Does The Sex really Stop between MM and W when they tell you it does?

[Angel1111]

You already kinda know how I feel .. but the part I quoted stuck out to me...

 

Hummmm.. there is also another side to this man that you obviously have not seen.. I'll bet his wife has seen it..

 

Yeah, this didn't impress me, either.

[crystal_lostheart]

I know what you are saying TC but if you see in my other threads - I don't try and put myself in that position - he asks me for advice concerning the M and usually I say 'I don't know' and change the topic. Today I didn't I guess. He always tries to get involved in my D and has even at times told me what to say to my husband and sometimes even gets upset when I have spoken to him about our Seperation. The fact is it's hard to take a step back when at times he has cruely joked about sleeping with his wife to me, laughing about it, calling her horrible names to me - all in my other thread again. Then at others times he can be the sweetest guy. He told me he would move out a while ago and never did. Why say it for then - I never told him to say this - Never asked him to leave her - never. He F****S with my head constantly. I don't want to be involved in his marriage woes - I just want him to sort his life out so nobody has to suffer anymore.

[Art_Critic]

The fact is it's hard to take a step back when at times he has cruely joked about sleeping with his wife to me, laughing about it, calling her horrible names to me

 

Pay attention to how he treats his wife right now and the things he says..

 

You are getting a glimpse in the future if you ever marry the man and divorce him.. he will say the same things about you.. heck.. he is saying those things about the mother of his children.. he might say worse things about you in the event of a divorce..

 

Just something to think about..

 

The easiest indicator of future behavior is past behavior..

[GPFan]

Just spoke to MM before. He had a big fight with his W (that's quite normal). She went out Sat nite, came home early in the morning, drunk. He went through her phone last night and everything was erased. He asked her 'what she was up to' and told her 'this is why our marriage is finished'. She pleaded with him that nothing was going on and went in the other room to talk to one of her friends on the phone about it. He heard this - went in and slapped the phone out of her hand. He said to me that's like 'you and me having an arguement and you go tell someone and I can hear you- that's not right'.

Hi Crystal,

 

Seems you have had a glimpse of the other side of this man. The side that reveals his capacity for anger, contempt and jealousy -- a side we all possess as Human Beings.

 

You can view him with more perspective or balance, if you will, now. Do his recent actions line up with what he told you initially? Could he be lying to himself on some level?

[crystal_lostheart]

Yeah, that would have my alarm bells going off, too. If he really wanted to leave her, he would look at this as a golden opportunity to bring it up and act on it. But you never know. He can't be that nuts about her if he's cheating on her. Again, this gets back to second-guessing and what a tangled web marriages are. A lot of guys have a double standard - it's ok for them to cheat but it's not ok for their wives to cheat. If I were you, I would talk to him about it and let him know how his reaction looks from your point of view. Just be prepared that if you don't like his answer, you're going to need to do something about it.

 

I guess the main thing that concerns me is that it seems no matter what he does, because you love him and can't stop letting your emotions control you, you won't walk away from this. That's a very bad position to put yourself in. It's one thing to love someone - but that doesn't mean you have no choice about whether you leave or stay.

 

 

I Know A - this is a very bad place and no doubt I am struggling. But I get those moments of old hope - the old me that was happier before him and I try go with that to build up the courage to walk away. I think starting this new job and going on a holiday without him will do me some good.

[GPFan]

Hummmm.. there is also another side to this man that you obviously have not seen.. I'll bet his wife has seen it..

 

He always tries to get involved in my D and has even at times told me what to say to my husband and sometimes even gets upset when I have spoken to him about our Seperation. The fact is it's hard to take a step back when at times he has cruely joked about sleeping with his wife to me, laughing about it, calling her horrible names to me - all in my other thread again.

Even more is revealed. He is, at times, controlling and mean-spirited. Men like this can wear your very Spirit down after a number of years slowly crushing your self-esteem and self-respect as a means of control.

 

Very difficult to live with long-term.

