Does The Sex really Stop between MM and W when they tell you it does?

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi - I am quite new to the forum and am finding so much of the information on here fantastic. It's really helping me try and sort my life out knowing that I am not alone.

I am in the process of trying to break away from my MM. Getting my head there to do NC. It is very very hard.

Lately I have been thinking over everything and all of the things- 'Promises' he has said to me over the past 9 months. How we would be together, we will have children one day, our house together. Lately alot of that has calmed down - he still says it but not as often. Honestly, I think he has tried to calm the situation down by not saying these things as much so I stop 'pressuring' him into leaving. Whatever I guess. I am a complete mess at the moment. My other thread explains more about our situation.

 

Just wanted to know - since this is a situation I find so hard to cope with - do people really believe that MM stop sleeping with their W and stay in the 'spare room'?

My MM tells me exactly that and has even at times told me to txt him anytime during the nite if I 'need' him. Is this his way of saying I'm not sleeping in the same bed as his W. Friends of mine have been over their house for a visit and told me that their is a spare room and he told them this is 'where I sleep'

 

Do they really stop sleeping with their W and start sleeping in the spare room, or was I just a fool to believe him again? And if MM don't stop sleeping with their W - how could they do this to her? Put her through hell of giving her false hope. My MM says he would never give his W false hope and wants her to see that the Marriage is over before he leaves???? Are these all just classic lines MM use as well? Just wondering what other situations are out there and how people coped?

[dreamy1945]

My MM told me that he and his wife hadn't slept together in years. That he just couldn't perform with her anymore and didn't have the desire. Well I really didn't bellieve him until his W found out about us and said in front of him that they had not had sex in years! Shocked but it could be true.

[bentnotbroken]

As a BS I can tell you it was a lie. We had sex often before he went to her and sometimes afterward(I didn't know this of course)We weren't in separate bedrooms. And even when he pissed me off and I did go to a different room he would come in to persuade me to come to bed. If I didn't he would crawl in with me.

[stoopid_guy]

I do not have sex with my wife (her choice at first, now mutual consent.) We do sleep in the same bed though. She doesn't want our daughter to think anything is unusual, she's all about appearances.

 

I didn't start having affairs until well after. So true in my case, at least.

[LadyDi]

I'm certain he still as sex with his wife.

[Lookingforward]

As a BS I can tell you it was a lie. We had sex often before he went to her and sometimes afterward(I didn't know this of course)We weren't in separate bedrooms. And even when he pissed me off and I did go to a different room he would come in to persuade me to come to bed. If I didn't he would crawl in with me.

 

no, you can't..all you can say is that in YOUR case it was a lie.

[stoopid_guy]

I'm certain he still as sex with his wife.

How can you be certain?

[sprintjulia]

My MM states that he has not had sex with his W for this entire year.

I find it hard to believe also. I don't know how I could verify that.

[trubella]

I find it hard to believe also. I don't know how I could verify that.

 

talk to the wife:)

[Lizzie60]

Hi.. I would say that in some cases it's true.. one guy I used to see told me that he had sex once every year or second year... I believe him.. he has absolutely no reason to lie to me...

 

My current MM from work does have sex maybe once or twice a month..

[LadyDi]

How can you be certain?

 

 

Because we discussed it. I had asked if he was having trouble desiring sex/performing at home since we had been seeing each other. He said no. That pretty much summed it up....

[Agent_99]

I think sometimes it's true sometimes it isn't. With my MW I know that they very seldom do. Like a couple times a year. I know this from when I was friends with her partner. Yes it's akward for partner to talk to you about their love life.

 

When I was th BS years ago, XH didn't want it quite as much, but we still did a couple times a week. He did tell his OW that we weren't though.

 

~99

[porter218]

Classic MM lie. My H told the OW we were only together on paper and had not been having sex..blah blah blah. Well the truth was we were very involved in our M together and having sex 2-4 times a day without fail. And we had plenty of future plans together(his plans for us and our family). They just say what they feel is necessary to keep the OW around. When the A was discovered by me, he threw OW under the bus.

