CandyGirlXO Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I am just not sure what is "normal" because it's all I have ever known. I met my step-dad when I was 4 and we have always cuddled. Normal?!?! He would always rub my butt, sometimes under my clothes. Few times in the front under my clothes as well but not actually on my vajayjay but close. Even now he makes comments about my butt. I have a bubble butt. Anyways is this normal?
littlekitty Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Cuddling is normal. Touching your butt over or under your clothes is not. Nor is rubbing you around your private area.
Trimmer Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Cuddling is normal. Touching your butt over or under your clothes is not. Nor is rubbing you around your private area. I agree on all points, and I'll amplify the first one ("Cuddling is normal") by saying that I think cuddling between a father and daughter can be normal, if it respects her reaction and feelings about it. I think it gets a little more dicey when it's a step-relationship, established with a 4-year old. I just think there's a more complex boundary there, and that the adult bears the responsibility to respect boundaries, and should err on the side of caution. I think there's great risk if a new step-father pushes a cuddly relationship on a 4-year old who may not be mature, verbal, or powerful enough to voice her discomfort, and who subsequently assumes that she has to defer her physical and sexual safety and comfort to adults/men, and that this is just the way life is. Are you still living in the house with him now, and is this still going on? How old are you now?
vintagecat Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Even with loving father daughter relationships there are boundaries and as a child develops normally the "cuddling" becomes more rare and is restricted to hands, head, back etc. as the child ages in respect of those boundaries. Touching under clothes in erogenous areas is a breach of sexual boundaries and normally if one has to ask, there likely is a problem. Set limits now. Get some help if you can't. And where's your mother in all of this? Good luck to you.
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 Nope! That's NOT normal! And even if in some twisted way it's reasoned that it's OK, it SHOULD NOT BE! Because a child's body should be considered their own! And there is no reason ANYONE'S hands should be beneath a dhild's clothes! It's Wrong!!!
Jilly Bean Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I NEVER cuddled with my Dad. When I was very little, I would crawl into his lap, and he would hold me for a bit, but we never laid on the couch and CUDDLED and he most certainly never stroked my butt. YES, this is sexual abuse. OP - how old are you now? Is he still touching you?
porter218 Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I saw in another one of your posts that you just finished college?? Is this still going on??
Green Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I saw in another one of your posts that you just finished college?? Is this still going on?? I also don't fully understand the question. its defenatly a litle wierd that your dad is rubbing your butt and commenting on it at your age. I wouldn't necesarily say he sexualy abused you as a child though unless you think it was sexual.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted August 11, 2008 Author Posted August 11, 2008 I just wasn't sure if this was normal behavior for a step-dad/ daughter. I just noticed that my friend's dad's do not act that way. I am 25 now, and this happened from ages 4-about 12 when I got my first period. Even now he makes comments and he sometimes slaps my butt. I just don't know if I would consider this abuse, because he has never taken it further than this. I have never told my mom, but she basically knew what was going on because she would see us cuddle. I don't know its wierd for me to think that what he did would be abuse. I thought all of this was completely normal! Maybe when I have children I shouldn't let them spend the night at grandma and grandpa's.
mopar crazy Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I just wasn't sure if this was normal behavior for a step-dad/ daughter. I just noticed that my friend's dad's do not act that way. I am 25 now, and this happened from ages 4-about 12 when I got my first period. Even now he makes comments and he sometimes slaps my butt. I just don't know if I would consider this abuse, because he has never taken it further than this. I have never told my mom, but she basically knew what was going on because she would see us cuddle. I don't know its wierd for me to think that what he did would be abuse. I thought all of this was completely normal! Maybe when I have children I shouldn't let them spend the night at grandma and grandpa's. This is not normal behavior and yes, it is sexual abuse. I work in Early Childhood and we teach the children about these kind of touches. I wont get into the whole thing what we talk to them about. If a child in my classroom would tell me someone touched them the way you step father touched you I would be reporting it immediately. I would tell him to keep his dirty, perverted hands off you. If he refuses, I would report him. And when the time comes for you to have your own children I wouldn't allow them to be alone in the room w/ this pig.
Ronni_W Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I just don't know if I would consider this abuse, ... I thought all of this was completely normal! Maybe when I have children I shouldn't let them spend the night at grandma and grandpa's. At this point, it is a gray area that you can turn to "white" or to "black", as it were. Instead of relying on "technical definitions" and others' opinions, it may be more valuable to consider how YOU felt about it at the time, and how YOU feel about it now. Did you feel guilt or shame? Were you told or did you think that it was a "secret" that needed to be kept hidden? Do you feel that it affected your sense of self? Do you have questions or confusion about your sexual identity? If you are generally okay with the past (that is, do not believe that it scarred you in significant ways that prevent your healthy participation in relationships, especially of a sexual nature), but you have become uncomfortable with the current-day butt-slapping and comments, you have the right and authority to ask him to stop. It is possible that he felt that it was normal behaviour, too...and it is possible that he did derive sexual excitement from it. Your own current feelings and thoughts are more important for you, though. Regardless of anything else, if you do not want your children to be treated like that, then you will have to take appropriate steps at that time.
