Buddy's girlfriend

[reservoirdog1]

I'm not sure what to do about this, if anything.

 

On Friday night, I went to a party at a friend's place. I'll call him Joe. We've known each other for a few years; I wouldn't say we're close friends at this point, but friends in any event. Joe has a hot tub in his backyard. Sometime after midnight, things were winding down, and there were five of us left at the party: Joe, the girl he's been dating for last couple of months (I'll call her his GF), me, and two other girls. All of us were in the hot tub except one of the girls. That girl is a good friend of Joe's for years and I think they're "practically family" or something.

 

I'm sitting at one side, next to one of the girls. Joe's GF is sitting on the opposite side. Joe is standing in the middle of the hot tub, having a conversation with the girl outside about some problem she's having with her ex and their kids. Everybody in the hot tub has had at least several drinks, though nobody's falling down. Just happily buzzed.

 

Anyway... while Joe is in the middle of this conversation, his GF starts playing footsie with me underwater. At first I figured it was an accidental touch, but then she starts running her foot up and down my lower leg. Based on where Joe was standing, there's no way she could have thought it was Joe's leg. (Besides, she seemed to be the least drunk of any of us.) I look over at her a couple of times, and she looks back at me. My glasses were off so her facial cues, if there were any, were too subtle for me to see. But she was looking at me.

 

This didn't last very long, and a few minutes later the GF got out of the hot tub and sat quietly on a chair nearby. Seemed a little bit pissy, frankly. Either at me, for not responding in some way, or at Joe for not paying attention to her.

 

Either way though... my question is, should I tell Joe about this? Or just write it off as minor and forget about it? I have absolutely no intention of pursuing this apparent display of interest; Joe's my friend and I don't do that shyt to my friends. I've had it done to me, far worse, by somebody who I thought was a friend and I consider that prick to be a pretty low form of life. Part of me says to forget about it, and mind my own business -- if this is how this girl rolls, Joe'll find out sooner or later. Another part of me thinks the right thing to do is tell Joe -- if his GF's coming on to other guys, with him standing right there no less, it might be good for him to know before he gets too invested in her.

 

Can anybody share their thoughts? Thanks everybody...

[Sal Paradise]

Tell your friend. You would want to be told if you were in his shoes.

[Javelin]

Tell your friend. You would want to be told if you were in his shoes.

 

I agree, tell your buddy man.. Exactly what you told us and exactly how you told it to us. That b*tch needs to be exposed.

[piggsy]

If you are having difficulty coming up with the nerve to discuss it, just say something casually to break the ice. Talk about the party and say, "Your girlfriend sure is friendly when she drinks!" Something like that, then your buddy may tell tell you about his suspicions. This will make it a lot easier to talk about it.

 

You need to talk about it. My friend's fianc'ee was flirty like that to other guys, and I was sensing the vibes when she was around me. I didn't tell my buddy because I just KNEW he would get mad. I know him, he would have hated me for telling him something like that. Fast forward....they got married and had a child. She got past the "new mom" stage, started going out and screwing guys. Dance instructors, karate students, just random guys. She liked the extra attention. He had started taking a lot of drugs to cope. One day he took too many and OD'd. I sometimes wonder if he would have listened to me if I had said anything...if it would have changed anything. Probably not, but there is hope for your friend.

 

Maybe he already knows? Just tell him anyway. Do it.

[D-Lish]

I am of two minds regarding this.

I remember once I told my best friend her bf had come onto me (he had cornered me and tried to kiss me)... and what ended up happening was that she blamed me and got really mad at me! She didn't want to believe it and took out her frustration on me and took his side. She figured it out a few months later when she caught him in the shower with another woman.

 

Sometimes people don't want to see what is happening in front of their face. She can simply refute the allegation by saying she was drunk and thought she was touching him... frame it as a misunderstanding- or even turn it around and blame you.

 

It's a tough call. he will figure her out eventually.

But if she's sly- she may be able to manipulate this situation and you could come out looking like the bad guy.

 

You mentioned this guy isn't a close-close friend... so your accusation may not hold as much weight.

 

I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes.

[verve]

I would tell him, I don't think he will react badly at you for telling him this, it isn't like you instigated anything and you will only be telling him because you were concerned by her behaviour and thought he deserved to know.

 

You will feel much better after telling him and after that the ball is in his court over what action he takes next.

