He keeps bringing up my past

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

We have been together almost a year. I am a bit of a flirt, but it's joking around with guys I work with, a casual atmosphere, everyone gets in on these little sexual remarks (not during office hours though). There was some inappropriate texting that we dealt with but when I was recently in the same group as this guy for a work social function (by choice, he asked me as we have done this almost every year) my bf flipped again. I consider my coworker a good "work" friend, but my bf thinks he's a real a-hole, but he is not, he's very much a gentleman, just a bit of a dirty old man (younger than me though).

 

Every time we have these "discussions" my bf brings up my past and past arguments I thought were resolved. He is the type who asks alot of questions, and I am the type who answers them. We both have a cheating past, but it appears that my past always seems to be shoved in his face (his words). Like some of the guys I was with we bumped into, etc. I never see any of his exes.

 

Our last arguement is still ongoing, I told him we were invited to my best friends party, a bday for her husband. I had a thing with her hubby's brother a few years ago, so right away my bf asks "oh good I get to meet so-so?". I said no, my friend hates him and would never invite him, and his ex wife would be there instead. But then he went off again on his jealous tangent about how my exes always reappear.

 

And then he went off about my coworker, and how he has had opportunities to attend social events with other women (nothing to do with work however) and that should be okay since I did this. I gave him a hard time once about him digging up a woman he knew when he was six years old (found her on myspace). He did that while we were dating, so then he gets back at me about adding a friend I went on one date with to my facebook. But I didn't "dig him up" I know him from church, and my kids school, etc, but never wanted to really "date" him, I still consider him a friend, but my bf is so jealous again. I'm so sick of his justifying tit for tat.

 

I'm so frustrated with this. When things are good (which seems to coincide with times I am not pms'ing) they are really really good, I have never been so much in love, and have never felt loved like this. Our kids all get along so well, our families like us and are happy for us.

 

He also has alot of issues with his ex-wife. She is psycho. He is jealous that I get along so well with my exH.

 

I don't know how to deal with this. I haven't returned his last text message and haven't talked in two days. I've done nothing wrong. I told him we were invited to a party.

[theobserver]

Ok first off, lay off the texting and flirting outside of work it is a problem and there are dangers and it's different for men and women. Men if they flirt in a sexual way do it for 2 reasons.

#1 it’s out of Pity

#2 we find the other woman attractive it's an ego boost that we get a positive flirt back and given the chance would hump the crap out of you.

 

You might believe it's harmless but believe me if you offered that co-worker a quick bonk believe me he would not care about your boyfriend and your relationship. Your boyfriend has shown a disliking and there’s no reason for you to "defend" your harmless flirting because it's not as important as your relationship.

 

It does seem there's some trust issues here you've both cheated in the past but you both dug that grave now it's coming to bite you on the ass 2 distrustful people together but hey no relationship is perfect. You also both come with children and a past marriage. I can understand how he feels that you get on with your ExH and all your other ex's who seem to live in your area it can be annoying to have to see all the men your partner has been with knowing they've been inside her, and then to see your partner be overall happy to see them greet them hug them or having to be in the same place as them.

 

Maybe you can't see this from his angle because like you said all his ex's are not around and the only interaction you have with any of his ex's are his ex wife and it's a negative relationship therefore you see no threat but imagine he was best friends with his wife wouldn't you be scared of a then possibly rekindling their relationship?

 

I very much believe he is just a little paranoid that because of your personality of being very flirty and playing with fire and how civil you are with ex's that you could easily be swayed to cheat or leave him for an ex as would I if I was your boyfriend (I'm sure others would disagree but this is just my opinion I don't know you and I'm just saying what I get from your post)

 

I would answer him and get him to voice all his concerns, control yourself from answering back and let him get it all out then re-assure him he is the only one then voice your concerns on how his behaviour is making you feel, do not ignore the man nothing more annoying than being ignored by the person you love makes you look guilty of something.

 

You told your BF your best friends husbands brother wouldn't be there but how can you be sure I would double check because if he does turn up your boyfriend will just think you lied and knew he was coming all along to catch up on old times, don't make assumptions he is the brother of the birthday boy.

 

Best of Luck whatever happens next.

[porter218]

Your past doesn't really seem to be in your past, and your a bit of a flirt to boot...I would have trouble trying to be with you too.

[verve]

I've been in a relationship before with a really bad flirt and her flirting was a big problem for me. I used to feel like she wasn't getting enough from me and had to go and get attention and approval from other men and that makes you feel crap. Although I am very tolerant and not controlling or jealous at all, eventually it got too much for me.

 

Its really hard to handle, even if you think its innocent, it'll be hurting your partner because you're flirting with these other men which shows a total lack of respect for him.

 

Maybe its an attention thing and you enjoy attention, approval and like to feel like you've 'still got it' but you should really be careful.

