What does he want from me?

[paddington bear]

Hi all, joined this forum in the hope that some of you might be able to shed some light on my situation - I've been reading other 'friends, maybe more' type postings, but am still confused about my particular situation.

 

I have a male friend, met him, was attracted to him, turned out he had a girlfriend, he moved away for a few months, came back single and heartbroken. Got in touch with me. Gave him 3 nights out worth of chances for him to show any interest other than as just a friend. He didn't make a move (and I'm too scaredy-cat to make a move myself), so I thought 'okay, forget about him, not interested, move on'. He proceeded to chase other girls and I took a step right back and kept him at arm's length.

 

He has now stopped the girl chasing (or is at least no longer telling me about it) is single again and is suddenly acting very 'boyfriendy' calling me all the time, telling me personal stuff, wanting to meet me.

 

On our last meeting it was just him and me, if it had been a date the circumstances would have been very romantic, but it was not a date. That night he began to act very strangely, wouldn't look me in the eye, nervous as hell. Then poof! No calls for nearly 2 weeks. Good, I thought, best that we don't see each other so much.

 

I decided in those two weeks, that I had got myself into some kind of horrible friendszone situation and that I have to stop being friends with this person, it doesn't do your self-esteem any good to hang out with a guy who is not attracted to you, you end up going 'how come he likes me, but not in 'that way'?' and instead of concentrating on men who do find you attractive all your attention and time is spent on one who doesn't want you.

 

Of course faced with a call from him and all-out charm offensive instead of pushing him back further I agreed to meet him for a night out and a let's meet and chat type meeting.

 

What I want to know is: What the hell does this guy want from me? From his behaviour is he slowly but surely trying to gain the courage to move things further, or is he just being a 'good friend'? How long do you let someone string you along in the hopes that more would develop? Should I just say 'he's a lost cause' right now and just cut my losses?

 

Any guy's advice on this one would be appreciated.

 

Am I back-burner girl, there in case of emergencies? Am I just a friend who he is in no way attracted to? Or maybe someone to fill the gaps between girlfriends and then will be dropped. If he is interested why has he not made any kind of advance?

 

While I have not made any moves on him, or told him I would like him as more than a friend, I have flirted with him. But...nothing. I should add at this point that I am not the best at flirting with men who I'm attracted to, I get too nervous, so maybe my flirting is more like friendliness and he thinks I've no interest in him at all.

 

I know the obvious answer is to tell him how you feel, but I just can't do it, not at this point in time - it's not that I'm worried about losing him, or the friendship, I just can't take a possible look of horror on his face at the mere suggestion of being with me. Yes I am an utter coward! Rejection is a terrible thing.

 

Thanks in advance for any much needed replies.

[geotaz]

sounds very simular to my situation that i am in atm, cept im the guy lol ive been out with a girl 3 times to cinema and out for dinner, but aint sure if she wants me to make a move go the next step sorta thing, so my advice would be let him know how you feel or make a move on him first if you want too be more than mates that is

[carhill]

To be a good man, he needs to man-up. Maybe his confidence is shot from the last R and he's just interested in superficial contacts and sees you as having R potential but isn't ready for that yet.

 

I'd keep my options open but be receptive to contacts from him. When he's ready, he'll make his intentions known and you can decide whether you're available or not (perhaps having met someone else).

 

IMO, the important thing is to be receptive. Don't over-analyze yourself. By yourself. A healthy R comes from the real you. Good luck!

[Meaplus3]

Hi all, joined this forum in the hope that some of you might be able to shed some light on my situation - I've been reading other 'friends, maybe more' type postings, but am still confused about my particular situation.

 

I have a male friend, met him, was attracted to him, turned out he had a girlfriend, he moved away for a few months, came back single and heartbroken. Got in touch with me. Gave him 3 nights out worth of chances for him to show any interest other than as just a friend. He didn't make a move (and I'm too scaredy-cat to make a move myself), so I thought 'okay, forget about him, not interested, move on'. He proceeded to chase other girls and I took a step right back and kept him at arm's length.

 

He has now stopped the girl chasing (or is at least no longer telling me about it) is single again and is suddenly acting very 'boyfriendy' calling me all the time, telling me personal stuff, wanting to meet me.

