Dream guy - how do I approach this?

[LoveLace]

Yes, with the last guy I posted about calling, I never got the nerve mostly because of a situation that occured b/tween a mutual friend and I...anyway, I have a new challenge now...

 

I've known Clay, a saxophone player for several years. We met through mutual friends. Anyway, over the years we sporadically ran into each other, talked and laughed a lot: he has a spectacular personality, and very handsome. Despite of the small crush, it never crossed my mind to pursue him, really. Plus it seemed he always had a girlfriend; he was even married at one point. I think his relationships have struggled because he performs for a living and he's rarely available in the evenings (unless you catch him out after a show). He plays with a very popular ensemble, he loves his sax, and he will do it his entire life if he can (he's already been doing it 10 yrs.). I can see how that could make dating him difficult. However, he's anything but a player, he's sensitive and funny and all that. I've heard him talk about his disappointment with his love life in the past.

 

I stumbled across him on My space, and we exchanged a couple of emails. We were excited to run into each other once again; it's been a year or more now. He was quick to let me know he's single, and joked "do you have any hot friends?"...Well, I assumed he knew I'm single, so I didn't outright say that I am, too. However, I forget that last time I saw Clay, I was living with a guy for a roommate, so he was under the impression I was dating him as well. He may still think that, but I don't know.

 

In one email I informed him of a music event I was attending, and said "we are due to run into each other again!"...he was working that night; but he wrote back "I hope we run into each other again soon"...I didn't want to throw my phone # at him and look too anxious. Then, I let him know that I'll try to attend one of his performances sometime soon. That was just yesterday.

 

I know he'd be perfectly happy to see me at one of his shows, but with him working I wouldn't get to talk to him too much, not to mention he's slightly "high-profile" with a lot of friends and fans. Plus, I don't want to seem like I'm stalking him (though I'm sure he's familiar with girls following him a bit). - I don't want to be just another one of those girls...

 

Should I just stop beating around the bush, and send him a message on My Space with my phone #? Be direct about asking him out? I know when all his shows are, but I honestly don't know when I'd be able to make one. (I would have to get friends to go with me, the hard part, because I have very few single friends into the music scene like me). How bout this: "I have an idea! Instead of running into each other, why don't we get a drink and goof off sometime?"

 

I've always clicked with Clay, and now he's single, so if I ever have a shot, now is the time. He's the kind of man I dream about! What should I do!?

[Arise_Serpentor]

I think your idea sounds perfect! It doesn't sound desperate or needy! Give a shot!

[LoveLace]

I think your idea sounds perfect! It doesn't sound desperate or needy! Give a shot!

 

Thanks!

 

The last thing I want him to think is that I want to date him just because of his status or whatever you want to call it. I knew him before I ever even saw him play...

[Jilly Bean]

I think if a guy asks you if you have any hot friends, he is explicitedly telling you he is not interested. You told him where you were going to be, and he responded by saying that he knew you would run into each other again. If he was interested, he would have suggested a date at that point.

 

Sorry LL, I don't think he's interested in you romantically, but considers you a cool friend.

[Arise_Serpentor]

I think if a guy asks you if you have any hot friends, he is explicitedly telling you he is not interested. You told him where you were going to be, and he responded by saying that he knew you would run into each other again. If he was interested, he would have suggested a date at that point.

 

Sorry LL, I don't think he's interested in you romantically, but considers you a cool friend.

 

Jilly bean may have a point! But it's still worth a try! Also, maybe he was testing your reaction by asking if you had hot friends, because that seems kinda rude to me!

[LoveLace]

He responded to my message by saying thanks for the invite and he was already playing a show that night. He said "I hope you had fun and I hope we run into each other again soon";

 

I think he was unsure of weather or not I was with my old roommate, and perhaps telling me his single status was a way to find out MY status..but that went over my head, so I didn't think to make it clear that I'm single. Maybe he's got that figured out by now, but if all I talk about is "running into each other", as opposed to "getting together" - it doesn't exactly scream that I'm really interested, either. So if I consider what vibes I've given him, it could be he does just get a "cool friend" feel from it.

