Worst birthday? I need you.

[toself]

I was born on the 15th of August, 1991. On the 7th of April 2008, I found my girlfriend, Maria. We've known each other for several years, and we've grown very close. The relationship got a bit one-sided after a while, but I tried to do something with it. It worked quite well. We've been together for 4 months or so, now. Now, before I go on, there are other things to mention.

 

First off, the relationship between me and my father. After I turned 12 or so, he's been treating me just.. too bad. For instance, he disabled Internet access for my PC, but not for my brother's. And don't think he got me a PC. I got one through some organization for school use (I have exzem). My almost-four-year younger brother got one, though. For his birthday.

 

Also, my brother was given money to buy a brand new cell-phone, cause the one he had broke. Mine broke a couple of weeks later, but I got nothing. Those are just a few examples, though. Especially earlier in life, he wouldn't hesitate to be physically violent against me. It has also happened this year. Earlier in life, I would cry because of the physical pain. Lately, I've been crying myself to sleep over the situation itsself.

 

He ALWAYS puts himself over others (especially me). He's a lazy man. My mom does most of the work that needs to be done around here. Sometimes, when she's at work, he tells him to do simple tasks like "do the dishes", and such. He most often asks me to do it. Sometimes, I say things like "Weren't you supposed to do it?", but it's never a good idea. He gets mad, and says something weird like "No, 'cause I told you to do it". If I keep discussing, he punishes me in some way.

 

Now comes the important part of this post; what's bothering me right now. After me and Maria got together, things were all fine. I rarely thought of my dad obviously hating me, and I didn't cry myself to sleep anymore. But also, she was more than a cure for my pain. To me, she was the perfect girlfriend.

 

Then, just lately, we started arguing. Was rather big, but we got over it. It's not necessary to go into details on that, since it's over. I wanna tell you about this specific situation that I'll never forget. I was going away for about a week, and so was she. She was going abroad, I wasn't. Anyways, we were together that last night, to say goodbye. We talked and had fun, and before we went home, we hugged.

 

She put my arms around me, forgetting I had a backpack on. We both laughed, and I told her that was something I'd remember. We talked a bit, kissed, went home (seperate houses). I was really happy to have been able to leave in such a good mood. But time went. We talked some on the phone. All seemed fine.

 

Until I got home. She got home the day after me. I was grounded by my dad.. again, a very unecessary punishment. So I called her the day she got home. Someone else answered the phone. I heard Maria's voice in the background. Sounded like she was having fun, and she didn't wanna talk. She also said rude things to me at that point.

 

After that, we have barely spoken. I've tried several times. When I call her, she says things like "Why are you calling me?" etc. I've asked her what's wrong, but she says she doesn't wanna tell me about it.. yet. So I asked "When?", and she said "Never, I think". So, there's a problem, but she doesn't want to tell me about it. I've tried every way. I even went to her house. But she wanted me to leave, so I did.

 

Again, I'm drawn into that depressing spiral. I don't want to leave her, even though it seems right at certain times. I still live with hope. But she ruins it each time I talk to her. If I ask her what she wants to do with this, she's like "I don't know". And it doesn't even seem like she cares. So, it is really heart-breaking, but I don't want to give up.

 

In my last attempt to fix this, I told her this (on msn, she didn't want to talk on phone): "Alright, I'll leave you alone to think until you contact me". I really hope this works out. I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night lately, and I also cry alot through daytime. I am a boy, but not really ashamed of crying.

 

My birthday is in 5 days. That's what makes it all even more sad. It reminds me of good times, and then my brain compares it with today, somehow. It makes me wanna cry.

 

So, I'm wondering.. what can I do to repair the relationship? Not just the relationship with my girlfriend, but also the one with my father. I'm tired of everything, and I urge to find a solution. I never thought I'd use a forum like this in a serious way, but hey, look at me.

 

All replies are highly appreciated. I need you.

[Suiyobi]

Obviously, something happened. But as to what? Who knows... Giving her some time off is a good idea, I would have done the same. As for you, what you need to do is get your mind to focus on other things. I know it's easier said than done but seriously you can't afford to feel depressed now especially since your birthday is right around the corner. Go out and spend time with your friends or finish old projects.

[Ronni_W]

I agree with Suiyobi that going 'no contact' with Maria may help the situation. Not that it will be easy to do, or that the long-term outcome will be in your favour but, given her current attitude and actions, it does seem to be the best option.

 

 

I am sorry for your negative experiences with your Dad. You do not deserve to be treated in ways that cause you to feel badly about yourself. Usually it turns out that parents who act like that are suffering from their own limiting beliefs, wrong thinking and unhealed emotions -- they end up taking it out on one or more of their kids, even though their "stuff" HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! They don't have self-awareness and are using dysfunctional coping skills that cause other people pain and harm.

 

Is there a time that you could sit down with your Dad and tell him that how he has been treating you makes you feel as if he does not really like or love you very much, and ask if there is some way that the two of you can work together to improve your relationship.

 

Or, if you can't talk with your dad, is there an aunt or uncle in whom you can confide, and ask for guidance or even just to be present when you do try to talk with your dad? (I am assuming that there is some reason that you've not already talked to your mom, and asked for her insight and assistance.)

 

At 17, you can offer to help your mom with all sorts of household chores...NOT because your dad is asking/demanding that you do it but because it is a normal, responsible thing to contribute to the household in which you live.

 

The other thing is that you are also getting to an age where you need to focus on your own best interests, become aware of your own inner strengths, values, needs, desires and goals, and start working towards acquiring the information, insight and skills to fulfill your own needs and wants. (What do you need from yourself, to achieve your life goals? How are you going to learn the skills and knowledge? When are you going to start acquiring those? You may already have a clear idea of who you are and who you want to be, of course. If not, it's a great time to start getting clear about that.)

 

In that way, you can view your upcoming birthday for what it also represents: An opportunity for you to take a giant step towards your happy and successful future -- where you are self-assured and self-reliant, and totally like and love yourself no matter what others are doing to, or saying about, you.

 

Sending hugs and good wishes...today, on your birthday, and for the future

[toself]

It's heart-warming to see that this forum is just what my first-impression told me. It is kind of absurd to realise that the Internet can improve my self-esteem and mood in general, but I'm thankful. You two have given me good advice, and contributed with something that will make the future easier for me. I've done this before, having personal problems, but it was in the off-topic section of an entirely different forum. The replies was far from this helpful, and some people were even rude towards me, telling me I was just "whining". You seem to understand my case, and you make me become more clear over what's going on with myself and people around me.

 

I feel better already, and I believe this will affect me for the better. It's obvious that you are experienced individuals, and I wish you all good in life for helping me with this. It really means a lot to me. If anyone has more advice, I'd appreciate it. But I've already been put back on the right track. I'll let you know how this goes, but I'm quite sure you've helped a lot.

 

So, thank you very much!

[Ronni_W]

I was born on the 15th of August, 1991.

HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY!!!

 

I know that you have everything you need to make this a special day for yourself -- so do what you must do, to make it positive and memorable. And keep in mind the saying: "TODAY is the first day of the rest of your life" ...so make it count, why not?

 

Sending birthday hugs and wishes for a wonderful, happy and successful future -- where you are self-assured and self-reliant, and totally like and love yourself and the life that you are now starting to create for yourself