Some questions about cyber stalkers

[CaliGuy]

Before we start:

We don't need to rehash why I track my web site visits.

We don't need to rehash why I won't PW protect the site.

We don't need to rehash why I want to keep my life out of the eyes of ex girlfriends.

Yes I know to some degree, it's a compliment to me.

 

Notes: Both the first ex that got me here and the 22 year old have been blocked. They can not access the site from home or their boyfriend's houses. However, they are getting clever and using other means to visit the site.

 

What I really want to know:

 

1. Why won't they stop?

2. Why, after knowing they are not wanted and blocked, do they continue to visit?

3. If I send them an email asking them to stop, why won't they?

 

Look, I don't want either of them anymore. And getting dates is not a problem for me, even at 39. Hey, when you take care of yourself the way I do and maintain a positive attitude, that happens

 

But that's not the point. I am so much more curious about the human psychology behind this when it comes to Exs and me. Why is it that I do not meet a certain criteria for them but yet they won't stay out of my life?

 

When I dump someone, that's it. I don't check on them anymore. I am not curious about their lives. What's done is done and you move on. I leave them alone to heal and for me to heal.

 

I haven't written the 22 year old to tell her to stop. I thought by blocking her and ignoring her at work that it would send a clear message. Should I go ahead and ask her to stop too or let it go?

 

Please. I know what people like Art, Yamaha and others will say as we've discussed it several times before. The point of this thread is to get answers on the questions I asked above.

 

Summary:

My web site is mostly centered around racing, with a small personal blog and photos intended for friends and family. I like seeing where my site is linked and who might be looking at it (sponsors, Europe, etc). Ex's both know that they are not welcome on the site yet even so, figure out a way around it. It's not hard for me to figure out who they are based on viewing patterns (people are creatures of habit and stamp their signature based on their behavior).

 

And honestly, I am not THAT bothered by the visits themselves. I'm over that. I am so much more curious on WHY they do it, not so much the fact they are. It's the motivation behind keeping tabs on someone you said, in one way or another, wasn't good enough for you.

 

Cheers if you read the whole thing. Once again, I don't want to make this a pissing match.

 

Also, if you think I should write the 22 year old and tell her to stop, I am curious about what should or should not be said.

[The Collector]

Checking your site isn't really stalking you. It's a public site, and unless they do something more than check it every now and again, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

To answer your specific questions.

 

1. They are still hung up on you because you are awesome. Looking at your site brings back fond memories, or maybe will give them a clue as to if you are going to become available again. Take it as a compliment.

2. F*ck you I won't do what you tell me. Some people are attracted to what is forbidden.

3. See answers 1 & 2.

[Ronni_W]

I am so much more curious on ... the motivation behind keeping tabs on someone you said, in one way or another, wasn't good enough for you.

Maybe they are looking for/finding "proof" that their opinion, of the person not being 'good enough', was correct? Or, they know exactly how to press the person's buttons...and just enjoy doing that?

Especially if the latter, asking them to stop whatever behaviour will just encourage it, IMO.

[CaliGuy]

Checking your site isn't really stalking you. It's a public site, and unless they do something more than check it every now and again, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

It's pretty often. Same patterns. They read the blog and view photos. I had some photos of me and a new "friend" and the hits went ballistic after that.

 

To answer your specific questions.

 

1. They are still hung up on you because you are awesome. Looking at your site brings back fond memories, or maybe will give them a clue as to if you are going to become available again. Take it as a compliment.

 

Yet if I ignore her at work, she hits the site double-time. She's still dating her new guy as well. Why would she care if I was available?

 

2. F*ck you I won't do what you tell me. Some people are attracted to what is forbidden.

 

RATM is one of my favorite bands.

 

3. See answers 1 & 2.

 

Gotcha, thanks.

[CaliGuy]

Maybe they are looking for/finding "proof" that their opinion, of the person not being 'good enough', was correct? Or, they know exactly how to press the person's buttons...and just enjoy doing that?

Especially if the latter, asking them to stop whatever behaviour will just encourage it, IMO.

 

Asking them to honor their decision would encourage them to continue to try and press my buttons? For what purpose??? That is what I don't understand.

[johan]

Someday we'll all look back on this, a little nostalgically, and laugh.

 

"Remember when CaliGuy would post about his ex hitting his website?"