[SnapCracklePop]

Hard to say... maybe try to make light of it and ask about your friend's GF and why she was so upset later on that evening, and perhaps it was because she did think your leg was his, blah blah... you couldn't tell exactly if that was it because you were not wearing your glasses, etc etc.

 

Since you couldn't see her face clearly, it is hard to tell if she really was just playing, or if she had other intentions. In one of my old ring of friends, we all knew each other very well. One of the girls grabbed my a$$ more for shock value than anything. I knew she did not have any other intentions though.

[theobserver]

I would say men and women react different to being told. A man would not flip on the friend telling that what their partner did. Why? because we wouldn't say it couldn't happen we would atleast investigate after with some questioning and if said friend has never shown any interest in our girlfriend/wife then we see no reason for them to lie, I doubt I would freak out on a friend that told me and accuse them of trying to steal my woman.

 

Women (now again this is not everyone but typical) would most usually accuse the female friend of trying to steal their man, especially if that woman is single. Why? Because

1. Women truely do not want to believe their man could do such a thing, you've given yourself to him, told him secrets and then he'd do this in a sly manner no... must be a lie.

2. Throughout history, and thanks to the media it's always implied the jealous single girlfriend is always unhappy about another friends relationship and wishes to destroy it so said woman is filled with an ego boost and feels the other woman is only saying this because she's jealous.

 

 

Anyway enough of that. Tell your friend, but be sincere. Explain the situation to him just like you did here and then stress that you're not outright accusing her of anything just that this is what she did while your attention was elsewhere .

He will respect you for confessing and you've given him a chance to keep an eye open or to question her. For all you know he's had suspicions of her actions around his friends since day 1 but needed someone to say something.

 

I had a friend who's girlfriend tried to give me a bj when I was putting my coat in the bedroom (budget makeshift cloakroom) I was knocked down on the bed and she said I want to "suck you off *****" Yup that was it for me I immediately walked out told my friend as soon as the party had died down. Turns out she had slept with 2 of his closest (now ex) friends on and off and they never told since they were getting what they want all while betraying hist trust. He always thanks me for freeing him from this vile woman and I thank myself for being tested and easily resisting the one thing I swore I would never do to my wife and never will.

[Bryanp]

I think Sal nailed it. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you want someone to tell you so you won't be played for a fool?

[bish]

If he were a really good friend, I'd tell him. I wouldn't want a good friend of mine dating an untrustworthy huss.

 

If he is a friend that you hang out with quite a bit, I dunno. I'd still be inclined to tell him. But you know she'll deny it all. And the fact that you are a "sub" friend might not be enough for him to believe you over her.

 

But if he is a REALLY good friend, you have an obligation to tell him. But then again, he may get pissed at her, but decide, like alot of people do, to forgive her so-called "mistake" and stay with her. Then you will be in the uncomfortable position of being around them. She will probably start badmouthing you and trying to pry a wedge in between you and him.

 

But if he is a good friend, that is the chance you'll have to take. He deserves to know.

[georgejungle]

i kinda sorta think that it's no big deal and that

your friend will find out later. When there's a hot tub

or pool and alcohol, people tend to loosen up and from

what you wrote it doesn't feel like a full on ''Come On'' to

me. I would just think she was drunk and well, she was getting

friendly. I mean we all feel inhibited when there's a little

alcohol flowing.

 

If your bud doesn't notice things like this or didn't scope

out what kinda girl she was from the start, then it's his problem.

 

I'd just let it go because it's not like she tried to KISS you

or something more seductive. And why the hell would she take off

and get pissy. Sounds kinda mental to me. She must have been drunk.

[Sal Paradise]

I would just think she was drunk and well, she was getting

friendly. I mean we all feel inhibited when there's a little

alcohol flowing.

 

If your bud doesn't notice things like this or didn't scope

out what kinda girl she was from the start, then it's his problem.

 

 

Some of us possess this thing called self control. Most people can control what they do when they're drunk. People like to use alcohol as an excuse to make an ass of themselves. Most of the time it's just that - an excuse.

 

Furthermore it's not the guys fault (as you suggest) because he might not know the kind of girl he is dating. A lot of people are fooled by those they're in a relationship with. By your logic someone who is married for twenty years who's husband decided to cheat on her is to blame for not realizing twenty years ago that her husband had personality traits that could one day lead to his cheating. It can take years to truly know someone and to know what they're capable of and thats not even accounting for the fact that people can change dramatically over a period of years.

