Anxiety over a relationship

[Vanity]

I'm with a beautiful, smart, funny, and perfect girl who I've liked for over a year. We'd met online last summer (as she was a fan of one of my stories) and talked every day as much as possible. She was starting to become a really good friend and then she told me that she liked me. I'd never really liked anyone before, but she was a one-of-a-kind person, so we sort of started dating, if you want to call it that.

 

Unfortunately, something happened after four months and dating didn't seem like it was going to happen, so I forced myself to get over her and ended up dating someone else for a total of five months. Now, in that time, the girl I'd liked still had feelings for me, but she kept them to herself in fear of ruining my relationship. After my boyfriend broke up with me, I tried to get him back, but had realized after a while that he wasn't going to do that, so I just kept talking to him in hopes that maybe he would. Either way, I was going to be fine.

 

Then the girl I'd liked randomly called me one night and even though I thought talking to her would be akward, we ended up having a lot of fun laughing about everything and having a good time. After three days of that, I sort of realized that I was starting to like her again and we talked for another two weeks before I went out with her. It was fine for two days, but then I was hit with horrible anxiety that made me think to myself "do I love her?" and gave me the feeling that I needed to just get out of the relationship.

 

At that time of panic, I didn't feel like I loved her and we settled the matter with us breaking up for the time. After about five days, my anxiety had gone away and I'd realized that I did indeed like her and we went back out, to be happy for one month. I then went to visit her for the first time at her home for eight days in Pennsylvania, finally seeing her in person! she was everything I wanted and more. We clicked right away and not one moment passed by where we weren't indulged in conversation. We became very comfortable with each other and it felt like we were just meant to be together after that year of it not happening. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life.

 

Then when I went home that day, my mom made me upset by saying we might have to euthenize our cat and I started crying while I was on the phone with my girlfriend. I hung up with her so I could stop crying and put away my stuff, but was then hit with a huge wave of anxiety that made me question if I loved her again. I fell to the floor in my bathroom and just cried, having the "I must get out of this" feeling again.

 

Everything had been perfect and fantastic until that point and I've been suffering from anxiety and confusion ever since. I can't make a decision on whether I should stay with her or just be friends. I'd made myself chose to just be friends, because it felt different, but I couldn't do that. I don't want to do that. I want to be with her without this anxiety. I want to be carefree with her again and just enjoy everything and feel like I love her so much.

 

At this point, after a month, I'm starting to feel like I don't love her, but I refuse to accept it. I think that it's my anxiety altering my moods and confusing my judgement. I get upset whenever I see the things that she gave me, or when I see pictures of her... but I can't NOT talk to her because she soothes me, makes me laugh, and she's just a joy to talk to. She's so positive all the time and tells me that she knows she loves me. All my friends tell me that when they saw us together, they could tell I definitely loved her.

 

Why can't I see it myself?

 

I'm going to the doctors today and I'm probably going to get some medication to help relax me and keep me from getting worked up and crying. Did medication help anyone else who has a similar problem??

 

I refuse to give up on my relationship with her, no matter how much pain and confusion I go through, because I want to be with her. She's what I always wanted and what I want right now. Even if I feel like I don't love her... I want to make this work. I want to be able to clear my mind and realize that I do love her. Just because infatuation fades, as well as the feelings, it doesn't mean I'm not in love with her right?

 

I never fight with her, I never get mad at her, I've accepted all her flaws a long time ago and I see absolutely NOTHING wrong with her. I want to be her everything, I want to give her everything she deserves, and I want to just go back to the feelings I'd felt before where I was completely and utterly in love with her.

 

Please give me some advice and help?