[Tomcat33]

Crystal you are seeing another side of him that is not good, you are fortunate enough to get a glimpse into how this man handles conflict most people don't get to see this until many years of having spent next to someone. What are you doing with this information? Can it help you in any way? If you are having doubts if alarm bells are going off inside your head, if your gut is talking to you, listen with close attention.

 

I don't blame you for being bothered by how he laughs at his W and how he speaks of her, those are very telling signs of what this man's other side is like. You admit that he is already trying to control you and your D, he gets mad at his W and gets physically violent with her EVEN though he is leaving her, cheating on her and wanting out, he is getting jealous because she may be up to "shinnanigans"? Please think about the big picture there is a reason why this doesn't sit right with you.

 

This could be actions of circumstance or the dynamic that has developed with his W after many years of resentment and back and forth but even if it's something that can be corrected don't expect him NOT to carry over this attitude into a relationship with you unless he is willing to see what he is doing and willing work on it changing that.

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi Crystal,

 

Seems you have had a glimpse of the other side of this man. The side that reveals his capacity for anger, contempt and jealousy -- a side we all possess as Human Beings.

 

You can view him with more perspective or balance, if you will, now. Do his recent actions line up with what he told you initially? Could he be lying to himself on some level?

 

Thanks GPFan - In my other threads you will see that at times his jokes to me are not the nicest and I don't know how to take them. He has admitted to me before some things about his M that have made me think - it sounds like a very unhappy marriage. His whole family knows about his A. Sister, brother - I have even met his mum and dad and his child - which I though was wrong. It all just seems so wrong. Yet like an addict, I have stayed. The past month I am dragging myself out of this hole and believe it or not I have made some progress, no matter how small. Started standing up to him more and not taking his crap. Started trying to go out more and have a life outside of him. Very hard but I know it's something I need to do

[crystal_lostheart]

Thankyou all for your advice. I can't believe I have let my life come to this.

It amazes me how he can be so beautiful to me one day and upset at me the next. He is good at it. People at work think he is a great person. And he absoloutely can be. He has taken care of me in ways nobody else has and he thinks that is enough - for now.

Once when he was trying to leave his W apparently, he took all of his anger and frustration out on me - didn't tell me what it was about - he was just horrible to me that week. When I completely fell into a mess about it, crying at work - that's when he comforted me and told me - "had a bad week - struggling to walk out and I guess we take it out on the people we care about most' - meaning me.... I wanted to slap him

[crystal_lostheart]

I have decided today to go and seek some professional advice with this. Just rang before and made an appointment. A beautiful friend of mine referred this person. I obviously am caught somewhere and am not coping well at all. Reading these responses is also telling me that this is not a good place. I guess whatever it takes to help....

[Art_Critic]

I have decided today to go and seek some professional advice with this.

 

Seeking help from a professional is a great move...

That may very well give you the clarity to your happiness..

[crystal_lostheart]

I think so too AC - I really hope it helps - in the end I guess I'm the one that can only help myself. But talking to a professional outsider I guess will give me more perspective on what I want in life

[Tomcat33]

I have decided today to go and seek some professional advice with this. Just rang before and made an appointment. A beautiful friend of mine referred this person. I obviously am caught somewhere and am not coping well at all. Reading these responses is also telling me that this is not a good place. I guess whatever it takes to help....

 

 

Good move Crystal!!

 

I give you great credit for this is the best course of action you can take right now.

[crystal_lostheart]

Thanks AC and TC - it's a nice feeling knowing that people are caring. I'm happy I made that move to get advice.

[Angel1111]

I think so too AC - I really hope it helps - in the end I guess I'm the one that can only help myself. But talking to a professional outsider I guess will give me more perspective on what I want in life

 

Based on what you're saying, I think this man is abusive and that's the real reason why his marriage is so bad. And I think this abuse is carrying over to you. It doesn't matter that he has sweet moments and comes across as a nice guy. That's the way all abusive men are. And I think he keeps you engaged in his marital problems in order to keep you hooked; because he knows that each time you'll be hoping that THIS fight will be the one that ends it all.

 

Just my observations.