 

On our last meeting it was just him and me, if it had been a date the circumstances would have been very romantic, but it was not a date. That night he began to act very strangely, wouldn't look me in the eye, nervous as hell. Then poof! No calls for nearly 2 weeks. Good, I thought, best that we don't see each other so much.

 

I decided in those two weeks, that I had got myself into some kind of horrible friendszone situation and that I have to stop being friends with this person, it doesn't do your self-esteem any good to hang out with a guy who is not attracted to you, you end up going 'how come he likes me, but not in 'that way'?' and instead of concentrating on men who do find you attractive all your attention and time is spent on one who doesn't want you.

 

Of course faced with a call from him and all-out charm offensive instead of pushing him back further I agreed to meet him for a night out and a let's meet and chat type meeting.

 

What I want to know is: What the hell does this guy want from me? From his behaviour is he slowly but surely trying to gain the courage to move things further, or is he just being a 'good friend'? How long do you let someone string you along in the hopes that more would develop? Should I just say 'he's a lost cause' right now and just cut my losses?

 

Any guy's advice on this one would be appreciated.

 

Am I back-burner girl, there in case of emergencies? Am I just a friend who he is in no way attracted to? Or maybe someone to fill the gaps between girlfriends and then will be dropped. If he is interested why has he not made any kind of advance?

 

While I have not made any moves on him, or told him I would like him as more than a friend, I have flirted with him. But...nothing. I should add at this point that I am not the best at flirting with men who I'm attracted to, I get too nervous, so maybe my flirting is more like friendliness and he thinks I've no interest in him at all.

 

I know the obvious answer is to tell him how you feel, but I just can't do it, not at this point in time - it's not that I'm worried about losing him, or the friendship, I just can't take a possible look of horror on his face at the mere suggestion of being with me. Yes I am an utter coward! Rejection is a terrible thing.

 

Thanks in advance for any much needed replies.

 

Sounds like he is just out of a R and if thats the case.. he may not be ready for another R right away. My bet would be he probably needs a good friend right now. I don't think you should tell him how you feel just yet. Be a friend to him and sort of ride things out. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[paddington bear]

thanks all! Geotaz - hope it works out for you! You never know, maybe she's like me hoping against hope that you like her as more than a friend.

 

I guess the reason I am getting so wound up about this, is that I ended up in a strange situation with a male friend before, which ended up really hurting me and I'm trying to avoid a similar outcome here.

 

But all advice is good. I think he is not ready for a relationship. As carhill and meaplus3 said don't do anything yet, be receptive and go out and meet other people and maybe one day...and maybe not. I just feel like a bit of a false friend because I'm attracted to him, so feel like I'm living a lie!

[JoeNewbie]

I personally don't buy the "not ready for relationship" explanation unless there was a big trauma involved.

 

I personally would call a girl regularly for two reasons: either I want to have sex with her, either I want her opinion on some other girl I am interested in.

 

What does talk about when you hang out with him?

 

How about having several drinks and see how he acts?

[nopainnogain]

 

How about having several drinks and see how he acts?

 

yeah,get him drunk

[paddington bear]

As it happens, he rang me last week and wanted to meet me during the week for a chat, we did this, had a couple of beers and a nice night. I am at this moment in my little black dress, plus red lipstick after being invited by him for a night of dancing - it seems we are dating, but not actually dating which is just a typical situation I get myself into ...any attempts at flirting do no good. The man is rock, made of stern stuff obviously, impenetrable, hence my confusion as to what he wants from me.

 

The not ready for a relationship thing was told to me weeks ago and not in relation to me specifically, it was a general comment, this then changed to 'I'm sick of chasing girls just for sex, it's just not me, I'm not that kind of guy'.

 

When together we just tell each other silly stories, make each other laugh, talk about plans for the future (not settling down having kids and white picket fence plans!), just about our lives and mutual acquaintances. He is always complimentary about saying that he enjoys my company, has been trying to help me out with current problems (unasked for) and is, I think, a good man. But he never says 'you look good' or anything like that.

 

When I first met him, there was some definite flirtation going on, and he would say 'wow!' if he saw me dressed up for a night out, then since he split with last proper girlfriend, while he's open and honest and wants to spend time with me, all flirtation on his side has stopped. Perhaps he knows if he gets involved with me it equals a relationship and he's just not going to go there, or doesn't want to casually sleep with me knowing that he would then back off.

