants to fly back next weekend and hang out (his parents live here)... but I am unsure if I want to invest in an emotional relationship with someone that lives so far away.

 

This is the first "nice" guy I have run into since I divorced my husband 6 years ago. He's respectful and genuine- he's my age... and we're completely compatible. It's just my luck that he lives in another country.

 

I am not sure if I should continue and pursue what would be a LDR.

I was married to my ex husband and he was away for his jobs for weeks at a time... it just sucked to live that sort of life.

 

It's been so long since I have met someone that I feel so good about being around and talking to. He makes me feel great. He texts me everyday to say he thinks I am beautiful and smart and I can tell he is smitten with me.

 

Is it worth it to explore this? I was so lonley in the relationship with my ex husband because he was never around. I swore up and down I would never get involved in a LDR again. On the other hand- after dating "boys" and jerks and semi-retarded hot guys that I didn't care about- I almost think I'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity to at least get to know him better.

 

My friend was in shock that I actually let my guard down with this guy and she absolutely loved him.

 

I don't know what to do- he wants to book a flight for next weekend and take me on a trip down to toronto to go sightseeing.

 

Can something like this work? Or is it futile to put myself in a positon where I'd be in another situation like I was with my ex- in a relationship, but still lonley.

 

He's a good catch- a great catch actually. Just so interesting and respectful. He just sent me a text saying "good-night beautiful, I am thinking of you". He's starting to warm my heart.

 

10 hours distance though... I don't know if I can put myself through that situation again.

Untouchable_Fire Established Member

Untouchable_Fire

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Six years of crap is typically enough to make you value the good ones.

 

Basically, if your going to be seperated forever then it's way not worth it. If your willing to do some moving/life shifting, then give it a shot.

 

I tell my guy friends not to jump at the first decent thing that comes there way. I don't think you should compromise or bend over backwards yourself. However, its rare for women to get inundated with decent guys. Most of us are crap. So, it's your call.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Whats the best that can happen?

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Six years of crap is typically enough to make you value the good ones.

 

Basically, if your going to be seperated forever then it's way not worth it. If your willing to do some moving/life shifting, then give it a shot.

 

I tell my guy friends not to jump at the first decent thing that comes there way. I don't think you should compromise or bend over backwards yourself. However, its rare for women to get inundated with decent guys. Most of us are crap. So, it's your call.

 

What's the worst that can happen? Whats the best that can happen?

 

I guess the worse thing that can happen is that I get my heart broken- or I break his. The best case scenario is that we hit it off. I know he plans on returning home in the next 5 years... but 5 years is a long time.

 

But you're right- it's rare to find a good one. And a nice, genuine one to boot. I didn't even expect it.

 

I just don't know about the rush to have him come visit next weekend... he really wants to and I am sort of thinking I want to mull it over for a bit.

 

Just the thought of another LDR is not something I am excited about- but I am kind of excited about "him". I dated someone from Edmonton for months last year- and that was so taxing.

 

I will have to think about this a bit more before making any decisions about what to do.:o

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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Whatever happened to taking some time to regroup ? :laugh:

 

I stand by my previous advice that you need some time to process all that has happened in your life recently..

 

It's nice you met a nice guy though.. it's interesting that you are already sizing him up for a relationship..

Why ?

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

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Only you can answer if this situation would make you happy, D. This is what I went through with Baller. I KNEW I did not want a LDR, so I broke it off.

 

If you don't think you can handle a very long-distance relationship, then cut it off now.

 

AND, you can always send him my way since he's closer, because I would do that for you. :D

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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If you don't think you can handle a very long-distance relationship, then cut it off now.

 

I agree with that.. a LDR is a tough thing to make work.. if it starts out LDR then there isn't a decent base already built..

 

IMO the successful LDR's are the ones that have time/date set that the LDR ends and/or LDR's that started out as normal relationships that are already on their way..

almost famous Established Member

almost famous

Posted
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I personally don't see a problem with this! This is great. Look, he is already willing to put in the effort to see you, to fly back already.

If you two develop strong feelings for each other, then love will take over and things will fall into place.

I don't see how being 10 hours away is that big of a deal if two people are in love. When the time comes, it's not like one of you can't move!

Ariadne Established Member

Ariadne

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D- Lish,

 

That guy sounds a little too good to be true.

 

Too much of a smooth operator, but hopefully not.

 

Good luck though. See what happens.

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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D- Lish,

 

That guy sounds a little too good to be true.

 

Too much of a smooth operator, but hopefully not.

 

Good luck though. See what happens.

 

 

Nah- there isn't an ounce of "playah" in this one.

If anything he's a little shy and clumsy- complete opposite of everything I have been dating for the past few years. He's quietly witty, and a complete gentleman. Didn't even try and kiss me. I'm probably more of a playah....

 

And Art- yes- I had decided to take a break... and this just found me.

I wasn't looking for it. Still don't know if I will pursue it. Given my change of life lately, I don't know what to do.

 

I am of two minds. I am only beginning to have things look up for me.... so it may not be the best time. Conversely- do you chuck away something that might be worth exploring. I mean- in terms of good, nice guys- how often do they come about?