[crystal_lostheart]

A - I have actually thought that myself at times. I believe his W doesn't know any different. Afterall, she has been with him over nearly half her life. I do know different..... trying to wake up to this, trying to read the signs, really am... If I'm getting caught up after 9 months, imagine his W after 17 years????

[Angel1111]

...just wanted to add that I've been around abusive people and if a guy told me that he slapped the phone out of someone's hand, I wouldn't ever go out with him again. When he makes jokes about things that he knows hurt you, he's testing to see how far he can push you, and is showing a complete lack of concern for your feelings.

 

Please don't kid yourself, these are very serious signs. And his grand love for you will never, ever change his behavior. If you think that it won't ever happen because you won't ever provoke him, don't believe it. You don't provoke him into making hurtful jokes, either. These men are very, very dangerous so your mental health and spirit.

[Angel1111]

A - I have actually thought that myself at times. I believe his W doesn't know any different. Afterall, she has been with him over nearly half her life. I do know different..... trying to wake up to this, trying to read the signs, really am... If I'm getting caught up after 9 months, imagine his W after 17 years????

 

Yes, I know how it is because I was involved with someone like this. It's a vicious cycle. Please tread very carefully here - not because I think he's dangerous but because you can get so wrapped up that you won't be able to disentangle yourself. I'm glad you're going to be talking to someone about this. Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

[porter218]

Based on what you're saying, I think this man is abusive and that's the real reason why his marriage is so bad. And I think this abuse is carrying over to you. It doesn't matter that he has sweet moments and comes across as a nice guy. That's the way all abusive men are. And I think he keeps you engaged in his marital problems in order to keep you hooked; because he knows that each time you'll be hoping that THIS fight will be the one that ends it all.

 

Just my observations.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. I think you are doing the right thing by seeking professional help. He has been carefully wrapping you around his finger so that when the day comes that his W wakes up he can move his abuse on to you. Be careful with this man he sounds like he is hiding his scarier side from you for now.

[crystal_lostheart]

Yes, I know how it is because I was involved with someone like this. It's a vicious cycle. Please tread very carefully here - not because I think he's dangerous but because you can get so wrapped up that you won't be able to disentangle yourself. I'm glad you're going to be talking to someone about this. Please keep us posted as to how you're doing.

 

Angel - with you being invoved with someone like this - how did you get out? What made you finally come to that realization that it was a bad place? Enormous strength I imagine.....

[Angel1111]

Angel - with you being invoved with someone like this - how did you get out? What made you finally come to that realization that it was a bad place? Enormous strength I imagine.....

 

Most people call it strength - and it may be. But it was also just a matter of being sick of it and realizing that it was not fixable and it had nothing to do with me. Probably the thing that had the most impact on me was reading a book about abuse that was written by a man who studied thousands of abusive men, and talked about the conclusions he drew from his studies. Those conclusions flipped a switch for me.

 

Also, after my ex blew his stack at me at a family gathering, I knew it was the end of the road. My family was horrified at how he spoke to me and my nephew geared himself up to beat the crap out of him if he made one move toward me. Not only was I completely embarrassed by my ex's behavior but I was also amazed at how much I had gotten used to the way he acted. I will never, ever forget the look on my sister and cousin's faces - long after it happened. They looked as if they had been struck in the face. I remembered that it had once affected me that way and somewhere down the road I had gotten numb to it. He and I were already separated at that point. I filed for divorce shortly after that and never looked back.

 

I want to save you from this nightmare. I want to tell you that Life has given you a gift by keeping this man in his marriage because it keeps him from being completely in your life. I want to tell you that no decent man would ever act threateningly toward a woman. I want to tell you that I really think he was the one out that night and that his wife is the one who got mad and knocked the phone out of his hand. I want you to love yourself so much that you will not let this person any further into your life, and that you'll never let a person like this into your life again. I want to tell you this but I don't know how. I don't know how to make you see who he really is and what he is made of - because he's not showing you most of it. And I want you to see that every kind act, every sweet word from him is part of the abuse cycle designed to keep you there, and that when/if you ever leave him, he will be the most submissive, humble, loving, sweet, insightful man you'll ever meet. But it's not real. I want you to see that love does not make fun of or hurt you intentionally, that it does not abuse ever.