 

At the same time he shouldn't be using the past as ammunition against you if he agreed to forgive and forget because thats wrong but maybe he's still angry about these things and can't let them go. If he had truly let them go he wouldn't keep bringing them up again in arguments, I know that happened with me and the aforementioned girl.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

Ok first off, lay off the texting and flirting outside of work it is a problem and there are dangers and it's different for men and women. Men if they flirt in a sexual way do it for 2 reasons.

#1 it’s out of Pity

#2 we find the other woman attractive it's an ego boost that we get a positive flirt back and given the chance would hump the crap out of you.

 

You might believe it's harmless but believe me if you offered that co-worker a quick bonk believe me he would not care about your boyfriend and your relationship. Your boyfriend has shown a disliking and there’s no reason for you to "defend" your harmless flirting because it's not as important as your relationship.

 

I very much believe he is just a little paranoid that because of your personality of being very flirty and playing with fire and how civil you are with ex's that you could easily be swayed to cheat or leave him for an ex as would I if I was your boyfriend (I'm sure others would disagree but this is just my opinion I don't know you and I'm just saying what I get from your post)

 

 

You understand so perfectly - that is exacly how he feels. I do not text anymore. That stopped month ago, but one time, I got a text in his presence. I didn't respond but he was mad that it hadn't stopped. It HAD stopped...until then, but he doesn't believe me. Then when we were in a discussion about another topic, this guy's name came up, and he asked again, and I said it had stopped. I had to apologize for days because he checked my phone and there was one text that said "what's up". That is the last text because I let the coworker have it.

 

You're right, it is an ego boost but he would never EVER cheat on his wife. He is harmless, and I stopped flirting and playing along months ago. So I told him no more texts! He knows how my bf feels, and that is a problem because I have made my bf look like an a$$ to this coworker, and again, I have apologized profusely about this to my bf. And I haven't had any texts.

 

I always seem to do something that doesn't pass my bf's approval, we discuss it, have our day long fight, then make up again. Yet he continues to bring it up as ammunition, as Verve pointed out, and that is what bothers me the most. I am trying so hard in this relationship but I'm not perfect. He can make me feel like the sexiest, most gorgeous, perfect woman in the world, and then he can make me feel like I have done the most terrible thing to him.

 

We talked about the possibility of my friend's BIL coming to the party. I told him there would be nothing I could do about it. But we got into the discussion about why I had a fling with this guy when he's so "bad" (yes he is bad) and I told him how I was in a different place - but this was about the 4rd or 4th time I felt I had to explain my past indiscretions. At the time I was recently separated, having fun, and decided to do things and not feel guilty because I didn't have to answer to anyone.

 

I would answer him and get him to voice all his concerns, control yourself from answering back and let him get it all out then re-assure him he is the only one then voice your concerns on how his behaviour is making you feel, do not ignore the man nothing more annoying than being ignored by the person you love makes you look guilty of something

 

 

You're right. I will call him (he's an hour away) and see if we can get together today to talk about this. I need to know what he is so afraid of and I need to reassure him, again, but he has to forgive and forget, because one of these times will be his last chance. These things start and I did nothing wrong, it's past issues.

 

His exWife is giving him a hard time too. We are both not divorced yet, 3 yrs separated though.

[Javelin]

MWC_LifeBeginsAt40,

 

I'm going to be very blunt with you.

 

It seems by the way you type and the name you've chosen for yourself, that you are a very self absorbed person.

 

Now please, allow me to clarify!

 

Being self absorbed is not a bad thing, but it makes for a very, how can I put it, iffy person when peering in from the outside. You have to understand that some of your actions will most certainly come with consequence, if they are towards another male. As stated above, what may be harmless to you, may be very painful to someone else. In this case, you are damaging your current boyfriend and the only way he knows how to damage you, is to degrade you with your past.

 

Consider is mood a cry for attention and help.. He's basically calling to you!

 

During the times he makes you feel special, it's because he's partially at ease with you and can truly show you how much he really cares and loves you! However, when you turn around and initialize contact with a certain co-worker, it sparks the madness within. It doesn't matter if the co-worker is the one sending the first message, he obviously did not get the message the first time and he needs to be addressed promptly. Just remember, you aren't coming home to your co-worker, it's your boyfriend and your relationship with him is far more important than a co-worker.

 

I think you should really start putting yourself into your boyfriend's shoes. Think how you would feel if you were staring at him, as he was flirting with other woman. I'm sure you wouldn't brush it off as, 'harmless flirting.'

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You're partly right, but I have never initialized contact. I stopped playing along at least 4 months ago.

 

Anyway I called him and asked him why he brought this up, and he was quiet and started an attitude of "whatever" and I said No, this has to stop, I'm serious, if you keep bringing up my past when we're arguing this relationship will not work. So he opened up a bit more and I tried to explain that I can't just drop male friends that I've known for a while and not talking about my coworker.