 

Sometimes I forget, guys don't pick up on hints that appear so obvious to women...

[Arise_Serpentor]

Never expect a guy to pick up a hint!!!

However, now i think he may be keeping you on the back burner! Do you think he gets women throwing themselves at you all the time?!

 

I still like your original idea!

[paddington bear]

You should have said 'Hey! I'm a hot friend!' - a friend of mine told me recently that she NEVER allows guys in her company whether platonic or not to treat her like a male buddy, if they comment on other women she says with a smile and a wink 'there's an attractive girl sitting right here now with you, I don't want to hear about other girls' - and the guys were all like 'sorry, that was rude of us'.

 

But yes, either him saying that means he's really not interested or...it was a subtle way of letting you know he was single again, depends on how confident he is or not.

 

Go see him play, even if you don't get to talk to him much = another email from to say, 'hey went to see you play, it was really good' etc, the fact that you didn't run up to him and desperately try to stalk him or be a 'fan' might work to your advantage.

 

One last thing, if it turns out he's not interested ask him then if he has any hot friends, that you're single and available...at least might get something out of knowing this guy.

[LoveLace]

You should have said 'Hey! I'm a hot friend!' - a friend of mine told me recently that she NEVER allows guys in her company whether platonic or not to treat her like a male buddy, if they comment on other women she says with a smile and a wink 'there's an attractive girl sitting right here now with you, I don't want to hear about other girls' - and the guys were all like 'sorry, that was rude of us'.

 

But yes, either him saying that means he's really not interested or...it was a subtle way of letting you know he was single again, depends on how confident he is or not.

 

Go see him play, even if you don't get to talk to him much = another email from to say, 'hey went to see you play, it was really good' etc, the fact that you didn't run up to him and desperately try to stalk him or be a 'fan' might work to your advantage.

 

One last thing, if it turns out he's not interested ask him then if he has any hot friends, that you're single and available...at least might get something out of knowing this guy.

 

I do wish I would have used that hot friend comment more to my advantage! Too late...

 

If he saw me at a show, I know he'd make a point to come and talk to me. I'm sure we'd also manage to get a drink or two in together afterward. So perhaps that would be a good starting point; or not. That would be our opportunity to really "catch up" and I'd be able to explain that I don't have the roommate anymore, etc.

 

I also know about another music event this weekend that would be right up his alley (it's a blues/jazz show). And it's on a night that his band isn't scheduled to play! I could ask for his company to that, but then I'd feel dumb if he already has other plans and my invite fails for the 2nd time..not sure what to do!

[Jilly Bean]

He responded to my message by saying thanks for the invite and he was already playing a show that night. He said "I hope you had fun and I hope we run into each other again soon";

 

I think he was unsure of weather or not I was with my old roommate, and perhaps telling me his single status was a way to find out MY status..but that went over my head, so I didn't think to make it clear that I'm single. Maybe he's got that figured out by now, but if all I talk about is "running into each other", as opposed to "getting together" - it doesn't exactly scream that I'm really interested, either. So if I consider what vibes I've given him, it could be he does just get a "cool friend" feel from it.

 

Sometimes I forget, guys don't pick up on hints that appear so obvious to women...

 

You're really stretching and overthinking this, LL. I don't see one clue that he is remotely interested in anything besides running into you casually, by accident, randomly, as a friend.

 

You're smart enough to know that when a guy is interested, he will let you know. If he was interested, he would have ASKED you your status. If he was interested, he would have ASKED you on a date.

 

Please LL, you're a sweet woman - don't let your energy be spent on someone who is not showing any signs of interest. Find someone who DOES pursue you!

[LoveLace]

You're really stretching and overthinking this, LL. I don't see one clue that he is remotely interested in anything besides running into you casually, by accident, randomly, as a friend.

 

You're smart enough to know that when a guy is interested, he will let you know. If he was interested, he would have ASKED you your status. If he was interested, he would have ASKED you on a date.

 

Please LL, you're a sweet woman - don't let your energy be spent on someone who is not showing any signs of interest. Find someone who DOES pursue you!