 

How do I say all that to you and help you understand?

[crystal_lostheart]

Angel - Thankyou so much for your kind words - I'm in tears as I type this. I needed to hear this from you. I really did. I am so hurt right now. So ruined. Its been a horrible day.

 

I just had an arguement with him before and told him how damn nasty he can be and how I hate it that he makes me cry. His response 'Well it's not like it's for no reason' meaning usually I have done something wrong for him to make me cry??!!!!

 

He also told me tonight that I need to put on more weight (I have lost alot of weight through the stress of it all) and he told me to stop stressing - like it's just that easy!!?? Is he blind or ignoring my pain with this? Then he messages me just then 'did you get home ok darling'? It plays with my head constantly.

 

It's been a really bad day today. One of my worst....

[Tomcat33]

Angel - Thankyou so much for your kind words - I'm in tears as I type this. I needed to hear this from you. I really did. I am so hurt right now. So ruined. Its been a horrible day.

 

I just had an arguement with him before and told him how damn nasty he can be and how I hate it that he makes me cry. His response 'Well it's not like it's for no reason' meaning usually I have done something wrong for him to make me cry??!!!!

 

He also told me tonight that I need to put on more weight (I have lost alot of weight through the stress of it all) and he told me to stop stressing - like it's just that easy!!?? Is he blind or ignoring my pain with this? Then he messages me just then 'did you get home ok darling'? It plays with my head constantly.

 

It's been a really bad day today. One of my worst....

 

 

Wow Crystal I am so sorry to read this, SO sorry. It seems like typical behaviour that hot and cold jekyl and hide thing of a mental abusive behaviour, that is what keeps the victim hooked. Just when you think you have him figured out and you can start to resent him he does a 180 on you and pushes all the right buttons and reels you in again. This sick cycle he has you on has got to be broken.

 

Look on the bright side Crystal, you can see this you are aware and someone is looking out for you and letting you see these signs so that you don't make a blind mistake. You have no major commitment to this man at this point other than what your heart is telling you. You have a support system here of people that care about you, and you can turn here whenever you need us. You need to build up your strength and the more you do that the more you will see clearly what lays infront of you.

 

Please go through with the therapy even if it sucks the last little peice of life out of you, make yourself do this. Your health is #1 and your wellbeing is the most important thing you will ever have no man is worth all this torture you are putting your poor body through.

[bentnotbroken]

Angel - Thankyou so much for your kind words - I'm in tears as I type this. I needed to hear this from you. I really did. I am so hurt right now. So ruined. Its been a horrible day.

 

I just had an arguement with him before and told him how damn nasty he can be and how I hate it that he makes me cry. His response 'Well it's not like it's for no reason' meaning usually I have done something wrong for him to make me cry??!!!!

 

He also told me tonight that I need to put on more weight (I have lost alot of weight through the stress of it all) and he told me to stop stressing - like it's just that easy!!?? Is he blind or ignoring my pain with this? Then he messages me just then 'did you get home ok darling'? It plays with my head constantly.

 

It's been a really bad day today. One of my worst....

 

 

 

You need to get the hell away from this monster. You will regret it if you don't.

[porter218]

Angel - Thankyou so much for your kind words - I'm in tears as I type this. I needed to hear this from you. I really did. I am so hurt right now. So ruined. Its been a horrible day.

 

I just had an arguement with him before and told him how damn nasty he can be and how I hate it that he makes me cry. His response 'Well it's not like it's for no reason' meaning usually I have done something wrong for him to make me cry??!!!!

 

He also told me tonight that I need to put on more weight (I have lost alot of weight through the stress of it all) and he told me to stop stressing - like it's just that easy!!?? Is he blind or ignoring my pain with this? Then he messages me just then 'did you get home ok darling'? It plays with my head constantly.

 

It's been a really bad day today. One of my worst....

Your waking up. Good! Just hold on to this feeling until you have truly left him alone. You know in your heart that this R is headed downhill fast.