 

So we argued about that, about another male. Just because I went on one date with this "acquaintance" of a few years, to get to know more about him over a year ago, and still bump into him as I always had before, but now I'm not allowed to initiate conversation and fear even bringing up his name in conversation. My bf gets mad because I had added this guy to facebook after we started dating, and he keeps asking why, and I keep telling the same answer...I was fairly new to fb and added everyone who requested it. I said I'll delete him if he wants but this friend will just email me the jokes instead (which I also delete). He's not after me but I can't convince my bf of that.

 

So my bf gets mad everytime this guy puts something on my fun wall. I don't even see them because my fun wall isn't on my home page anymore, so unless I specifically go there, I don't pay attention to it. He just thinks this guy wants to get with me. I'm pretty sure after I let him down a year ago, that he has stopped trying. He is a really super nice guy, my bf doesn't even know anything about him, just assumes every guy wants me. (well, who wouldn't want a guy who thought that?)

 

So we talked some more, and he came up with the idea that he's the type who just has to knwo everything that is going on with everyone. I guess kind of a busy body. So now he wants me to ask my coworker why "one" time when he texted me from his vacation, that he said "don't text me back". It was over six months ago. Why do you need to know that?????? This is the stuff that bugs me! I am starting to fear he has a really possessive side. He only wants to prove me wrong that this guy's wife is okay with it. I told my bf that his wife knows that he's a flirt and a pervert, and they have a good marriage, but depending on this "reason" he will place more negative judgement on my coworker.

 

Because of our situations we won't be able to live together for at least 3-5 years. He goes crazy when we spend two nights apart. I honestly sometimes enjoy the break, and although he hasn't made me feel guilty for having my own plans, I do think about what it would be like if we lived together, but then knowing it's so far away helps.

 

I have reservations, but then I get a call from him, and I am gushing all over. So I do love him, and I try very hard to be a "good girl" but I still have to hold onto who I am, the person I have worked very hard to become since my separation. God there is so much more, I'm having the time of my life in this relationship, it's just these moods that pop up every now and then (not that I don't have my moods).

[mendoman]

My bf gets mad because I had added this guy to facebook after we started dating, and he keeps asking why, and I keep telling the same answer...I was fairly new to fb and added everyone who requested it. I said I'll delete him if he wants...

 

It would mean a great deal to him if you took the initiative and deleted him now, without him asking or without you telling him you've even done it. If it ever did come up in conversation, your actions would truly show how much he means to you. I know very well how your boyfriend feels. I have been married for quite a long time (nearly 23 years) and through counseling, my wife and I are repairing some of these sort of issues that have needed fixing. If you take charge and realize that this isn't an effort to control you but a need to feel like he and his feelings are of the utmost importance to you.

 

I have reservations, but then I get a call from him, and I am gushing all over. So I do love him, and I try very hard to be a "good girl" but I still have to hold onto who I am, the person I have worked very hard to become since my separation. God there is so much more, I'm having the time of my life in this relationship, it's just these moods that pop up every now and then (not that I don't have my moods).

Holding on to who you are is very important. But if one has behaviors or allows the actions of others to interfere with their relationship, being who you are may need some tweaking. When discussing these issues with your bf, keep your guard down and truly listen to what he needs from you. Any argumentative approaches will dig this hole deeper. The more you connect on what each others needs are, the sweeter your relationship will become.

 

I wish you all the best.

[lkjh]

your past is not your past! You still keep in contact with men you dated, the texting just stopped a month ago, and you flirt with a co-worker. I' m sorry but I doubt the co-worker is a good guy who is just looking for friendship. As a guy I can tell you we never want to be just friends, girls are just to dumb(when it comes to what we want) to see this. Trust is earned not given and you haven't done anything to earn it. If you want your relationship to work you have to make sacrifices like the men of your past. I would not be with a women the had this much baggage and didn't want to do anything about it.

[Javelin]

You're partly right, but I have never initialized contact. I stopped playing along at least 4 months ago.

 

Anyway I called him and asked him why he brought this up, and he was quiet and started an attitude of "whatever" and I said No, this has to stop, I'm serious, if you keep bringing up my past when we're arguing this relationship will not work. So he opened up a bit more and I tried to explain that I can't just drop male friends that I've known for a while and not talking about my coworker.

 

So we argued about that, about another male. Just because I went on one date with this "acquaintance" of a few years, to get to know more about him over a year ago, and still bump into him as I always had before, but now I'm not allowed to initiate conversation and fear even bringing up his name in conversation. My bf gets mad because I had added this guy to facebook after we started dating, and he keeps asking why, and I keep telling the same answer...I was fairly new to fb and added everyone who requested it. I said I'll delete him if he wants but this friend will just email me the jokes instead (which I also delete). He's not after me but I can't convince my bf of that.

