things

[beautifulearth83]

There are a few things going on with me right now that I feel like I need to speak out about, but these days it's not often that I do it and I'm sorry if it's scattered but I will try to get it across.

 

Right now the mood I'm in is one where I just can't stand anybody else. All of my friends annoy me and I can't tell who's on my side. I feel heavily misunderstood and like an outcast. In the past, this would feel like a good thing because it would make me feel like I'm special and it would motivate me to succeed. But right now it feels like more of a drag.

 

I have been unemployed for almost a year now. I left my job back home because I felt trapped and controlled by my situation and a friend I was working with there. So I moved to a different state in with a couple friends who insisted that I stay in their dining room on a couch without having to pay rent. So I've done dishes, cleaned house, provided food, taken care of pets and even run errands for them. These are things that I really don't mind doing so much. But lately I've been wondering what the hell kind of life I've been living.

 

This summer I've had trouble leaving the house during the daytime because of anxiety.

 

The good thing is that I feel like I've been making good progress. On my own without medication or a therapist. I've been seeking jobs again and looking to have a bit more structure and order in my life. I've been really excited about my latest attitude and new sense of self and hope.

 

Last night we were sitting in the living room at a friends house and my roommate came and sat next to me. He was telling me about some old exercise bike that he was going to pick up in the garbage. We have another exercise bike here at the house and I told him that we could make something out of them if we wanted. Then out of nowhere he was like "you can't even leave a chair or the house and you think you can make something?". He really hit a soft spot and my eyes started to tear up but I didn't let it go onto full on crying. This isn't the first time he has done this to me in front of people and made me feel uncomfortable.

 

I feel like this sort of thing always happens when I feel like I'm making progress. That sort of thing may motivate others to prove otherwise to other people, but not me. It only makes me want to do less. I need people to believe in me, be nice or just don't say anything at all.

 

So I just feel very inadequate right now. I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to get into an argument that makes it worse. Also, I feel in debt to my friends because of the free rent. I will also add that I do not freeload and rarely ask anybody for anything and I'm respectful.

 

So now I feel trapped and don't feel motivated to do much again.

 

Today I went for a bike ride. I told my roommate about something I saw during the ride and he said "oh so you mean you actually do things? like outside of the house?"

 

Now I don't even feel like I can enjoy a bike ride.

 

I am nothing but nice to everybody. I respect everybody's space, I don't say things to hurt people's feelings and I'm usually very positive. Why does there always have to be somebody there to bring me down. I don't know who to trust, who to follow or where to be right now. I want nothing more than to feel like I'm doing something because I want to, because I need to, because I decided to, because I made it happen.

 

This situation isn't much different than the one where I worked with a friend. She got me a job and brought me in just as my friends here have taken me in to their house. I feel like any situation where someone brings me in or does me a favor only brings me trouble. I always feel like favors and open arms only give people the upper hand over me. I feel like I deserve a bit more respect.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore.

[Virgo1982]

There are a few things going on with me right now that I feel like I need to speak out about, but these days it's not often that I do it and I'm sorry if it's scattered but I will try to get it across.

 

Right now the mood I'm in is one where I just can't stand anybody else. All of my friends annoy me and I can't tell who's on my side. I feel heavily misunderstood and like an outcast. In the past, this would feel like a good thing because it would make me feel like I'm special and it would motivate me to succeed. But right now it feels like more of a drag.

 

I have been unemployed for almost a year now. I left my job back home because I felt trapped and controlled by my situation and a friend I was working with there. So I moved to a different state in with a couple friends who insisted that I stay in their dining room on a couch without having to pay rent. So I've done dishes, cleaned house, provided food, taken care of pets and even run errands for them. These are things that I really don't mind doing so much. But lately I've been wondering what the hell kind of life I've been living.

 

This summer I've had trouble leaving the house during the daytime because of anxiety.

 

The good thing is that I feel like I've been making good progress. On my own without medication or a therapist. I've been seeking jobs again and looking to have a bit more structure and order in my life. I've been really excited about my latest attitude and new sense of self and hope.

 

Last night we were sitting in the living room at a friends house and my roommate came and sat next to me. He was telling me about some old exercise bike that he was going to pick up in the garbage. We have another exercise bike here at the house and I told him that we could make something out of them if we wanted. Then out of nowhere he was like "you can't even leave a chair or the house and you think you can make something?". He really hit a soft spot and my eyes started to tear up but I didn't let it go onto full on crying. This isn't the first time he has done this to me in front of people and made me feel uncomfortable.

 

I feel like this sort of thing always happens when I feel like I'm making progress. That sort of thing may motivate others to prove otherwise to other people, but not me. It only makes me want to do less. I need people to believe in me, be nice or just don't say anything at all.

 

So I just feel very inadequate right now. I keep my mouth shut because I don't want to get into an argument that makes it worse. Also, I feel in debt to my friends because of the free rent. I will also add that I do not freeload and rarely ask anybody for anything and I'm respectful.