 

"Yeah, that was crazy! ha ha ha.. Good times."

[Ronni_W]

Asking them to honor their decision would encourage them to continue to try and press my buttons? For what purpose???

One possibility is that, for whatever (dysfunctional?) reason, they get enjoyment out of pushing your buttons. For them, they are 'honouring' that part of self that derives pleasure from bugging you. So, the more they know they're succeeding at their goal, the more they are encouraged to 'honour' that part that is enjoying it. Possibly they don't/won't interpret your request in the way that you want them to see it.

[D-Lish]

I think what is happening to you illustrates the power of NC.

When you have a relationship with someone and then cut them out of your life- that person will embrace the silence as rejection. It doesn't matter who left who- that silence speaks volumes, and it has a big impact.

 

I've broken up with people before- and it's effected me to endure their silence.

 

I suspect the viewing of your site has to do with feeling rejected. They can't get any validation from you personally because you won't speak to them... so they go to the next best thing and view your life through your blogs.

[wareagle]

Remember me asking why my ex was hitting up my myspace page Caliguy? I ask the same questions? Why do they want to keep tabs on us, why after deciding we werent' good enough for us do they want to know what we are up to?

[motive2002]

Are you in any, small, tiny, microscopic way reinforcing their behavior? I mean even in any teeny tiny little way?

People that are obsessed will take any little, tiny crumb of bread and make a whole loaf out of it.

 

The reason why I ask this, is for the most part, we all like to try to let them down softly, which never works because it gives them some kind of false hope. Maybe when you broke it off, somehow they got the message that you'd still be interested in being friends or whatever.. the small crumb.

 

Sometimes it's necessary to be a complete as$hole to get someone off your back. Nobody wants to be that ass$hole, or to be hated by anyone in general, but if it's really bad you might have to literally tell them to F-off and not be nice about it at all. my ex did that to me and it worked. She was so horrible to me the last time we talked that i'll never forget it, and it's helped me maintain NC for 4 months now.

 

I hate her. She doesn't care. Life moves on either way.

[Ronni_W]

People that are obsessed will take any little, tiny crumb of bread and make a whole loaf out of it.

That's a good point, too. They may be preferring "negative contact" (interpreted when you spend time & energy to track and block their ISP info, send email requests to stop hitting the site/blog, whatever) to NO contact at all. When you stop doing things that suggest your frustration/confusion over what they are doing, likely whatever "benefit" they're getting out of it will cease, and they will stop.

[CaliGuy]

One possibility is that, for whatever (dysfunctional?) reason, they get enjoyment out of pushing your buttons. For them, they are 'honouring' that part of self that derives pleasure from bugging you. So, the more they know they're succeeding at their goal, the more they are encouraged to 'honour' that part that is enjoying it. Possibly they don't/won't interpret your request in the way that you want them to see it.

 

I hope that isn't the case. I don't want them to see the site. That's a part of my personal life they aren't privvy to anymore.

 

I think what is happening to you illustrates the power of NC.

When you have a relationship with someone and then cut them out of your life- that person will embrace the silence as rejection. It doesn't matter who left who- that silence speaks volumes, and it has a big impact.

 

I've broken up with people before- and it's effected me to endure their silence.

 

I suspect the viewing of your site has to do with feeling rejected. They can't get any validation from you personally because you won't speak to them... so they go to the next best thing and view your life through your blogs.

 

Ugh. Why do they even need validation from me. They had a choice to be with me and rejected it. So why on earth does it matter if they receive validation from me?

 

Remember me asking why my ex was hitting up my myspace page Caliguy? I ask the same questions? Why do they want to keep tabs on us, why after deciding we werent' good enough for us do they want to know what we are up to?

 

I think some of it has to do with still have feelings. Maybe they are confused on whether they made the right choice or not. Either way, they made a choice and I really wish they would honor it and leave me alone.

 

Are you in any, small, tiny, microscopic way reinforcing their behavior? I mean even in any teeny tiny little way?

People that are obsessed will take any little, tiny crumb of bread and make a whole loaf out of it.

 

The reason why I ask this, is for the most part, we all like to try to let them down softly, which never works because it gives them some kind of false hope. Maybe when you broke it off, somehow they got the message that you'd still be interested in being friends or whatever.. the small crumb.