 

LDR- yeah- not sure that's something I want to pursue.

But- as I am getting my stuff together.... maybe it's not a bad idea that I keep in touch and see where it goes.

 

Haha Jilly- He's From Pennsylvania (sp?) My parents are living in washington DC right now- and he's an hour from where they live.

You close to there? I am going to visit them next month- I could probably meet up with him then for dinner or something.... you can come too!

Art_Critic Established Member

Art_Critic

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And Art- yes- I had decided to take a break... and this just found me.

I wasn't looking for it. Still don't know if I will pursue it. Given my change of life lately, I don't know what to do.

 

I am of two minds. I am only beginning to have things look up for me.... so it may not be the best time. Conversely- do you chuck away something that might be worth exploring. I mean- in terms of good, nice guys- how often do they come about?

 

I wouldn't have chucked it away either.. after I posted I realized my tone was a bit parent-like :).. sorry...

 

If you do wind up keeping up with this guy then take it realllllllllllllll slowwwwwwwwww

Jilly Bean Established Member

Jilly Bean

Posted
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Haha Jilly- He's From Pennsylvania (sp?) My parents are living in washington DC right now- and he's an hour from where they live.

You close to there? I am going to visit them next month- I could probably meet up with him then for dinner or something.... you can come too!

 

Well, while I love a good three-way, you know it's of the MMF variety, so I'll graciously decline... ;)

 

I live out west, so no go on meeting Mr. Wonderful.

 

Art is right, though. I think LDR's are hard enough when you have history established, but without it, it's near impossible.

 

Because I travel so much, I meet guys EVERYWHERE. I have a new paramour I went out with two weeks ago a trip. We are 3k miles apart. He calls, texts, emails, but I know it's only going to be a thing where we connect when we can, and neither is making too grand of moves for that, as we are realistic about the distance and commitments to our lives.

 

My friends joke that I have a quality relationship in every port. :)

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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lol- I would very much like to have a matt damon/ben affleck sandwich myself. That's always been my little fantasy. Maybe Ryan Reynolds/Orlando Bloom.:laugh:

 

You didn't sound like a parent Art- you are just playing concerned- and I always take your advice seriously. :)

 

We'll see. This guys parents live here- so he'll be around.

I guess i still don't know what I want out of a relationship... but when someone comes around that is 100% different from everyone I have met in the past 3 years... I kinda just start thinking.... hmmm... am I a dummy to walk away and not even get to know him?

 

We haven't even kissed...lol.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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i say "why not?"

 

nobody is saying your supposed to marry him tomorrow.

 

just enjoy your time with him and continue as long as it's fun. he'll figure out how to see you often if he wants to. the effort he makes will be very telling. it's nice that his parents are close - that does give him an excuse to visit.

 

ps - he may have wanted your address to send a card... or to do a background check... sorry - just thought i'd throw a few possibilities out there... he could have a million reasons for wanting it. not to safe to assume he wanted it for anything in particular.

whateverwillbe Member

whateverwillbe

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I've an idea--why don't you not start up the relationship, as I live in the US and good ones are hard to find--so leave him for us to find. :p

Of course, I am kidding. I think you should go for it, like someone said, if you are willing to make adjustments in your life to move closer to him (if he indeed turns out to be such a gem). Because the goods ones don't just come around all the time. And when they do, you can't have. Really think about it.

 

Good-luck!!!

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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i say "why not?"

 

nobody is saying your supposed to marry him tomorrow.

 

just enjoy your time with him and continue as long as it's fun. he'll figure out how to see you often if he wants to. the effort he makes will be very telling. it's nice that his parents are close - that does give him an excuse to visit.

 

ps - he may have wanted your address to send a card... or to do a background check... sorry - just thought i'd throw a few possibilities out there... he could have a million reasons for wanting it. not to safe to assume he wanted it for anything in particular.

 

Lol- well, he is on my facebook.... and pretty much anything you want to know about me is there. lol.

 

Really? Think he might want to do a background check? I wonder what he could find out about me. That's interesting- no criminal record or anything... Speeding tickets though.

 

lol.

jerbear Established Member

jerbear

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Hey Dee-licous,

 

Background check?! Wait this is near D.C. so who knows...

 

I would say take it slow, an phone LDR even if you two are talking everyday is not a real relationship. You two need to phyiscally meet often to keep things going.

 

I have to agree with Art on taking things slow and working on yourself before getting into an relationship, especially an LDR. You were doing so well and while I understand he is a good catch. I also feel that you should be yourself and not have to much of the last 3 years of baggage affect you.

FleshNBones Established Member

FleshNBones

Posted
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I like the idea of pairing up with a girl from home.

 

I also live 10 hours from home, and driving isn't too bad.

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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hmm... well taking it slow is the only way I'd do it.

But I am not warming to the notion of a LDR.

 

His friend is sort of seeing my friend now- and they have offered to fly us to NYC on labour day weekend for the weekend. His friend is a pilot- so he has offered the flights for free.

 

So I have gone from dating guys who live in their parents basements with no cars- to being offered a weekend in NYC with everything looked after...

lol.