 

there's nothing wrong with the fact that he sees me as a friend, and would be delighted to see me. It's something to build on, if you both wanted to. But you are not going to necessarily know if you want that right away - and guys don't think too far ahead into the future like that. I think it's too soon to throw my hands up on the matter. It's not "wasting" energy to suggest hanging out with a friend you haven't seen in a while, to see if something comes from it or not. It would be a measly couple of hours out of my life and if I'm still in the friend zone when I leave, then so what? It isn't like I'd be jeopardizing any opportunities with other guys, because I'm not talking with anyone else right now. To me it would be a harmless attempt at seeing where nature would lead. Nonetheless, he's a great guy I've known for a long time and he's definitely not someone I would call a "waste", weather he's into me or not.

[2sunny]

if he were interested - HE would ask YOU out! don't be the one to chase him.

 

if you're interested in just watching him play - then go ALONE! that way he won't be wondering about other people you brought with you.

 

it also gives you a chance to flirt with him. if he doesn't ask you out after you spend the evening flirting with him - then he's DEFINITELY not interested.

[LoveLace]

Thanks for the invite, girl. ----- was playing at the ----- last night....Oh, what a time was had!!! I'm still shakin out the cobwebs! We will run in to each other again. Hopefully soon. Hope you had a good time last night.

 

 

This is the copy of what he wrote last. He was responding to MY idea that we should "run into each other"...how do we know that it doesn't suggest that I only like him as a friend as well? If you give a guy that impression, he might not feel confident enough to suggest more. I think Clay is a confident guy, but he's also pretty respectable and he won't cross a line if he feels that's what he'd be doing...yes it's better for the guy to pursue, but sometimes they need the green light to do so and I don't think I have him that by saying "let's run into each other!"...and without being clear about weather or not I'm single. For all we know, he WAS pursuing when the 1st thing he told me was that he's single...who knows!

[Jilly Bean]

there's nothing wrong with the fact that he sees me as a friend, and would be delighted to see me. It's something to build on, if you both wanted to. But you are not going to necessarily know if you want that right away - and guys don't think too far ahead into the future like that. I think it's too soon to throw my hands up on the matter. It's not "wasting" energy to suggest hanging out with a friend you haven't seen in a while, to see if something comes from it or not. It would be a measly couple of hours out of my life and if I'm still in the friend zone when I leave, then so what? It isn't like I'd be jeopardizing any opportunities with other guys, because I'm not talking with anyone else right now. To me it would be a harmless attempt at seeing where nature would lead. Nonetheless, he's a great guy I've known for a long time and he's definitely not someone I would call a "waste", weather he's into me or not.

 

So then you will be perfectly content if your "dream guy" continues to friendzone you?

 

I think if that was the case, then this thread never would have been started, LL.

 

Just make sure to protect your heart is all. I hope it goes well...

[LoveLace]

if he were interested - HE would ask YOU out! don't be the one to chase him.

 

if you're interested in just watching him play - then go ALONE! that way he won't be wondering about other people you brought with you.

 

it also gives you a chance to flirt with him. if he doesn't ask you out after you spend the evening flirting with him - then he's DEFINITELY not interested.

 

You really think going alone would be a good idea? Cuz once he knew I'm alone, it would like I came JUST for him and what if he felt pressure to entertain me for the evening? Then again, I guess it wouldn't feel like "pressure" if he was glad to hang out.

[2sunny]

You really think going alone would be a good idea? Cuz once he knew I'm alone, it would like I came JUST for him and what if he felt pressure to entertain me for the evening? Then again, I guess it wouldn't feel like "pressure" if he was glad to hang out.

 

fyi - the point is for him to think you came just for him! sheeez!

[LoveLace]

So then you will be perfectly content if your "dream guy" continues to friendzone you?

 

I think if that was the case, then this thread never would have been started, LL.

 

 

If I see him and we're still just friends at the end of the night, then it would be how it always has been, and I wouldn't have any complaints about that...as a matter of fact, that's the part that I don't want to make awkward for the future...that's why I'm okay with being in the "zone" for now and asking him out could blow that; it probably would be a better idea to just go to one of his shows and see what happens, as opposed to making a "date" out of it..