 

Against the advice of friends I am going out with him tonight, but I am doing so without any expectations of anything happening, I've more or less given up on him at this stage and can't be bothered to work him out any more - black dress and red lippy is also a confidence boost for me, I want to feel attractive while spending a night with a man who at this point doesn't seem to be attracted to me in 'that way'. Any admiring glances from anyone else in the vicinity will help me not feel like an unwanted, ugly idiot girl.

 

I'm just trying hard not to get myself into the situation where you're yearning after this one guy, who for whatever reasons won't go there with you, and yet I agreed to meet him tonight, so, so much for that...curiosity killed the cat I guess.

 

Joenewbie - calling a girl all the time - this is what has me confused. While I'm happy to have friends in my life, having a now single male friend calling his single female friend all the time, and now wanting to meet up regularly, but still to seem in no way interested in you sexually is a bit of a headwrecker, and doesn't do much for the self-esteem.

 

I dunno, half of me is already thinking just forget about the whole thing, go have fun, dance and don't expect anything to happen, you've a nice male friend, see him as such and make sure to keep my eyes open for someone who wants me as more than a friend. For all I know he just wants company for a night out so he can keep his eyes open for someone else. If that's the case I have my answer I suppose.

 

Anyway, I will keep you all posted - I am suspecting a night of chat, some drinks, dancing and then a double cheek kiss goodbye as we part - AGAIN!!!

[paddington bear]

PS I did get him drunk...he normally doesn't get drunk, a lot of alcohol can be consumed without him getting drunk. Egged on by me he decided to for once get totally legless and ended up puking in the toilets and then going home...bad experiment that one!

[paddington bear]

ok, just in case anyone's interested. We went out, we danced, we did the cheek kiss thing and we went our separate ways as I expected.

 

I then got a phonecall from him and we talked about the night and then got onto other subjects such as the fact that he's actually shy around girls and doesn't know how to make a move on them or chat them up (didn't look like he had any problems to me ).

 

I think that will have to be my last 'date' type night out with him. I did try to go out with no expectations of anything but at one point in the night just found myself so attracted to him and realised that unfortunately I don't have little switch to simply turn that attraction off. Not sure what to do now other than to just subtly avoid him. Out of sight and out of mind and all that. Sigh.

[LovehateLove]

ok, just in case anyone's interested. We went out, we danced, we did the cheek kiss thing and we went our separate ways as I expected.

 

I then got a phonecall from him and we talked about the night and then got onto other subjects such as the fact that he's actually shy around girls and doesn't know how to make a move on them or chat them up (didn't look like he had any problems to me ).

 

I think that will have to be my last 'date' type night out with him. I did try to go out with no expectations of anything but at one point in the night just found myself so attracted to him and realised that unfortunately I don't have little switch to simply turn that attraction off. Not sure what to do now other than to just subtly avoid him. Out of sight and out of mind and all that. Sigh.

 

Lets rewind, now before you do anything hasty, he has told you two important things here. One; he is shy around women and two; he doesn't know how to "act" around women.

 

From what you have typed, I'd say he is interested in you. It sounds like he is having the same problem as you are i.e. a lack of communication. You like him, but you aren't sure if he is into you and he is going through the same scenario; I'll bet my house on it.

 

You might have to come out of your comfort and conventional zone and make the first move, you'll probably be like "waaa", but relax, I'm not suggesting you try and sleep with him. Just hold his hand and see what his reaction is, maybe go in for a kiss (if you are daring enough), either way you'll get your answer and hey, if he doesn't feel the same way, at least you can have closure before moving on.

 

"Regret the things you have done, not the things you wish you did".

[katherinev87]

Lets rewind, now before you do anything hasty, he has told you two important things here. One; he is shy around women and two; he doesn't know how to "act" around women.

 

From what you have typed, I'd say he is interested in you. It sounds like he is having the same problem as you are i.e. a lack of communication. You like him, but you aren't sure if he is into you and he is going through the same scenario; I'll bet my house on it.

 

You might have to come out of your comfort and conventional zone and make the first move, you'll probably be like "waaa", but relax, I'm not suggesting you try and sleep with him. Just hold his hand and see what his reaction is, maybe go in for a kiss (if you are daring enough), either way you'll get your answer and hey, if he doesn't feel the same way, at least you can have closure before moving on.

 

"Regret the things you have done, not the things you wish you did".