 

Sometimes it's necessary to be a complete as$hole to get someone off your back. Nobody wants to be that ass$hole, or to be hated by anyone in general, but if it's really bad you might have to literally tell them to F-off and not be nice about it at all. my ex did that to me and it worked. She was so horrible to me the last time we talked that i'll never forget it, and it's helped me maintain NC for 4 months now.

 

I hate her. She doesn't care. Life moves on either way.

 

I don't hate either of them. Hate is such a strong word. I just want them to stay out of my life and my business. The web site existed before I met them, it was never intended as a way for them to keep tabs on me. I personally believe that if I'm not good enough for you in any way, then you should stick to that belief and forget about me.

 

I don't care if they care about me anymore. I just want them to go away and let me live my fun and happy life without having them be a part of it. It's my belief that if you walk away, you should STAY away

 

Maybe I am an ********* about it. Maybe I need to be more firm and write the 22 year old a letter explaining that she was blocked for a reason....

[Ronni_W]

It's my belief that if you walk away, you should STAY away

That makes sense. Maybe what's ultimately causing frustration/confusion is that THEY do not at all seem to share your belief about that? They're acting from some other belief(s) about what 'walking away' means, and how one acts thereafter. THEIR actions would only be informed and guided by your belief IF they believed the same thing.

[CaliGuy]

That makes sense. Maybe what's ultimately causing frustration/confusion is that THEY do not at all seem to share your belief about that? They're acting from some other belief(s) about what 'walking away' means, and how one acts thereafter. THEIR actions would only be informed and guided by your belief IF they believed the same thing.

 

But I made it clear to them they're not welcome in my life anymore.

[Leia]

They are just obsessed with you. There is nothing you can do about people that are obsessed with other people.

 

To add ~ I don't get why exs do that. It's creepy.

[vivrantflo]

1. Why won't they stop?

2. Why, after knowing they are not wanted and blocked, do they continue to visit?

3. If I send them an email asking them to stop, why won't they?

 

1. They still find your life interesting. They enjoy the updated pictures and your blogs. Plus the fact that you told the first ex not to visit and blocking the 22 year old, makes them want to visit even more.

 

2. For some weird reason I guess it excites them. Your first ex still wants to keep tabs on your life. I don't know why.. I've never dumped a woman and then proceeded to follow their lives via internet. The 22 year old is 22 years old. She would be more inclined to follow your life while dating someone else, cause 22 year olds are more fickle than anything. And you know women Caliguy.. when you tell them to door not to do something, they automatically want to defy.

 

3. Your first woman won't stop cause she has somewhat of an attachment to you still.. she'll never forget you, nor want to forget you, so no matter what you say or do, she'll keep tabs on you till goodness knows when. The 22 year old won't stop because that website is pretty much the only contact she can have with you due to the fact that you ignore her at work. That's her problem.. let her pine.

 

I know these women hitting your site is making you wonder why, but your best bet is to ignore their hits. There's absolutely NO WAY you are EVER going to understand what is going on in the mind of a woman.. especially an immature 22 year old.

 

 

 

But that's not the point. I am so much more curious about the human psychology behind this when it comes to Exs and me. Why is it that I do not meet a certain criteria for them but yet they won't stay out of my life?

 

When I dump someone, that's it. I don't check on them anymore. I am not curious about their lives. What's done is done and you move on. I leave them alone to heal and for me to heal.

 

I'm telling you, stop trying to figure out how these women think. It's impossible. Most of the time, they don't even know what they're thinking/feeling.

 

Women spend the majority of their dating lives as dumpers. Of course women get dumped, but it's no secret that dumping is predominantly done by women. So there must be some criteria for being a female dumper that we just won't understand. And im happy with that

 

 

 

Also, if you think I should write the 22 year old and tell her to stop, I am curious about what should or should not be said.

 

I would not bother writing this girl. You two do not have much history, so she'll eventually stop. If you write, she may take your letter as "oh, since I didn't get my way, you're not allowed to look at my website anymore! So there!" You don't want to come off like that.

 

Just stay one step ahead of them both. Treat yourself to some ice cream, knowing that there are two women that have entered your life, and can't seem to get rid of you completely.. while you are living it up.

[CaliGuy]

They are just obsessed with you. There is nothing you can do about people that are obsessed with other people.