[me003]

Classic MM lie. My H told the OW we were only together on paper and had not been having sex..blah blah blah. Well the truth was we were very involved in our M together and having sex 2-4 times a day without fail. And we had plenty of future plans together(his plans for us and our family). They just say what they feel is necessary to keep the OW around. When the A was discovered by me, he threw OW under the bus.

 

 

If you were having sex 2-4 a day, when did he sleep with her? How do you know that he was telling her a lie? Is the A over?

[Angel1111]

Some guys are serial cheaters but they're fairly rare. If your MM is saying those things to you, to the extent he is, it's not likely that he's lying to that degree - although I suppose anything is possible. If he is telling you and others that he sleeps in the spare room, he probably is. But marriages are complicated and even when it's best to leave, it's never easy.

 

You're right to stop pressuring him. His divorce is not a decision you want to be responsible for because it can come back and bite you in the butt. Just stay out of it and let him figure it out. As far as what you should do, that's your choice, but don't do anything that's designed to get a reaction out of him, or to push him to do what you want him to do. If you want to exit the relationship, then do that but just know that if you're this connected to him, NC is not going to last. Maybe just stop the affair and see how that goes.

 

I'm guessing that the reason he doesn't talk about future plans with you as much as he once did is because he may be thinking more about how to undo his current situation. Men are basically one-track focused and tend to go silent when mulling over a problem. It gets even more complicated in situations like this. I would suggest giving him the benefit of the doubt, while not wavering on what your own principles are.

[soda]

Hi - I am quite new to the forum and am finding so much of the information on here fantastic. It's really helping me try and sort my life out knowing that I am not alone.

I am in the process of trying to break away from my MM. Getting my head there to do NC. It is very very hard.

 

Just wanted to know - since this is a situation I find so hard to cope with - do people really believe that MM stop sleeping with their W and stay in the 'spare room'?

My MM tells me exactly that and has even at times told me to txt him anytime during the nite if I 'need' him. Is this his way of saying I'm not sleeping in the same bed as his W. Friends of mine have been over their house for a visit and told me that their is a spare room and he told them this is 'where I sleep'

 

Do they really stop sleeping with their W and start sleeping in the spare room, or was I just a fool to believe him again? And if MM don't stop sleeping with their W - how could they do this to her? Put her through hell of giving her false hope. My MM says he would never give his W false hope and wants her to see that the Marriage is over before he leaves???? Are these all just classic lines MM use as well? Just wondering what other situations are out there and how people coped?

 

It's all B.S. Your friends are getting the same story that he's feeding you. It's a lie.

 

My W told her OM that we'd stopped having sex, too and were sleeping in separate beds, which was absolute nonsense. She was just telling him what he wanted to hear. I did sleep in a separate bed...for two nights, out of consideration, when I had the cough from hell and didn't want to disturb her sleep.

 

You sound like you're starting to comprehend the extent that your OM is trying to manipulate and lie to you.

 

You have a choice to make. I think you know that you need to go NC, but I think you're afraid to.

 

You can delay the inevitable, but please know that OM has no plans to leave his wife. He has been telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

This doesn't make you stupid. It means that you trusted the wrong guy.

 

Start NC now. You will be happier the sooner that you rid yourself of this compulsive liar, self-centered person.

[soda]

Some guys are serial cheaters but they're fairly rare. If your MM is saying those things to you, to the extent he is, it's not likely that he's lying to that degree - although I suppose anything is possible. If he is telling you and others that he sleeps in the spare room, he probably is. .

 

There are degrees of the truth. I can go golfing for the first time ever tomorrow and claim that I'm a golfer.

 

People can SAY anything. There's no way that she can prove him wrong.

 

You need to read CL's other thread. She describes OM as a person who ONLY seems to be thinking of himself.