 

I was about to say this same exact thing! I totally agree...the comments about being shy and doesn't know how to act about women are super important. He's into you, but just doesn't know how to tell you. If I had a house, I'd bet on it too. lol

 

Are you guys huggers? If you aren't...it may be a good way to introduce different physical contact...who knows...maybe it'll lead to a kiss. If you hug him regularly...I would head directly for a kiss. See how he responds. All of this, of course, when the situation calls for it...say, at the end of the night.

[paddington bear]

Thanks...I was kind of thinking that too, however not too be negative 'I don't want a relationship right now' I think is also a pretty important statement.

 

I've previously heard from a guy 'You don't want to get involved with me I have some serious emotional baggage' - I ignored him and went ahead, thinking all would be fine. Emotional baggage there was indeed. Should have listened.

 

Another friend had an artist boyfriend who said on first getting together 'art will always come before everyone and everything else in my life', she also ignored this and after a long number of years, it was absolutely the case and the relationship split. We women are great at ignoring the things we don't want to hear which men have often clearly told us at the beginning.

 

I guess I don't want disregard any important red flags....however, two more calls from him today and I am trying my best not to invest too much emotion in this, but think I am falling...faaaaallliiiing. Oh no.

 

I know he likes me a lot, I know he feels he can tell me anything (and has). I feel like I've morphed into his best, best friend right now and this guy has gone through the mill with other things in his life which unfortunately I can't go into (bizarre amazing story though, but not nice for him), so even though for selfish reasons I'd was willing to walk away from the whole thing rather than be led down the garden path, now I feel like he'd be really hurt to find out someone he thought he could trust could just abandon him like that and find I just can't do it to him.

 

But LovehateLove (great name!) and katherinev87 you're both right, I've been so freaked out by 'saying' something to him, when it would probably be better to subtly make a physical move and see what his reaction is, then it's not so horribly vulnerable...will just have to see what transpires in terms of opportunities in the near future. If I don't do something and he falls for someone else and in 3 years tells me 'I really liked you, but it seemed like you weren't interested' I would really kick myself, and in fact pay a lot of other random strangers to kick me too for being so cowardly and stupid not to at least have given it a try.

[CommitmentPhobe]

NO he doesn't like you "a lot" you're just kidding yourself here.

 

If he'd have like you a lot he would have done more than this.

 

Just read back what you're writing, complicated, bang head up wall stuff, how long you going to bang your head up against this wall?

 

If you make a move on him, even it it works out it's just going to be more complications and more bang your head up the wall because that's already the way it is between you two.

[paddington bear]

Well I've just been put well and truly into the friendszone. Guys take note, you're not the only ones that this happens to!

 

I'm relieved, but a little sad too. I'm not sure if I'm sad because of the loss of the possibility of 'us' or just because it's yet another rejection. I'm tired of rejections. One day it would be nice if some guy I liked actually liked me back and thought 'my God, I'm not letting this wonderful person slip through my fingers'. Apparently his position on the status of our friendship may change in the future, but friends for now.

 

I'm not hanging around waiting for that non-existent possibility, which I think was said to soften the blow and not because it was true.

 

This has only cemented my view that if a guy doesn't make a move on you, or his intentions clear early on that there's a reason for it and am very glad that I didn't try to seduce him as that would have been super-embarrassing considering the little conversation we had today.

 

Toodle pip I'm off to drink and smoke myself into oblivion! and hopefully live to fight another day (unless I die of lung cancer or liver failure, which is also a strong possibility...)

[CommitmentPhobe]

Well I've just been put well and truly into the friendszone. Guys take note, you're not the only ones that this happens to!

I've friendzoned a lot of women that's how I knew he just wasn't into you.

I'm not hanging around waiting for that non-existent possibility, which I think was said to soften the blow and not because it was true.

Good

This has only cemented my view that if a guy doesn't make a move on you, or his intentions clear early on that there's a reason for it and am very glad that I didn't try to seduce him as that would have been super-embarrassing considering the little conversation we had today.

Exactly try sticking to the plan in future. You already knew if you read back what you wrote, you gave him his chance intially and he didn't take it. But now at least you know

 

Toodle pip I'm off to drink and smoke myself into oblivion! and hopefully live to fight another day (unless I die of lung cancer or liver failure, which is also a strong possibility...)

Lol,have a good un, i'm sure you'll meet the right person.