 

I am going to decline. I can't imagine accepting too generous an offer- no matter how much they insist it's not a big deal. It's rather nice of them though... Hmm, a guy with a great job that wants to pamper me.... instead of the other way around. That's new.

 

Flattered to say the least. But can't do the LDR.

I will however, keep in touch with him- I see no harm in that.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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sure - shut down a good possibility before it ever has a chance to get started.

 

why try at all???? :rolleyes:

 

come on DL, what are you making up excuses to not try?

 

because he's a good thing and he makes you feel what?

 

that you don't deserve something so good?

that you might feel inadequate?

that he may disappoint you?

that you may actually have a chance at being happy with him?

 

if you are unwilling to try - you will never know if it could have been a great thing or not...

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D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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sure - shut down a good possibility before it ever has a chance to get started.

 

why try at all???? :rolleyes:

 

come on DL, what are you making up excuses to not try?

 

because he's a good thing and he makes you feel what?

 

that you don't deserve something so good?

that you might feel inadequate?

that he may disappoint you?

that you may actually have a chance at being happy with him?

 

if you are unwilling to try - you will never know if it could have been a great thing or not...

 

Yeah, I think it's a combination of all those things as well as other concerns I have that are probably more on the rational side.

 

When I was married- my husband was working in the US while I lived in Canada- we were lucky to see each other once a month- sometimes he had to go to Europe to 2-3 months at a time on a contract job. I was in marriage- but I was as lonley as could be... and it should never be that way. I also think that the distance is what led to him cheating. So- of course I compare the two situations.

 

I do like him and recognize he has great qualities that I should look for in a partner but I fret at the thought of getting involved and then spending most of my time alone.

 

I have had this notion of what I wanted out of a relationship- and that includes quality and quantity time with someone. I haven't had that in the past six years... and I envision being with someone I can see more often than once a month for a weekend.

 

I think it's best to def keep in contact- and see him when he comes back to visit family. I spend a lot of time with his friend who lives around the corner- and him and my gf hit it off nicely. He's a nice guy too.

 

We'll see.

In my books, taking it slow doesn't entail going to nyc with him for the weekend...

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

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LDR?

 

*shudders*

 

But...

 

This guy sounds nice. Don't give up on him so fast. :)

strongertoday Established Member

strongertoday

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I have to agree with 2sunny.......

 

You havn't kisssed, havn't danced, havn't done anything yet ;) Don't give up before you try....

 

If it doesn't work after a few meetings you know....

 

and if it does, then you will say to him "look this happened last time, too much time apart, can't wait 5 years, etc" and if he is the sort of man you think he is he will be more than willing to set your mind at ease.

 

 

The perfect people rarely turn up in the perfect situations...and it's a test of faith to be willing to try....

 

Good luck !!

sunshinegirl Established Member

sunshinegirl

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Hi DLish...

 

My spidey senses started tingling and not in the good way on reading your first couple of posts. You've spent how much time, total with him? Yet you've already been able to determine that he's a great catch and that you're really compatible?

 

No no no. You don't know either of those things. You know you had good conversation and there was a bit of a spark. That's conversational chemistry, nothing more, nothing less.

 

Beyond that you have no idea if he tortures puppies in his basement, has a long pattern of LDRs because he's afraid of intimacy, or otherwise has some kind of fatal flaw that should have you running for the hills.

 

I know that's the bucket of cold water you probably didn't want, especially because he's the best thing you've seen in awhile... all I am trying to say is that a bit more of a grounded perspective will serve you well if you decide you want to get to know him better.

 

I personally won't do LDRs anymore - I've had two of them and they are HARD and tend to mask deep flaws and incompatibilities. But even beyond the structural difficulty you would face in getting to know him via LDR, I would just urge you to be careful about already assuming he's so great and you're so compatible. You barely know him. Remember that. Right now it's your fantasy of who you HOPE he will turn out to be that is getting you so excited, not as much the reality of who this guy is.

Ariadne Established Member

Ariadne

Posted
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I fret at the thought of getting involved and then spending most of my time alone...I have had this notion of what I wanted out of a relationship- and that includes quality and quantity time with someone.

 

Well, at least lessons learned.

 

You don't leave your husband alone. Everywhere he goes you have to go with him.

 

It still can work out, but you'll have to be where he is at.

Capricciosa Established Member

Capricciosa

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Hi DLish...

 

I personally won't do LDRs anymore - I've had two of them and they are HARD and tend to mask deep flaws and incompatibilities. But even beyond the structural difficulty you would face in getting to know him via LDR, I would just urge you to be careful about already assuming he's so great and you're so compatible. You barely know him. Remember that. Right now it's your fantasy of who you HOPE he will turn out to be that is getting you so excited, not as much the reality of who this guy is.

 

I agree with this entirely. I've had a few LDRs, and the last one went on for 2 years, and blew up in my face 6 days after he moved to my city. He was nuts in a way I could not gauge through his career credentials and the excitement and sometimes stress of our meetings. No normal rhythm can be developed in the LDR; it is always all or nothing. Very misleading, and it keeps the infatuation/projection going through constant fantasy and longing. In the end, you don't really know who you're getting.

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