 

So now I feel trapped and don't feel motivated to do much again.

 

Today I went for a bike ride. I told my roommate about something I saw during the ride and he said "oh so you mean you actually do things? like outside of the house?"

 

Now I don't even feel like I can enjoy a bike ride.

 

I am nothing but nice to everybody. I respect everybody's space, I don't say things to hurt people's feelings and I'm usually very positive. Why does there always have to be somebody there to bring me down. I don't know who to trust, who to follow or where to be right now. I want nothing more than to feel like I'm doing something because I want to, because I need to, because I decided to, because I made it happen.

 

This situation isn't much different than the one where I worked with a friend. She got me a job and brought me in just as my friends here have taken me in to their house. I feel like any situation where someone brings me in or does me a favor only brings me trouble. I always feel like favors and open arms only give people the upper hand over me. I feel like I deserve a bit more respect.

 

I don't know where to turn anymore.

 

Gather the strength to build your self-esteem back up by setting goals and making a life for yourself. People are not perfect and will hurt you. Even if what they're saying is true, your feelings are causing you to lash out against them. Never let them keep you from bettering yourself. They are being used as excuses.

[dvsxx6]

Oh beautifulearth83..I can feel your pain and hurt just by reading your tormenting words and I know exactly how you feel cause I was in this exact situation 2 months ago. I've always struggled with self esteem issues [for about 5 years] and the thing that got me out of this hump, was to force myself to get out and find a job. I was unemployed for 2 months [cause I was in school] and I wondered why I felt so worthless. I was scared, oh God was I petrified of finding a job. I always had bad work experiences cause I always had severe anxiety. But you must build your courage to do it. I can guarantee that you will suffer in the first couple of days, weeks, maybe even months, but once you let it ride [without avoidance] you will feel SO proud of yourself. I definitely have learned a lot and am continuing to learn.

 

I cannot stress this enough though. Do not let your fear of the unknown or just your anxiety in general hold you back of achieving [hope this doesn't sound corny but I'm so not trying to be corny right now]. You MUST must must find a job, immerse yourself in hobbies [if you don't know what you're interested in, try taking exercising classes, local sports classes that you're interested in, something empowering such as martial arts or a bicycle club [you mentioned you like to ride your bike]. Do things that will make you get out of your comfort zone. Like you, I suffered severely from anxiety, social anxiety and depression. It was gripping and I always felt so isolated and scared of trying new things. I noticed that once I took that first step into the scary unknown and I actually learned to trust myself [and believe me, I made a lot of mistakes in the past and I still do, but I have taught myself to have compassion for myself]. I'm not perfect, and the next person next to me isn't either. Nobody's better or higher than you. You must learn to forgive yourself for what happened in the past, you must be willing to KNOW that you are GOING to make mistakes and especially, you must STOP receiving hand-outs from your friends.

 

That is part of your demise. By accepting handouts from your friends makes you devalue yourself and makes you feel worthless and inadequate. It's wonderful that you actually have friends who will do so much for you [free rent? damn that is generous!] but at the same time it seems like they disrespect you right in front of you [ie. "you can't even get off of the chair or out of the house", etc].

 

Definitely look into doing more things for yourself. You will build self esteem and I can tell you, I have suffered through this one job that I'm currently at right now and I have learned so much about myself. You must learn to stick up for yourself and then your self confidence will soar. I have a hugely great self confidence now and although it may fluctuate here and there, the fact is that you are continually learning every day and you will make progress just as long as you put one foot in front of the other and just keep on moving forward.

 

It takes a lot of courage but you can do this. You really can, don't believe what other people have been telling you about yourself. You dont' need to rationalize what they say cause some people are just messed up. Right now, just focus on yourself and continue being cordial with your "friends". I'd suggest moving out if possible cause it seems like you're living in a toxic, and unsupportive environment. That's just me though. Is there anywhere else you could move to? perhaps, back home?

 

Good luck with everything! Do you have AIM btw we should chat sometime.

[beautifulearth83]

Hello I can get perspective on both of your responses. I've realized a lot since I first posted this. I am very fortunate to have the friends I have and to be in the position I am. I've let the remarks slide as I can tell they may just be a funny way of having concern for me. It's just really hard to take a joke when you're so depressed and anxious. But I don't really talk to too much people about these things, so how would they know. I've also gotten some job opportunities that I am very excited about. Even the idea of getting out of the house and feeling a bit more purpose has made me feel better. It's easy for me to get into a spell where everything just feels doomed. I think some good laughing and accomplishing is in order.

 

So thanks a lot for your responses. Wish you the best.

[beautifulearth83]

Oh beautifulearth83..

Good luck with everything! Do you have AIM btw we should chat sometime.

 

Hey there. I just wanted to say thanks a lot for your support. You've responded to a lot of my threads and have always been so generous to take the time and relate. I hope all is well for you. See you around.

 

BE

 

p.s. If you want my screen name, just PM me, though I don't really chat with strangers that often