stagnation...in a rut

[shadowplay]

Okay, I deleted this entry earlier since I was embarrassed for sounding whiney but decided to repost because I do want feedback.

 

Not sure how to overcome this feeling of stagnation because it has vague, broad roots.

 

Immediate causes:

 

1) M left for the week so I'm lonely. Don't have friends to hang out with over the weekend or things to look forward to.

 

2) My one and only friend informed me that he wouldn't be talking to me for two months because he thinks I rely on him for emotional support. He's pulled this before. He basically freaks out whenever I talk about my problems.

 

3) Another guy who I was in love with for years won't even have casual sex with me, despite claiming to "of course find [me] attractive." I came so close to having physical contact with him only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Not sure I've ever been this disappointed in my whole freakin' life. The worst part is I'll never know why I wasn't good enough for him, and confusion always leads to obsession with me.

 

4) The therapy I started a few months ago has ceased to help, not sure that it ever has. I've now disclosed all of my deepest secrets and insecurities to her, but it's still not working. I'm well-versed in my own problems, so simply describing them to her without getting constructive feedback does no good. I sit down and talk for a bit, she dishes out a few empty lines of advice, and before we get any deeper the session is over. She'll close with, "well some or our work next time then will be to get you to question your, blah blah." Just saying that doesn't make it happen unless she gives me concrete instructions on how to do it.

 

I don't know what to do between sessions to jump start my progress. It's not clear to me whether it's her problem or mine or both. This happened with other therapists too, but I thought she would be different.

 

5) My summer internship that ends next week feels like it was a waste of time aside from the minor boost to my resume. I learned very little about the industry and many days just sat twiddling my thumbs. Didn't make any friends either, despite many attempts. I felt useless.

 

6) I turned 25 two days ago, and realize that I've made little progress in the last 5 years. I'm so far behind my peers. Because I was kicked out of college, I won't be done with my degree for another year and a half. How pathetic is that? I am so far behind everyone else my age, and I'm incredibly dependent on my parents. Still don't have a driver's license (getting my permit renewed on Monday so I can take the license test before summer ends) or any real source of income. Still live with them (though I'll be moving out next week).

 

I'm in a time warp. The world around me changes and I get older, but my circumstances don't. Problem is I'm utterly convinced that I'm doomed. This belief is so deep-rooted that I don't know how to debunk it.

 

In the past few years I've made enough to-do-lists to fill a large book. I try and do the things that are supposed to make me better, see a therapist, get a job, etc. But they all seem to lead nowhere; I just go through the motions because nothing I do is rewarding (at least not immediately so). I give and give with no returns. My world has lost its luster. There is nothing to look forward to, not even small pleasures like going out with friends.

 

Yet I don't feel that I'm doing anything wrong -- that's what's so maddening about it. Every road I turn down becomes a dead end. It's like I'm stuck in some private nightmare, with a limited palette of colors, where all the doors open to most people are closed. Sometimes I feel like a character in a Kafka novel.

 

How do I overcome this conviction that I'm helpless or the world is stacked against me when all the evidence points in that direction? It would be much easier to dismiss if I had some minor successes or moments of pleasure to even the score.

 

Is it possible I'm just incompatible with this world, and it's time for us to part ways? Theoretically the world should offer enough variety and possibility for everybody to find a niche and route to happiness, but that's not actually the case. The experiences you can have are limited by your status in society. I mean there is a lot of natural beauty in the world, but one can't live off of beauty alone. Everybody needs excitement and other people. I don't understand how people who are worse off than me trudge on. Unless you're one of the lucky few, it seems like the only way to be happy is to squash all your dreams by a certain age and settle for sub par conditions. You start out life being told you can achieve anything, and end up feeling bitter and cheated once reality sinks in.

 

I want out like you guys wouldn't believe. I don't mean dead out (though sometimes I feel that way), but just out of this rut. I hate rehashing the same woes over and over, but how else do I figure out what I'm doing wrong without examining my problems? I would do anything to get better if I just knew how. That's the question I keep coming back to: HOW?

 

Here's what a happy life would like to me. Aside from the obvious -- good job, loving husband/bf, enough money -- it would be comprised of those exciting social experiences and connections I missed out on growing up. Going to parties with friends I admire, having long talks with random people, dancing and being silly, feeling confident and attractive, being excited that anything could happen before dawn. Meandering through a buzzing city with a group of friends on a Saturday night, meeting cool people along the way, having encounters of all sorts -- strange, scary, fun. Sampling the variety of life. Mingling with artists, musicians and intellectuals, kissing beautiful guys in back alleys. How cliche is that, but it's exactly what I want. I've always been on the outside looking in. The moments when I felt most alive were when I imagined a future like that was finally within reach. That hope is gone.