 

If you see that your friend could be hurt by someone and they're completely unaware the right thing to do is to inform them. If you're truly their friend and value your friendship how can you not? What if he ends up marrying this girl and they have kids and years later she cheats on the guy and gives him a horrible STD. Sure at the end of the day it's the guys responsibility for marrying her but that wouldn't change the fact that he could have told his friend and perhaps his friend would have avoided a disease, a lot of heartache and years wasted on someone who didn't deserve him.

 

A friend is supposed to have your back and you're supposed to have theirs. It's an old fashioned concept called loyalty. The loyal thing to do is to tell your friend. What he does with the information is up to him. If you tell him you can sleep sound knowing you did the right thing (regardless of what decision he makes).

[reservoirdog1]

Thanks for the replies, everybody. I've basically resolved that I need to tell him.

 

Anybody see a problem with doing it by email? I guess it means I'm pussying out somewhat, but it also gives me the opportunity to "craft" what I'm going to say and find a middle ground between minimizing it, and blowing it out of proportion.

 

Sort of, "here's what happened, play-by-play, thought you should know, if it was me I'd want to know, give me a shout if you want to chat about it." That kind of thing.

[audrey_1]

Try keeping it to yourself. This exact same type situation just happened with my brother's friend and the girl he was seeing. Notice I said WAS seeing. She was calling my brother at odd hours, showing up at his doorstep drunk, coming on to him when his friend would leave the room, etc. Turns out, she was doing the same with all his other friends, too.

 

The guy finally wised up, even without my brother having to tell him. The clues started to add up in his mind, and he figured it out on his own. So when this was mentioned in conversation, my brother was able to admit how he had been included in her rotten behavior, and it just added evidence for him to dump her, and KEEP her dumped.

[fubarred]

There really isn't an easy way to deal with it. Since you didn't play along that night, she could have very well already told him that YOU were the one flirting, just to take the sting away in case you come forward.

 

I'd tell, but maybe play it off somewhat. Like another poster suggested, break the ice with something like "your girlfriend sure is friendly when she drinks". That way you have made it seem like no big deal to you, and therefore saved him some embarrassment. If nothing else, it will make him open his eyes a little wider.

[mental_traveller]

Yeah tell him, of course. Wouldn't you like to know if you were in his situation?

[mental_traveller]

Thanks for the replies, everybody. I've basically resolved that I need to tell him.

 

Anybody see a problem with doing it by email? I guess it means I'm pussying out somewhat, but it also gives me the opportunity to "craft" what I'm going to say and find a middle ground between minimizing it, and blowing it out of proportion.

 

Sort of, "here's what happened, play-by-play, thought you should know, if it was me I'd want to know, give me a shout if you want to chat about it." That kind of thing.

 

Don't use email. Worst possible way. She might find it, it's recorded for all eternity, email can easily be misconstrued (no body language or verbal cues). Do it face to face in person.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd just go out for a beer with him one day, and say exactly what happened.

[nopainnogain]

Id say leave it alone. If it was one of joes guy friends doing this you should tell him. But since its his g/f he might be down with it and it wouldnt bother him.

[Javelin]

If he doesn't tell his friend, his health could be at risk, if she's cheating! Are you people out of your minds? Think about your replies thoroughly in a situation like this.

[theobserver]

It too boggles my mind why people would prefer to keep quiet, let him "find out on his own"

 

"Hey shouldn't we tell that jew that he's not actually going to a labour camp and maybe help him get out of the situation? "

"No he can figure it out himself, I don't want to be a bearer of bad news and in the firing line "

 

I would risk my friendship to tell my friend the truth. I would word it in a way that can give the accused the benefit of the doubt but make it clear to my friend I'm just looking out for them. I do not let to see someone silently suffer when I can help them find a way out.

 

I understand alot of people here like the whole "look out for yourself because nobody else is" but we have friends for a reason.

[reservoirdog1]

Well, I haven't done it yet. To sort of "test the waters", I sent him a text message on Wednesday saying thanks for a great party. He texted back, friendly, like nothing's up. Obviously his GF hasn't told him that I came onto HER.

 

Next step is to grab a drink with him and tell him.

[reservoirdog1]

Okay, I think the sitch has now been resolved. I chatted with Joe by email, asked him casually about the status of things with the girl -- GF/BF, have they had "The Talk", etc. He replied that things with her are progressing, they're not BF/GF yet, and then suggested that he and I should go on the prowl soon.

 

So, case closed. Thanks for the thoughts everybody.