 

So my bf gets mad everytime this guy puts something on my fun wall. I don't even see them because my fun wall isn't on my home page anymore, so unless I specifically go there, I don't pay attention to it. He just thinks this guy wants to get with me. I'm pretty sure after I let him down a year ago, that he has stopped trying. He is a really super nice guy, my bf doesn't even know anything about him, just assumes every guy wants me. (well, who wouldn't want a guy who thought that?)

 

So we talked some more, and he came up with the idea that he's the type who just has to knwo everything that is going on with everyone. I guess kind of a busy body. So now he wants me to ask my coworker why "one" time when he texted me from his vacation, that he said "don't text me back". It was over six months ago. Why do you need to know that?????? This is the stuff that bugs me! I am starting to fear he has a really possessive side. He only wants to prove me wrong that this guy's wife is okay with it. I told my bf that his wife knows that he's a flirt and a pervert, and they have a good marriage, but depending on this "reason" he will place more negative judgement on my coworker.

 

Because of our situations we won't be able to live together for at least 3-5 years. He goes crazy when we spend two nights apart. I honestly sometimes enjoy the break, and although he hasn't made me feel guilty for having my own plans, I do think about what it would be like if we lived together, but then knowing it's so far away helps.

 

I have reservations, but then I get a call from him, and I am gushing all over. So I do love him, and I try very hard to be a "good girl" but I still have to hold onto who I am, the person I have worked very hard to become since my separation. God there is so much more, I'm having the time of my life in this relationship, it's just these moods that pop up every now and then (not that I don't have my moods).

 

I still don't think you understand, but I will try again..

 

1) This is not about you, it's about your relationship with your boyfriend.

2) These guys that you are protecting? They're going to ruin your relationship, because you fail to let them go.

3) Maybe your boyfriend isn't the problem in this picture, perhaps it's you?

 

I mean, your boyfriend has the right to be upset. You've practically disrespected the relationship, time and time again. Honestly, you should feel lucky that he stayed with you, during your flirtatious episodes, because had I been in his shoes, you'd be alone. Unfortunately, I think that's why you were able to do these things for so long. He wasn't firm with you about and the penalty was just being getting into an argument. Big deal right?

 

Look, no one here is asking you to change who you are. Just change how you go about doing things with other guys! I mean, don't you have any female friends? In the end, these guys are only after one thing, no matter how you look at it.

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

When? I'm a very different person than when I was with my former husband. I have had counselling and believe me, I'll never go there again (cheating) it's a horrible place.

 

I don't think you understand ... I am NOT flirting. I was before by playing along with the texts but I haven't responded in a long time since it became a problem.

 

I don't have any contact with the facebook friend other than bumping into him at church or our kids school. I work with the other guy but my bf and I now have an understanding. I don't reply to messages. Period. I am to tell him every time I receive a message, and I will. This is the advice of his counselor.

 

My bf and I are going to work very hard at our relationship. We plan to be completely open about everything. I have nothing to hide. Neither does he. He needs to know more about me than I care to know about his past. For example, he wants to know if someone in a social situation is from my past. I had never thought if I would want to know that, and honestly, I don't think I would.

 

I have decided never to defend these guys who are flirting with me. My bf and our relationship comes first.

[Walk]

I think your plan for working things out with your bf is a good one.

 

You'll still need to keep in mind that it hasn't been that long since you put an end to the flirtation with the co-worker

I stopped playing along at least 4 months ago.

 

Plus, you're bf is probably under the impression that your texting has only stopped recently.

That stopped month ago, but one time, I got a text in his presence.

 

Your bf only has that last text message to prove the last time you received one (which was less then a month ago).

 

Whenever you're feeling defensive about your actions, try to take a deep breath and think of something positive for a minute. The actions that have upset your bf are still fairly fresh in his mind (4 months is a short period of time). In addition, it has only been a few weeks since you stopped communicating through text with that other guy (in your bf's head).

 

It takes time to regain trust from someone. The one big thing you should focus on is simply understanding where your bf is coming from. If you honestly feel you have done nothing wrong, then there is nothing to defend against. It is important that you listen and understand his side of things. When he asks for explainations, you don't need to attempt to prove what you did was innocent, just state the facts as they were. Don't get defensive. That's the biggest road block between effective communication. I get that way with my H sometimes, and it will immediately kill any communication and send us straight into a fight.

 

Try to remember that he isn't attacking you.. he's attacking the threat to the relationship. He might not be going about it the right way, but then you need to be the bigger person and steer it in the right direction. That means listening, understanding, keeping things calm and open. Don't force your views on him, let him come to his own conclusions. Your actions will speak for themselves.