 

Ugh, that is what I don't understand. I think I was a great boyfriend to both of them but if I am not "relationship" material to them, why would they be that obessive. I don't track my ex's. I don't call them, I don't write them (except to say bugger off, lol).

 

To add ~ I don't get why exs do that. It's creepy.

 

You know, it kind of creeps me out too. Considering both of them view my site on a regular basis from their boyfriend's houses. I mean if I was dating a girl and she was obsessing over a guy she dumped, I'd kick her to the curb. If I am not enough to capture your undivided attention, you're not the one for me.

 

I'm just an average guy. No better or worse than anyone else. I am not perfect. I have flaws. Why the heck would would my ex's stalk me? Someone once said "it's no different than them waiting by the phone for you to call" (in reference to them visiting the site so often).

 

I am starting to believe that. For me, NC from me means I don't want you contacting me or keeping tabs on me either.

[Art_Critic]

Before we start:

We don't need to rehash why I track my web site visits.

We don't need to rehash why I won't PW protect the site.

We don't need to rehash why I want to keep my life out of the eyes of ex girlfriends.

Caliguy.. I see that you don't want to rehash anything..

 

I noticed that your responses to people's posts where they answer your 3 questions are really just rehashing the old stuff that has been hashed once before..

 

I'm quoting all of your responses..

 

It's pretty often. Same patterns. They read the blog and view photos. I had some photos of me and a new "friend" and the hits went ballistic after that.

 

Yet if I ignore her at work, she hits the site double-time. She's still dating her new guy as well. Why would she care if I was available?

 

Gotcha, thanks.

 

Asking them to honor their decision would encourage them to continue to try and press my buttons? For what purpose??? That is what I don't understand.

 

I hope that isn't the case. I don't want them to see the site. That's a part of my personal life they aren't privvy to anymore.

 

Ugh. Why do they even need validation from me. They had a choice to be with me and rejected it. So why on earth does it matter if they receive validation from me?

 

I think some of it has to do with still have feelings. Maybe they are confused on whether they made the right choice or not. Either way, they made a choice and I really wish they would honor it and leave me alone.

 

I don't hate either of them. Hate is such a strong word. I just want them to stay out of my life and my business. The web site existed before I met them, it was never intended as a way for them to keep tabs on me. I personally believe that if I'm not good enough for you in any way, then you should stick to that belief and forget about me.

 

I don't care if they care about me anymore. I just want them to go away and let me live my fun and happy life without having them be a part of it. It's my belief that if you walk away, you should STAY away

 

Maybe I am an ********* about it. Maybe I need to be more firm and write the 22 year old a letter explaining that she was blocked for a reason....

 

But I made it clear to them they're not welcome in my life anymore.

 

Ugh, that is what I don't understand. I think I was a great boyfriend to both of them but if I am not "relationship" material to them, why would they be that obessive. I don't track my ex's. I don't call them, I don't write them (except to say bugger off, lol).

 

You know, it kind of creeps me out too. Considering both of them view my site on a regular basis from their boyfriend's houses. I mean if I was dating a girl and she was obsessing over a guy she dumped, I'd kick her to the curb. If I am not enough to capture your undivided attention, you're not the one for me.

 

I'm just an average guy. No better or worse than anyone else. I am not perfect. I have flaws. Why the heck would would my ex's stalk me? Someone once said "it's no different than them waiting by the phone for you to call" (in reference to them visiting the site so often).

 

I am starting to believe that. For me, NC from me means I don't want you contacting me or keeping tabs on me either.

 

I understand your need for NEW information.. I just don't know what to say anymore.. it seems like you yourself are just rehashing stuff..

Sorry

 

I do think you examine those logs only to see their hits.. sorry.. I'm an IT person too and as important as logs are there is no need to scrub them each day or all the time unless I was looking for something.. as you are.. you are looking for your ex's hitting your page..

 

Stop checking the logs and the problem goes away.. I hope that isn't rehashing advice...

[Leia]

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'd just leave it at that though. You know they are not worth your time so let it go. I had an ex that was so obsessed with me and my life. I was like you, always wanted to know what the hell is up with him checking on me but he wasn't worth my energy or mind!

 

You know, it kind of creeps me out too. Considering both of them view my site on a regular basis from their boyfriend's houses.

 

Could it be that their boyfriends that are viewing your site??

[Nevermind]

I agree with Art...

