Another MIL Issue

[FlyingToaster]

Hello All,

Yes, I know. Not another MIL issue from FlyingToaster . Well, sorry.

 

For those that haven't yet been sucked in to my posts before, let me give you a little background. My H and I live in his hometown along with our 2 year old son. Along with us, my MIL and BIL and wife live in this town as well. It's a small town with little variety, and a lot of people who know your business.

 

My MIL is very emotionally dependent. Okay, she's also 87 years old, but she had the dependency issue most of her life, not just now. It got even worse after my FIL passed away (whom I never met). My H calls her at least once a day when he's working (every other week), and when he's home, they talk 2 - 3 times/day and he goes in to visit her every day. This is a touchy subject with my H and I. Quite often we have dropped whatever we're doing so that he can go in and see her. At times we all go, but I limit that because I don't want her expecting us to do that all the time (and believe me, she would).

 

Two weeks ago yesterday she left my H a voicemail saying that she was going in to see the doctor about severe back pain. My H was naturally concerned so he went in to assist her in getting to the appointment, etc. They were concerned that it was her back so they took X-rays. They prescribed her pain medication and sent her home.

 

She wasn't feeling any better the next day so my H took her back to see her doctor. They thought that maybe it was an infection (it was a Saturday so the lab results wouldn't be known until Monday) so they prescribed her an antibiotic.

 

During this time my H and I were getting ready for approx. 15 ppl, mostly family, to come and attend cookouts at our house 3 nights in a row. I was doing all the food prep, and getting our things packed for a 4 day excursion that his whole family goes to the day after the last cookout. It sucked not having my H to help with things, but I knew that it was more important for him to help out his mom.

 

The pain medication hasn't been helping, and yesterday (2 weeks since the first appointment) she contacted her doctor again. He has scheduled her for an Epidural Steroid Injection on Tuesday. Hopefully this will alleviate her pain and make her more mobile. Because of her age and her lifestyle, which didn't consist of exercising (wasn't appropriate for women of her generation), she has a textbook case of osteoporosis.

 

These issues are happening more and more. I realize they will occur more frequently because of her age, so I'm sympathetic to them. What is really frustrating is that with every person she talks to, she doesn't tell them everything. We end up calling each other and relaying what we know. Our conversations are usually riddled with "She never told me that," or, "She never mentioned that at all." I believe that part of that is dealing with the pain, but I suspect that it could also be a little bit of dementia, (she's 87, 'ya know), and a little bit of game playing for attention on her part. I definitely wouldn't put the latter past her. Also, even though she gets orders from the doctor, she doesn't always follow them because she also leaves certain things out when she talks with them and she feels that she still knows best about some things. What is also ridiculous is that she'll call us to tell us she's in this incredible pain, and then go to get her hair done. Here we are calling and getting concerned because we can't get a hold of her, and she's actually left the house.

 

My SIL (oldest child in the family) and I really feel that she needs some type of assistance, whether it be a healthcare professional coming to her house to help her daily, or moving her to an Assisted Living facility. I feel that either one of these options will still allow her to have her independence. I really feel Assisted Living is the way to go because they always have medical professionals available to check on and help out the residents. Plus there would always be people around to socialize with. If she lived there, at least she'd most likely have people to talk to at any time as opposed to coming home to an empty house with her current situation.

 

Unfortunately, my H is still opposed to these options. It was drilled into him and his brothers (he also has a twin) that they were to take care of their mother. He interprets this as sacrificing any time with his wife and child to take care of her. What was kind of funny (and sad) was that when he left for work this last time, he asked if I thought our son missed him. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he probably didn't because he doesn't spend enough time with him when he's home to make our son seek him out. I think for now our son looks at his daddy as 'That guy that comes and stays with us for a little while'.

 

Am I wrong to think this way about the Assisted Living? I feel that just because we're family we shouldn't have to be at her beck and call every time she has an issue. I also feel that her issues are now becoming such that medical/homecare professionals are better suited to deal with them. I'm not saying I'd just let them take care of it all and not visit, but I don't want to be attempting to lift her and transporting her to her appointments while trying to take care of my son.

 

I know I'm probably coming across as selfish. Part of it for me is that I'm just not used to having people SO dependent. Most of the women in my life are very comfortable being by themselves. My mother was alone with me and my 2 siblings most of the time we were growing up because my father's job kept him away from home. Now that they're both retired, I think she sometimes wishes he'd go back to work! One women I know is 95 years old, has macular degeneration, and is still living on her farm. Of course, she has ppl checking on her, but it's not because she's expecting them to. She's very content to be alone. Even my ex-MIL doesn't just sit around and expect ppl to attend to her. She finds a way to do it herself.

 

So, any suggestions would be appreciated. I can't say that I will agree with all of them, but that's what LS is all about, and I'm bracing myself for that. Thanks.