Curmudgeon Posted August 11, 2008 Posted August 11, 2008 I just wasn't sure if this was normal behavior for a step-dad/ daughter. I just noticed that my friend's dad's do not act that way. I thought all of this was completely normal! Maybe when I have children I shouldn't let them spend the night at grandma and grandpa's. It's not normal behavior. In my state he would have been charged with annoying or molesting a child and if convicted, would have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life. Even now, at the very least he could be charged with battery. What makes him think, and why do you think, it's OK to put his hands on the rear end of an adult woman he's not married to or consensually, sexually involved with? I happen to work in my states forensic program which identifies and locks away sex offenders. Beyond that, I have three daughters, two stepdaughters, three granddaughters and a step-granddaughter. I would never have acted that way when they were young, and some still are, and certainly not as adults, which the rest are. If you have daughters, keep them away from him. He's sick! You mother needs to know that, even if she is in denial, because she's enabling him and always has. I'd be going after her as an accessory.
Jilly Bean Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 I just don't know if I would consider this abuse, because he has never taken it further than this. I have never told my mom, but she basically knew what was going on because she would see us cuddle. I don't know its wierd for me to think that what he did would be abuse. Well, this is what molestors bank on, hon. They tell you it's perfectly normal, so you grow up *feeling* that something isn't right, yet the adult keeps telling you it's fine. As Mopar and others (including myself) have said, this is most definitely wrong. It was abuse, even if there was no penetration or sex involved. This type of touching is definitely inappropriate, and it was a violation. You poor thing! And shame on your Mom.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted August 12, 2008 Author Posted August 12, 2008 I was told once to keep it a secret when my step-fathers friend spent the night. Came into my room when I was sleeping... Went under my bed and put his hand up and tried to take off my underwear. I immediately woke up and left the room. The police came the next day to take pictures and we took the guy to court. My mom and step-dad said something along the lines of don't tell that how you cuddle while watching tv. And that's when I first questioned it. I was 12 when this happened.
Ronni_W Posted August 12, 2008 Posted August 12, 2008 My mom and step-dad said something along the lines of don't tell that how you cuddle while watching tv. Okay, so that's your answer. They both knew it was "not normal".
Green Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 I was told once to keep it a secret when my step-fathers friend spent the night. Came into my room when I was sleeping... Went under my bed and put his hand up and tried to take off my underwear. I immediately woke up and left the room. The police came the next day to take pictures and we took the guy to court. My mom and step-dad said something along the lines of don't tell that how you cuddle while watching tv. And that's when I first questioned it. I was 12 when this happened. ummm well then I guess things wernt normal if your parents made you keep it a secret. So what are you going to do now?
Fun2BMe Posted August 14, 2008 Posted August 14, 2008 What your step-dad's friend did was clearly out of line and a good thing it was stopped before he abused you in your sleep. What your step-dad does - commenting on and tapping your butt - I think is in innocent fun. I doubt he knows you are bothered by it. I think since you are, that you should tell him. If he continues, then it's a problem, but I think he is being joking and not knowing how it is effecting you.
Green Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 What your step-dad's friend did was clearly out of line and a good thing it was stopped before he abused you in your sleep. What your step-dad does - commenting on and tapping your butt - I think is in innocent fun. I doubt he knows you are bothered by it. I think since you are, that you should tell him. If he continues, then it's a problem, but I think he is being joking and not knowing how it is effecting you. yeah probably, now I wonder what she looks like though
Author CandyGirlXO Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 KMT What do you exactly mean? If you are implying that I must have developed early that is not true. I look about 5 yrs younger for my age. I have a myspace account if you would like to see.
Green Posted August 18, 2008 Posted August 18, 2008 KMT What do you exactly mean? If you are implying that I must have developed early that is not true. I look about 5 yrs younger for my age. I have a myspace account if you would like to see. I was just curious what you look like, wasn't implying what you looked like when you were younger. You sound good looking from your descriptions, but if your step father is a molester it wouldn't matter what you looked like. Like I said from what you've told us I have no idea if it was abuse. You don't sound traumatized by any of it though.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted August 18, 2008 Author Posted August 18, 2008 Well thanks. I do hide it well. I put myself through college... the only one in my family to have a bachelors degree. I have a decent job and I have also had multiple long term relationships in my life. But deep down... the real me. I have anxiety and depression. Also have a hard time trusting people. Especially men because in my experience they are MOSTLY liars who only care about one thing. Not all but most. As far as my step-dad goes I will say something if it continues. I'm not sure if what he did in my past really traumatized me, since I thought it was all normal. So I won't say anything.
Tony Posted August 19, 2008 Senior Moderators Posted August 19, 2008 ....PLEASE READ THE ORIGINAL POST VERY CAREFULLY. The last nine posts, which were deleted, did not address the topic of this thread...which is defined in the very first post. Thank you for your cooperation.
waleen Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I would prefer to understand how he would behave if I discussed these issue with him. What effects would child sexual abuse have on him? Would he be suicidal or hold symptoms of depression? He has mentioned suicide on a few occasions along with suicide attempts and thoughts. How do I know if he is exaggerating or seeking attention?
Mary3 Posted September 18, 2008 Posted September 18, 2008 I am just not sure what is "normal" because it's all I have ever known. I met my step-dad when I was 4 and we have always cuddled. Normal?!?! He would always rub my butt, sometimes under my clothes. Few times in the front under my clothes as well but not actually on my vajayjay but close. Even now he makes comments about my butt. I have a bubble butt. Anyways is this normal? No, it was not normal. Your step father and his buddy that came over both sound like sexual predators and you were the unfortunate victim. Your mother knew that something was wrong , thats the only way the molester can keep it up , by others looking away and telling you that what he did was normal. NOT !
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