 

I'm not somebody who enjoys being alone, even when I'm fully engaged in a hobby. I've been alone all my life and I absolutely hate it. Despite my shyness I'm very much a people person. Even as a toddler I was always happiest in a crowd. Just being in the presence of people who were having fun used to bring me joy. I'm like an environmental sponge. If I'm around depressing people in an ugly place, I absorb that vibe into my soul. There's my predicament: I need other people, I need to be around them, but I can't seem to connect with them.

 

Even if I do well this year by getting A's and making money at a part-time job where will that lead? I'll still be alone. I can see myself trying out different clubs and feeling more isolated than ever because all of the people are either depressing, different from me, or they reject my social overtures.

[Suiyobi]

I know this sounds like cliche advice, but there's really no other way to put it: Start thinking optimistically. Imagine all the things you want (that are good) in your life and feel as if you've already had them and that they'll never disappear. Start to appreciate things you've never seen as cool or interesting at first. Continue to do what you like best, but this time, put some more effort into it. Whatever you do, try not to think of all the negative things that has happened (or is happening, or you think will happen) in your life. I'm somewhat on the same situation as you but I'm really trying my best to see life in a different light. Because if I don't, depression will definitely get to me.

 

Oh and about missing social experiences, why not try to rekindle past friendships? Or even with family members?

[dvsxx6]

Okay, I deleted this entry earlier since I was embarrassed for sounding whiney but decided to repost because I do want feedback.

Aw. You're already being very critical of yourself. You don't need to give us an explanation at all for having feelings. We're here to help you, not put you down. There will be time for constructive criticism but don't feel bad that you have feelings that you want acknowledged. Everyone needs someone to talk to.

 

2) My one and only friend informed me that he wouldn't be talking to me for two months because he thinks I rely on him for emotional support. He's pulled this before. He basically freaks out whenever I talk about my problems.

Have you tried other avenues to making friends? I know that you mentioned below that you're shy but a people person, and I know exactly what you mean. You're lonely but you're afraid to take that step cause it's scary not knowing what you're getting into. You don't want to be hurt. Have you considered looking into joining a group sport/club/something that makes you interact with others? Sure that may be scary at first, but I can tell you from personal experience, there is no experience that I wasn't afraid of getting into that I actually regretted afterward. 9/10 times I was myself and had a good time. I struggled with lots of insecurity issues in the past, and I just took whatever I got into as a learning experience. That's exactly what taking healthy and responsible risks are. You learn from everything that you do.

3) Another guy who I was in love with for years won't even have casual sex with me, despite claiming to "of course find [me] attractive." I came so close to having physical contact with him only to have the rug pulled out from under me. Not sure I've ever been this disappointed in my whole freakin' life. The worst part is I'll never know why I wasn't good enough for him, and confusion always leads to obsession with me.

I know exactly what you mean. I was in the same situation. I was having casual sex w/ this guy for about 5 years off and on. I finally got the courage to stop talking to him because apparently nothing more was going to come out of it. We were both in lust with each other. He was just physically attractive and extremely ambitious which is what attracted me to him. But I forced myself to stop talking to him cause I'm not gona degrade myself anymore just cause I'm lonely. You, too must make that move to stop talking to that guy [or thinking about him] cause you will emotionally disintegrate and you will harbor even MORE negative feelings towards yourself. Don't allow guys to validate your sense of self worth. If he didn't like you, that was his problem. You two weren't meant to be. You were yourself, and if he didn't like it, you should definitely move on. Don't change for someone that's not worth your time. There's a really good quote and I don't know who it's by, but it holds a lot of validity and wisdom in it: "Don't make someone a priority n your life if you're just an option in theirs".

 

Yes, the lonliness does really suck, but I'd rather be lonely than to stay w/ someone who believes they could treat me like their little toy that they can play with whenever they want to, on their terms. And sometimes you just can't understand what the other person is thinking. He apparently had bad intentions for you, and if he seems shady, chances are, he probably is. That is the advice I got from one of my close friends. Please, you need to value yourself more.

 

6) I turned 25 two days ago, and realize that I've made little progress in the last 5 years. I'm so far behind my peers. Because I was kicked out of college, I won't be done with my degree for another year and a half. How pathetic is that? I am so far behind everyone else my age, and I'm incredibly dependent on my parents. Still don't have a driver's license (getting my permit renewed on Monday so I can take the license test before summer ends) or any real source of income. Still live with them (though I'll be moving out next week).