 

Take Care

[porter218]

I know you don't want to hear this but I think it is time for you to move her into your house. She is going to become more and more difficult as she gets older. If you can't beat 'em...join 'em. Admit it , you know that will work.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for the reply, Porter. It's been understood that she will not be living with us.

 

In addition to that, my H is home only 50% of the time and I don't feel comfortable taking care of her and our 2 year old son. Also, we have a house that's already too small for us, so she wouldn't have a room of her own. Plus, as her need for more medical attention increases, I don't feel that it should be our responsibility to take care of that. I truly wouldn't feel comfortable with it either.

 

Take Care

[porter218]

OK...well perhaps it is time to start investigating retirement homes. Some of them seem almost like a resort. I wouldn't be opposed to going to one of the nicer ones when I get old. However you are probably up for a fight when it comes to getting the whole family to agree. Sorry to hear your H isn't home often...that must be hard when raising a 2 yr old to have a sometimey parent.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for your input, Porter. I was on the phone with my H earlier this evening (he's working right now) and he does feel that assisted living is the way to go. There isn't one here in town. The closest is approx. 23 miles away. We're hopefully going to check it out this week.

 

I really think she will enjoy living there. She gets so lonely, especially when she comes home to an empty house. Since there will always be somebody around, she'll have other people to talk to and keep her company.

 

It's not so bad having my H gone. There are times when it seems like 3 or more things have to be done at once (we also have 2 dogs), and it would be nice to have another capable adult around. But, I manage. To be honest, I get more things done when he's gone then when he's home.

 

Take Care

[Ronni_W]

Flying,

Yes, assisted living will take a great deal of stress and burden off the her children and their families. Don't count on her "enjoying" it, though -- she may have to deal with feelings of being discarded/abandoned, uncared for, etc. (Given her age and possibly deteriorating mental capacity, those would be "reasonable" feelings for her even though also inaccurate.)

 

For that reason (that she might experience such feelings), it would be a good idea for your husband and his siblings to do the research, talk to her about it, take her to visit the facilities, etc. -- that way, you and the other in-laws aren't setting yourselves up for being "wrongly accused" of being the ones to put her in a home. (Again, that'll be a function of her age/mental state BUT you may as well alleviate potential hard feelings if you can.)

 

 

On a separate note, my feeling is that it would be okay to gently and lovingly let Dad know that his 2-year old may well be missing his dad's love, affection and attention. It is incredibly draining (emotionally, mentally and physically) being the "sandwich generation" but the affected daddies and mommies must implement ways of coping without taking away from the little ones.

 

Best of luck -- I hope the closest seniors' residence does turn out to be a good facility...with a short wait list, if any.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for the suggestions, Ronni. The subject of Assisted Living has come up many times with my MIL ever since she broke her hip just after our son was born 2 years ago. She has friends that are living in such facilities, so she has an idea of what they're all about, and reports have been positive. Still, I know it's going to be difficult, not just on her, but my husband and his siblings.

 

My SIL has been the one to bring the topic up, and she's been accused of wanting to "throw Mother into a nursing home". That's not the case. I see her as dealing with the realities of life better than the rest of them. What amazes me is that they accuse her of being bossy, cold, etc., but yet who's the first one they call when they have somebody who needs a tongue lashing? When my SIL was in college, she got a call from her father telling her that when she comes home for the weekend, she'd have to tell her maternal grandmother that she needed to go into a nursing home. When my BIL (H's twin) was having problems in his first marriage, my H calls up sis' and told her what BIL's wife was putting him through, so she calls her up and reads her the riot act. My SIL was, in all actuality, the Mother of the house when my H was growing up. She's actually 14 years older than him. My MIL had problems even back then so SIL stepped in and packed everybody's bags for vacations, came home from college every weekend to clean the house, etc.

 

I know that's going off-topic. I just wanted to give examples of this family's dynamics.

 

As far as my son missing his Daddy, I still believe that part of it is our son's age, but I truly believe the bigger reason is my H's lack of involvement with his son. Part of it is tending to his Mother, but bigger parts of it are the issues my H has. I don't want to go into that as it's best suited for a different forum (I actually posted severall months ago but got no replies).

 

I'm getting off the subject again. Sorry. Thanks for your support.

 

Take Care

[Ronni_W]

Yes, my (former) SiL is going through the same thing -- the "boys" expect Sis to take care of an ailing, aging and demanding mom on a daily basis, and cannot see how stressful and depleting that is on her and her own family.

 

I also know about being the over-responsible "child" in a family -- that was me, due to the dysfunctional dynamics in my own family . Your SiL will likely have a difficult time getting out of the role because, of course, everyone ELSE is just used to dumping their problems and getting them solved.

 

I hear what you're saying about Hubby's own issues getting in the way of how he parents. But since he asked you about it, perhaps he is becoming...???...maybe a bit more sensitive/aware of the matter? If he brings it up again, perhaps your expressing that his concerns are valid may inspire him to start taking (baby) steps towards resolving his own issues. One never knows but can always hope, right?

 

Have a happy Sunday,

Ronni