[Jilly Bean]

So then you will be perfectly content if your "dream guy" continues to friendzone you?

 

I think if that was the case, then this thread never would have been started, LL.

 

 

If I see him and we're still just friends at the end of the night, then it would be how it always has been, and I wouldn't have any complaints about that...as a matter of fact, that's the part that I don't want to make awkward for the future...that's why I'm okay with being in the "zone" for now and asking him out could blow that; it probably would be a better idea to just go to one of his shows and see what happens, as opposed to making a "date" out of it..

 

Pretty much. Flirt with him, make sure he knows you're single, and then if he doesn't bite, then at least you haven't jeopardized the friendship.

[LoveLace]

 

Pretty much. Flirt with him, make sure he knows you're single, and then if he doesn't bite, then at least you haven't jeopardized the friendship.

 

Yea, not that we're such great buds that there is a lot to put on the line, but still...wouldn't want to find myself going "Dope!" for every time I "run into him"...

 

I see what you are saying SunnyD...I think I'd be more comfortable going with a friend though, I have the kind of friends that would be cool with the cause..

 

They are playing very close to my neighborhood Friday night...maybe I should message him that I plan to be there, instead of surprising him...I could go back and forth all day...coulda shoulda woulda...

[paddington bear]

He might not be interested, but no harm in spending a little time finding out, so long as you don't get very hurt if he doesn't reciprocate.

 

You already told him that you might go to see him play, if he thinks you're some desperate lady who's totally into him because you followed up on that, then he's an egotistical idiot.

 

If you feel you didn't give him the green light and were acting to friendly and not enough 'hey come on baby you and me how about it?' then use the opportunity to flirt a little when you do see him, but do let him do the chasing, if he doesn't follow up on it, don't suggest a date, it should be him that does it.

 

I think going on your own a good idea - imagine bringing friends not into jazz with you and then he goes for one of them. No, no, no. Go on your own, be calm and confident. If he comments on it, just say 'unfortunately none of my friends have the same music taste as me, so I often go to things like this on my own' - going to a gig is one of the only things a single girl can do on her own as she is there to be entertained, not hanging out on her own at a bar waiting to get picked up. It is allowed and no one will be thinking 'oh look at her there, see that one over there, it's so obvious she's only here to see if that guy playing up there is interested' If anything maybe the single guys there will feel like they want to approach this intriguing confident woman who doesn't need the prop of a bunch of girlfriends in order to have an enjoyable evening out.

 

If you keep imagining that he'll think this or that, he WILL!!! So just picture the night how you would like it to go, what you would say, how you would act and then arrive, cool, calm and confident.

 

sorry...rambled on here a bit

[LoveLace]

He might not be interested, but no harm in spending a little time finding out, so long as you don't get very hurt if he doesn't reciprocate.

 

You already told him that you might go to see him play, if he thinks you're some desperate lady who's totally into him because you followed up on that, then he's an egotistical idiot.

 

If you feel you didn't give him the green light and were acting to friendly and not enough 'hey come on baby you and me how about it?' then use the opportunity to flirt a little when you do see him, but do let him do the chasing, if he doesn't follow up on it, don't suggest a date, it should be him that does it.

 

I think going on your own a good idea - imagine bringing friends not into jazz with you and then he goes for one of them. No, no, no. Go on your own, be calm and confident. If he comments on it, just say 'unfortunately none of my friends have the same music taste as me, so I often go to things like this on my own' - going to a gig is one of the only things a single girl can do on her own as she is there to be entertained, not hanging out on her own at a bar waiting to get picked up. It is allowed and no one will be thinking 'oh look at her there, see that one over there, it's so obvious she's only here to see if that guy playing up there is interested' If anything maybe the single guys there will feel like they want to approach this intriguing confident woman who doesn't need the prop of a bunch of girlfriends in order to have an enjoyable evening out.

 

If you keep imagining that he'll think this or that, he WILL!!! So just picture the night how you would like it to go, what you would say, how you would act and then arrive, cool, calm and confident.