[Angel1111]

There are degrees of the truth. I can go golfing for the first time ever tomorrow and claim that I'm a golfer.

 

People can SAY anything. There's no way that she can prove him wrong.

 

You need to read CL's other thread. She describes OM as a person who ONLY seems to be thinking of himself.

 

I haven't read her other post so you may be right. And that touches on why these relationships are so turbulent - because one person is always trying to second-guess the other one, but they're continually in the dark. It has to get tiresome and must take a great deal of energy. That's why, instead of trying to figure out and control what another person does, it's best to do what works for yourself and let everything else fall into place.

[Nixson]

The sex between ex-wife and I stopped long before I met OW-turned-SO. What I told her is the truth -- ex-wife and I no longer sleep with each other. We still sleep in the same bed but was there sex? Nil.

 

You'd be surprised how some couples out there that are NOT having sex with their spouses for whatever reasons!

[crystal_lostheart]

I honestly look at my MM and just don't know what to believe anymore. How many lies, excuses and rubbish has come out of his mouth? What is true, what is false - I just don't know. I guess this might be another big lie to keep me. Why not hey?? I guess relationships like these are just built on lies - no foundation to begin with really. Cake eaters

[stoopid_guy]

I honestly look at my MM and just don't know what to believe anymore. How many lies, excuses and rubbish has come out of his mouth? What is true, what is false - I just don't know. I guess this might be another big lie to keep me. Why not hey?? I guess relationships like these are just built on lies - no foundation to begin with really. Cake eaters

It sounds like he's probably lying. Or at best, he hasn't earned your trust. Get out of the relationship. (This the advice of a WS.)

 

In some cases, the WS is looking for a confidant with the OW, someone they can be honest with and share their secrets. I don't think you have one of those though.

[crystal_lostheart]

He will share secrets with me. About his M and all, the problems etc. He complains I don't talk enough about how I'm feeling. It just doesn't sound right to me anymore. I get that 'gut feeling' of not knowing...... Not knowing what is truth and what is lie.

 

I always told him to be honest with me and that if he slept with his wife to tell me - because I would walk. So of course - he would never tell me now if it did happen - would he?? He even jokes around about it sometimes "I was with my wife last night" - then he laughs and says 'Just joking' - I can assume that this is absolute poor behaviour on his behalf and yet I have let him do this.

 

My head is slowly clearing about all of this. Reading this back to myself, sounds like a horrible place to be in, yet I still feel somewhat trapped.... Trying day by day to move on......... without him

[stoopid_guy]

He will share secrets with me. About his M and all, the problems etc. He complains I don't talk enough about how I'm feeling. It just doesn't sound right to me anymore. I get that 'gut feeling' of not knowing...... Not knowing what is truth and what is lie.

 

I always told him to be honest with me and that if he slept with his wife to tell me - because I would walk. So of course - he would never tell me now if it did happen - would he??

Of course not...

 

He even jokes around about it sometimes "I was with my wife last night" - then he laughs and says 'Just joking' - I can assume that this is absolute poor behaviour on his behalf and yet I have let him do this.

There are things you can joke about, but that's not one of them. He has to see what it's doing to you. He's an ass.

 

My head is slowly clearing about all of this. Reading this back to myself, sounds like a horrible place to be in, yet I still feel somewhat trapped.... Trying day by day to move on......... without him

You're not trapped. Move on, and consider it a lesson learned. You're stronger now.

[crystal_lostheart]

thankyou for that advice. I don't know why he jokes about stuff like that sometimes. I guess because i have allowed it....

[Art_Critic]

Crystal...

 

When he jokes about being with his wife I think he really was with his wife..

 

He thinks that by him joking about it it will make it all a joke and be easier for you to believe his lies ( or validate his lies ) that he isn't having sex..

 

Honestly I would consider his jokes a " Tell ".... You know when he jokes about that kind of thing that he is lying..

 

I agree that he is being an ass..