 

In a certain way you're interested in them still as well. You check the logs to see if any visitor matches their patterns, you keep thinking about it, you mail them to stop. And you keep checking and checking.

 

It's similar, really. Why do you care if they still care?

 

@Original questions

 

They made it a habit. There was the initial, human, interest in knowing how you were doing. Then they didn't stop when they should have. And now it's a habit. Some people check perezhilton and your exes check you.

[CaliGuy]

Caliguy.. I see that you don't want to rehash anything..

 

I noticed that your responses to people's posts where they answer your 3 questions are really just rehashing the old stuff that has been hashed once before..I understand your need for NEW information.. I just don't know what to say anymore.. it seems like you yourself are just rehashing stuff..

Sorry

 

I do think you examine those logs only to see their hits.. sorry.. I'm an IT person too and as important as logs are there is no need to scrub them each day or all the time unless I was looking for something.. as you are.. you are looking for your ex's hitting your page..

 

Stop checking the logs and the problem goes away.. I hope that isn't rehashing advice...

 

I had been checking the logs long before they came along. It's habitual really. I DO, no matter how much you do not believe me, enjoy seeing where people come from who visit my site. What started as a "check to see which bandwidth leechers are taking all my bandwidth" has grown to enjoying where the hits are coming from.

 

If I really wanted to know about them in particular, I would have set up IP alerts.

 

Yeah, I get what you're saying. I'd just leave it at that though. You know they are not worth your time so let it go. I had an ex that was so obsessed with me and my life. I was like you, always wanted to know what the hell is up with him checking on me but he wasn't worth my energy or mind!

 

Could it be that their boyfriends that are viewing your site??

 

I had considered that but neither of them know about my site unless they told them. And I can't think of one good reason why they would do that.

[CaliGuy]

I agree with Art...

 

In a certain way you're interested in them still as well. You check the logs to see if any visitor matches their patterns, you keep thinking about it, you mail them to stop. And you keep checking and checking.

 

It's similar, really. Why do you care if they still care?

 

When I ponder this question, I keep coming back to the fact that I feel like if I am not "good enough" for someone, I really don't want them to poke around in my life.

 

The obession isn't with who is looking as much as it is simply to keep those I don't want in my life OUT of it.

 

I know that may not make sense to some. I have a boundary and am simply trying to let them know they are over-stepping it.

 

@Original questions

 

They made it a habit. There was the initial, human, interest in knowing how you were doing. Then they didn't stop when they should have. And now it's a habit. Some people check perezhilton and your exes check you.

 

 

But that's the thing. I don't want them doing it. It bothers the crap out of me.

[Nevermind]

But that's the thing. I don't want them doing it. It bothers the crap out of me.

 

 

You can't control the feelings and dealings of other people.

 

One example:

It bothers the hell out of me when somebody stares at my butt.

Now, I could either ignore this or hide my behind under different clothing. I cannot make anybody stop looking.

 

You cannot change their minds or habits. You can only change yours.

 

Maybe you should go NC with your logs for a while.

[Art_Critic]

I had been checking the logs long before they came along. It's habitual really. I DO, no matter how much you do not believe me, enjoy seeing where people come from who visit my site. What started as a "check to see which bandwidth leechers are taking all my bandwidth" has grown to enjoying where the hits are coming from.

 

If I really wanted to know about them in particular, I would have set up IP alerts.

 

 

Then why not set the software to ignore and not catalog those hits from the logs ?

 

Easy peasy... 30 secs and you never ever see hits from them again...

 

or.. even take it a step further.. tell the webserver to not track the hits of those ip's.. no different than blocking someone on IM..

 

There are 2 ways I just gave you that with no energy would eliminate them from your life and you still get to scrub your logs

[CaliGuy]

Then why not set the software to ignore and not catalog those hits from the logs ?

 

Easy peasy... 30 secs and you never ever see hits from them again...

 

or.. even take it a step further.. tell the webserver to not track the hits of those ip's.. no different than blocking someone on IM..

 

There are 2 ways I just gave you that with no energy would eliminate them from your life and you still get to scrub your logs

 

Is this a .htaccess function? Could I get the hits to not show up AND automatically send them to another site?

 

HAHA. I just thought of something. Maybe I could send their hits directly to a porn site.

 

I bet THAT would cure their obession with my page!!! haha.