 

sorry...rambled on here a bit

 

No sorry needed! You speak my language! lol. That all makes perfect sense, even the part about going alone...Going out alone was once routine for me, and I had some of the best times ever that way! I guess throwing the guy in the picture is what makes me nervous...But I know that I can pull this off...I'm familiar with the establishment they will be playing at Friday, so that could help the comfort factor, in case I feel weird just sitting there...Chances are, I'd run into someone I know anyhow...it's in a territory of which this is practically unavoidable for me...that could be a good thing, to make me look likable! LOL.

 

You are so right, cuz I only know one other single girl that would go with me, and I'm always grouchy because guys are drooling over HER. THAT would really p*ss me off in this situation! It would be nice to talk to a cool guy without her there to take center stage, for once. If she calls me that day, I'll have to lie about what I'm doing that night...if I tell her it's THAT band she will want to come!! Oh I hate lying....but I refuse to have her with me...

 

I'll go all out, and buy a hot, classy outfit of some sort, throw on some make-up, put on my Sex In The City face, socialize, have a drink, and enjoy the f*king music! But what if I ended up not knowing anyone there? I'd have to sit at the bar alone, and figure out the most sophisticated way possible to get his attention....I really don't want to approach the stage while he's playing, and wave to him like I'm his mother or something...lol...It'll be a crowded place - Perhaps if he happens to be near, I'll say hi...

 

OR I could have the bartender send a drink to the sax player....I even know his favorite! It's jack and coke!

Yiikes I"m exciting the crap outta myself!

[Star Gazer]

there's nothing wrong with the fact that he sees me as a friend, and would be delighted to see me. It's something to build on, if you both wanted to. But you are not going to necessarily know if you want that right away - and guys don't think too far ahead into the future like that. I think it's too soon to throw my hands up on the matter. It's not "wasting" energy to suggest hanging out with a friend you haven't seen in a while, to see if something comes from it or not. It would be a measly couple of hours out of my life and if I'm still in the friend zone when I leave, then so what? It isn't like I'd be jeopardizing any opportunities with other guys, because I'm not talking with anyone else right now. To me it would be a harmless attempt at seeing where nature would lead. Nonetheless, he's a great guy I've known for a long time and he's definitely not someone I would call a "waste", weather he's into me or not.

 

 

Interesting response. Why, may I ask, are you asking for opinions?

[LoveLace]

The best scenario would be if I just happened to catch him at a good enough time to walk up and say hi...then HE can buy the drink...

 

A couple years ago, after his divorce, he saw me in a bar, and the 1st thing he told me was: "I'm divorced now! Let me buy you a drink!"...then we had one of our usual, great conversations...even THEN, it didn't cross my mind we were into each other like that...it's the looking back that's telling me it's time to try a new approach with him...I don't think it could hurt, that's all. He's a clean, hard-working, decent guy with good looks - Why not see if more is there? I've never viewed him as a possiblity for me, because he always had a girlfriend....now that he's on the market, it could put a different spin on the way we interact with each other...who knows...I never tried to flirt a whole lot with him before...

 

No matter what happens though, there's no doubt that it'll be a blast to see him....I'll say hey, I'm supposed to go to the blues/jazz thing Sunday...do you know anything about that?...and see if it leads to a date...

[LoveLace]

Interesting response. Why, may I ask, are you asking for opinions?

 

Well my question was of what to do now that I feel more interested in him. And I"ve gotten some pretty good various answers. But telling me to bail as if I don't have a chance in the world, I don't feel that way about myself or about him, so I can't agree with it at this point. After seeing him in person, however, ya never know if it ends up being some kind of self-esteem buster...I'd doubt that would happen though; I don't feel like it would be risking much...actually all I can think of is how FUN it would be since it always has been with him..

 

Spinning off of posters ideas is really helping me...that's what I came for and that's what I got. Now I know exactly what I want to do about it...weather or not I chicken out, is another story..lol

[LoveLace]

I can easily go to his show alone on Friday; so should I just go or tell him to expect me?...that's the next question of the hour LOL