It is completely understanable that you feel "behind" compared to other 25 year olds. BUT, WHO says that you have to be like everyone else? Sure that is the "standard norm" to graduate by a certain time, to be married by a certain age, etc. but people have different backgrounds and work at their own pace. Not everyone will be at the same level at the same age. That does not make anyone better than you and that doesn't make you inadequate to others. I'm 21, and I'm supposed to be graduated from college already but I'm still a semester away from being a senior. I changed my majors a couple of times, but so what? I'm still planning on going to graduate school and getting my doctorate. It's the matter of moving forward and doing what you need to do that's important. Not because of some superficial, and stupid societal "expectation" that people believe. It is complete BS to me. And so what if you have made mistakes? You can't make up for that lost time but you can move forward and learn from your past. Dwelling on what happened will only make it harder to do well in the future. You are self sabotaging your efforts. You need to do things that will build your trust in yourself so that you will build that self confidence that you need in order to survive in this crazy world.

 

I'm in a time warp. The world around me changes and I get older, but my circumstances don't. Problem is I'm utterly convinced that I'm doomed. This belief is so deep-rooted that I don't know how to debunk it.

You're not doomed. You can turn this around.. you're just having a whirlwind of problems that you are allowing to ruminate in your head. You have to be willing to take more risks, healthy risks such as trying a new job, pursuing interests or discovering new interests, joining a club, heck, maybe even looking at strangers in the eye and saying 'hello' once in a while. Surprise yourself. I think you still have some soul searching to do which is understandable because you are at a place where you feel very isolated and unsure of what direction you'd like to go in. The good news is you've still got hope.

How do I overcome this conviction that I'm helpless or the world is stacked against me when all the evidence points in that direction? It would be much easier to dismiss if I had some minor successes or moments of pleasure to even the score.

 

The world isn't against you. There is no evidence that you're doomed or that you're helpless. You are very much able to help yourself, the fact is that you're afraid of reaching for more. That's okay, everyone is scared to try new things. But that should not be an excuse to give up on yourself. You need to surround yourself with a group of people that will inspire you and help you. Sure the world can be cruel, but nobody ever said life was meant to be fair. #1. It all starts with your own attitude. If you view the world as cruel and scary, that is your filter of the world. People will pick up on that. I think you need to tweak your outlook on life a little. A good book that I recommend is "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil McGraw. Great book, it really will help you sort out the blur and confusion that you seem to be struggling w/ in your life.

 

Also, Have you considered joining an exercise class? Hope this doesn't sound corny, but exercise helps relieve depression/anxiety, and at the same time, you will meet other people there, which will make you get over your shyness because you're gona have to talk to others. [and trust me, you can overcome it]. The thing that I'm getting from you is that you are not being the you that you really are deep down inside. IE. You're shy but you really are a people person. You need to take risks to prove to yourself that you have no reason to be shy. Cause shyness = insecurity. But then again, some people are just naturally shy and are not insecure, just soft spoken. Do you want to be more outgoing? Do you feel that you have social anxiety?

 

I want out like you guys wouldn't believe. I don't mean dead out (though sometimes I feel that way), but just out of this rut. I hate rehashing the same woes over and over, but how else do I figure out what I'm doing wrong without examining my problems? I would do anything to get better if I just knew how. That's the question I keep coming back to: HOW?

As I've mentioned above, try to do something out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself with activities/new environments/meeting new people at school/work/anywhere/ just trying new things in general that you never thought that you would do.I can guarantee you will be stronger if you challenge yourself, regardless of what it is. You will definitely learn something about yourself. Again, it is about your attitude and how you interpret things. You can't go into new things thinking "I'm doomed" [cause your'e not! and that would totally wreck the experience]. You must be willing to make mistakes and be afraid, and even get hurt at times. You must persevere and keep on trying when you are afraid of being in a new environment. It's a scary process but I know it'll be worth the suffering.

 

There could also be a huge possibility that you're just bored with your current life circumstances, which may make you feel worthless about yourself. I don't know if that's how you feel, but sometimes when I'm really bored and feel that life is monotonous, I start having negative thoughts for no good reason. You've always got to keep yourself busy and keep on moving forward. I always keep busy and make sure that my thoughts don't build momentum. I always talk myself out of the negative thoughts and replace them with factual thoughts of myself that are positive and constructive.

 

I'm not somebody who enjoys being alone, even when I'm fully engaged in a hobby. I've been alone all my life and I absolutely hate it. Despite my shyness I'm very much a people person. Even as a toddler I was always happiest in a crowd. Just being in the presence of people who were having fun used to bring me joy. I'm like an environmental sponge. If I'm around depressing people in an ugly place, I absorb that vibe into my soul. There's my predicament: I need other people, I need to be around them, but I can't seem to connect with them.

What makes you think you can't you connect w/ them? Because you're shy? ..

 

Hope you don't harm yourself in any way. I'm still trying to get the whole picture, since you definitely have got a lot to say. I'll try to help you out as best as I can but I'd like a lil more info from you.

 

Take care and good luck!